So I just need to level with someone. I need help

[VivienneJ]

BUDDYBUDDY25, you say:

but you have to realize that I am seeing this through rose colored glassed

So true, you need to remove your rose-coloured glasses and see what is really happening.

You’ve posted your story before under a different user name or different user names, I believe.

You have been given lots of advice in this thread and others on the same general topic. In this thread, I suggest you go back to what MaryMary1975 said in post #53.

But I do want to keep my son’s life stable. I’m very very concerned about upsetting his life

You constantly express concern about keeping your son’s life stable, while ignoring that living in a dysfunctional home is already an unstable situation. As a teacher who has worked extensively with children of your son’s age, the statements below are not the norm for an 8 year old:

We have a son…who asked me the other day when I was suing ___ __. I thought WTF are we doing…he thinks we are going to SUE EVERYONE.

My son said to me this morning…“Mom I wish there was a school for Daddy to go to so he wouldn’t be so mad all the time…”…

Apart from what has been revealed in the two statements you shared above, you have been told in many different ways that your son is already being harmed:

Believe me, it does affect the children even if you try to counter it. The child sees more than you think and it helps to form the child’s worldview, and approach to relationships.

Your son is at risk.
You don’t seem to get that.
I speak from experience. You can stay. And count on spending a huge chunk of your salary on therapy for the boy when he’s a teen, angry, confused, poor self image, not respecting you (he has learned that you do not deserve respect already)…
Pay now, or pay later. But your son will pay the ultimate price.
I know from experience.

We are called to be an example to our children.
I do not recall the Church expecting one to live in any form of abuse. Yes abuse. You are being abused. You may not have any visible scars, but they are there, and bleeding profusely from where I sit. trust me, there are not enough Band-Aids in the world.
The fights that the two of you have are written on that child’s heart. It changes who he is. It marks him and is something that can never be erased. Lessened, put in perspective once he is an adult, but never erased… it would put the little boy in a calmer environment.
That’s the goal. Peace for that child.

I’m sorry…but the one thing that is infuriating is this:

You keep saying you don’t want to upset your son’s life.
You’ve got to be kidding.
If you think for one second that you son is not seeing all this, digesting it, sensing that you are not really a couple like his friends’ parents, that you probably roll your eyes at the man you married all the time, you are deluding yourself and YOU ARE HARMING HIM.

But I now see that this really isn’t just about me.

Indeed it isn’t just about you. This has been going on now for three or four years, slowly getting worse and worse. I suggest you check back on your various usernames and see the advice given, note the behaviour patterns you describe and make a decision to do something to remedy the situation rather than constantly seeking advice which you do not seem to take. Even if you think you do not deserve better, your son surely does.

 

[MJJean]

I have considered calling his parents… Is this ever a good idea? I am not particularly close with them. ** And I must admit their relationship is quite similar to my own marriage. **

Did you read what you wrote there and really think about it? You’re literally setting your son up to become an adult and continue the cycle. Your child is being mentally and emotionally abused and you stand idly by.

 

[Cricket2]

BuddyBuddy:

It seems to me that you are stuck in a dream of what you want marriage to be. Unfortunately the reality you live in is harmful to you and your son. Put your son and his welfare first, before he learns to be like his father.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

Well I understand this logic, but making it happen is more difficult than it sounds.

Separating from my husband still means that he is with my husband half the time and he still attends the same school… And our son will be in the same environment.

Unless I pick up and move to another city, the dynamics are going to be virtually the same … Even if we separate.

Our attorney agrees that this landlord and her attorney are off their rockers. And she too understood why I would want our son to change schools. (I have applied, but he’s still on wait list) …

So, as simple as it seems… It is all pretty frustrating … Because I can’t just flip a switch and get our son out of this completely.

And what’s worse is … I have to work late every night. My son will be raised by a nanny … I don’t have family to count on.

 

[pensmama87]

Well I understand this logic, but making it happen is more difficult than it sounds.

Separating from my husband still means that he is with my husband half the time and he still attends the same school… And our son will be in the same environment.

Not necessarily.

Unless I pick up and move to another city, the dynamics are going to be virtually the same … Even if we separate.

I highly doubt it.

Our attorney agrees that this landlord and her attorney are off their rockers. And she too understood why I would want our son to change schools. (I have applied, but he’s still on wait list) …

Could you not move to another district?

So, as simple as it seems… It is all pretty frustrating … Because I can’t just flip a switch and get our son out of this completely.

And what’s worse is … I have to work late every night. My son will be raised by a nanny … I don’t have family to count on.

You are excuse-making again.

