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twosweetgirls
Guest
^Nicely said, Whatevergirl. 
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mommamia
Guest
Bama, of course you have concerns. But from experience I say you have to give her a chance. Just because her mother divorced, doesnât mean she will. In fact children of divorced families have seen first hand how destructive this can be.
I came from a broken home, raised Catholic by my grandmother and great-grandmother. I married a Baptist man. While my family and church accepted him with open arms, it was not the same with his family. His pastor told him to leave me more times than I like to think about. They often brought up my âshadyâ past, ie my mother was not married, not coming from the perfect family. All this did was alienate him from the Baptist church. You do not want to alienate your son from the church! By showing so much love and acceptance, dh has come to respect the Catholic church, and all our children are raised Catholic. Even one of his brotherâs and his wife have converted to Catholisism, after finding such a loving and accepting bunch of people. Dh attends Mass with us regurally, volunteers at the church and school, and will probably never actually convert. But he is a good father and good role model for my children, and I am so glad that I followed my heart and married this Baptist man.
My cousins, both raised by two loving Catholic parents, married nice Catholic spouses. One ended up divorced, and one ended up living a life of sin with multiple men, while her spouse is in prison for a theft she helped plan. Just goes to show that you canât predict what will happen.
I think if you continue to show this girl love and acceptance she may turn out to be the daughter in law you have always wanted. If she is willing to go to Mass with you, that is a good sign. Dh went with me once, and it was three years before he would go back,lol. It was just too different for him. His parents and one brother constantly cause friction over our choice to live a Catholic lifestyle, often being petty and mean towards us, and scaring the children to the point I avoid dealing with them if at all possible. It is sad really, they are so hung up on being right that they have forgotten to be kind.
Keep praying, and keep being kind and showing her the love of Christ. Put this in His hands and only the best can happen.
I came from a broken home, raised Catholic by my grandmother and great-grandmother. I married a Baptist man. While my family and church accepted him with open arms, it was not the same with his family. His pastor told him to leave me more times than I like to think about. They often brought up my âshadyâ past, ie my mother was not married, not coming from the perfect family. All this did was alienate him from the Baptist church. You do not want to alienate your son from the church! By showing so much love and acceptance, dh has come to respect the Catholic church, and all our children are raised Catholic. Even one of his brotherâs and his wife have converted to Catholisism, after finding such a loving and accepting bunch of people. Dh attends Mass with us regurally, volunteers at the church and school, and will probably never actually convert. But he is a good father and good role model for my children, and I am so glad that I followed my heart and married this Baptist man.
My cousins, both raised by two loving Catholic parents, married nice Catholic spouses. One ended up divorced, and one ended up living a life of sin with multiple men, while her spouse is in prison for a theft she helped plan. Just goes to show that you canât predict what will happen.
I think if you continue to show this girl love and acceptance she may turn out to be the daughter in law you have always wanted. If she is willing to go to Mass with you, that is a good sign. Dh went with me once, and it was three years before he would go back,lol. It was just too different for him. His parents and one brother constantly cause friction over our choice to live a Catholic lifestyle, often being petty and mean towards us, and scaring the children to the point I avoid dealing with them if at all possible. It is sad really, they are so hung up on being right that they have forgotten to be kind.
Keep praying, and keep being kind and showing her the love of Christ. Put this in His hands and only the best can happen.
B
BamaRider
Guest
My son and gf spent Christmas here with us. Our home splits the difference for them in terms of location.
They attended Christmas Vigil Mass with us on Christmas Eve. My brother, sister with and spouses were there, as were both our nephews. My youngest nephew was recently married last August. We took up one whole pew LOL.
After Mass we returned to our home for Christmas Eve Supper. My youngest nephewâs wife is a young, sweet, Baptist girl who we love to death. Their were no issues with their Baptist wedding, as my nephew satisfied all the paperwork the Church requires.
It is my belief the only reason the wedding was Baptist was the pressure from her family. For many months before and after the ceremony, she has been attending Mass with my nephew and our family. At Christmas Eve Supper my nephew announced Meghan was converting, and would be in the next RCIA class.
Over the last few months my wife and I have become very close to our nephewâs wife, and when my nephew is on duty (firefighter) we make sure she is not alone, and include her in all our activities. She also comes from a broken home, and knows firsthand that situation. Having said that, her mother and father both remained active in her life, that was not the case with my sonâs gf. She was shipped out to boarding schools at a young age, and came South to be with her father after college. She said that decision did not sit well with her mother. She also told me you couldnât put her mother and father in the same room. LOL
Myself, and my 2 siblings have all been happily married over 30 years, credit our Faith and upbringing. Iâm sure that weighed in on some of the decisions Meghan has made. I know I carry as much influence over my nephews as their fathers, it is not something I take lightly.
