Soon to be 12 year old daughter

[Mary_Gail_36]

Hello.

I was hoping to get some advice regarding my daughter and her friend.

I don’t really approve of the friendship. I haven’t voiced my opinion to my daughter, I’m trying to be fair. I’m not sure if I actually should say something, or let my daughter figure it out on her own.

The reason I don’t know what to do is when I was young, my mom would nag and nag me if I had a friend she didn’t like. She’d bring up everything negative, all the time. Her approach wouldn’t really work. I’d try to see the good in that person, even if my mom was right about her/him.

So now my DD. It’s been a particularly stressful time (my oldest was hospitalized for 5 months, and I needed to stay with him at the hospital. I was home just 1 night a week it was just a stressful situation overall)

My daughter did have a network of friends, nice young ladies with nice parents that we’d interact with at Church and school events.

This year, DD has this one friend. And I feel this friend is somewhat of a negative influence. For example, she seems to be manipulative. Yesterday, my daughter was upset. Apparently at lunch my daughter spent time talking to another girl. This bothered her “friend”. She told my daughter that she wasn’t speaking to her, and she instructed some other children to not speak to my daughter as well. The “friend” felt slighted that DD would speak to someone else. The someone else is a very sweet young lady whom I’ve known since DD was in preschool. Very sweet, very friendly.

DD has also been instructed to no be friends with another girl. This other girl is also very sweet, I’ve known her for years, her parents are nice people. DD’s “friend” doesn’t like her, so DD is not “allowed” to be her friend.

Most of the other friends in the class will say hello to me when they see me. This “friend” barely acknowledges me. Recently I took both girls out, and I had the impression they were rolling their eyes at me. I know girls at that age can be catty, but hey I took them out shopping, make the effort to not be catty.

Anyway, yesterday in the afternoon, DD was again communicating with “friend”. I asked, “Did she say she was sorry.” DD told me she called “friend”, and that they were friends again. I wanted to say that she shouldn’t have called, and that “friend” was mean to not speak to DD.

Now I know what my mother would do. She’d nag me on and on about how “friend” is not my friend, she’s manipulative, she’s jealous of me etc. I sort of feel these things about DD’s “friend”. How do I communicate this to her without cementing the friendship even tighter than I’d like?

 

[Irishmom2]

If you haven’t already, please read the book Queen bees and wannabes. After you read it, you may be able to discuss parts of it with your daughter. Instead of saying anything negative about her friend, speak positively about the other sweet friends. Offer to do something with them. And please, teach your daughter that real friends don’t tell them who they can be friends with, that it is okay to be friends with all types of people, and that if someone tries to control you the way the “friend” has, they are not true friends, and that it is okay to let them go. She will have many friends throughout her life.

 

[1ke]

I don’t think you should focus on any one friend, but rather on DD’s behavior, reactions, and working on responses to situations. Hypotheticals of what to do if XYZ situation comes up, and always in the frame of reference of Catholic virtue.

I think support versus direct intervention is the way to go. There will always be people of this type in the world, it doesn’t end in junior high. The best training for DD is how to spot behaviors, manage her own reactions and actions, how to be the person SHE wants to be.

It’s tough to be a teen and tween girl.

 

[mommy_k]

I would ask your daughter how she feels about the treatment and how she plans to deal with it. If the solution comes from herself, she will listen to it more then if you say the exact same thing.
As with any undesirable friendship, you can easily not be available for her to spend time after school with this friend as she does not drive. So the contact becomes limited.

Preteen and teenage drama is going to happen and it helps when the teen vents but comes up with their own solutions.

 

[Catholic4Christ]

I’m male and don’t have a daughter, but I have a sister who is close to my age, and at least from my perspective, if your 12-year-old daughter has only one friend who is problematic then she is in good shape.

 

[MomaMary8]

The solutions and judgments need to come from your daughter. You are right to recognize your mother’s method as not a good one. It could send your daughter closer to the other child than you’d like.