You’re right that it’s a difficult situation that cannot be fixed immediately. But leaving everything as is spells certain disaster, you know that. You’re setting up potential hurdles as certainties to avoid taking steps to fix this. I know it’s hard, but you can’t admit defeat right out the gate.

 

[Xantippe]

pensmama87 said:

“Could you not move to another district?”

Exactly.

BUDDYBUDDY25,

I think you’re suffering from learned helplessness.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

You are absolutely right and I thank you for taking the time to read my story and respond. I almost feel crazy telling the story. But I grew up in massive dysfunction, so I think it allows me to believe that this isn’t that bad.

I’m very scared of change. Petrified that our little safety net (marriage ) will fall apart.

I’m thinking critically here and I am a wreck. I don’t feel I can trust my own judgement and I am feeling incredibly low … Even more so when I really lay all of this out there.

I need to start with baby steps. But I feel like such a failure. Like I’ve done so much “bad stuff” that I’m beyond forgiveness by God.

My Dad is probably looking down on me and realizing that I’m a complete F up. I’m so saddled with that I almost don’t have the energy or strength to start fresh.

It’s just so overwhelming. It’s like the saying road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I have got to pray for strength and to get out of this.
What’s so hard is when my husband is so nice. It’s hard for me to think that he is part of the problem…my judgement is so skewed.

But you are right… Moving all these times … Fighting landlords … It’s all just a wreck.

I had a great friend (I thought) in my last city/ workplace who I overheard talking about me and how stupid I was and weak. I told her I heard her and she just gave me the cold shoulder and then eventually told me that “I” was to blame for her saying that … Because I caused my own problems and that she had nothing to apologize for. She said she’d never speak to me again. She thought I was pathetic for staying I my marriage.

Do you think she was right to do that to me? Is that how everyone sees me ?

Pathetic? Tears come to my eyes as I type this because I am def getting real with the situation. And it’s just not good.

 

[Xantippe]

BUDDYBUDDY25 said:

“Petrified that our little safety net (marriage ) will fall apart.”

A separation may be the only way you have of saving your marriage. You both need to learn to be adults, to stop reacting rather than acting, and you both need to regain your self-respect.

Best wishes!

 

[pianistclare]

That’s called tough love.
It’s hurtful, but when people meet up with someone that will do NOTHING to help themselves, they do feel as it you have given them permission.

So now you understand how we all feel.

Dear one:
listen to me. please.
All who have responded to your posts do so from a place of wanting to help you, wishing they could wrap their arms around you, wishing you would trust God, ***and behave as He would have you do. ***
But it’s like getting a bucket of water thrown at us. You ask questions (that you already know the answers to) and then you say but…but…but…but…but…but…

You friend WAS and IS your friend. She is depleted. She listened to your endless litany of woes and watched you do nothing to help yourself. All good and fine, but now there is a little boy. Who did not ask for any of this drama.
THIS is what she is reacting to.

If you have made the decision to put up with everything your husband does out of frustration and laziness ( and you know this is why he does it) and you have decided that it’s OK with you because not dealing with it is easier, you need to step back are re-read you posts on all of the threads as if someone else had written them.

Think about that woman’s son.
Then get back to us about what you think of her.
I’ll wager you will feel as your friend does.
You will be astounded and very sad for the poster.

When I was at my lowest with my former abusive, chronically unemployed, drinking husband, a counselor said to me:
"You are the only-est person that can change this. "
She was school counselor…obviously…“onliest”

But you get what I mean.
Is there a priest that you can see?
Don’t say there’s not…THERE IS.
Find him. Tell him everything.
Ask him to recommend a place that will take you in.
There are lots of educated successful businesswomen in shelters.
I know.
And the support there is far more real than what we can give, excepting for our prayers.
Please do as people recommend.
Nobody is saying you will lose your husband. But you must make him and yourself accountable to that child.

 

[Pax2u]

Your inner issues are really something that need to be addressed professionally. I think you are beyond getting anything out of this forum, as you just agree with what everyone says and then continue the drama. Please see a therapist and a priest.

Of course, that would involve DOING something…I hope so. I keep you in my prayers.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

I understand…I really do…at least to the extent that I am able.

I think the idea of going to see a priest is a good one…I was just wishing that I could go to my Mom or confide in someone in my family, but I can’t. My Mom is not stable… when I told her about my abuse as a child - she laughed at me and then disowned me for awhile.

I tried talking to her about the lawsuit stuff the other night and as soon as I started to get into the meat of it…she said she had another phone call and she would prefer not to talk to me about it.

I have no one to really hear me out and help me…who I trust. I think that’s why I have clung to my husband…he’s been all I have… same for my son.

