Son moving in with girlfriend

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KCT said:
Pray, sacrifice and ask the intercession of St. Monica.
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KCT has given you good advice. I’ve been their myself with my own children…it does no good to keep bringing it up to them. They are adults. You make it clear…kindly, lovingly, but clearly right at the beginning what your feelings and beliefs are, and tell your son you will be praying for his change of heart and lifestyle every day. Then don’t keep bringing it up to him…just pray, pray, pray. Our son came around eventually, got married, his wife was brought into the church, and all four of their children are practicing Catholics and altar servers. God can change hearts!
 
Parenting an adult child is much different than when they are younger. With adults who are still learning (aren’t we all?), it is best to lecture less and ask more questions. Make him think instead of justify his position.

~ First - and this is important - DO NOT give the young lady any reason to criticize you or the Catholic religion to him. Be nice and polite to her at all times. As a matter of fact, I’d elevate her and show your son how a woman should be treated, especially if she is going to end up being your daughter-in-law.

~ Be the perfect example of loving Catholics. You should be demonstrating by your actions why they young lady might want to study the Catholic religion and why your son might want to return to the Church.

~ Don’t bring up the topic of marriage or children but, if asked, respond that of course you hope your son would be committed enough to the relationship to get married to the young woman and isn’t “just using her”.

~ Ask in all innocence, “How does that work?” You know how life is arranged when a couple is married; how is living together different? Do they split the bills? Do they split the bills evenly or based on percentage of income? Do they make special provisions in case one of the other is sick in the hospital? After all, if she was seriously ill, the doctors rarely go by what the “live-in boyfriend” wants to happen. Would her parents be making the decisions? Just whatever they do, be mystified by how living together is different than being married and ask them to educate you on the difference. What are the benefits of living together?

~ I agree with not condoning their behavior by going over to their place. Don’t come right out and say it, but make an excuse for why you’re not going there. Again, be polite and not critical. Treat her like your son’s fiancee. She’ll get separate invitations and greeting cards. Of course you’ll include her, but don’t treat them like a married couple either.

Now there is hope. My husband and I, for practical and financial reason lived together before marriage. We did end up getting married and have been married more than 25 years now. It does work out sometimes. I wouldn’t do it again, but it isn’t always a disaster either.
 
Young_Thinker said:
Morality aside, I should think that your son would realize how trashy (just picture heavily pregnant brides, couples exchanging vows in front of their children, or people presenting their “spouses” to others as my fiancé for 10 years) and impractical “trial marriages” are!
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I don’t really like your choice of word, but in complete honesty, these things are no longer seen as “trashy” by our society at all. Seriously. In fact, the pregnant bride and having your own kids at your wedding is seen as more of a “cute, sweet” thing.
 
I recommend you don’t pressure it, but make your position clear from the beginning. Also, you may share every once in a few months a book that talks against it, or even a friendly email about why not to do this. Also, it could be why it offends God. DO NOT OVERDO IT. Maybe a “reminder” every 2-3 months, not daily or weekly. Don’t push him away.
 
My adivice is to pray, meditate, sacrifice, and have him speak to a priest with whom you and your spouce, and HE have a good standing. He needs to understand that he can’t decice what is right and wrong in the Church (caffeteria style).

On the other side, not all is lost. St. Augustine lived with not one but two girlfriends in his own saintly mother’s house. He soon found the truth.
 
anp1215 said:
I don’t really like your choice of word, but in complete honesty, these things are no longer seen as “trashy” by our society at all. Seriously. In fact, the pregnant bride and having your own kids at your wedding is seen as more of a “cute, sweet” thing.
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Eh. There is no accounting for people’s tastes.
 
anp1215 said:
I don’t really like your choice of word, but in complete honesty, these things are no longer seen as “trashy” by our society at all. Seriously. In fact, the pregnant bride and having your own kids at your wedding is seen as more of a “cute, sweet” thing.
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We didn’t see it that way at all, quit the assumptions! You think it wasn’t really embarrassing to tell my big Catholic family that I was pregnant and unmarried, and that my wedding day was somewhat bittersweet with this in the back of my brain? She was 1 year old. We were NOT going to rush into marriage while I was pregnant.
 
themeginthemoon said:
We didn’t see it that way at all, quit the assumptions! You think it wasn’t really embarrassing to tell my big Catholic family that I was pregnant and unmarried, and that my wedding day was somewhat bittersweet with this in the back of my brain? She was 1 year old. We were NOT going to rush into marriage while I was pregnant.
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I feel you. I just got married a couple of months ago and my baby is due very soon. We didn’t get married because of the baby, by the way, but we were planning on this coming May.