As parents we have to sit back and watch our kids manipulate the world of friends and relationships. Asking questions seems to be our best way of guiding and assisting our kids. When difficult moments come up, ask “Why do you think she said that?” “Do you think that was good to say?” “Would you treat someone that way?” When she comes home the next day, you can ask how was your day, but don’t jump too quickly onto the actual event you are worried about. You may be making a bigger deal out of it than she is, or she has handled it and is moving on. When you ask general “how was school?” That will allow her to go deeper if she wishes. Unless she is in serious trouble (suicidal, cutting, etc.) it is best that she learns how to deal with these bad friendships on her own, especially while she is young enough that she goes to you for help. Now is the perfect age to support her, but don’t do it for her.

I’d keep offering to have her over, especially if she wants to maintain that friendship. It will be the best way to have a positive impact on the other child. You may be her guiding light to positive friendships, too.

 

[7_Sorrows]

I had a friend like this when I was in middle school and high school. she was possessive and very jealous if I made plans with someone else. she was a year older than me and very manipulative. we lived in the country and she was my only friend to do things with - like to take walks, etc. she was more experienced than me so I looked up to her. I don’t think my mom approved of her, but since we lived in the country there would have been no other friends. I wish my mother would have said something or tried to get me involved in other social activities where I could have branched out. my mother was afraid of pushing me away I think, but that friend continued to be a bad influence on me. I finally broke off the friendship in my 30’s when I saw a cruel side to her and her need to have power. I would try to talk to your daughter.

 

[pensmama87]

I think some of the suggestions from other posters are very good.

I was your DD in this situation when I was about the same age. I got roped into shunning a girl because I desperately wanted to impress someone more popular, even though I didn’t think of myself as being the “kind of kid” who would care about that kind of thing.

I still get all twisted up sometimes thinking about how I went along with it. Especially since I ended up being shunned by the same group over a “minor infraction” some time later. I was really, really angry about that, but it would have been helpful to have known more about the social dynamics at play. It also hurt because my parents had witnessed it happening and said nothing so I could “learn a lesson.” There’s something to be said for that, but it was very painful and I felt betrayed by them, too.

 

[Irishmom2]

When your daughter intentionally isolates a nice girl for no reason, she is behaving sinfully. She needs to know this and that a person who is encouraging her to sin is not a good friend. As her mother this would be good for you to tell your daughter. It’s not as if you are picking on this “friend” for the clothes she wears or the music she listens to, she is encouraging your daughter to be a bully and isolate nice innocent children and your daughter is going along with it, probably so she doesn’t become a victim herself.

I agree with this. This is why it is important to have informal conversations, often best while driving somewhere in the car, about friendship, and bullying and being your own person regardless of what others are doing. While it is always going to be a child’s desire to fit in, it shouldn’t be at the expense of their values or someone else’s feelings.

I am definitely not one of those moms that watched and said nothing. if I heard my child was dismissive to a friend because someone else told them not to talk to them, I would not just let them work it out for themselves. I don’t mean that I would say anything to the “instigator” but surely I would let my own child know it was not right.

 

[Regina7]

When my daughter was 10-11, she had a friend who I couldn’t stand. This girl was just very rude and disrespectful- to her mom especially but also to other adults as well. I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt, but it became clear that this friend wasn’t going to change.

I told my daughter that this friend was no longer allowed in my home. I don’t allow my children to disrespect me, so why should I allow their friends to? My daughter was initially upset, but she did still see her at school. However, the friendship soon ended. I think partly because they didn’t hang out outside school and because my daughter started to see what I was talking about.

 

[mommy_k]

Yes, when you ask your daughter how she feels and how she thinks she will handle it, you have to lead her with questions that bring her to the correct conclusions.

You can also share similar stories of how you would handle it if it happened to you.

The way to respond is also tied to your daughters teperament. When I talk to my kids I always say that I have confidence that they will do the right thing, and it’s true. Op, your dd sounds to be a very nice girl, and I am sure she will not want to make others feel badly as this friend did to her–and this is what I would tell her as she comes up with a solution.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, when you ask your daughter how she feels and how she thinks she will handle it, you have to lead her with questions that bring her to the correct conclusions.

Exactly! It is much better for her to think she came up with this solution on her own without any help from mom.

