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jmcrae
Guest
Stand your ground. Don’t reply to him.
I don’t even know what that means. It doesn’t sound healthy, for sure!
You remain in my prayers. Give yourself a chance to heal.
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ElizaCatherine
Guest
Thank you. I do know that I am holding all the cards, and I think he does too. That’s probably why he’s pressing me. I know going back isn’t an option. I know that if I did, I would be reminded of how I did this to him and how I must not really love him that much. I don’t intend to go back, it’s just my brain working on me. I know he is a master manipulator. He has two favorite tricks, temper tantrums and humor. All trying to distract me from whatever has just happened. I don’t answer emails because I’m afraid that he’s trying to get me to say something that he can use against me.
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Serap
Guest
Very smart that you are thinking ahead, re: the emails. You are absolutely right; he could use any communication against you. I’m sure he’s already seen a lawyer and he has gotten advice on how to “get” you. Be careful!
You are doing the right thing.
My father is not marriage material and he will never ever be a good husband and he’s now 65 years old. Some people just never change EVER. My father can be very manipulative…tears…the whole bit and then when he feels comfortable, the abuse begins once more.
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qui_est_ce
Guest
I can empathize with your upheaval, as I went through the same process 13 years ago. I missed him and wanted to go back to the safety and security. I was a SAHM with two children 6 and 9. They were crying for their daddy with me. At the time I thought, had I known it would be this hard, I would never have left. Every time I hear someone say “It would have been easier to divorce him than to work it out.” I want to scream at them, “YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!” I always wanted to have at least four kids, but only had two. I think, in an odd way, that was a blessing.
Any worry that I might not have worked hard enough on the marriage is now resolved. He remarried shortly after the divorce. Then divorced #2, and is now married to his #3. My ex is her #4!!
In the end, it’s about God’s will, not my will. Put your trust in God, he knows what’s best for you.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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joandarc2008
Guest
A year ago my husband and I seperated. People on these forums warned me to be careful in taking him back even though he was agreeing to all the right things. I did not listen. I took him back. Things were good for a time. By the time I realized how bad they had gotten my health had taken a turn for the worse and to be honest I could not have left if he had not left himself. I stood up for myself once he did. One of my real world friends encouraged me to check out a site on battered women’s syndrome. I did. It had a quiz on there about how much danger are you in. It had 30 yes or no questions and the more yes’s you had the more danger you were in. I had 24 yes’s. The only no’s were the one’s that had to do with being pregnant or having children in the home. I had no children in the home and had never been pregnant. Oh and he never violated the restraining order.
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Trinity117
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Once again I will state that I was once in an abusive marriage. I had a husband who was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive to me. He isolated me, cut me away any life line available (my family and friends), he made me feel it was MY fault that he abused me. I was too ugly to have any other man give me the time of day. He apologized after every beating, swearing it would NEVER happen again. Well, it did happen, over and over until a little better than a year passed and I left. THEN the pressure really started, the phone calls, the visits, harassing my family and friends, random pastors (he NEVER set foot in a church when I was with him) calling me to tell me how he NEEDED me because he was “in therapy”, he broke into my mom’s house to steal my belongings, and one day he stalked me, tried to convince me to come home and when that didn’t work, he threatened to kill me. Sitting on the sofa in my mom’s living room. I was 20 years old at the time.
I apologize for the long rant, but I know there are many things in that little monologue that you are familiar with. If it walks like abuse and talks like abuse . . . RUN. As fast and as far as you can. Then you can figure out what path to take. As others before me have stated, protect yourself - legally and physically. Be watchful and know that it can improve. . . and I am sorry that you are going through this. God Bless you and please know you are in my prayers.
Peace.
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Serap
Guest
I’m sorry you went through that.
My father is also like your ex. The only reason my father doesn’t hit his current wife is b/c he’s afraid of being arrested. He does everything else though…he completely belittles her like she’s nothing.
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crazzeto
Guest
I’m a little late to the game here, but I only have a couple comments.
First you shouldn’t feel the way you describe with your spouse, since you do it is obvious to me that something is terribly wrong in your relationship, whatever the specific issue maybe. As such, while I’m not a big fan of divorous et. al. I’d say you probably made the right move getting your self out of that situation. This is particularly true since at least based on what I read (and this is all I have to go on), it sounds as if you were locked in a controlling, abusive relationship, if that truely is the case then your “marriage” would be invalid anyhow more than likely.
