Son and girlfriend caught home alone

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kage_ar said:
Yup.

Imagine, if your wife caught your son shooting up drugs and her reaction was “I am a health professional and will get you clean needles, since you are just going to do it anyway”.
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Health care professionals actually do this where I live…called the needle exchange program, where drug users come in and trade used w/new needles.:eek: Rationale is that it prevents blood-borne disease…also sounds like enabling, to me!!!
 
Someone’s idea about going out with your son for a supper and discussion sounded like a really good idea.

Another thing, you MUST say you acknowledge that while it may be difficult, you trust that your son will be able to stay pure. Nothing like my father telling me in so-many words he didn’t trust me at all because of his own mistakes to lower my esteem and trust of myself on the issue.

Have your son understand that if anyone expects lower of him and his GF, have him know that they are wrong for very good reasons.

Not much more I could say because I don’t know your son, but one thing; Purity is a wedding gown. If it were to drag in the dirt even just a little, it would not be considered worthy of the wedding.
 
Phemie, you are right, to get to the point. as much as i hate to admit it, and as much as i Love our Priests today, they have to get mean again. ITs not the teachings its the discipline that needs to be brought back again. They need to get back to THis is how it is, and this is what you must do. I guess how the OT was more of the meaner side of God. and the NT is the more human side and nicer side of God, We need a balance. They need to bring back a more strict Loving God. God bless them like Priests dont have it hard enough.
 
My son, 18 was caught by my wife home alone with a girl of the same age. My son had his shirt and shoes off. They said they haven’t done it.
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WOW people are being awfully quick to CONDEMN this young couple! So he didn’t have his shirt on – gee, maybe it was hot that day? Or maybe he’d spilled something on it and was going to change clothes?! I know I don’t ALWAYS have shoes on when I’m in my own home. Heck, I get my shoes off as fast as possible when I get home!

They said they haven’t done it. Why don’t you give them the benefit of a doubt? Maybe they HAVEN’T. Or maybe they were just kissing/making out a bit with his shirt off. That’s a long way from having actual penetrative sex you know. It’s not like the OP’s wife caught them in flagrante…!!!

I really just think everyone’s being awfully hard on this young couple because they were alone together. Innocent until proven guilty! My father “caught” me kissing my Dear Boyfriend (now my Dear Husband and my son’s father) on our porch once, and he was kissing me pretty passionately, too. But my father just laughed and said, “Save something for the wedding, you two” and went inside and went about his life! He treated us with dignity and kindness and understanding that we were HUMAN and that we loved each other. He trusted me to uphold his moral teachings and yes, I WAS a virgin on our wedding night.

My dad did NOT make me feel like some big slut and make me get tested for STDs and make me give a presentation on ABC and pregnancy and volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center! If he had it would have TOTALLY alienated me from him and my mom (and maybe even the Faith) and made me feel like if I was being treated like I was a slut when I really WAS still a virgin. If you treat your son and his girlfriend like they’re both damaged goods because he had his shirt off and they were alone together, why the heck do they have any reason actually stay pure if the parents are jumping to conclusions and accusing of impure conduct? If they have to “do the time,” why not “do the crime,” you know?

I think you should give your son the benefit of a doubt! Maybe he’s really in love with this young lady and she’ll end up your daughter in law and the mother of your grandchildren – do you always want her to see you as looking down on her, or as a nice, understanding father in law? Maybe show them some understanding and respect. Maybe show that you trust them and believe them when they say they haven’t sinned. That will make them want to uphold the morals you teach them far more than any scolding!

~Jaden(name removed by moderator)
 
I have a question for the OP (original poster). Do you happen to know how old the girl was? If she was under 18, your son could (I repeat could) have gotten into legal trouble as well.

And while there might be an innocent reason for having his shirt off and being alone with a girl, that’s a situation that should be avoided unless he’s married. Even if nothing happened, it could create scandal.

Just ere on the side of caution. I don’t have that much experience dating, but if I was ever alone with a girl, I’d make sure I kept ALL of my clothes on, especially if I was in my parents’ or her parents’ place.
 
You must teach your children right from wrong and the reasons for but, at the end of the day, he is a young adult and will make his own choices. It may be, as a previous poster has said, that he made the right choice and didn’t actually do anything.
BTW, there is absolutely no point in slating his mother and what she said because it is done now. It may not have been the best advice but when a person finds thamselves having to face a situation, they do not always have the luxury of thinking things through and discussing it before responding.
 
To the OP:

I think your wife made the right decision in suggesting birth control. Have you forgotten what it’s like to be an 18 year old red blooded American male? Regardless of the morality, he’s a young man with limited willpower when pumped full of hormones. He’s going to find himself in tempting situations, regardless of how well mom and dad have counseled him and chances are he’s going to mess up at some point. Kids don’t think things through very carefully, and typically learn their lessons the hard way. I’d rather him be using BC and prevent an unwanted pregnancy which may ruin or drastically complicate any future plans for his life. I think it’s important that you both have conveyed the message about what you believe is right regarding sex before marriage, but at the same time I think it’s only practical to encourage birth control if he chooses to engage in sexual activity. After all, it would be nice if he felt comfortable enough to broach the subject with either of you if he finds himself in any compromising situations and needs advice. Just my 2 cents.
 