 

[WT1]

Father of 2 daughters 17 and 14. There are some good points above and I will just add the following:

1. 12 to 13 (7th grade) is when the girls are at their nastiest for some reason so I’m not surprised by anything you have posted.
2. Girls change friends constantly until about sophmore year in high school so don’t worry too much her peer group will change.
3. Focus on your daughter’s behavior and actions and let her figure the other out. If you bad mouth another kid (even if it is deserving) very little good can come of it but you can create a positive foundation for your daughter.
4. Plan group activities at your home and be very inclusive of a wide group. Make it a point not to leave anyone out.

We were always the house that had the big slumber parties and other parents always said they were amazed we would have 18 to 20 girls sleep over but it was worth it and fun.

I always talked to the girls at the start and counseled them that everyone here was there to have a good time and every single one of them was responsible for making that happen. If someone is being left out then it’s each of their own PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY to help engage that person in the activities. If even one person does not have a good time then they all failed at being a good friend. Kinda tough love but it worked.

The only other advice I have is if you have small groups of girls at your house never have an odd number. It never fails if you have 3 then 2 will pair up. Even numbers and big groups are the safe zones for preteen girls.

PS If you have large groups of girls at your house make sure you have multiple toilets available for them to use and tell them to alternate use or they will overload and clog one! It took me two big parties and a plunger to figure that one out!

 

[GLam8833]

It sounds to me like your daughter’s friend
is treating her as HER friend, you might,
and rightly so, suspect SSA relationship.

I pray that your DD may wisen up and seek
friends whom her mother approves of!!

Our Father, who is in heaven,
hallowed be Your Name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses as
we forgive those who trespass against us,
(forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors)
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is w/ you,
blessed are you among women,
blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now and
at the hour of our death.
(X3)Amen.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Your daughter is only eleven years old, while she needs to live her own life she still needs your guidance, advice and direction.

When your daughter intentionally isolates a nice girl for no reason, she is behaving sinfully. She needs to know this and that a person who is encouraging her to sin is not a good friend. As her mother this would be good for you to tell your daughter. It’s not as if you are picking on this “friend” for the clothes she wears or the music she listens to, she is encouraging your daughter to be a bully and isolate nice innocent children and your daughter is going along with it, probably so she doesn’t become a victim herself.

How you approach it depends on many things. Do you run the risk of driving your daughter closer to this friend? I suppose but it sounds like your daughter and this girl really are not that close and probably never will be no matter what, unless your daughter is a perpetual “yes man.” This girl is the type that will alienate someone at the drop of a hat. Remember too that you are not your mom, and your daughter is not you. Ask the Holy Spirit for the grace in the best way to approach this but I spoke often with my children about bad influences and their friends. It backfired occasionally but more often than not we had pretty good talks as long as I wasn’t insulting and asked good questions trying to encourage my children to see and think for themselves.

Thank you for responding. I just wanted to clear something up.

I don’t believe my daughter is in fact isolating the other girl due to the influence of her “friend”. When we see her she’s quite friendly and my daughter and she say hello and talk. We had a birthday outing for her 11th birthday and this young lady came, and wrote a nice card for my daughter.

It’s more like “friend” tells my daughter, “Why do you want to be friends with her, I don’t like her, she’s mean, she’s not your friend etc.” Sort of like a smaller version of “Iago” from Othello. So far my DD doesn’t seem to be isolating anyone. I don’t know exactly what goes on at recess, but I haven’t received any negative feed back from the teachers or any of the moms who volunteer at lunch time.

I do remember being 12. Lots of tears. Lots of hurt feelings. Lots of sensitivity.

 

[Irishmom2]

It sounds to me like your daughter’s friend
is treating her as HER friend, you might,
and rightly so, suspect SSA relationship.

I pray that your DD may wisen up and seek
friends whom her mother approves of!!

Where does **that **come from? You have nothing at all to base that on, and it is irrelevant to this conversation.

Your second comment is uncharitable. “Wisen up?” Not very nice.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hello.

I was hoping to get some advice regarding my daughter and her friend.

I don’t really approve of the friendship. I haven’t voiced my opinion to my daughter, I’m trying to be fair. I’m not sure if I actually should say something, or let my daughter figure it out on her own.

The reason I don’t know what to do is when I was young, my mom would nag and nag me if I had a friend she didn’t like. She’d bring up everything negative, all the time. Her approach wouldn’t really work. I’d try to see the good in that person, even if my mom was right about her/him.