My sonâs gf seemed to have a good time the 3 days she was here with us. What makes this hard is the contrast between her and my nephewâs young wife. Meghan could not wait to join the inner circle of the family, while my sonâs gf has this chip on her shoulder. She gives us conflicting reports about her family their closeness etc, but in reality she has not seen her mother for 8 years.
My brother thinks she may be intimidated, and now feels more pressure by the fact Meahgan is converting. I donât know for sure, but her attitude is she âsold outâ to get along, but she is not gonna roll over.
I never had one conversation with Meghan or my nephew on that subject (converting) I only remainded him to comply with the laws of the Church when he came to tell me he was getting married. Her announced conversion has made us all better Catholics, she will be a asset to our parish and Church.
Much of what happens next is up to my son. I spoke to him at length on the phone today, I asked him, " do you still believe what I told you long ago about not compromising on your core of beliefs? Whether it be politics, character, and especially on what you believe as a Catholic?" âYes, I recall those conversations, and you were right. Anytime I did that to get along, I was dissapponted in myself, and Iâm not going to do that here. If I marry her it might be a Baptist wedding, but my children will be Catholic and in the fold.â
âdoes she know that?â
ânot fully, but I have a plan. I want to ease her into this, and let her see how important this is to ME, and not YOU, so let me take care of it. We are still a long way off from setting any dates, 1, because of my new job, and 2, the dust needs to settle on this, but you were correct I needed to take a breath.â
I guess we just wait to see what happens now.
They attended Christmas Vigil Mass with us on Christmas Eve. My brother, sister with and spouses were there, as were both our nephews. My youngest nephew was recently married last August. We took up one whole pew LOL.
After Mass we returned to our home for Christmas Eve Supper. My youngest nephewâs wife is a young, sweet, Baptist girl who we love to death. Their were no issues with their Baptist wedding, as my nephew satisfied all the paperwork the Church requires.
It is my belief the only reason the wedding was Baptist was the pressure from her family. For many months before and after the ceremony, she has been attending Mass with my nephew and our family. At Christmas Eve Supper my nephew announced Meghan was converting, and would be in the next RCIA class.
Over the last few months my wife and I have become very close to our nephewâs wife, and when my nephew is on duty (firefighter) we make sure she is not alone, and include her in all our activities. She also comes from a broken home, and knows firsthand that situation. Having said that, her mother and father both remained active in her life, that was not the case with my sonâs gf. She was shipped out to boarding schools at a young age, and came South to be with her father after college. She said that decision did not sit well with her mother. She also told me you couldnât put her mother and father in the same room. LOL
Myself, and my 2 siblings have all been happily married over 30 years, credit our Faith and upbringing. Iâm sure that weighed in on some of the decisions Meghan has made. I know I carry as much influence over my nephews as their fathers, it is not something I take lightly.
My sonâs gf seemed to have a good time the 3 days she was here with us. What makes this hard is the contrast between her and my nephewâs young wife. Meghan could not wait to join the inner circle of the family, while my sonâs gf has this chip on her shoulder. She gives us conflicting reports about her family their closeness etc, but in reality she has not seen her mother for 8 years.
My brother thinks she may be intimidated, and now feels more pressure by the fact Meahgan is converting. I donât know for sure, but her attitude is she âsold outâ to get along, but she is not gonna roll over.
I never had one conversation with Meghan or my nephew on that subject (converting) I only remainded him to comply with the laws of the Church when he came to tell me he was getting married. Her announced conversion has made us all better Catholics, she will be a asset to our parish and Church.
Much of what happens next is up to my son. I spoke to him at length on the phone today, I asked him, " do you still believe what I told you long ago about not compromising on your core of beliefs? Whether it be politics, character, and especially on what you believe as a Catholic?" âYes, I recall those conversations, and you were right. Anytime I did that to get along, I was dissapponted in myself, and Iâm not going to do that here. If I marry her it might be a Baptist wedding, but my children will be Catholic and in the fold.â
âdoes she know that?â
ânot fully, but I have a plan. I want to ease her into this, and let her see how important this is to ME, and not YOU, so let me take care of it. We are still a long way off from setting any dates, 1, because of my new job, and 2, the dust needs to settle on this, but you were correct I needed to take a breath.â
I guess we just wait to see what happens now.
