So I just need to level with someone. I need help

[runningdude]

It sounds as though you should take steps to make yourself financially independent. He has not displayed any ability to manage money. Without a job, his “spotless” credit is worthless.

I would recommend setting up a separate account that he has no access to, and redirect your wages there, save perhaps a small allowance for your husband. Meet with a financial planner to develop a plan to manage your debts.

If he reacts poorly, then so be it. If he reacts violently or abusively, leave.

thanks so much.

Yes we went to a priest a few months ago and the priest told us we needed to have s*x more often and that would help everything…he said it all starts with physical intimacy.

Let me tell you that made me very angry…and hurt.

Unfortunately, not every priest has the resources to offer good advice.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

We just got through valentines weekend. I tried to have these conversations with him and he seemed aloof. I have apt w therapist and attorney this week.

He took me to dinner last night, but did not buy me anything else (except flowers). What I did find interesting is that he hasn’t tried to be intimate w me in over a month.

I did not initiate anything and he didn’t either. Last week I did however have coffee w2 successful CEOs and pitched my husbands skills/business. He has asked me to round up business for him. Each time, he said thank but that was it. He sees no concern w asking me to contact these men and network them myself … ButFOR him.

So what do I get out of this?

 

[Irishmom2]

Nothing, so why do you keep banging your head against he wall?

He needs to get his business going and you need to take care of the business of getting on with your life. Stop doing what he wants and do what needs to be done to take care of your son.

 

[Xantippe]

BUDDYBUDDY25 said:

“He took me to dinner last night, but did not buy me anything else (except flowers). What I did find interesting is that he hasn’t tried to be intimate w me in over a month.”

I wouldn’t read too much into that. You probably radiate so much anger (even when you don’t express it) that the guy is probably terrified of you. Terror =/ sexy (not sure how to do the notation).

“I did not initiate anything and he didn’t either. Last week I did however have coffee w2 successful CEOs and pitched my husbands skills/business. He has asked me to round up business for him. Each time, he said thank but that was it. He sees no concern w asking me to contact these men and network them myself … ButFOR him.”

Why do you keep rounding up business for him? Let him do his cold calls and his marketing. You do your stuff. Don’t let his screw ups tarnish your reputation.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

True… But this has been an on going issue. Years… We went through therapy about it etc.

At the end of the day he constantly said that I seemed too stressed. Or he knew I had a lot of work etc. You are right… Right now… I want no part of that. But it’s just more of the same.

I feel bad because a wife isn’t supposed to be this cold and I do miss intimacy… Just not like this.

 

[pianistclare]

There’s more to life than sex.
There’s more to parenting than providing a house and a private school.
There’s more to succeeding in business than making a six figure salary.
There’s more to being married than getting presents on Valentine’s Day.
There’s more to being a supportive wife than allowing your husband to check out.

What did you hear in the priest’s homily yesterday about marriage?
I want to hear that.
What did your priest say?

?

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

Our priest didn’t talk about marriage yesterday. It was a man for the 2nd graders preparing for first Communion… Which our son is doing. The homily was about Communion.

 

[BpJerry]

I’ve read the replies to your posting.

It seems these conditions have persisted over a very long time.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage and it is for that reason that I also believe in divorce. If the grace of the sacrament is spurned and the marriage no longer contributes to the spiritual well-being of the partners and inhibits or destroys their faith then it should be dissolved.

I’m sorry. The path of divorce is sometimes a very difficult one. I recommend a heart-felt and realistic discussion with your spouse then declare your intentions.

I will pray for you.

 

[pianistclare]

Our priest didn’t talk about marriage yesterday. It was a man for the 2nd graders preparing for first Communion… Which our son is doing. The homily was about Communion.

A man gave the homily?
I’m confused.
And curious…how did the homilist tie Communion into yesterday’s reading?
What analogies, comparisons were made?

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

Sorry that was autocorrect. Meant “mass”.

And he didn’t tie it into the homily at all. He only taught the kids and adults about the meaning of the Eucharist. He did tell story about though shall not kill can also mean don’t hurt your brother or sister (talking to the kids). And how the series highway to Heaven came to fruition (for adults) because a Hollywood producer got the message while sitting in angry LAtraffic other than that… It was about the mix of water and wine…and the transformation.

 

[Xantippe]

BUDDYBUDDY25 said:

“He did tell story about though shall not kill can also mean don’t hurt your brother or sister (talking to the kids).”

That was a tie-in to yesterday’s gospel, which was about making sure that our righteousness exceeds that of the Pharisees.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

Yes it was well done… And delivered to mean something to the kiddos.

