Son moving in with girlfriend

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Our 25 year old son announced to my wife and I that he’s moving in with his girlfriend. We were totally shocked by this news as he is a practicing Catholic and knows that this is totally against Church teaching. We’ve talked to him and told him how this is wrong and how disappointed we are. What more can we do other than pray? We don’t want to push him away but we also don’t want to condone his decision.
 
What was his response to you pointing out that this is not moral behavior? And, how does he reconcile being a “practicing Catholic” with this decision?

I think his response is important in answering your question regarding what more you can do.
 
His response is that he no longer agrees with the Church’s teaching regarding common-law relationships, even though he was part of a year long (3 years ago) Catholic mission team that travelled the country doing retreats for kids that taught chastity and abstinence!
 
Well, I don’t know what more you can do than continue to emphasize that he is in a sinful situation and needs to repent and go to confession.

There are a number of books geared to young adults, but it sounds like your son is intent on rationalizing his behavior because he wants to sin with his girlfriend. Rationalizing one’s own choices is a very seductive power.

Contact your diocesan family life office to see what resources they have regarding cohabitation.

And, if he has a personal relationship with any priests, encourage the priest to contact him and talk to him man-to-man.

I would also make it clear that they will not share a bedroom in your house (don’t know if they might plan to visit for holidays or something) nor will you recognize a civil marriage or common-law arrangement.

Encourage them to GET MARRIED.
 
It seems as if this is a circumstance in which an individual denies the Church in order to accomodate personal preferences.

I’d make sure that he understands the weight of this decision – and that, if he believes in God, which it seems he does, he will be the one judged before Him come death. I’d recommend that you also give him John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, if he’s not read it already.

Otherwise: Pray fervently, and sacrifice.
 
Morality aside, I should think that your son would realize how trashy (just picture heavily pregnant brides, couples exchanging vows in front of their children, or people presenting their “spouses” to others as my fiancé for 10 years) and impractical “trial marriages” are!
 
tejnuohpj said:
His response is that he no longer agrees with the Church’s teaching regarding common-law relationships, even though he was part of a year long (3 years ago) Catholic mission team that travelled the country doing retreats for kids that taught chastity and abstinence!
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I am so sorry that you are experiencing this great sadness and disappoinment with your son. While you should continue to welcome both him and his girlfriend into your home as an unmarried couple - thus no cohabiting in your home, you should not visit them at their place since that signals acceptance of their immorality.
 
I think I would question him more about his thoughts toward the young woman. does he truly beleive that he loves this person. If so, then why would he want to put her immortal soul in danger by cohabitating and fornicating with her? If he truly does believe this is love, then it begs the question of what does love really mean or is he just using this woman to gratify his own sexual urges. be blunt about what his real motives and intentions are here. Of course, as a parent there is little you can do besides appealing to his intellect and his faith. But, there is still much to be said here. At least give him something to think about.

Sexual urges have caused many a Catholic to leave the faith, at least temporarily. The good news is that he willl never be able to unlearn what he knows and eventually he will have to deal with the repercussions of his decisions. Ask him about children and what he would do in terms of their religious education. There is a very real possibility that he will become a father living in this arrangement.

Then pray for him and for the young lady.
 
tejnuohpj said:
His response is that he no longer agrees with the Church’s teaching regarding common-law relationships, even though he was part of a year long (3 years ago) Catholic mission team that travelled the country doing retreats for kids that taught chastity and abstinence!
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Why does he not just get married? If he belives this relationship will last long enough to become a common-law marriage, why not start right? Have you also spoken to him about how disrespectful this is to his girlfriend? To expect her to live with him as his wife, without the protections of a real wife?

Ask him to speak to his favorite priest. You speak to your priest. Contact his girlfriend’s parents and ask them to speak to their priest!
 
Mrs_Sally said:
Why does he not just get married? If he belives this relationship will last long enough to become a common-law marriage, why not start right? Have you also spoken to him about how disrespectful this is to his girlfriend? To expect her to live with him as his wife, without the protections of a real wife?

Ask him to speak to his favorite priest. You speak to your priest. Contact his girlfriend’s parents and ask them to speak to their priest!
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We have already strongly encouraged him to get married but with reservations as she is not Catholic.(but has attended Mass with him while they were going out) Her parents (we don’t know them) are ok with the shacking up. I’m hoping that we can arrange for our priest whom he knows well to talk to him.

Thanks
 
tejnuohpj said:
We have already strongly encouraged him to get married but with reservations as she is not Catholic.(but has attended Mass with him while they were going out) Her parents (we don’t know them) are ok with the shacking up. I’m hoping that we can arrange for our priest whom he knows well to talk to him.

Thanks
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It is better for him to marry a non-Catholic than for he to make her his concubine! As well as having your son talk to a priest he knows or another committed Catholic whom he might listen to, I would also suggest that you meet the young lady’s parents. And praying the Rosary everyday for them (and if possible, getting your son to participate) would also be a good idea.
 
Young_Thinker said:
Morality aside, I should think that your son would realize how trashy (just picture heavily pregnant brides, couples exchanging vows in front of their children, or people presenting their “spouses” to others as my fiancé for 10 years) and impractical “trial marriages” are!
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Hey now… we exchanged vows in front of our daughter! We didn’t make the best choices, but I don’t consider us trashy.
 
Remind him that he is placing his girlfriend in a case where they may both fall into sin - it puts both of their souls in danger. If he no longer believes that premarital sex is sinful, I’m not sure that there is a great way to approach the situation.

Finally remind him of the statistics (which I’m sure he knows well based on his previous occupation). People who live together before marriage are likely to fail in staying together.

It is good that you understand alienation will not help. That being said, remain strong in your objection to their living situation (e.g. if they come to visit you, it should be clear that they will be staying in separate rooms).
 
Here are my thoughts. Your son is an adult capable of making his own decisions. That being said, you express your thoughts and feelings, then just pray for him. Although you are his parents, he is an adult out on his own and he can do what he wants. (Not without the consequences surrounding it of course.) Do not treat him like a child and “punish” him or keep on bringing it up (if anything that will either just annoy, anger, or alienate him.) Trust me, he probably knows what he is doing is wrong, but has chosen to do it anyway for whatever reason.
 
Having done what he is about to do, I wish I could educate him on the issue at hand. The statistics and numbers even show that it is a bad idea.

I will pray for you and your son as I know you are in a tough spot. Sometimes, as horrible as it can be, you just have to let things burn to the ground before you can rebuild. That was my situation at least.

God bless,
Joshua
 
Dr Laura has some great points about shacking ip in her 10 stupid things books. Go at both of them from all angles - practical, statistical, catholic etc.
 
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