L
lifeisbeautiful
Guest
Thatâs great⌠let him think things out, and I see nothing wrong with you prudently giving him advice when needed. I was getting ready to post that I really think you should try to avoid talking to her on the subject and voicing your concerns etc directly to her. If she does end up being your D-I-L this will just add to the chip you suggested she may have on her shoulder. Be warm and welcoming, think about the fact that your son may be marrying her and she may become part of your family. I do agree with your concerns in general, but I think the best way to address them is with your son, and in a tactful way taking into consideration that you donât want to push him away if this is the woman he chooses to marry. Heâs a grown man and has to make decisions for himself, but you have many years of marriage and experience that can be of benefit to him. You are giving him advice to share all this you have learned, not to manipulate and control his actions (he probably knows that, but she may not). Your son raised a great point, if he wants this to work out she has to see that this is what he wants, not what you want, and that if she is going to marry him things have to be that way, not because you said so but because that is part of him, the man she will become one with. I also thought of something else you might want to bring up with him. Is she aware of what the Church teaches on family planning, artificial birth control, etc? I know this can cause big headaches later on if she is not on board (especially since if they do decide they need to use NFP a lot of the work is on the womanâs shoulder). Anyways, I know many, many Protestants donât hold the same beliefs as Catholics in that area and it is a very important part of marriage. Raising their kids in the Church is a biggie too, since not only will it affect their receiving the sacraments etc, it will also affect their moral values, since the Catholic Church does not share the same views as other churches in several different areas too and these can affect the childrenâs upbringing.
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whatevergirl
Guest
Hi Bamaâglad that things seem to be improving. I think things will have a way of working themselves out. Perhaps your son sees something in this young lady, and wants to give her a chance. Per your comment about her having a chip on her shoulderâŚI wonder if that might be due to the fact that she is not all that close with her family, and she has some internal envy/jealousy with seeing how close your son is with you and his familyâŚthat could very well be. I would keep an eye on that, actually, because sometimes, when there are family differences like thatâsome women/men have problems assimiliating into a true family environment, and will pull your son away from the family unit, if not careful. But, thatâs my hunchâthat she just needs to see that thereâs nothing to be jealous of, and that your family will love her if she puts down her guard. It could just be that she has her guard up because she herself, doesnât have this family unit.
Just wanted to throw that out there to think about because it sounds like thatâs why she has a âchipâ on her shoulder. Thing is, she canât look to your son to remove itâŚ
Kudos to you and your wife for raising a nice sonâIâm raising a son too, and it can be challenging in todayâs world. (raising girls and boys in general) I wish you luckâGod bless & happy new year!
Just wanted to throw that out there to think about because it sounds like thatâs why she has a âchipâ on her shoulder. Thing is, she canât look to your son to remove itâŚ
Kudos to you and your wife for raising a nice sonâIâm raising a son too, and it can be challenging in todayâs world. (raising girls and boys in general) I wish you luckâGod bless & happy new year!
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TIME
Guest
Bama, Whatevergirl has some good insight here. To add some other thoughts, it would be great if HE joined CAF. Because he could ask so many questions and learn so much about our Faith, from why the Sacraments are such a huge gift from God to the Catholic Church, to why Natural Family Planning is part of Godâs natural law. This would allow him to explain things and why, the Catholic Church has the truth for everything it teaches.
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BamaRider
Guest
I agree, Whatevergirl has made some good points.
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mesquite_magic
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Guitar
Guest
This struck a chord with me. My family is not close. My parents lived solely for their kids and loved each other, Dad gave us a wonderful Catholic upbringing, we all muck in and help each other out when itâs needed and all that sort of thing ⌠but then we go our separate ways, and in my case - fast. I fled the family home at the end of my schooling and never looked back.
I have flashes of the screaming heebies-jeebies when I land in the middle of a close family, even just for a church social or in helping plan a funeral. Most of my personal boundaries were so thoroughly overstepped when I was at home that the thought of being that close to family or spending that much time with them just about asphyxiates me and makes me feel like Iâm picking people out of my teeth - even though they arenât my family members! I know close families want to be together and enjoy each otherâs company ⌠but to me itâs a foreign concept. Had my husband had a close family (he doesnât) Iâd have been, and looked, pretty uncomfortable, not because of anything personal but because itâs hard not to feel smothered when your own experience of family is that it is something to be escaped from.
Maybe your Daughter-In-Law Elect feels something like this, and the discomfort she canât hide looks like a chip on the shoulder? (Itâs a very easy term to pin on a range of reactions.)
She might not pull her future husband away from his family ⌠I wouldnât have, Iâd have had no right to or desire to. But my own boundary would be made clear - Iâd have let him go visit without me two times out of three till I got used to it. If pressured for 100% compliance, Iâd have jacked up totally, but a loving family would understand and let someone like me acclimatise at my own pace. Like WG said, prove to me that I didnât need to be on guard, When your DIL E has her own children, however, itâll be a little more complicated and that would concern me more - itâs one thing to let your husband visit on his own but another to explain to your children why Mum avoids family occasions.