I am having moments/flashes where I’m able to mentally leap outside of the situation and see for myself…just how screwed up I really am. It’s not just my husband. I’m scared that I am not solid enough to take care of myself…either.

As for the separation – I absolutely can not leave the house we live in. I signed a long lease and I put a lot of money down for a security deposit because the landlord was already leery of us because of the previous issues. I know he would sue us with an eviction…

And my husband was SO angry that our latest house had such a high energy bill… that he told me today that he called the NEW landlord to tell him that he needs to reevaluate the electric…because our bill was too high. When I asked my husband to avoid complaining, he said “I guess I can’t even complain about anything to a landlord ever again?!?”

 

[pensmama87]

As for the separation – I absolutely can not leave the house we live in. I signed a long lease and I put a lot of money down for a security deposit because the landlord was already leery of us because of the previous issues. I know he would sue us with an eviction…

Who says your husband won’t still be living there? Meet with an attorney. Figure out a separation agreement and make sure you figure out the lease conditions.

A solid counselor, a good priest, and a knowledgeable attorney will provide a very good start to a support network. Once you have those basics taken care of, you can work on making friends, getting connected, helping to see life outside the little bubble you’ve got going on now. You can do this, but it doesn’t happen all at once.

Have you involved any professional in this long-term?

 

[Xantippe]

BUDDYBUDDY25 said:

“I signed a long lease and I put a lot of money down for a security deposit because the landlord was already leery of us because of the previous issues. I know he would sue us with an eviction…”

You can find the landlord a new tenant and get out of the lease.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Having never read any of the OP’s previous threads and not being privy to the other issues that she has with her husband, I have some (name removed by moderator)ut on the situation that is outlined in the first post only. Obviously, if there are issues of a neglectful, abusive, or just detrimentally irresponsible husband, those things require other action.

I have been a landlord. I have been in litigation with residents. Once I handed a person’s file over to the attorney, I did not contact them again. Any and all communication went through the lawyer, and if the resident called my office, I directed them to the attorney. There were so many reasons for this, but one of them was that when I took them to court, I had to be VERY careful. Any correspondence could have been twisted by my resident, false accusations could have been thrown at me, informal agreements could be made that would bite one or both of us in the butt later, and of course, contacting a resident that I am in litigation with could be construed as harassment. Once you have initiated legal proceedings, the idea is that it is out of your hands and in the hands of the judge. Once you’ve taken them to court, there is no point in talking to them, because you’ve already “gone nuclear”. Now, if things were sorted out by the courts and a mutual agreement was reached, communications resumed as normal as soon as the courts were out of it. All of this holds true in the case of a resident being the one to initiate proceedings as well.

Now, all of that said, I have no idea what the landlord was thinking approaching your minor child! There is no logical reason for that whatsoever, and you were absolutely right to inform your attorney and the principal. The attorney needs to know in case anything were to come up in court as a result of the attempted conversation with your child. The principal needs to know because it is completely inappropriate and could be dangerous for adults to come into schools and start approaching kids for inside information on their families.

I’m going against the grain on this one and saying that in this one specific instance, you can’t really be too careful.

 

[pianistclare]

I understand…I really do…at least to the extent that I am able.

********???

**I think the idea of going to see a priest is a good one…**I was just wishing that I could go to my Mom or confide in someone in my family, but I can’t. My Mom is not stable… when I told her about my abuse as a child - she laughed at me and then disowned me for awhile.
Mom is a side issue…not relevant right now

I tried talking to her about the lawsuit stuff the other night and as soon as I started to get into the meat of it…she said she had another phone call and she would prefer not to talk to me about it.

***Just like your former friend…she has heard it all so many times. ***

I have no one to really hear me out and help me…who I trust. ** I think that’s why I have clung to my husband…he’s been all I have… same for my son. **

***Please don’t make this an issue that you think your CHILD can help you with…this is so wrong. ***
I am having moments/flashes where I’m able to mentally leap outside of the situation and see for myself…just how screwed up I really am. It’s not just my husband. I’m scared that I am not solid enough to take care of myself…either.

---

That’s what shelters do…they provide support***.

As for the separation – I absolutely can not leave the house we live in.

***WHY? ***

I signed a long lease and I put a lot of money down for a security deposit because the landlord was already leery of us because of the previous issues.
I know he would sue us with an eviction…
*** They can’t take what you don’t have. You say your are tapped out financially. ***

And my husband was SO angry that our latest house had such a high energy bill…
*** Again, so what? What does that have to do with anything> All of us think the energy bills are too high. *** that he told me today that he called the NEW landlord to tell him that he needs to reevaluate the electric…because our bill was too high. When I asked my husband to avoid complaining, he said “I guess I can’t even complain about anything to a landlord ever again?!?”

