Married 20+ years. We married late. My wife was my first and only partner. My wife had a horrible upbringing (not her fault), one result of which is that she had many (-many-) partners prior to meeting me.
My wife is beautiful, wonderful, loving, and totally devoted to me. She has been faithful to me and I to her. I think of all her prior experiences as her ‘wandering in the desert’. She had to live all the bad before she could recognize good – she found it in God and says she saw it in me. She is a better person than I am now. She’s a better Christian and a better Catholic. She’s a better human being. She’s dealt with it and moved on.
Early in our relationship, she sat me down and had the ‘here is what you must know’ conversation. It was very sad and very hard, hard, hard to hear. Drugs. Causual relationships. Abortions. She was honest, sad, and repentant. Always has been. I loved her. We married and have wonderful children and a wonderful life, almost.
Now 20+ years later, I have become nearly obsessed with her prior life. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a year and have worked through a lot of the issues. But I CANNOT GET OVER the thoughts of her with others. It is killing me and going to kill the marriage. I have periods where I can’t even look at her because it just hurts too much.
I’ve reached the point where I know only God can fix my problem. I now realize I really can’t run my life; I need God to do that. I beg for forgiveness and beg to learn forgiveness.
How do I overcome the rage and hate? Anger at my wife for not waiting for me. Utter hatred at the men who were so abusive. Anger at the world. I feel I can’t even confess the anger and hate, because I know that it will just continue.
I am just at a total loss. I beg God to fix me. So far my prayers are unanswered.
Stratos,
You and I are members of the exact same “club.” Unfortunately, it’s not a club anyone wants to be a member of. In fact, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
If you refer to a thread I posted on here a couple of days ago, entitled “Wife Lied About Her Sexual Past,” you’ll get an idea of what I am talking about. The thread is located about 7 or 8 threads above where yours appears on this forum.
I have been married nearly 30 years. Before getting married, my wife (fiance, at the time), assured me that she was a virgin. I felt very strongly that one should not engage in sexual intercourse prior to marriage. I followed the rule of saving myself for marriage, and I would not marry someone who did not share my beliefs.
Eleven years into our marriage, my wife disclosed to me that she had engaged in premarital sex with one of her boyfriends in college. I was absolutely devasted by the news. In fact, it was more of a crushing blow to me than when I received word that my mother had passed away.
Then, during the winter of this year (6 or 8 months ago), 18 years after I learned of that sexual partner, I found out that there was a second sexual partner that she had before we met. Then, just last night, she told me about a third partner.
When you say, “I can’t get over the thoughts of her with others,” I share your pain from the bottom of my heart. It’s something that I’ve been struggling with since learning of her first partner nearly 19 years ago. The pain has been compounded by learning of the second and third partners. The haunting images of my wife being with other men simply does not seem to go away. I don’t know whether you experience this or not, but for me the pain is strongest when engaging in sex with my wife, since that activity seems to “open the floodgates” to the haunting reminders of my wife having been with other men.
I’m not trying to hijack your thread, but I simply wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. And, from what I can tell, our “club” has a lot of members who are in exactly the same situation as us.
Based on my experience in trying to deal with this problem, two things seem to help:
(1) Prayer, and (2) Keeping extremely busy. Neither has been a complete remedy for the problem, but it does help. And, you will find that some days are much better than others.
I always pray to God that the good days outnumber the bad.
Most of all, don’t let anyone tell you to “just get over it.” Unless someone has actually been through what we’ve experienced, they simply don’t know how much it hurts.
Wouldn’t it be great if there were some support groups sponsored by the Catholic Church to address the needs of those who are experiencing what we are? Wishful thinking, I know.
Wishing you all the best!
…but never anything other than that.