Priest was great. But I was saying there wasn’t a tie in to marriage …

 

[Cromwell4]

The lawyer - bless her- just answered all your questions & doubts for free.

You no longer have to keep making excuses for this sad man.

Just take her advice & run with it. You will have to carry the child…and your husband… for quite a while You just have to start wearing the trousers ( discreetly of course), take the major decisions and he will come along just fine. He just cant handle responsibility.

 

[pianistclare]

Sorry that was autocorrect. Meant “mass”.

And he didn’t tie it into the homily at all. He only taught the kids and adults about the meaning of the Eucharist. He did tell story about though shall not kill can also mean don’t hurt your brother or sister (talking to the kids). And how the series highway to Heaven came to fruition (for adults) because a Hollywood producer got the message while sitting in angry LAtraffic other than that… It was about the mix of water and wine…and the transformation.

The reason I asked was because for many, the homily was about divorce and adultery.
I wondered if your priest had taken that line…many here on the forums were asking if parish priests preached on divorce this weekend. Most said yes. At our Spanish Mass it was about the sanctity of marriage and trying to do the best we can in less than perfect situations.

 

[Cricket2]

BuddyBuddy:

Is it possible you like the attention you get when crying about your marriage? If your husband is as obnoxious as you suggest you need to get off the perverbial pot and get out. Otherwise why keep posting about it?

 

[MJJean]

The reason I asked was because for many, the homily was about divorce and adultery.
I wondered if your priest had taken that line…many here on the forums were asking if parish priests preached on divorce this weekend. Most said yes. At our Spanish Mass it was about the sanctity of marriage and trying to do the best we can in less than perfect situations.

This is not a less than perfect situation. This is outright ridiculous. Have you read the OP’s other threads under a different name? I think someone linked them earlier in this thread.

This is a man who refuses to be a man. He won’t get a job, he won’t be responsible with money to the point of literal bankruptcy with a 6 figure income, he is irresponsible about important things like bank paperwork and their child’s required school paperwork, he throws temper tantrums regularly in the form of “cold shoulder” and outright throwing a fit, he is isolating the OP by acting so obnoxious and getting lawyers involved in everything from landlord tenant disputes (one against her will) to trying to convince OP to sue her own mother, to alienating the school staff , and he is basically ruining her reputation in business. He is also manipulative and sucks up only when he knows she’s about to leave and cut the purse strings and he’s apparently a poor example of a father (beyond being an extremely poor example of a man and husband) because the child wants to know why he is so angry all the time.

Frankly, I’d be surprised if this is a valid marriage. From the description of this “man” I am pretty convinced he isn’t capable of marital consent due to being completely psychologically incapable of understanding and meeting the duties and obligations of marriage.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

I don’t want this to sound like I am defending him or changing my feelings about the situation – I’m not. I have therapy tomorrow and I am really trying to stay strong.

However, the one thing I truly want is as much of an objective opinion, as possible.

It’s true that my DH has not gotten a job… he has been pressing to continue working his own business. He is getting work… often, I’m surprised how much work he is getting. It seems sporadic, but it is happening. I don’t want to discount that, because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Now at the end of the month – when all the taxes and bills are paid – he’s averaging about 2,000.00…since he started this back in October/November. I obviously pay all the healthcare etc.

As for the bankruptcy - yes. That’s true. But, I think I deserve the blame for that, as well. I am a strong woman professionally…so I should not be so spineless that I allow these bad decisions to happen.

I think he is stressed with this business – he is trying to juggle that in the afternoon…with our son…and he’s not doing very well. Our son is in the middle of it. He seems to beg for my attention and on the weekends – I have been giving him as much as I can possibly give. We went for walks this weekend…played volleyball…we spent a lot of quality time together. My husband left us alone…for the most part. My son makes a point to tell him that he’s not invited… which is just not nice and it certainly makes me feel awful… I think it’s just a kid who wants his Mom, but I don’t know.

Here’s a good example of what makes me question everything… I grew up with a very, very dysfunctional family…so my scale is obviously off.

My husband was really upset with our son’s attitude of the weekend. He wasn’t listening etc. Husband would come and tell me he’s angry that our son didn’t help him with xyz…I said …well, what happened? He said …what do you mean? I said…did you MAKE him do it? He said “no…it was too late…I didn’t have time xyz.”. I replied with…“well, if you want him to do something – MAKE Him do it.”