***No, but you do have to hold your tongue, get that chip off your shoulder and look for a legitimate way to earn a living besides scheming to get rich off of frivolous lawsuits. yes, frivolous. ***

So what is it now?

Do as Pax says…get a priest and a therapist. Ask for a medical leave.
Whatever you do, stop doing it at the expense of your child.
Peace.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

I know…and my attorney confirmed that was NOT normal behavior - especially since we already had an attorney and the landlord knew she was not supposed to speak with us.

I know that we made our mistakes by pushing her buttons – but we honestly did nothing wrong. We did NOT cause her sewage issues and for her to blame us…is ridiculous because the CITY shut down her house for lack of permits.

It’s a messy deal – and I think my husband went over the top by calling the police, but that doesn’t mean the rest our actions were anything but preventative.

The landlord is crazy and even our attorney has told me this much – she says that she is trying to go after me strictly because I’m a public figure and my attorney also asked me if I was considering changing schools.

 

[pianistclare]

I know…and my attorney confirmed that was NOT normal behavior - especially since we already had an attorney and the landlord knew she was not supposed to speak with us.

I know that we made our mistakes by pushing her buttons – but we honestly did nothing wrong. We did NOT cause her sewage issues and for her to blame us…is ridiculous because the CITY shut down her house for lack of permits.

It’s a messy deal – and I think my husband went over the top by calling the police, but that doesn’t mean the rest our actions were anything but preventative.

The landlord is crazy and even our attorney has told me this much – she says that she is trying to go after me strictly because I’m a public figure and my attorney also asked me if I was considering changing schools.

So if the city had shut the house down, how did you end up in it?
Sometimes, we think we cannot due with less. Every single job I have had has paid less each time. Every house I have had has gotten smaller, less sq. footage. You know what? We adjust.
It doesn’t matter if ANYONE agrees with you. They do not live your life. We could all say "oh jeez, you are right, the world is unfair, people are beastly, you are SO RIGHT.

Fell better? Didn’t help your situation did it?

You seem to believe that the attorney is going to solve all your problems. How can they?
Literally, how can they?

I must reiterate: you can get advice and sympathy (which is what you truly desire) for free from your Pastor. Do you attend a Catholic Church?
Surely, your friends at church have offered advice?

???

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

No, I don’t believe the attorney is going to do anything but help us reach a legal agreement of some sort to end this madness.

As for “how did we end up in it” …they shut it down – due to the problems we experienced while IN the house. They had just renovated the house (without permits) and leased it to us …and then it started flooding …leaking sewage from the ceiling etc. I reported it to the city, because the landlord wasn’t fixing it. When they came out and inspected – they shut it down and the landlord had to relocate us. This was not our fault…
This was just a poorly renovated home. The landlord is currently getting fined because she STILL hasn’t obtained the proper permits for the renovations. City says they could fine her 2500 a day.

The new house that we are in…is great. Although my husband obviously already ahs trouble with the electric bills.

 

[pianistclare]

No, I don’t believe the attorney is going to do anything but help us reach a legal agreement of some sort to end this madness.

As for “how did we end up in it” …they shut it down – due to the problems we experienced while IN the house. They had just renovated the house (without permits) and leased it to us …and then it started flooding …leaking sewage from the ceiling etc. I reported it to the city, because the landlord wasn’t fixing it. When they came out and inspected – they shut it down and the landlord had to relocate us. This was not our fault…
This was just a poorly renovated home. The landlord is currently getting fined because she STILL hasn’t obtained the proper permits for the renovations. City says they could fine her 2500 a day.

The new house that we are in…is great. Although my husband obviously already ahs trouble with the electric bills.

You seem very content.
I wish you well.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

Well, I wouldn’t say that I’m happy or content…this is obviously not the case.

But, I just wanted to point out that I thought that the landlord is unstable. I didn’t include this but we have moving/packers who reported to us (and offered to be witnesses) that the landlord snuck inside our house as soon as she saw us leave and rummaged through our belongings. So, combine that with her showing up drunk at the house - locking us out – (why I hired attorney in the first place) and approaching our son at school…the woman …is unstable. HOWEVER – I did not think that my husband needed to poke the bear and call the police…after I had already addressed the issue with the principal.

I didn’t need the attorney to agree with me on that…I am just pointing out that this is something that I know and believe to be true.

As for all my other obvious problems - you are right – I don’t deny them – and I will take the advice given here…and pray, as well. I am very, very grateful for it.