Someone teach me forgiveness

[FidesSpesCarita]

I have always known that the problem was mine. A question asked was ‘you didn’t have these feelings for 20 years, why now?’ I did have problems with the issue from time to time during the 20 years; it made me very unhappy, but it didn’t consume my every waking thought.

Icedtea: I think I understand your pain. Mine was unlike anything before and overwhelming. Severe depression set in, I saw doctors and begain taking medication. What kind of severe depression? I tried to explain to someone once that on bad days you wished you were dead and on good days you didn’t care much one way or the other. My heart has been torn more times than I care to think. At this point, it is nothing but scar tissue.

Many here have pointed to a spiritual source of the problem. I now think I am inclined to agree. Too many coincidences. I also have, I think, and advantage you may not have: my wife is a convert and I was her sponsor. I got to stand there with my hand on her shoulder as she (we) pledged what we believe to be true. Now when I feel myself slipping into a bad thought pattern, I close my eyes and visualize that moment as clearly as I can. I repeat what others here have said: This is a new woman, all others have died. And I pray until it passes. All of this has worked more than anything else.

To the poster who said ‘you have a wife other men would kill for’, that I DO know to be true. I have a woman who has lived every false promise and now knows them to be false. Since we have met, there have been many times when I was the one who was weak and she was the one who was strong. Example: back when dating, one weekend night I got the urge to smoke pot. When I said “Let’s go”. She turned to face me, put her hands on each of my elbows, squeezed hard and said “NO, I don’t do that anymore.”

She’s the one who would get me up at 6 on Sunday and say we are going to church.

In short, she is a woman who was never given a chance to do what was right. I didn’t ‘give’ it to her, but I was the only one who allowed her to go grab what she always wanted. I just didn’t get in the way. She’s better than me.

OK, so where does all this go? You want to tell me that my sin may be worse than anything in her past? I won’t argue. You want to tell me that that other woman is dead and that she is a new creation? I’m just now starting to understand that - I didn’t really understand it before. I am redirecting my thoughts to that as hard as I can. I am learning how to pray, real prayer, for probably the first time and I am nearly praying constantly.

I am now starting to believe what I had before only heard: that God is my only answer. Since my first post, I have felt things change.

Be strong. This is a spiritual attack, brought on to cause you to dwell on things that will drive you away from God. The only effective weapon against this attack is Prayer. Pray for the grace to forget. Pray hard. I am like you in many ways, with the woman I love having been involved in many of the same things it sounds like your wife once did. I have been forced to fight this battle many times in the past two years and I know that I will be forced to fight it many times in the future. I am just glad that I have access to Padre Pio’s weapon… The rosary.

Also, I cant recall if anyone said this yet or not, but if they have I want to repeat it. Talk to your confessor. Walk through this situation with him and listen to his advice. And if you dont have a spiritual adviser, get one. Fast. They can help guide you through this since when we go through these spiritual battles, we sometimes cannot see the war because of the battle we are in. It is difficult to hold to your strategy when you feel like you are losing the battle. But remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and fight against this knowing that it may take the rest of your life to get over it.

 

[Tiribulus]

I might throw in here that a “therapist” who is telling you to watch pornography and have mental affairs is the very last person on earth you need to be talking to. That would be all I needed to hear. Goodbye and never back.

 

[Em_in_FL]

1. Believe it or not, my psychologist (after checking with peers who agreed) says that my principles are killing me. That I need to “recover those experiences I passed up so as to be able to better understand” my wife’s. In other words, become a serial cheater. Seriously. When I said “not going to happen”, she suggested that maybe I could watch porn and pretend I’m with other women. Seriously. The point of telling you this: I have reached the end of getting useful results from psychology. I know WHY I do this. I haven’t learned HOW to stop it entirely.

I might throw in here that a “therapist” who is telling you to watch pornography and have mental affairs is the very last person on earth you need to be talking to. That would be all I needed to hear. Goodbye and never back.

Yikes… yeah, I agree…
What a shame… I would have been out of there in seconds.
It’s a shame, because there are good therapists and psychologists out there… really good ones that can certainly help. I’m sorry you (OP) had a bad experience. I highly recommend asking your priest and/or diocese if they have any recommendations on counselors…

 

[stratos]

Went to confession yesterday. An hour long conversation with a good priest. There are things I heard yesterday that I want to pass along.

First: I am in no position to give advice. I am not spiritually mature enough to tell anybody anything. I am repeating some of what a good priest told me. You should verify anything I repeat here with your priest. Given my state, I don’t want to be part of giving anyone false direction.

You’ve read my story. I got to tell it all again. There were many things I learned, but there is one thing that given some of the comments on this thread and others, I want to repeat.

He said he believed it to be a spiritual attack. That through a lifelong pattern of sin and weakness that I had left myself open. When I made the decision to start to study the bible he said that I had made it all too easy for evil to continue to thwart my growing close to Jesus. Everything was in place to destroy me, my marriage, and to tear apart my wife and family. All it took was the slightest push.

When I said that I couldn’t forget or forgive what he told me was that for any serious wound it is not within a human’s power to forgive. I couldn’t forgive and forget because it was not in my power to do so. Only God, in the person of Jesus Christ, has the true power to forgive. That the way for me to progress was to invite Jesus into the situation and allow Him to forgive. When He forgives the power of the memories will no longer control me.

