Son's girlfriend

[Rascalking]

I don’t think there is a problem with spending the night. As long as they are in different rooms and you trust them. In fact, I think it could be a good test as to how they act! If you suspect (or God forbid, hear or see) any questionable activity, it would show you the charecter of both of them-and it wouldn’t be a good sign!

 

[dixieagle]

I used to stay at my then-boyfriend’s (now husband’s) home, and he at mine, when we were in college. Separate rooms, of course. And, when our older daughter was dating her now-husband during college, she visited and stayed with his sweet family, as well.

Not only is there nothing wrong with it, but I think it is a little inhospitable, and sends an unpleasant message, it you banish the girl to a hotel (and I absolutely concur with others who point out that it’s far easier for fooling around to take place in a hotel room!)

I think that your husband is being quite unreasonable, and, frankly, wrong, on this one. This is a young lady that your good Catholic son thinks might be his future wife; your son has apparently earned your trust, and they both deserve to be treated with respect and warm hospitality, not suspicion.

 

[jwashu]

Hi,

Newbie here. I am a Catholic married mother of three. My question concerns my oldest son who is 20 years old and a great Catholic young man. He met a girl this summer that he says is his future wife. The problem is distance. She lives several hundred miles away. We have met her once and she seems to be a great young lady. My son wants her to come visit over their Christmas break (they are both in college) and asked if she could stay with us. I am on the fence about this. My husband is adamantly saying no in consideration that this would be an “occasion of sin”. I can see that point but I also want to be hospitable and welcoming to my son’s girlfriend. It is causing major turmoil in my family. I want to be united with my husband but my son senses that I am not in total agreement with him. I’d appreciate any responses or insight any of you may have for me. Thank you, Kimberly

I stayed at my future wife’s, and other former GF’s parent’s house as well when we were dating if they lived out of town. We always had to sleep in separate bedrooms so it wasn’t an issue.

Could they sneak out and “do it” well yea I guess… but why? They are at college away from you guys so if they were going to, they already are and if they don’t want you to know… I’m sure they are smart enough not to risk it in the house with you guys there.

Joe

 

[whatevergirl]

The circumstances were a little different because of the distances involved. However, in both cases I think it would be acceptable as long as separate rooms were involved. Heck, I might even employ the method in the Mel Gibson movie “The Patriot” where the gentleman was sewed into a bag.

Oh my gosh, that made me laugh so hard!

 

[sheilathebard]

The times my now-husband and I stayed under the same roof, with one of our families, I must say we weren’t really tempted at all! Who would be, with Mom and Dad and all the siblings around?

However, there was one time he came to visit our family, and I stayed with a friend while he stayed with my family. That way he got to spend time with my family, but to preserve “the proprieties” (we had one parent who objected to us being in the same house), I would take the car in the evening and drive over to my friend’s house, and stay the night. Came back for breakfast and found my boyfriend shooting the breeze with my family like he’d known them all his life!

That is my suggestion, if your husband really puts his foot down and doesn’t want them staying in the same house. Have your son stay with a friend or in a hotel, while the girlfriend stays with your family. That way you can get to know the girlfriend and make her feel welcome, while still satisfying your husband’s requirement.

 

[estesbob]

This thread should go in the CAF Hall of fame-everyone agrees!!! problem is the only one who doesnt agree is the OP’s husband. i wonder if he would be amenable to reading the comments here?

 

[whatevergirl]

This thread should go in the CAF Hall of fame-everyone agrees!!! problem is the only one who doesnt agree is the OP’s husband. i wonder if he would be amenable to reading the comments here?

haha that is true, bob.
But, his opinion is the one that matters most

 

[Rascalking]

This thread should go in the CAF Hall of fame-everyone agrees!!! problem is the only one who doesnt agree is the OP’s husband. i wonder if he would be amenable to reading the comments here?

Hee hee hee! That was such a sweet comment! God Bless you estesbob…and God Bless the hubby too!