I would suggest keeping in touch with your priest as well as your shrink. Don’t be afraid to ask your preist for an appointment so you can have, perhaps, some of the same conversations as you’ve had with your shrink so you can have a different set of eyes on your problem. Don’t stop going to the sacraments, you’re not cut off from them!!! Some people tend to believe this is the case when they split up their marriage, but it is only actually true when you actually start dating outside of your defined marriage (and engaging in extra-marital sex). So do go to mass, do receive the Eucharist, I would recommend daily if you can do it, and do go to confession and do talk with your priest.
Don’t feel like your a bad person, or worry about being judged. Your relationship has gone very bad for some reason. You need to be in contact with your psychiatrist and preist to work out the details… If the deceission is that indeed you are in an abusive situations, you need to take steps to protect your self, perhaps even discuss with your preist the possibility of taking steps to formally disolve the marriage (again, if it is clear to all involved that everything is exactly as it reads in your opening thread).
God bless, you’re in my prayers.
First you shouldn’t feel the way you describe with your spouse, since you do it is obvious to me that something is terribly wrong in your relationship, whatever the specific issue maybe. As such, while I’m not a big fan of divorous et. al. I’d say you probably made the right move getting your self out of that situation. This is particularly true since at least based on what I read (and this is all I have to go on), it sounds as if you were locked in a controlling, abusive relationship, if that truely is the case then your “marriage” would be invalid anyhow more than likely.
I would suggest keeping in touch with your priest as well as your shrink. Don’t be afraid to ask your preist for an appointment so you can have, perhaps, some of the same conversations as you’ve had with your shrink so you can have a different set of eyes on your problem. Don’t stop going to the sacraments, you’re not cut off from them!!! Some people tend to believe this is the case when they split up their marriage, but it is only actually true when you actually start dating outside of your defined marriage (and engaging in extra-marital sex). So do go to mass, do receive the Eucharist, I would recommend daily if you can do it, and do go to confession and do talk with your priest.
Don’t feel like your a bad person, or worry about being judged. Your relationship has gone very bad for some reason. You need to be in contact with your psychiatrist and preist to work out the details… If the deceission is that indeed you are in an abusive situations, you need to take steps to protect your self, perhaps even discuss with your preist the possibility of taking steps to formally disolve the marriage (again, if it is clear to all involved that everything is exactly as it reads in your opening thread).
God bless, you’re in my prayers.
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Trinity117
Guest
Thank you, Serap. I am sorry you had a similar experience with your father. Why is it so hard for men to understand what they do to women and children when they act like this?
Or are they so warped that they can’t get it? It just makes me sad. 
Pax
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EasterJoy
Guest
Sometimes women do it, too.Thank you, Serap. I am sorry you had a similar experience with your father. Why is it so hard for men to understand what they do to women and children when they act like this?
Pax
Some even physically beat on their husbands with impunity. Paradoxically, I suppose, it can be the most traditional men who are the victims of physical violence from their wives, the guys who are thought of as having come from a “macho” culture. They are brought up to not ever consider hitting a woman. They can be ashamed to report it to someone else when a woman hits them, because they fear it shows they are not respected by their own wives. If the precipitating factor is a financial situation, or if that is the excuse the abuser uses, they may even blame themselves for the abuse they’re getting, whether it is verbal or physical. Because they aren’t providing as they feel they should, they sometimes accept the abuse as deserved.
Some abusers were warped by the experience of being abused in their own homes by their own parent or parents as children. Sometimes, they are in a bad situation themselves and do not get themselves help for it, but project their bad situation onto their spouses and children, sometimes even blaming their families for their interior misery.
Sad hardly starts to describe it.
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Serap
Guest
narcissism. that’s what it is…self-entitlement. sickness above all if you ask me.Thank you, Serap. I am sorry you had a similar experience with your father. Why is it so hard for men to understand what they do to women and children when they act like this?
Pax
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jmcrae
Guest
Right - and total lack of empathy. They literally can’t even imagine that women and children can feel the same kind of physical and emotional pain that they feel.
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Serap
Guest
My father only cares that HIS point gets across b/c he’s too busy thinking about HIS needs above anyone else. He couldn’t care less about anyone else and he’s only nice to people b/c he wants them to love him…it’s not b/c he loves them and wants to show them how much he loves them.
My father also helps strangers at his yatch club, church, etc. b/c he wants people to think he’s great. Then at home, he’s belittling his wife and if I spent enough time around him, he’d be belittling me too. I only see him 3 or 4 times a year.
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EasterJoy
Guest
I think you’re wise. I’m sorry for your loss.
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Serap
Guest
Thanks. It is a huge loss…one that I think I’m finally coming to terms with. What makes these people think they have the right to hurt a child/wife???
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