Son and girlfriend caught home alone

[leahbrahms]

I wonder if your wife realizes that she may actually end up making them feel pressured into having sex? If a girl is on the pill, it becomes very difficult to justify not “using it” - that’s been my experience. I imagine the same thing would be true for a guy with a condom in his wallet all the time.

When I was 16 dating an 18 year old, I was pressured into going on birth control, even though I wasn’t sexually active or planning to be. At my yearly physical, the nurse told me it was the right thing to do - and from when we’re little we’re taught to look to medical professionals as authority figures. I was alone, without my parents, and it was just easier to agree. I was so confused. My parents never knew. But being on birth control made everything different - expectations were different. So there you go.

 

[Oblaidon]

DW doesn’t believe he has the will power. I am not sure. He told me a few weeks back that they were going to wait for marriage.

Now it seems DW is giving the green light before marriage even though she says she prefers they wait. In her mind the need not to have a baby in this point in his life surpasses the need to be chaste. She has seen relationships too many times result in a baby. I don’t know if I could convince her otherwise.

Here is my email so far:

Seems like we are giving him two messages.

1. Don’t have sex.

1. We know you can’t follow the first message. So have protection just in case. You are an adult, but you don’t have control over what you do.

(DD) was saying a few weeks back that they were going to wait. Giving her BC’s is like encouraging her to have sex with him. If she is taking them for a while she will feel as though she should be putting them to good use. Do we really think (DD) can’t handle his urges, and she can’t handle them either.

I am hesitating on hitting the send button, because I know she will be against my answer. She is Catholic, but has her own views on the subject.

 

[hasikelee]

DW doesn’t believe he has the will power. I am not sure. He told me a few weeks back that they were going to wait for marriage.

Now it seems DW is giving the green light before marriage even though she says she prefers they wait. In her mind the need not to have a baby in this point in his life surpasses the need to be chaste. She has seen relationships too many times result in a baby. I don’t know if I could convince her otherwise.

Here is my email so far:

I am hesitating on hitting the send button, because I know she will be against my answer. She is Catholic, but has her own views on the subject.

If she doesn’t want a baby, the only way to prevent that is to make sure DS doesn’t have sex.

All birth control and condoms have a failure rate, and it’s even higher for teens.

Does DW know why girlfriend already had sexual contact without BC or a condom?

 

[whatevergirl]

although your wife was not meaning any harm, her advice would give the impression of condoning pre marital sex. it’s likened to saying…‘well, if you do drugs son, just use a clean needle.’
abstinence. period. the best way. the holy way.

Hope things work out.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Just a thought, did you ask him when he plans to marry this girl? I doubt he’s relating the desire for sex with the responsibility of marriage. Maybe if you help him make the correlation he will see that the two are connected, and not take her so lightly.

I wonder if he thought having sex with her would be ok since she had ‘done it before’. Again, maybe talking with him about planning for a wedding and meeting with a priest would show him that relationships should be taken more seriously. And your wife as well.

 

[Maria1212]

Your son is 18. You need to teach him the facts, trust him to do the right thing, and pray. It is a good rule to not let him be alone with her in the house, but that won`t address the root problem. Both him and his girlfriend need to understand the spiritual, moral, and physical consequences of premarital sex. You might have your son volunteer at a pregnancy crisis center as a way of helping him learn about the consequences.

I know your wife did what she thought was best. But aside from the moral reasons–that advice does a huge disservice your son`s girlfriend. She should not be advised to take an artificial chemical every day for the convenience of preventing pregnancy. That could have dangerous side effects for her, but it also shifts the joint responsibility from your son and his girlfriend, to mainly his girlfriend. Frankly, the advice to take the pill might pressure her into thinking she should be having sex.

For your son and his girlfriend to remain committed to chastity, or to recommit themselves to it, they both need to understand all of the consequences, most important being spiritual and moral. Since your son`s girlfriend may not be able to get this from her parents, I recommend you talk with both of them about it. They might not know it is a mortal sin.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[rinnie]

What is so sad is this is reality. How many people do you know that go to church today. Especially young kids. How many people our age go anymore. What is even worse is that these kids that our kids are dating have no clue. They have parents that are teaching them this. My son is 21 his girlfriends mom is in her 40s my age and she is worst then these kids. I am fighting a losing battle. I told him not in my house, he left he is back. When he wanted to come back there were rules. Number one you will go to Church every Sunday no exceptions, he is, and even said he missed going. But like you here is the problem we cant watch them and be with them every moment. These girls are so confused and throwing themselves at them. They think this is Love. The only thing you and your wife are wrong on is you must be consistent. Stick together one is saying its wrong one is saying its right. You must say one thing its wrong and thats it. I tell my son its Gods words not mine, Will he lisen probally not, But my conscience is clear. I told him Gods way. The rest God has to help me. and him. But believe me i know where you are comming from.