 

[flyingfish]

It will be less of an occasion of sin than them simply spending time together. Think about it, who is going to be tempted to have sex in a house with their Catholic parents where anyone can walk in on you, and the chance of being overheard is pretty high.

They would be more tempted to sin if they were just watching a movie together.

 

[Kindness]

I like Sheilathebard’s compromise. It is so important to welcome this young lady into your family, it would be terrible to start out on such as bad foot with a future daughter-in-law. I think your dear husband needs to appreciate his son is a young man contemplating marriage and treat him as more of an equal with trust and responsibility. Have the son stay at a friends house if he distrusts them so much but give the girlfriend a warm and loving welcome to your home.

 

[hansard]

Just on a more general note:

Is it an occasion of sin if they sleep in the same room, but in separate beds (or one in a bed and one on the floor, or something like that) and do not engage in sexual/improper activity?

Is it an occasion of sin, indeed, if they sleep in the same bed and do not engage in sex or any sexual/improper activity?

 

[Nechasin]

Just on a more general note:

Is it an occasion of sin if they sleep in the same room, but in separate beds (or one in a bed and one on the floor, or something like that) and do not engage in sexual/improper activity?

Is it an occasion of sin, indeed, if they sleep in the same bed and do not engage in sex or any sexual/improper activity?

The term “near occasion of sin” does not refer to the actual commitment of sin, but rather the fact that you are putting yourself in a position to be tempted to sin. So the answers to your questions are yes.

 

[puzzleannie]

in traditional etiquette it is always acceptable for unmarried couples to stay in the same private home if they are chaperoned by older people, especially a married couple, and actually it would seem odder of the young lady did not stay in your home. If it were children of mine involved I would insist she stay with us rather than say, a motel. Under no circumstances would they share a room and the girl’s privacy should be respected–in other words, she should be given one of the family bedrooms and someone else should sleep on the couch in the family room.

also in traditional etiquette (consult Miss Manners) the invitation to stay should come from you, not your son, and be extended through the girl’s mother to the girl.

 

[puzzleannie]

Just on a more general note:

Is it an occasion of sin if they sleep in the same room, but in separate beds (or one in a bed and one on the floor, or something like that) and do not engage in sexual/improper activity?

Is it an occasion of sin, indeed, if they sleep in the same bed and do not engage in sex or any sexual/improper activity?

yes and yes
“near occasion of sin” is the old-fashioned way of saying “you are asking for trouble”

 

[kage_ar]

Yes, I agree. There seems to be different sets of opinions when these threads pop up though…when it’s the bf spending the night, and not a girl. Just something I’ve noticed.

If I recall, that was a drive of an hour that was considered “too far to drive” - which is poppycock. I used to drive over an hour each way to work every day. An hour drive is not a hardship (unless there is bad weather). The boy could drive home.

 

[Mumbles140]

To follow up Hansard’s questions, I would like to ask my own. So, we have identified the ‘occasion of sin’, but is there sin in sharing a bed for a single night with your unmarried significant other? We are obviously not discussing from any sort of sexual activity, but purely in the act of sleeping in the same bed, or on the same couch? And does this change if they simply share the same room for the night (again, full privacy involved in preparing for bed, simply falling asleep in the same room)?

DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER!
Now that I have your attention, I want to make several things clear…
–I am against unmarried couples living together, even in separate bedrooms, even with other roommates, even if they are already engaged. The only exception I can imagine in this would be if, due to financial reasons, they both lived at one of their parents’ houses in separate living areas.
–I do not condone sharing the same bed or room on the regular. By fueling the fire of temptation, it’s that easier to get burned. This is strictly speaking in unusual, unavoidable, HYPOTHETICAL situations
–I don’t intend these arguments to be used in defending/opposing the OP
–I wanted to stress again that we are not talking about any sort of sexual activity, and we are even ignoring the occasion of sin (temptation) for the sake of this question

Sorry that there were a lot of disclaimers, but I wanted to be clear that this was a hypothetical and extremely narrow situation, not a broad matter to be applied to umarried couples

 

[Catholic90]

*I would let the GF stay at the house, separate guest room. *

When DH and I were dating, we lived about an hour away from each other, and there were nights when I would stay overnight if what we were doing got really late (concerts, etc.). In fact, his parents had me stay in my now DH’s bedroom, and he had to bunk in his brother’s room. It never caused any problems, and I got to know my now ILs really well.