He said that in the Pentecost the Holy Spirit was given to us. The Holy Spirit allows us to become closer to Jesus and that when we draw Jesus authentically close to ourselves he, through the power of the Holy Spirit, He can and will cure us.

He gave me a book, “The Life Changer” by Fr. Francis Martin. I cried twice in the first ten pages. It made what he said so clear and it made what I was doing wrong so clear.

Last night I went to bed happy. I held my wife and was happy. I haven’t done that in over a year. I’m not fixed. Humans are never fixed, never complete, only God is. But when we are smart enough to turn our lives over completely to Him, He will only do what is good for us. I’m ready. I had to be broken first. I was a lifelong Catholic, product of Catholic grade schools, that was pretending. I thought I had control. I needed to learn that I never ever did have control of my life – not even for a moment.

I’ll send part II of this post in a second. There is still a little more I feel a need to say.

 

[FidesSpesCarita]

Went to confession yesterday. An hour long conversation with a good priest. There are things I heard yesterday that I want to pass along.

First: I am in no position to give advice. I am not spiritually mature enough to tell anybody anything. I am repeating some of what a good priest told me. You should verify anything I repeat here with your priest. Given my state, I don’t want to be part of giving anyone false direction.

You’ve read my story. I got to tell it all again. There were many things I learned, but there is one thing that given some of the comments on this thread and others, I want to repeat.

He said he believed it to be a spiritual attack. That through a lifelong pattern of sin and weakness that I had left myself open. When I made the decision to start to study the bible he said that I had made it all too easy for evil to continue to thwart my growing close to Jesus. Everything was in place to destroy me, my marriage, and to tear apart my wife and family. All it took was the slightest push. I have seen this in my life as well.

When I said that I couldn’t forget or forgive what he told me was that for any serious wound it is not within a human’s power to forgive. I couldn’t forgive and forget because it was not in my power to do so. Only God, in the person of Jesus Christ, has the true power to forgive. That the way for me to progress was to invite Jesus into the situation and allow Him to forgive. When He forgives the power of the memories will no longer control me. This too. My priest actually gave me this very same advice… Man, it sounds like you are in my parish!

He said that in the Pentecost the Holy Spirit was given to us. The Holy Spirit allows us to become closer to Jesus and that when we draw Jesus authentically close to ourselves he, through the power of the Holy Spirit, He can and will cure us.

He gave me a book, “The Life Changer” by Fr. Francis Martin. I cried twice in the first ten pages. It made what he said so clear and it made what I was doing wrong so clear.

Last night I went to bed happy. I held my wife and was happy. I haven’t done that in over a year. I’m not fixed. Humans are never fixed, never complete, only God is. But when we are smart enough to turn our lives over completely to Him, He will only do what is good for us. I’m ready. I had to be broken first. I was a lifelong Catholic, product of Catholic grade schools, that was pretending. I thought I had control. I needed to learn that I never ever did have control of my life – not even for a moment.

I’ll send part II of this post in a second. There is still a little more I feel a need to say.

Boy, that last paragraph makes me happy for you. Thank God for His Grace and thank God for good priests.

And I am going to see about getting that book.

 

[stratos]

Part II

I told the priest, how I felt like I was just learning to pray. That instead of recitation I was learning to tell God my problem and to beg for help. I told him about doing that and hearing my voice, as if it were someone else, state “I sent you a gift.”

I told him, no, it wasn’t God speaking thunderously from a cloud, but that I knew it was something I needed to pay attention to.

This priest, at this point, got animated. He smiled and practically thumped himself in the head with his palm. He said "Why do people find it so hard to believe that God talks to them?!" He went on to say, Jesus Christ wants your friendship. The Holy Spirit is working to get your attention. He said "Jesus Christ stands right next to you at this moment. Why do you find it so hard to believe that He is talking to you? He is.

I guess this is when he gave me the Fr. Martin “The Life Changer”. He said that if I left myself open (in the correct way) that the Holy Spirit would enter my life and begin to make clear what God wanted.

I don’t know if I am making a lot of sense with these two posts. But I do know what I have to do and I know that I have a lot of work to do. And I do know that the Holy Spirit is how I will draw closer to Jesus Christ and that through Them is my only path out of desolation.

I wish I could tell you how quickly my life has changed.

Thank you all. And pray for good priests.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I wish I could tell you how quickly my life has changed.

Thank you all. And pray for good priests.

Thank you for sharing your experience… it’s absolutely beautiful.
Your priest is right, it’s not humanly possible to jump the void into forgiveness without the Holy Spirit.
You will be in my prayers… thanks be to God you have such a wonderful priest!

 

[po18guy]

I don’t know if I am making a lot of sense with these two posts. But I do know what I have to do and I know that I have a lot of work to do. And I do know that the Holy Spirit is how I will draw closer to Jesus Christ and that through Them is my only path out of desolation. I wish I could tell you how quickly my life has changed. Thank you all. And pray for good priests.

You are making perfect sense. Please indulge me for a moment here: in prayer for marriages that are in strife or separation, I view the structure of marriage as a letter “A”. The top point of the letter is God, while the bottom of the “legs” are the spouses. The lines represent relationships. The longer vertical lines are the spouses’ relationship with God, while the shorter horizontal line is their relationship with one another. Any repair being made in these relationships must begin with the individual’s relationship with God. Only after that primary relationship is re-established, repaired and strengthened can the spouses then turn to one another and seek healing and a restoration of the love between them. You remain in my prayers.