BC doesn’t always work though. What then?

Trust me, I’m not even speaking hypothetically at this point.
 
BrownR said:
To the OP:

I think your wife made the right decision in suggesting birth control. Have you forgotten what it’s like to be an 18 year old red blooded American male? Regardless of the morality, he’s a young man with limited willpower when pumped full of hormones. He’s going to find himself in tempting situations, regardless of how well mom and dad have counseled him and chances are he’s going to mess up at some point. Kids don’t think things through very carefully, and typically learn their lessons the hard way. I’d rather him be using BC and prevent an unwanted pregnancy which may ruin or drastically complicate any future plans for his life. I think it’s important that you both have conveyed the message about what you believe is right regarding sex before marriage, but at the same time I think it’s only practical to encourage birth control if he chooses to engage in sexual activity. After all, it would be nice if he felt comfortable enough to broach the subject with either of you if he finds himself in any compromising situations and needs advice. Just my 2 cents.
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Or…there is an easier, safer, healthier way to not have an unwanted pregancy…not have sex. Being “an 18 year old red blooded American male” means that he HAS TO have sex? :tsktsk:
 
Agree with MM.

I think that we wouldn’t give the same ‘advice’ to someone thinking of doing drugs–‘hey, just make sure you use clean needles, kids!’😊 Imagine such advice? So, why do we sell our kids short in this culture–by telling them–well, you can’t control yourself anyways, so…

Yes, true, we can’t hold their hands…and perhaps, they will make mistakes. But, I don’t think kids need to hear from their parents to use condoms…there is enough of that out there in the media. At home, is probably the only place they have a shot at learning the real truth about sexuality–and that is to abstain before marriage.

It might be difficult, but doing the right thing usually is.
 
Guys, it’s just not realistic in today’s era when the mean age of marriage is continuing to increase. 95% of American’s have had premarital sex. Now you can say “That’s a general poll, not a poll among Christians or even Catholics, yet 76% of American’s identify themselves as Christian.” Either way you look at it, not only do we have the vast majority of people in the U.S. having premarital sex, but we have the majority of Christians in this country having or have had premarital sex. My personal beliefs aside, which I’ve stated on these forums before and happen to be quite liberal, it’s imperative to not live in a fantasy land where your kids are concerned. You may think your kids are “different” and unable to make mistakes like the rest of the population but the numbers don’t lie and do you really want to take the risk of your child having an unwanted pregnancy that could potentially ruin or severely complicate their life? I wouldn’t.
 
abstinence is the only method though that works 100% of the time…condoms even break/fail. i agree to discuss what kids might hear from the media/others out there with them, but to tell them that the only fool proof method to preventing pregnancy and std’s is abstinence. (complete abstinence–oral sex can bring about std’s too)

so, while i know what you’re trying to say–teaching kids that there is another method that will safe guard their well being, health, etc…other than abstinence is actually a lie. yes, i suppose those other methods could ‘lessen’ those situations from happening–but do we really think that kids who end up pregnant, or with std’s were completely unaware of condoms? if they are so effective, why aren’t kids using them? because mom and dad taught abstinence? lol i doubt that. kids know more than you and i think they do–they need to hear the truth–and the truth is that if you want to prevent pregnancy and std’s 100% of the time–JUST SAY NO.😉

PS–A lot of kids (I mean a lot) dabble with drugs, stats say–would it be appropriate to tell our kids…well, if you try heroin, just use a clean needle. If you snort cocaine, just make sure know where it came from. I liken those examples to advocating condom use for sex. Same thing with underage drinking–I mean, could you envision a parent saying…‘if you drink, just don’t drive.’ These statements promote irresponsibility. I’m not naive to think that if a parent teaches his/her child to abstain until marriage, that he/she might still try to find birth control measures in order to have sex. But, the reality is that pregnancy is a minor point to worry over, if a person has contracted a fatal STD. Granted, we cannot hold their hands, but I think kids look up to us as parents/adults, to at least give them the truth. The truth is condoms only work part of the time–and no orgasm is worth a child’s health and future. 1 out of 4 girls have std’s…condoms clearly are not the answer.😦
 
Oblaidon said:
Hi everyone,
I hope this is the right place to post this.

My son, 18 was caught by my wife home alone with a girl of the same age. My son had his shirt and shoes off. They said they haven’t done it. The girl said she wouldn’t do it because the first time she had a bad experience.

I didn’t catch them, my wife(DW) did. DW told the girl to get on a birth control. DW’s take was that they were going to eventually do it and these kids are too young to have babies. DW made it clear that she is not condoning them having sex. But they if the continue this route they will be having sex. DW wants to follow the catholic teachings but she is also a health professional and she has seen many teen pregnancies.

My talk with son was basically not to put himself in a position such as being home alone with a girl. Temptation would be too great. Also said that having a baby at this point in his life would change all of his future plans.

Well that is the gist of it.