I will also admit that as I read your description of what you said to the DIL E, I had a flashback to my motherâs inability to see that we were individuals, not extensions of her that she could not envisage having any existence outside âthis familyâ. Thatâs not to say that familes shouldnât have standards or stick together and all those good sorts of things you mention ⌠but if my future FIL had spoken to me the way you said you spoke to her (of course you may have worded it more gently in person than you typed it here) then Iâd have had a few choice words to say firstly to the FFIL and then a serious little talk to BF making clear to him the level of future involvement I would and would not tolerate from in-laws in our marriage. Without knowing you, it would have raised worrying flags in my mind in the same way that what she has said raises flags in yours. Iâm not saying you shouldnât have the concerns that you do, just thinking there might be a two-way street going on here and that she may think she has grounds to be as wary of you as you are about her.
Again, Iâm not saying that your concerns or what you said are inappropriate. Iâm just saying that if sheâs from a background like mine (hers sounds waaay worse, in fact) and she doesnât know you as a person that well ⌠is uncomfortable with family as a concept ⌠gets what she may see as a dressing down from that family about things she isnât responsible for and hasnât actually done and in fact may not even be likely to do (she is herself, not her mother, and she may find the inference that sheâll be just like her mother provoking and a denial of her as an individual) ⌠maybe itâs understandable she isnât at ease. Maybe she does have chip on her shoulder ⌠but maybe she doesnât and that interpretation of her perceived âattitudeâ is feeding a vicious circle.
Sorry for the long post, itâs a bit hard to express neatly and tidily.
(And yes, I freely admit I have lots of âissuesâ. )
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whatevergirl
Guest
Yesâsomeoneâs background/family/childhood doesnât guarantee that he/she will react in the above postâŚbut I have seen it happenâŚand it can happenâdoesnât mean it will. It is very common for people who do not fully understand anotherâs closeness, to withhold their own closeness, because they just never had it, and itâs a bit foreign to them. I take my own experience with my inlaws. My parents died when I was very young, and my sister and her husband raised me. (she is 13 yrs my senior) My sister, probably not wanting to show grief over my parentsâ deaths, acted like everything was a-ok, and I grew up in a household where little emotion was shown. Fast forward to 17 years ago, when I met my husbandâs family, and it was overwhelming. He is one of nine kidsâŚeveryone pretty much gets alongâŚthereâs no judgement, and it just seems like everyone cares about the other. Now, fast forward to just a few years ago, and my sister came to grips with her pastâand she and I have a great and close relationship. I remember however, feeling out of sortsâŚnot necessarily a chip on my shoulder, but intimidated by the closeness of my husbandâs large family. (I grew up with a lot of relatives around me, aunts and uncles, but once my dad passed, my sister cut them out of our lives for some reason)
Now, I never stopped my husband from seeing his familyâŚif anything, I loveed the closenessâŚit was something I missed growing up, after my parentsâ deaths. But, why I mention that in that above post, is that most likely Bamaâs sonâs gf (letâs not call her the daughter in law electâthey are far from that right now
) is feeling a bit intimidated. Remember, fear creates all kinds of behaviors in us allâŚand she is exhibiting her fears through a chip on her shoulder. Just a hunch. I hope that her fear of the situationâand perhaps not being Catholicâwill pass, so she can see the closeness of Bamaâs family. It is quite normal for you to react to her, too, BamaâŚbecause you see her as being a potential threat to your family as well. You both have more in common than you think.
You both see each other as potential threats to oneâs another comfort zone. And you know what? Thatâs ok. (for now) So, once you let your guard down with her, and she does with youâthings will be oh so much better for everyone involvedâŚat least THIS IS MY GREAT HOPE. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless for being a concerned dad. Nothing wrong with that.:hug1:
Now, I never stopped my husband from seeing his familyâŚif anything, I loveed the closenessâŚit was something I missed growing up, after my parentsâ deaths. But, why I mention that in that above post, is that most likely Bamaâs sonâs gf (letâs not call her the daughter in law electâthey are far from that right now
) is feeling a bit intimidated. Remember, fear creates all kinds of behaviors in us allâŚand she is exhibiting her fears through a chip on her shoulder. Just a hunch. I hope that her fear of the situationâand perhaps not being Catholicâwill pass, so she can see the closeness of Bamaâs family. It is quite normal for you to react to her, too, BamaâŚbecause you see her as being a potential threat to your family as well. You both have more in common than you think. You both see each other as potential threats to oneâs another comfort zone. And you know what? Thatâs ok. (for now) So, once you let your guard down with her, and she does with youâthings will be oh so much better for everyone involvedâŚat least THIS IS MY GREAT HOPE. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless for being a concerned dad. Nothing wrong with that.:hug1:
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twosweetgirls
Guest
Not to diverge from the topic, but I just have to say: Whatevergirl? You are amazing. Your gentle, logical and spot-on reasoning are a conviction to my oftentimes emotionality. Thank you. 