 

[deb1]

You need to bypass your wife because it doesn’t sound like she is going to be on the same page no matter what you do.

Take your son out to a father son dinner. Despite being 18, he would probably love to do something with just the guys. Tell your wife it is a guy’s night out.

Then once your son is relaxed, have a conversation with him. Tell him your concerns and the WHYS of what you believe. It might also help to acknowledge that modern society pushes sex at people. You might want to point out that living a Christian life has always been countercultural.

I bet that he has noticed how many people follow lock step with fashions, hairstyles, viewpoints etc of those around him. I spent a lot of time telling my kids that they don’t want to be sheep in the world. Such talks help kids have pride in standing the against the crowd.

You might want to point out how insulting to him, society’s message that he can’t control himself actually is.

Acknowledge that going without sex is difficult but almost everything worthwhile in life is difficult. Getting an education, being a parent, almost everything that gives us pleasure has difficult moments. Ask him if he would quit whatever gives him a lot of satisfaction(you will be the best judge of what example to use here) if it becomes too difficult.

You will probably have to address the issue of your wife with your son. Don’t criticize her but point out that her view of adolescences is based on seeing the worst cases. So, she isn’t really looking at the bigger picture.

 

[Phemie]

I don’t know about any of you but my parents were devout Catholics, and they preached chastity and no ABC. It didn’t stop my brothers and I from having premarital sex. It wasn’t something we discussed with mom and dad before or after we did and if they’d asked we’d have told them we were virgins.

 

[rinnie]

I don’t know about any of you but my parents were devout Catholics, and they preached chastity and no ABC. It didn’t stop my brothers and I from having premarital sex. It wasn’t something we discussed with mom and dad before or after we did and if they’d asked we’d have told them we were virgins.

As much as i hate to admit it you are right. My daughter told me one time that they tell us what we want to hear. I guess that we also were young once and all disapointed our parents. This is reality and I guess its not gettting any easier. I can honestly say that when i got married that not one of my friends were not only not virgins but have been with more than one man. I can honestly say that i have only been with one man my husband, But then again i got married at 19. Who is to say as much as i love God and the Church i would have been able to say that if i was in my 20s. This is the hard facts, its rare but it exists. Too many people are preaching that its okay why lie. As much as i try to live my life as an example and preach my hands are tied.

 

[LRThunder]

Another thing to keep in mind, in addition to all that was said, is what was his girlfriend’s age? If he’s 18 and she’s younger, he could’ve been breaking the law as well.

 

[THurifer2]

I would think your wife would be more concerned about STDs. 1 of 4 girls ages 14-19 have an STD. news.aol.com/health/story/ar/_a/1-in-4-teen-girls-in-us-has-an-std/20080311124309990002
That’s 25% percent of all teenage girls(part of the other 75% aren’t even sexually active, imagine how high the stats are if it was only a poll of the sexually active teens).
HIV (among other incurable STDs) is a very real thing. I guarantee there are kids in your son’s school that have it.
But more importantly he should know the facts of God’s teaching on sexuality. Jason Evert’s stuff is a great start.

the number ONE STD in TEENAGE GIRLS IS DEPRESSION! Caused by lack of self esteem. The secular world works for Satan…it is through their agendas that the souls of many Boys and Girls are poisoned…often poisoned unto death…eternal death. The physical repcurcussions (STDs) are nothing compared to the psychological/spiritual destruction.

 

[THurifer2]

I don’t know about any of you but my parents were devout Catholics, and they preached chastity and no ABC. It didn’t stop my brothers and I from having premarital sex. It wasn’t something we discussed with mom and dad before or after we did and if they’d asked we’d have told them we were virgins.

My parents did the same…I listened to them. Your parents did their job in being the steward of your soul. It is NOT THEIR FAULT BUT YOUR FAULT you didn’t listen…When you parents stand before the just judge they will have one less thing to worry about…Remember our children are entrusted to us and we are to do gods will not this world’s will.

 

[Catherine_W]

Hello,

I’m not sure if this will help but… recently I have been reading about the Saints. I found something very interesting about St. Louis IX King of France… when he was a child his mother would say to him “I would rather see you dead at my feet than commit a mortal sin”. If your son could understand the severity of sin that premarital sex brings as well as contraception, then hopefully that would motivate him to wait until marriage. I think for sure he should read some of Christopher West books; maybe he is old enough for “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” and “Theology of the Body for Beginners.” Make sure he reads them and understands the severity of sin. Also, encourage him to go to confession; this is always helpful when trying to avoid sin.

