Son's girlfriend

[whatevergirl]

I remember that thread,and see some differences. The couple in the other thread were in high school, I believe, and he lived an hour away and wanted to stay overnight for a trip in the morning. There wasn’t any reason other than a minor inconvenience to stay the night, and one of the choices isn’t a hotel room.

This couple is in college, the son is considering marriage to her, and she lives really far away. There isn’t any way she can stay at her own house. This family would have a better opportunity to get to know the girl if she stays.

I voted no, drive in the morning for the trip, but I would say here to invite the girl to stay.

*I don’t remember if they were in high school–good point! I agree in this case, that the girl should stay the night, but I’d vote the same way if this were a young man we were talking about. To the older thread, the boyfriend was coming along on a trip with the family…where was he going to sleep then, I wonder? lol

Suffice to say, if a girl can stay over, so could a young man, given the same set of circumstances. I recall other threads where everyone was not in agreement, like this thread, because the subject wasn’t a girl, it was a young man. Just sayin’.

Anywho–sorry to go off topic a bit, OP! Nevermind these last comments. lol *

 

[Mumbles140]

If you and your sweetie are driving across a rugged mountain pass, the car is crushed by a falling tree - and you both get out just in the nick of time. There is a tiny one room cabin, with NO heat and a single bed, only one blanket.

No cell phone service.

The other would get hypothermia if they sleep on the floor.

Then, sure, sleep in the same bed to conserve body heat under that one blanket.

Short of that or a very similar life threatening situation, yes, you are looking at a near occasion of sin and or scandal.

I understand what you’re saying, Kage, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough with what I was asking. You are talking about the ‘near occasion of sin’ and ‘scandal’, but is it an actual sin to sleep in the same bed with your unmarried significant other? Obviously there is temptation, and it is not recommended, but we are ignoring temptation and "should we/shouldn’t we)–this is purely a yes or not, ‘sin or not a sin’ situation.

Also, I think there are somewhat less-life-threatening situations where this could occur. That’s why I’m curious about the sinfulness–is sleeping in the same bed or the same room (again, **not advised **and **ignoring temptation **for the sake of this argument) automatically a sin? And if not, is it ONLY in dire/life-threatening situations that it avoids sinfulness?

 

[kage_ar]

Intentionally putting yourself in a place where you will be tempted MAY be a sin, if it is or not is really a question for each person to ask their confessor.

 

[Charlotte408]

It doesn’t seem like an obvious occasion of sin, as long as they take separate rooms, and are seen to do so by any younger siblings.

However, if your husband is dead against it, it would probably be better to follow his spiritual leadership of the family, than to have your son use your uncertainty to undermine your husband’s firm conviction.

ditto this post…also, i wouldnt worry so much about having to be hospitable, as sticking to your beliefs. If she is catholic, or if she truly respects your sons faith and family, then she will respect whatever decision you make and not take it personally.

 

[Bailey2]

My husband and I stayed at both our parents’ house on many occasions. We are now married 22 years. I agree with everyone else here. Occasions of sin don’t exist, unless of course you live in a mansion. Besides, I suspect with your husband’s worrying, he will be up all night anyway… you did it when they were babies. His turn.

 

[Charlotte408]

My husband and I stayed at both our parents’ house on many occasions. We are now married 22 years. I agree with everyone else here. Occasions of sin don’t exist, unless of course you live in a mansion. Besides, I suspect with your husband’s worrying, he will be up all night anyway… you did it when they were babies. His turn.

hmmm…idk bout this one…i’d definitely say that ‘occasions of sin’ exist…and, if you really wanna get serious about your faith, even if they are in separate rooms on opposite wings of a mansion, I’m pretty sure that there’s a sin centered around ‘scandal’…

in which, even though YOU and all parties concerned know the logistics of the overnight stay, it just doesnt look right…imma have to look into this to get some kinda quote from catechism or something but I’m pretty sure I’m on point…lol…the ONLY radio station I listen to is catholic answers and boy are they thorough…lol…

 

[nodito]

I’m pretty sure that there’s a sin centered around ‘scandal’…

I don’t think scandal would apply to this situation because most people would assume that if a young girl were visiting her boyfriend’s parents she would be sleeping in a different room. If the boyfriend lived alone and there were no parents in the picture then I think you would’d be correct, even if they also planned on sleeping in separate rooms.

 

[Bluegoat]

hmmm…idk bout this one…i’d definitely say that ‘occasions of sin’ exist…and, if you really wanna get serious about your faith, even if they are in separate rooms on opposite wings of a mansion, I’m pretty sure that there’s a sin centered around ‘scandal’…

in which, even though YOU and all parties concerned know the logistics of the overnight stay, it just doesnt look right…imma have to look into this to get some kinda quote from catechism or something but I’m pretty sure I’m on point…lol…the ONLY radio station I listen to is catholic answers and boy are they thorough…lol…

Are people becoming more puritanical? 50 years, or 100 or 200 years ago this would not have been considered scandalous; it would have been good manners.

FWIW, if I was the young lady in question and I was asked to stay at a hotel for this reason, I might not hold it against the dad, but it would colour my opinion of him for certain.