So now my DD. It’s been a particularly stressful time (my oldest was hospitalized for 5 months, and I needed to stay with him at the hospital. I was home just 1 night a week it was just a stressful situation overall)

My daughter did have a network of friends, nice young ladies with nice parents that we’d interact with at Church and school events.

This year, DD has this one friend. And I feel this friend is somewhat of a negative influence. For example, she seems to be manipulative. Yesterday, my daughter was upset. Apparently at lunch my daughter spent time talking to another girl. This bothered her “friend”. She told my daughter that she wasn’t speaking to her, and she instructed some other children to not speak to my daughter as well. The “friend” felt slighted that DD would speak to someone else. The someone else is a very sweet young lady whom I’ve known since DD was in preschool. Very sweet, very friendly.

DD has also been instructed to no be friends with another girl. This other girl is also very sweet, I’ve known her for years, her parents are nice people. DD’s “friend” doesn’t like her, so DD is not “allowed” to be her friend.

Most of the other friends in the class will say hello to me when they see me. This “friend” barely acknowledges me. Recently I took both girls out, and I had the impression they were rolling their eyes at me. I know girls at that age can be catty, but hey I took them out shopping, make the effort to not be catty.

Anyway, yesterday in the afternoon, DD was again communicating with “friend”. I asked, “Did she say she was sorry.” DD told me she called “friend”, and that they were friends again. I wanted to say that she shouldn’t have called, and that “friend” was mean to not speak to DD.

Now I know what my mother would do. She’d nag me on and on about how “friend” is not my friend, she’s manipulative, she’s jealous of me etc. I sort of feel these things about DD’s “friend”. How do I communicate this to her without cementing the friendship even tighter than I’d like?

I have to say the level of drama and dilemma is concerning for an 11 year old. One of my daughters is only one year younger than yours and there is no indication of this level of drama. That your daughter is involved is concerning, that yo are sucked into the drama of it all is also concerning. What does dad say about this?

 

[PhiloMed]

I have to say the level of drama and dilemma is concerning for an 11 year old. One of my daughters is only one year younger than yours and there is no indication of this level of drama. That your daughter is involved is concerning, that yo are sucked into the drama of it all is also concerning. What does dad say about this?

Actually, I would say this is more than typical for this age.

You might have a skewed view of what is typical among tween girls since your kids are homeschooled and might be able to avoid this kind of thing. But I have no idea what kind of drama runs in homeschooling social circles, only typical schools.

For the rest of us, this is exactly what we grew up with as tweens and I wouldn’t expect anything different when my own daughter gets there. God help me. The 12-17 year old girls can be vicious at times.

I recommend the movie Mean Girls for frame of reference. Heathers if you want the Wynona Ryder perspective.

 

[Irishmom2]

I have to say the level of drama and dilemma is concerning for an 11 year old. One of my daughters is only one year younger than yours and there is no indication of this level of drama. That your daughter is involved is concerning, that yo are sucked into the drama of it all is also concerning. What does dad say about this?

Drama happens, maybe you are just lucky, or maybe you haven’t been exposed to it **yet. **

But to say that the OP is “sucked into the drama” is a bit insulting. Everyone else that has responded on this thread has offered suggestions and comments because we know this is real and that some of our children, boys as well as girls, have been in the same situation. I do think it is interesting that you made the comments you made, but then want to know what dad has to say. This isn’t about the dad anymore than it is about the mom. It’s about her daughter.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Actually, I would say this is more than typical for this age.

You might have a skewed view of what is typical among tween girls since your kids are homeschooled and might be able to avoid this kind of thing. But I have no idea what kind of drama runs in homeschooling social circles, only typical schools.

For the rest of us, this is exactly what we grew up with as tweens and I wouldn’t expect anything different when my own daughter gets there. God help me. The 12-17 year old girls can be vicious at times.

I recommend the movie Mean Girls for frame of reference. Heathers if you want the Wynona Ryder perspective.

Mean girls is a high school movie. ( a good one at that). And while yes, we homeschool, we are quite involved with children of all types. And I’m aware of the declining age at which these things are happening especially with girls, I cannot imagine not being able to direct and coach my child in dicerning social behaviors. It’s kinda my job.