God bless

 

[Phemie]

My parents did the same…I listened to them. Your parents did their job in being the steward of your soul. It is NOT THEIR FAULT BUT YOUR FAULT you didn’t listen…When you parents stand before the just judge they will have one less thing to worry about…Remember our children are entrusted to us and we are to do gods will not this world’s will.

I agree, it’s my fault, but my point was that just because your kids tell you they’ve not had sex doesn’t mean it’s true – who wants to tell mom & dad they’ve been getting it on??

And just because you do & teach everything the Church wants doesn’t mean your kids will listen. If that were so all my classmates & I would have been virgins when we got married. I can safely say that most of us weren’t, few were at graduation.

While our parents’ admonitions may have held us back for a while, they certainly didn’t stop our behaviour.

That’s not to say that I think we shouldn’t tell our kids to wait until marriage. We did; we taught our kids exactly what the Church says. They didn’t listen to us any more than we listened to our parents.

 

[rinnie]

You know this really is telling us something else. Something really much more important. All of us in our 30s and 40s agree on what the world is like today, Just because we are trying to live right doesnt mean it isnt hard. But how many kids really know what a sin it is. I mean really and truely. I believe if they really understood how serious this is they wouldnt do it. But maybe there should really be something in Sunday school, and in the Church to talk about this in black and white. Sometimes our kids have to hear it from others to believe what we are telling them. Maybe ccd needs to be reconstructed, Not to change the word of God but to make kids more aware of what it really is saying. I really think sometimes everyone thinks God is going to just say, no big deal, I think they are taught about the forgiving GOd that he is BUT forget the repenting and sin no more part.

 

[Phemie]

You know this really is telling us something else. Something really much more important. All of us in our 30s and 40s agree on what the world is like today, Just because we are trying to live right doesnt mean it isnt hard. But how many kids really know what a sin it is. I mean really and truely. I believe if they really understood how serious this is they wouldnt do it. But maybe there should really be something in Sunday school, and in the Church to talk about this in black and white. Sometimes our kids have to hear it from others to believe what we are telling them. Maybe ccd needs to be reconstructed, Not to change the word of God but to make kids more aware of what it really is saying. I really think sometimes everyone thinks God is going to just say, no big deal, I think they are taught about the forgiving GOd that he is BUT forget the repenting and sin no more part.

I can tell you that the part in red is all they hear at my parish. Then the priest says “I’m not sitting in the confessional for 30 minutes before Mass, nobody comes.” Well, duh, when’s the last time you told them they needed to repent and confess? All you ever say is “No matter what we do, God loves us and forgives us.” Is it any wonder nobody feels a need to cross the threshold of the Reconciliation Room?

Not to mention that ‘sin’ is never, ever, spoken of. Nothing’s a sin, even abortion is ‘do what’s best for your family’. ABC? Up to your conscience, informed or not. That’s been the mantra in Canada since HV and the response from the Canadian bishops. As for NFP, the last time I mentioned that we should get someone to teach it the pastor smirked. There’s no interest in providing our parishioners with THAT information. To be perfectly honest, by the time I heard about NFP, we’d used ABC for several years, had our 3 kids and DH had had a vasectomy. When a priest tells you when you’re 19 that using ABC is OK as long as your conscience is clear who’s going to go look anywhere else?

 

[graceandglory]

Oblaidon:
He’s an adult. Albeit not a very mature one, if he’s messing around in mom and dad’s house. Duh.

Offer to send him to the National Catholic Singles’ Conference this summer in San Diego.

No price is too high for my kids’ purity, as long as I can have a say over it. And if they choose to live under my roof, I have a say.

nationalcatholicsingles.com/

 

[graceandglory]

He’s 18.

If he thinks he man enough to have sex, then he’s man enough to move out.
.
.

Tell your son if he wants to continue living with you, he has to

1) get tested immediately as his partner had prior sexual contact
2) follow your wishes in your home no matter what at all times

fantastic response, hasilelee!
#1 is deep, very thought provoking. Excellent suggestion.

 

[graceandglory]

Yes, we are not on the same page. If I say it is wrong for him to have premarrital sex, DW will say, “yeah, like that is going to stop him”.

Seems like society today in movies, TV, and social settings take it as normal to have premarrital sexual relationships.
**
I am not only not on the same page with DW, I am not on the same page as the secular world**.

Maybe so, Oblaidon, but YOU ARE DAD.

YOU have so much say and power in this regard it is utterly amazing.

I am attempting to do the same with my teenage boys. My leadership in this area, I think, pales in comparison to the effect I would have if I were the DAD.

St. Monica, pray for us.