 

[whatevergirl]

Are people becoming more puritanical? 50 years, or 100 or 200 years ago this would not have been considered scandalous; it would have been good manners.

FWIW, if I was the young lady in question and I was asked to stay at a hotel for this reason, I might not hold it against the dad, but it would colour my opinion of him for certain.

*Why, though? I am not against the girl spending the night, but just generically speaking…you know how many bf’s and gf’s come and go? Many. There’s no ring, no wedding date, no engagement. She could be yesterday’s news in two weeks. If they had something a bit more ‘binding’ than just ‘‘I think this is the one,’’ the father might think differently. Just trying to think of what his reasoning might be. *

 

[chevalier]

It’s not near occasion of sin to remain in the same house for the night. As for chaperones, the people in question are not only adult, but past their 20th year, which is a point where it would be demeaning to an adult person, unless that person actually asked. You may end up needing to accept your husband’s last word on that one, but he’s wrong unless he has good reasons to suspect any of the young people in question of a hot temper.

Note: making sure there will be enough privacy should make it easier in terms of occasion for the eyes. Also, if you have more than one floor, you could use that as an argument. Another idea would be making sure there’s little idle time (“idle hands…”) - however, people aged 20 each simply can’t not be allowed to take a walk in their own company or a conversation in private. Ermm… don’t know if I’m not going too far, but being a man I know that sometimes the mind plays tricks and you need to change the scenery for a while if the tension grows too high. You might want to tell your son that he shouldn’t hesitate to ask you and your husband to stay around or to send him away on an errand or something that will keep distance if it’s needed. He may have to fight a battle once or twice (just like anywhere anyway).

I believe it’s important to act naturally, as in, no conspiring looks, quiet nods, clue words etc. The young lady should feel like a very important guest, which is precisely what she will be if she comes over. Disagreements should be settled and arrangements finalised by then.

As for the off-topic notion, occasion of sin does not work the same way for everyone. Personal limits do matter. I don’t want to say staying in the same room but two different beds is a great idea, but I can’t agree it’s near occasion of sin (even though I would prefer separate rooms).

 

[Lutheranteach]

Love and sex…as Warren Zevon said: “can’t start it like a truck, can’t stop it with a gun.”

 

[ngelsmom]

Thanks for all your responses. Wow! Some great thoughts and comforting words. I think I will let me my husband read this thread. I have deferred to him a lot and I trust his judgment but I am afraid this will cause a hugh rift between the new gf, my son and us, if we don’t allow her to stay with us. My son is very sure this will be his future wife so I am going to try to bend over backwards and forwards to be a good mother-in-law when the time comes. since I have not had the greatest experience with my own MIL. However, peace in my marriage and loyalty to my husband comes first. Thanks again.

 

[Seatuck]

hmmm…idk bout this one…i’d definitely say that ‘occasions of sin’ exist…and, if you really wanna get serious about your faith, even if they are in separate rooms on opposite wings of a mansion, I’m pretty sure that there’s a sin centered around ‘scandal’…

in which, even though YOU and all parties concerned know the logistics of the overnight stay, it just doesnt look right…imma have to look into this to get some kinda quote from catechism or something but I’m pretty sure I’m on point…lol…the ONLY radio station I listen to is catholic answers and boy are they thorough…lol…

There is no scandal because the parents are there and it is expected that they have set down rules in there house about no cohabitation. It is only when we know otherwise that there is a possibility of scandal.

 

[Charlotte408]

There is no scandal because the parents are there and it is expected that they have set down rules in there house about no cohabitation. It is only when we know otherwise that there is a possibility of scandal.

Yeah, but thats what shes saying, right? That her husband ‘set down the rules’ and said no she could not stay and/or cohabitat…and shes thinking why not…and I’m saying, like you said, that if she does otherwise there is a possibity of scandal…?????

 

[purplesunshine]

The GF that my brother had in college before he met his now wife stayed at our house…along with me, my parents, two other brothers, two or three of their friends, a dog and three cats. She stayed in my room. No one thought anything of it.

And my dad wouldn’t let my other bro and his GF cuddle horizontally or even have the door shut to his room when she was over. (they could sit together, say, on the couch).

 

[dixieagle]

Yeah, but thats what shes saying, right? That her husband ‘set down the rules’ and said no she could not stay and/or cohabitat…and shes thinking why not…and I’m saying, like you said, that if she does otherwise there is a possibity of scandal…?????

What most posters are saying is that there is no scandal, as the couple is not sharing a room or a bed. Hosting a child’s boyfriend or girlfriend is simply showing hospitality, and it is nothing new; it is, and has been for quite a long time, accepted etiquette, plain and simple. Nothing shocking, decadent, sinful or scandalous about it.

 

[Seatuck]

What most posters are saying is that there is no scandal, as the couple is not sharing a room or a bed. Hosting a child’s boyfriend or girlfriend is simply showing hospitality, and it is nothing new; it is, and has been for quite a long time, accepted etiquette, plain and simple. Nothing shocking, decadent, sinful or scandalous about it.

Right. This does not come close to cohabitating. There is no scandal.