Be very charitable, especially to the girlfriend. You draw more flies with honey. You don’t have to condone the behavior to help lead her to a better life. And I really don’t think they should just married. I really don’t understand why he’s just living with her because she’s not Catholic. Weird. 🤷
 
themeginthemoon said:
We didn’t see it that way at all, quit the assumptions! You think it wasn’t really embarrassing to tell my big Catholic family that I was pregnant and unmarried, and that my wedding day was somewhat bittersweet with this in the back of my brain? She was 1 year old. We were NOT going to rush into marriage while I was pregnant.
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What are you talking about? I’m not making assumptions, a LOT of people do see it that way. I am the only person in my family that has not been pregnant out of wedlock. I have been asked since I was 17 when I was going to make my mom a grandmother. Every one of my coworkers that has children had them out of wedlock except for me. Just the other day, I heard a pregnant coworker telling another coworker how she had tried to have a baby with her ex-boyfriend for a year, and she was really surprised that she got pregnant so fast after only dating her current boyfriend for a few weeks, and they were still “getting to know each other.” This is truly seen as a normal course of events, not embarrassing. Of course there are those such as yourself that are embarrassed about it, but they are no longer the norm.
 
I was a lapsed Catholic that recently re-discovered my faith with my fiance.

He and I are starting RCIA classes this week and have already made arrangements to have our wedding in the Church after we have received all of our sacraments.

Here is the deal. We have been cohabiting for the better part of two years and I’m pregnant. We have discussed this with our priest and of course…I’m not receiving communion. Do I realize that it was wrong to co-habitate? Of course I do, every single day since I’ve come back to my faith. I pray about it often and have asked my priest for guidance. Our priest has said that while the church does not agree with our arrangement, it would be impractical for me to move out as I would have no where to go and am currently being supported by my Fiance while I’m pregnant and working my way through school.

While we are trying to rectify the situation by practicing celibacy and attending weekly Mass it is difficult to stomach other people telling me my marriage is destined to fail because I did co-habitate and am currently in a situation that would do me more harm then good if I move out before our Marriage, especially since our marriage is happening in about 4 months.

I was exactly the same age as the OP’s son when I moved in with my then boyfriend and now, current fiance. He is the only man I’ve ever co-habitated with. I wasn’t discouraged to move in with him. I was actually encouraged since I was living with my parents at the time and they were selling their house. It was a simple solution to the problem at the time.
 
Kelfa28 said:
I was a lapsed Catholic that recently re-discovered my faith with my fiance.

He and I are starting RCIA classes this week and have already made arrangements to have our wedding in the Church after we have received all of our sacraments.

Here is the deal. We have been cohabiting for the better part of two years and I’m pregnant. We have discussed this with our priest and of course…I’m not receiving communion. Do I realize that it was wrong to co-habitate? Of course I do, every single day since I’ve come back to my faith. I pray about it often and have asked my priest for guidance. Our priest has said that while the church does not agree with our arrangement, it would be impractical for me to move out as I would have no where to go and am currently being supported by my Fiance while I’m pregnant and working my way through school.

While we are trying to rectify the situation by practicing celibacy and attending weekly Mass it is difficult to stomach other people telling me my marriage is destined to fail because I did co-habitate and am currently in a situation that would do me more harm then good if I move out before our Marriage, especially since our marriage is happening in about 4 months.

I was exactly the same age as the OP’s son when I moved in with my then boyfriend and now, current fiance. He is the only man I’ve ever co-habitated with. I wasn’t discouraged to move in with him. I was actually encouraged since I was living with my parents at the time and they were selling their house. It was a simple solution to the problem at the time.
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Your marriage is not destined to fail and don’t listen to those that tell you so. God forgives repentant sinners and will bless your marriage if you let Him take full control of your lives. God bless and congrats.
 
Kelfa,

Do not listen to the judgements of others. They shall be judged in the same way!

Continue your walk with God. You cannot “erase” past sins you have committed, but you can avoid new sins, and grow in strength in God.

I also must say the Lord will forgive your sins. Remember to receive confession if you have not.

Jesus said

[BIBLEDRB]Matthew 21:28-32[/BIBLEDRB]
 
tejnuohpj said:
We have already strongly encouraged him to get married but with reservations as she is not Catholic.(but has attended Mass with him while they were going out) Her parents (we don’t know them) are ok with the shacking up. I’m hoping that we can arrange for our priest whom he knows well to talk to him.

Thanks
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That was my guess, she is not Catholic.

Sad how young people take faith so lightly they toss it off for a pretty faced sweetheart.
 
tejnuohpj said:
Our 25 year old son announced to my wife and I that he’s moving in with his girlfriend. We were totally shocked by this news as he is a practicing Catholic and knows that this is totally against Church teaching. We’ve talked to him and told him how this is wrong and how disappointed we are. What more can we do other than pray? We don’t want to push him away but we also don’t want to condone his decision.
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Nothing.
 
JoArtist said:
Here are my thoughts. Your son is an adult capable of making his own decisions. That being said, you express your thoughts and feelings, then just pray for him. Although you are his parents, he is an adult out on his own and he can do what he wants. (Not without the consequences surrounding it of course.) Do not treat him like a child and “punish” him or keep on bringing it up (if anything that will either just annoy, anger, or alienate him.) Trust me, he probably knows what he is doing is wrong, but has chosen to do it anyway for whatever reason.
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JoArtist,

The voice of reason as usual. 👍
 
anp1215 said:
I don’t really like your choice of word, but in complete honesty, these things are no longer seen as “trashy” by our society at all. Seriously. In fact, the pregnant bride and having your own kids at your wedding is seen as more of a “cute, sweet” thing.
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Well, when I’ve seen this the kids aren’t the couples’, but one or the other’s from a prior shack-up.
 
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