(otay, carry on. . .
)
(otay, carry on. . .
)
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whatevergirl
Guest
Oh, this made my dayâthank you.Not to diverge from the topic, but I just have to say: Whatevergirl? You are amazing. Your gentle, logical and spot-on reasoning are a conviction to my oftentimes emotionality. Thank you.
(otay, carry on. . .
I think from growing up the way I didâall the drama wasnât in vain.
I appreciate your kind wordsâŚI think that above allâwe are all struggling with somethingâŚand we all just want to be loved. (Doesnât mean this is the right girl for the OPâs son, butâŚI think there is a lot going on internally with her, for why she might be appearing with a chip on her shoulder.)
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EeyoresButerfly
Guest
You find yourself in a tough position, but I would like to bring perhaps a slightly different perspective to the situation. I am convert to Catholicism from Baptism and I am currently dating a man who identifies as Lutheran. Before joining this forum I never realized just how big an issue it was for a Catholic person to consider marrying a non-Catholic person. Since your family is very close in your religion, it is only natural that you want your son and his future wife and children to share your faith.
It sounds like despite the tone of your first post, which did come across as judgmental and controlling, you have accepted the role that this woman plays in your sonsâs life and have made strides to include her. You should be thankful that she is willing to attend Mass with your son. The fact that she goes to Mass and is willing to enter into a relationship with your son hints that she has not heard that much anti-catholic rhetoric, or does not believe it. Despite what most Catholics believe about Baptists, many Baptists are not staunchly anti-Catholic. When I was Baptist I didnât think that Catholics were bad, I just didnât agree with everything they believed, and most of the time I never even thought about it.
Despite all of her problems, she sounds like a good Christian woman who obviously cares a lot for your son. If she is attending mass with you, I would not be surprised if she converts one day. You have spoken your piece, now you need to let your son make his own decision, and it sounds like that is what you are doing. The hardest job for any parent is letting go and letting their children make decisions, even if you donât agree with those decisions. Good luck to you and your family.
It sounds like despite the tone of your first post, which did come across as judgmental and controlling, you have accepted the role that this woman plays in your sonsâs life and have made strides to include her. You should be thankful that she is willing to attend Mass with your son. The fact that she goes to Mass and is willing to enter into a relationship with your son hints that she has not heard that much anti-catholic rhetoric, or does not believe it. Despite what most Catholics believe about Baptists, many Baptists are not staunchly anti-Catholic. When I was Baptist I didnât think that Catholics were bad, I just didnât agree with everything they believed, and most of the time I never even thought about it.
Despite all of her problems, she sounds like a good Christian woman who obviously cares a lot for your son. If she is attending mass with you, I would not be surprised if she converts one day. You have spoken your piece, now you need to let your son make his own decision, and it sounds like that is what you are doing. The hardest job for any parent is letting go and letting their children make decisions, even if you donât agree with those decisions. Good luck to you and your family.
B
BamaRider
Guest
Our initial conversation was not the best. My son showed up at the house one afternoon, and said they wanted to get married. We were blindsided. I just figured she was the âflavor of the monthâ when we first met her. We learned over the years not to get too close to the girls he dates.
My son and I did not speak for 2 weeks after the first âWe wanna get marriedâ talk. It was sad, to say the least, he was mad with me. He use to call me whenever he was between meetings, or sent a text. And he just stopped.
I guess we just had a cooling off period, and 3 weeks later he came over for supper, and told us he was offered a job, same line of work, but another company, but he was going to have to move 3 hours away. I told him to take the job, it was a good career move, and not to worry about his mother and I. We would be fine, we have our nephews, and other family close by. But not to worry, we would talk everyday and see him often.
My niece in law has told me my nephew sometimes reverts to his âonly child syndrome,â when they fuss, and the best way to handle it, is to call him out on it. Perhaps my son did that?
Subsequent conversations moved us along. When I told him, that it âwasnât gonna flyâ I meant not only with me, but the Church. She has rules and guidelines, âI expect them to be followed.â
My nephewâs wife, asked if I wanted her to talk to her. I said no, âbut if SHE calls ya about this, and asks how you arrived at YOUR decision to convert, tell her anything she wants to know. But let HER call you.â
This is a 2 headed problem. It is not only the conflict of Faiths, but her background that has caused us concern. To say children of broken families do not struggle with such issues is not being honest. Sure many of them overcome them, and children with my sonâs background, will sometimes fall into divorce. But I think for the latter it is a much rarer occurence, Iâm sure their are numbers that say that, I just donât have them.