Need advice,
Al
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Never ending sexual protection:Make a habbit of reminding him/them EVERYDAY,literately everyday and that way he will remember it all the time.What ever stay on our mind is what we will eventually do.We as mature adults must continuosly remind our kids about the things we expect from them.whatever you want him to be let it continuosly come out of your mouth,be careful what you say.For you may not like what you create…If you plant a seed today you wouldn’t expect to harvest next week, however you must contiue to nuture it and be patient you’ll get what you expect.👍
 
Oh yay, same thing going on in our house, only, my end is the daughter.

We have ongoing conversations. Hormonal birth control is something that I am against. Not only because of Church teachings, but also, for health reasons. I try to teach her so that she can make an informed decision. In the end, it is her decision.

I pray a lot and have a trust that God will take care of us. I am also not naive, and understand the realities, and would much prefer that she not become pregnant while still in high school. If she decides to go with hormonal birth control, I will respect her decision. I don’t believe this is me, endorsing her choice to have sex, as from all of the conversations we have she clearly understands that I am against her having a sexually intimate relationship.
 
RebeccaJ said:
If she decides to go with hormonal birth control, I will respect her decision. I don’t believe this is me, endorsing her choice to have sex, as from all of the conversations we have she clearly understands that I am against her having a sexually intimate relationship.
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You respect her decision to sin? Did you tell her this? That you will respect her decision if she choses to use what the Church calls intrinsically evil to engage in further sin and endangering her soul? You must not really believe that using birth control and sex outside of marriage is truly sinful, it just doesn’t make sense to respect sinful behavior.
 
rayne89 said:
You respect her decision to sin? Did you tell her this? That you will respect her decision if she choses to use what the Church calls intrinsically evil to engage in further sin and endangering her soul? You must not really believe that using birth control and sex outside of marriage is truly sinful, it just doesn’t make sense to respect sinful behavior.
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My daughter is not Catholic. She has never been baptized in any church or religion. So any conversations we have re: sin, it is me, explaining my beliefs and telling her quite clearly that I have her best interests in mind.

And yes, her choices are hers. She is intelligent, and no longer a child. She is nearly an adult, and I respect her, the choices she makes, even if/when I believe them to be not only sinful, but very much not in her best interests.

I keep our conversations going, and I know that I have a large influence on her. So, that is my hope and my prayer, that in the end, she listens to her mom. However, it is not something I can make her do. She has the same free will the God gave you and me.

Doesn’t mean the thought and idea doesn’t break my heart. Some days I do nothing but cry. And I have to fight hateful feelings for a certain teenage boy.

one more edit to add: I am a convert to Catholicism, from atheism, though I was raised as a Mormon (left that religion 20+ years ago). I was Baptized, Confirmed, and received first Communion this past Saturday.

There is a transition going on in our house. Mom has “got religion”. No one else has. Less than a year ago I told my daughter, very specifically, that I would rather have her on birth control than pregnant.

I have embraced the teaching of the Catholic church re: birth control. I agree with them. My daughter is still as I raised her, an atheist, maybe agnostic. She knows nothing of the doctrines of sin. And so, in this process I teach her, slowly, and with great love and care as she is not interested in, as she says, “getting Jesus”. The last thing I need is to turn this into a rebellion against my choice to become Catholic.

Thursday night, I came home from the Mass of the Lord’s Supper, and my daughter asked me to help her get on birth control. I have been reeling from this request. Praying. Speaking with clergy.

I am still figuring out how to live as a Catholic. It is all very new to me, but I think I am doing the best I can.
 
At some point, you have to let your child make his or her own decisions. At some point, they will start doing that regardless of whether you let them or not! I know I did. I’m not necessarily proud of all of those decisions, but hey.

If your child is still living with you, then they need to respect house rules. If you’re paying for their education, you can hold them to certain standards. If they’re out from under your roof, paying for their own college, etc. there’s not much you can do to make them obey. At that point, they’re on their own.

You can DEFINITELY give advice, regardless of whether they are still being supported by you or not. Whether they will listen to it is another story.

As for the whole pregnancy issue: It works like this…You have sex, you may get pregnant. You accept that chance by having sex in the first place. That’s just how it works. If you don’t want to have a baby, don’t have sex. Birth control fails sometimes! It seems to me that people my age don’t always understand that like they should. (I’m still a teenager.)
 
Rebecca,
Congratulations on your confirmation. I, too, became Catholic as an adult. I became Catholic when my oldest started CCD. I wanted to know what I was protesting about so I attended RCIA. After listening to Scott Hann and learning about the Catholic faith was confirmed in 1995. My prayers are with you on your daughter. Have you tried to enroll her in RCIA? It might be the best option, because of her age.
 
Fornicating is a sin and so is birth control. The problem I have with the pill is that it is pre-meditated. It is predicting that you will sin by taking the pill.

Condoms also are pre-meditated. If a condom gets too old you have to throw it away. Many kids don’t realize that. Then it breaks while in use resulting in a possible pregnancy or STD. The kids have to invest their money in keeping supplied with condoms. I know I hate to waste my money, I am sure it is the same with them.

Then I also realize this is the real world and sex is a reality.

DS knows my views. I can’t keep track of where he is every second of his life. I can only pray that my example and faith has influence on him.
 
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