Later that day…our son wanted his Dad to put together his new remote control car…that he was just given as a gift. Husband was trying to get ready (as was I) for our dinner reservations…and sitter’s arrival. I heard DH say …“I can’t right now…I’m trying to iron, you are going to have to ask the sitter.” So, our son is smart - he saw the sitter sitting outside in her car (she had just pulled up). So, husband comes running up to me…“Do you know what son is doing? He’s running outside right now to get the sitter who is IN HER CAR…to put his car together.”… I said …“if you don’t want him to …GO STOP HIM!” So he ran outside ticked off…and screamed at son to get in the house and do a sit out …and he said our son could not have the car at all that day …or night…because he wasn’t patient.

Maybe I’m really broken from my own family …and how punishment went for me… but how does scenario sound to you… as objective readers/parents?

 

[Xantippe]

BUDDYBUDDY25 said:

“It’s true that my DH has not gotten a job… he has been pressing to continue working his own business. He is getting work… often, I’m surprised how much work he is getting. It seems sporadic, but it is happening. I don’t want to discount that, because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Now at the end of the month – when all the taxes and bills are paid – he’s averaging about 2,000.00…since he started this back in October/November. I obviously pay all the healthcare etc.”

$2,000 a month is very presentable as a second income, but on an hourly basis, he could probably do just as well working at Costco.

I’m not saying he should work at Costco instead, but your family goes through a lot of stress for that $2,000 a month.

“I think he is stressed with this business – he is trying to juggle that in the afternoon…with our son…and he’s not doing very well.”

Didn’t you say he has childcare? Or is that just part of the time.

“Our son is in the middle of it. He seems to beg for my attention and on the weekends – I have been giving him as much as I can possibly give. We went for walks this weekend…played volleyball…we spent a lot of quality time together.”

It’s quite normal for the breadwinner parent’s attention to be more attractive to a child, as that is the parent whose time is scarcer.

That is not a mark against your husband–that’s just what happens when one parent is much more available than the other.

“Later that day…our son wanted his Dad to put together his new remote control car…that he was just given as a gift. Husband was trying to get ready (as was I) for our dinner reservations…and sitter’s arrival. I heard DH say …“I can’t right now…I’m trying to iron, you are going to have to ask the sitter.” So, our son is smart - he saw the sitter sitting outside in her car (she had just pulled up). So, husband comes running up to me…“Do you know what son is doing? He’s running outside right now to get the sitter who is IN HER CAR…to put his car together.”… I said …“if you don’t want him to …GO STOP HIM!” So he ran outside ticked off…and screamed at son to get in the house and do a sit out …and he said our son could not have the car at all that day …or night…because he wasn’t patient.”

On the one hand, your son did technically follow directions by going to the sitter. On the other hand, I’m sure he knew that he was breaking house rules by leaving the house without permission. But on yet a third hand, perhaps he thought he had been given permission. That’s a tough one.

I think that the penalty does make a certain amount of sense.

Have you tried family counseling to work on effective discipline with your husband? Whether you stay together or get divorced, that will be very important.

 

[BUDDYBUDDY25]

Yeah…I just feel so unsure sometimes because I feel like I am too lenient and maybe I’m missing some major warning signs?

After I read posts here…I feel that I am not thinking like the norm… and that concerns me.

Clearly, having our son ask about lawsuits …is concerning and should NOT be happening.,…even I know this. But, we are such a tight group…all 3 of us…always together (when I’m not working) …that he hears things that he should not.

My husband talks about how the landlord is so fat etc…etc. Not good for a child to hear! I know he recognizes that I’m right about that…and maybe he’s curbed that…I don’t know.

I think back to ALL things I have been through with DH and that’s why I often think…things have improved! Gosh…I remember when he threatened to go work at Walgreens and quit his “job”…because I asked him to try to change shifts so we could be around together… Or when he suggested I have plastic surgery…to improve my image/career.

We really have been through it all. I am going to talk to the therapist tomorrow and I wonder how to even begin? Right now…DH is working…but getting us into lawsuits… although, he’s trying to be a good dad by coaching soccer teams etc. Again - I think that my husband has some good qualities too…but as someone once said here… So did mass murderers… (not comparing him to a murderer, of course!)

 

[pianistclare]

If you’re going to the therapist…print out everything you have posted on the many threads…and every response…cut and paste. Stay up late if you have to.
And show it to him or her.

But please, don’t punish your child again for doing exactly as he was told.
He was told neither of you had time for him, but the sitter would.
So he sought out the only person that had time for him.
And he got punished.
:tsktsk:

Not good, mom. Not good.