My nephewâs wife, with a similar background (but not as extreme, because her mother and father both remained active in her life after the divorce) has flourished in our family, and loves being in the inner circle of life with us. She has told me she feels 5 years old again, and cannot wait for her First Communion. When my nephew is on duty, she either with us, or my brotherâs (her father in law) we are very protective of her.
I donât know if this girl my son is with can ever get there, and I fear she will tell my son the closenes he has with his cousins, aunt and uncle are not good, never mind what she thinks of his relationship with us. This is not about control, my son left home when he was 18, and never looked back. As some has said, she could be intimidated by the whole situation, but I hope she is NOT telling my son, he doesnât need his family.
She seemed ok during the Christmas Holidays. She was here 4 days. Iâd be remiss in saying this girl is not anything like we thought our son would pick out. I just donât see what he does in her, but we donât talk about that. Not my place. I wish it was otherwise, but if this is who we get, we will accept her with no conditions.
I feel better because my son reassured me, the children would be Catholic, and even though he might marry in a Baptist Church, the paperwork would be in order. That is the path my nephew took and lo and behold 3 months after getting married they came to us with the news she wants to convert. Surely Godâs plan for that situation.
The fact no girls were born in our family probably a reason why the young ladies my son and 2 nephews date feel pressure. Meaghan told me she felt it at first. I also fear if this girl comes into the family she may cause a rivalry with my niece in law (we call her that for want of a better term LOL) Coming from a family where you fought and scrapped to get what was yours, she may feel a need to take her down a notch. She strikes me as a girl capable of that. My niece in law would be no match for her.
My son and I did not speak for 2 weeks after the first âWe wanna get marriedâ talk. It was sad, to say the least, he was mad with me. He use to call me whenever he was between meetings, or sent a text. And he just stopped.
I guess we just had a cooling off period, and 3 weeks later he came over for supper, and told us he was offered a job, same line of work, but another company, but he was going to have to move 3 hours away. I told him to take the job, it was a good career move, and not to worry about his mother and I. We would be fine, we have our nephews, and other family close by. But not to worry, we would talk everyday and see him often.
My niece in law has told me my nephew sometimes reverts to his âonly child syndrome,â when they fuss, and the best way to handle it, is to call him out on it. Perhaps my son did that?
Subsequent conversations moved us along. When I told him, that it âwasnât gonna flyâ I meant not only with me, but the Church. She has rules and guidelines, âI expect them to be followed.â
My nephewâs wife, asked if I wanted her to talk to her. I said no, âbut if SHE calls ya about this, and asks how you arrived at YOUR decision to convert, tell her anything she wants to know. But let HER call you.â
This is a 2 headed problem. It is not only the conflict of Faiths, but her background that has caused us concern. To say children of broken families do not struggle with such issues is not being honest. Sure many of them overcome them, and children with my sonâs background, will sometimes fall into divorce. But I think for the latter it is a much rarer occurence, Iâm sure their are numbers that say that, I just donât have them.
My nephewâs wife, with a similar background (but not as extreme, because her mother and father both remained active in her life after the divorce) has flourished in our family, and loves being in the inner circle of life with us. She has told me she feels 5 years old again, and cannot wait for her First Communion. When my nephew is on duty, she either with us, or my brotherâs (her father in law) we are very protective of her.
I donât know if this girl my son is with can ever get there, and I fear she will tell my son the closenes he has with his cousins, aunt and uncle are not good, never mind what she thinks of his relationship with us. This is not about control, my son left home when he was 18, and never looked back. As some has said, she could be intimidated by the whole situation, but I hope she is NOT telling my son, he doesnât need his family.
She seemed ok during the Christmas Holidays. She was here 4 days. Iâd be remiss in saying this girl is not anything like we thought our son would pick out. I just donât see what he does in her, but we donât talk about that. Not my place. I wish it was otherwise, but if this is who we get, we will accept her with no conditions.
I feel better because my son reassured me, the children would be Catholic, and even though he might marry in a Baptist Church, the paperwork would be in order. That is the path my nephew took and lo and behold 3 months after getting married they came to us with the news she wants to convert. Surely Godâs plan for that situation.
The fact no girls were born in our family probably a reason why the young ladies my son and 2 nephews date feel pressure. Meaghan told me she felt it at first. I also fear if this girl comes into the family she may cause a rivalry with my niece in law (we call her that for want of a better term LOL) Coming from a family where you fought and scrapped to get what was yours, she may feel a need to take her down a notch. She strikes me as a girl capable of that. My niece in law would be no match for her.