My oldest is going to college next year. If and when he brings a GF home, we will most definitely let her stay here in another room - what a great way to get to know her!

 

[whatevergirl]

If I recall, that was a drive of an hour that was considered “too far to drive” - which is poppycock. I used to drive over an hour each way to work every day. An hour drive is not a hardship (unless there is bad weather). The boy could drive home.

*He was turning right around the next morning, at the crack of dawn to go on a trip with the family…and he was staying with the family ON the trip. lol It made no sense why they wanted him to drive home. Just my 2 cents worth. *

 

[kage_ar]

To follow up Hansard’s questions, I would like to ask my own. So, we have identified the ‘occasion of sin’, but is there sin in sharing a bed for a single night with your unmarried significant other? We are obviously not discussing from any sort of sexual activity, but purely in the act of sleeping in the same bed, or on the same couch? And does this change if they simply share the same room for the night (again, full privacy involved in preparing for bed, simply falling asleep in the same room)?

DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER!
Now that I have your attention, I want to make several things clear…
–I am against unmarried couples living together, even in separate bedrooms, even with other roommates, even if they are already engaged. The only exception I can imagine in this would be if, due to financial reasons, they both lived at one of their parents’ houses in separate living areas.
–I do not condone sharing the same bed or room on the regular. By fueling the fire of temptation, it’s that easier to get burned. This is strictly speaking in unusual, unavoidable, HYPOTHETICAL situations
–I don’t intend these arguments to be used in defending/opposing the OP
–I wanted to stress again that we are not talking about any sort of sexual activity, and we are even ignoring the occasion of sin (temptation) for the sake of this question

Sorry that there were a lot of disclaimers, but I wanted to be clear that this was a hypothetical and extremely narrow situation, not a broad matter to be applied to umarried couples

If you and your sweetie are driving across a rugged mountain pass, the car is crushed by a falling tree - and you both get out just in the nick of time. There is a tiny one room cabin, with NO heat and a single bed, only one blanket.

No cell phone service.

The other would get hypothermia if they sleep on the floor.

Then, sure, sleep in the same bed to conserve body heat under that one blanket.

Short of that or a very similar life threatening situation, yes, you are looking at a near occasion of sin and or scandal.

 

[HouseArrest]

*Would our responses be the same if the OP had a daughter, and her bf were coming to stay? Would we expect him to get a hotel room? I ask, because I remember a thread not too long ago, that asked that very question…the gist was that the daughter wanted her bf to spend the night because he had too far to drive home – and the overwhelming responses were, to make him drive home. A few said it would be ok if he spent the night, but many on here suggested he should drive home…OH YEAH…and drive right back in the morning, because they were going on a trip the next day.

Makes ya kinda wonder. I see nothing wrong with either gender spending the night, however. I was not in the overwhelming majority in that last thread. lol *

I remember that thread,and see some differences. The couple in the other thread were in high school, I believe, and he lived an hour away and wanted to stay overnight for a trip in the morning. There wasn’t any reason other than a minor inconvenience to stay the night, and one of the choices isn’t a hotel room.

This couple is in college, the son is considering marriage to her, and she lives really far away. There isn’t any way she can stay at her own house. This family would have a better opportunity to get to know the girl if she stays.

I voted no, drive in the morning for the trip, but I would say here to invite the girl to stay.