B
BamaRider
Guest
conti-
My wife told me AND my brother, at our weekly Mexican supper (after the Saturday evening Vigil Mass) it would be up to US prevent that from happening by making sure she gets the same amount of love and attention as Meahgan (nephewâs wife).
My sister (lives 2 hours away, canât make the weekly Mexican ritual, which says makes her wanna move) has told me she instructed my nephew to tell Meaghan not to expect to be the only girl in the family forever LOL. I think she was right in pointing out she enjoys that status.
My son will be in town next weekend for the playoffs. He said we werenât gonna talk about this again till the Super Bowl was over.
I appreciate yâalls advice and prayers about this.
My wife told me AND my brother, at our weekly Mexican supper (after the Saturday evening Vigil Mass) it would be up to US prevent that from happening by making sure she gets the same amount of love and attention as Meahgan (nephewâs wife).
My sister (lives 2 hours away, canât make the weekly Mexican ritual, which says makes her wanna move) has told me she instructed my nephew to tell Meaghan not to expect to be the only girl in the family forever LOL. I think she was right in pointing out she enjoys that status.
My son will be in town next weekend for the playoffs. He said we werenât gonna talk about this again till the Super Bowl was over.
I appreciate yâalls advice and prayers about this.
B
BamaRider
Guest
That last sentence is so true. A son learns that role from his father, by what he teaches him,and by example. When my father died 20 years ago, I assumed the role as the Patriarch for the extended family.
G
Guitar
Guest
By saying that this girl is herself and not her mother, I donât mean to suggest that they donât struggle with these issues, They do. But maybe not in the way those of us from stable homes might expect.
My motherâs parents divorced acrimoniously amidst physical, financial and verbal abuse when she was about five and her little sister about three. My grandmother âmarriedâ twice after that, gave my aunt away to acquaintances for informal adoption where there was no need to, farmed my mother out here and there to any relative who would have her, then refused to let her well-off sister who loved Mum dearly to adopt her, just out of spite. Oh, she was quite happy to take Mum back when Mum was finally just old enough to be dragged out of school by special permission and put to work in behind the counter in the cake shop (and by the way she was extraordinarily pretty which is always good for business, Iâm sure that wasnât lost on my grandmother). My grandfather also married again.
I asked my mother (a non-Catholic until just before her death) once what she was thinking at her wedding and she said the one thought in her mind was that come heaven, hell, high water or judgement day, she would die before she would let her children experience an unstable home. And she meant it.
My motherâs struggle was not that divorce was an acceptable option in the back of her mind because of her background - it was just not on - but that she had no role models for making a marriage work. She compensated for that by choosing my father, though, so it all worked out in the end.
I hope and pray it works out for you all.
N
Norseman82
Guest
First, welcome. I saw your webpage, and you should check out the âCatholic Motorcycle Ridersâ thread.
Second, to the heart of the matter. The first item is to estasblish a frame of reference, and for that I will use CCC 2230:
From what you have described, you have some valid concerns - and one issue that you did not post about that you should be concerned about is that of what they think of artificial birth control (aka ABC) - but I think your methods need to be refined in a few places:
Have you met anyone else in her family yet, like her father or sisters?
However, if she is attending Mass with him, she probably is not as anti-Catholic as you fear and, in fact, this could be the stirrings of conversion, in which case the best prayer to utter is âLord, please do not let me say something that could mess this upâ.
And at the end of the day, things may pass such that your son may come to realize that a marriage with her will not work out, but he needs to work that out within himself, and not âordered toâ realize it from outside.
Second, to the heart of the matter. The first item is to estasblish a frame of reference, and for that I will use CCC 2230:
(bolded emphasis mine)
From what you have described, you have some valid concerns - and one issue that you did not post about that you should be concerned about is that of what they think of artificial birth control (aka ABC) - but I think your methods need to be refined in a few places:
This is the first thing that struck me. Yes, she probably has, but have you actually talked to her to see where she may misunderstand about the Catholic faith? Perhaps if you talked to her on an issue by issue basis, these issues may be resolved, and she might be shocked that Catholics actually know their Bible. What does she think about divorce and ABC or in vitro fertilizaton? How are you and your son at apologetics? Or, since your wife is also a convert, maybe she might be the one to discuss with her over âgirl talkâ.
I agree with your son - why is that a bad thing? If there are other red flags, concentrate on resolving the red flags. I know you see the parentsâ divorce as a red flag, but sad to say, these days there is a good chance that you will be dealing with it even if your son were interested in a Catholic girl.
Have you met anyone else in her family yet, like her father or sisters?
Well, you do appear to be coming on strong and overbearing, especially since you are in the position of
On a humorous note, this reminds me of the commercial in which the girl is going over the various family members with her boyfriend before meeting them, and her father, a retired police officer, pats him down and and pushes his head down like he was putting him in the squad car.
However, if she is attending Mass with him, she probably is not as anti-Catholic as you fear and, in fact, this could be the stirrings of conversion, in which case the best prayer to utter is âLord, please do not let me say something that could mess this upâ.
This might be a case of problems solving themselves, since it appears that your son is heeding your concerns. And some of this back-and-forth might be normal, since from what you said this appears to be his first serious girlfriend.
Sometimes we answer our own questions.
And at the end of the day, things may pass such that your son may come to realize that a marriage with her will not work out, but he needs to work that out within himself, and not âordered toâ realize it from outside.
J
Julianna
Guest
My parents were married in the Catholic Church in 1956. My mother is Baptist. My father is first generation Italian Catholic and the oldest son. My mother is from a tiny town in the south and my grandmother was very Baptist. My parents would have been married 50 yrs Sept 2006. My dad passed away the previous May.
My mother signed a piece of paper stating that she would raise any children from the marriage Catholic. She did and we were. It was my Baptist mother who went to the priest and the sisters to ask questions about our sacraments and what she could do to help us. She made mine and my sisters communion dresses. They were very âplainâ. I was so upset because all the other girls wore big poufy dresses and big bows and their hair was all done up with ringlets and they had tiaras with their veil. My mother said that itâs your first communion not a fashion show. Hence the plain dresses and plain veil. Some of the girls (age 8) also wore make-up. My mother thought it was ridiculas and we werenât allowed. She attended mass with the family on holidays and some holy days. She attended the Baptist church as well. My siblings and I also attended the Baptist church, but it was my mother who told us that we were not allowed to participate in the Baptist communion and told us why. She did this because she loved my father more and knew that it was important to him that we were raised Catholic. Going to her church we learned about her faith and why the Baptist worshiped as they did. I learned alot about scripture from my Baptist grandmother.
My mother is now 79 and she never converted, but she said she learned alot about the Catholic faith and never regretted making sure we received our sacraments and attended catechism class.
You donât know what this young woman will do. My mother was as welcome as the plague in my fathers family. After my Baptist grandmother got to know my dadâŚshe loved him like a son. She was scared to death for my mother to marry a Catholic and a northerner no less. Italian, too! egads!
Life is too short Bama. My mother loved my father, she quietly showed that love by giving her children both sides of the picture.
My mother signed a piece of paper stating that she would raise any children from the marriage Catholic. She did and we were. It was my Baptist mother who went to the priest and the sisters to ask questions about our sacraments and what she could do to help us. She made mine and my sisters communion dresses. They were very âplainâ. I was so upset because all the other girls wore big poufy dresses and big bows and their hair was all done up with ringlets and they had tiaras with their veil. My mother said that itâs your first communion not a fashion show. Hence the plain dresses and plain veil. Some of the girls (age 8) also wore make-up. My mother thought it was ridiculas and we werenât allowed. She attended mass with the family on holidays and some holy days. She attended the Baptist church as well. My siblings and I also attended the Baptist church, but it was my mother who told us that we were not allowed to participate in the Baptist communion and told us why. She did this because she loved my father more and knew that it was important to him that we were raised Catholic. Going to her church we learned about her faith and why the Baptist worshiped as they did. I learned alot about scripture from my Baptist grandmother.
My mother is now 79 and she never converted, but she said she learned alot about the Catholic faith and never regretted making sure we received our sacraments and attended catechism class.
You donât know what this young woman will do. My mother was as welcome as the plague in my fathers family. After my Baptist grandmother got to know my dadâŚshe loved him like a son. She was scared to death for my mother to marry a Catholic and a northerner no less. Italian, too! egads!
Life is too short Bama. My mother loved my father, she quietly showed that love by giving her children both sides of the picture.
G
Guitar
Guest
Similar but different ⌠my mother was raised on anti-Catholic bigotry (especially the usual rot about Catholic husbands and childbearing) and was âpoliticallyâ Protestant though she didnât attend a church of her own. She entered the Church shortly before she died but for years only came with us at Christmas and Easter and for First Communions and the like. Where our story is similar to yours is that she, like your mother, knew our faith was of prime importance to dad and although he was responsible for our religious education, she did everything to support him in the practice of his faith and in raising us Catholic - there was absolute unity between them on that issue. (Oh, and she also fully respected and lived out all dadâs beliefs regarding contraception, a clear indication that she listened to and had faith in Dad in preference to retaining the rubbish she was fed by her bigoted family.)
- Status