Soon to be 12 year old daughter

[WT1]

I have to say the level of drama and dilemma is concerning for an 11 year old. One of my daughters is only one year younger than yours and there is no indication of this level of drama. That your daughter is involved is concerning, that yo are sucked into the drama of it all is also concerning. What does dad say about this?

LOL, it’s coming my man so start preparing yourself now!

 

[mommy_k]

Yes, once that starts, it is never ending. However, some children will bully others that they are not even FB friends with. It doesn’t stop them. I will say that FB was one problem many of us did not encounter growing up. Now, unfortunately, it seems to have taken over as many people’s social life. It is best to put off FB for children as long as possible.

Yes our older kids got Facebook a little later then their friends did.

I also know from my own experiences that sometimes two very nice young girls, (or boys) for whatever reason, bring out the absolute worst in each other.

 

[Lea101]

I think most of us have friends like that. I have a little sister who is turning 12 next year and she has the exact same situation. Since I have to play mommy to her, I can understand your feelings.

BUT she has to learn about toxic friendships. You can sit her down and give her advice, but at the end of the day, she probably has to be hurt in order for her to avoid friends like that. It might take a while (I had to cut off a friend like that a year ago, i was 17) but it’s a valuable lesson. Just make sure she knows that you are 100% willing to listen to her problems. When my mom was around, I would ‘*****’ about my friends to her, and my mom would nag and say things like “why would you _____”, things that made me feel like it’s my fault for being upset. She meant it with love, but it didn’t felt like that!

So basically: Give her advice in a gentle manner, don’t be mad if she doesn’t follow it and be approachable

 

[Xantippe]

I think most of us have friends like that. I have a little sister who is turning 12 next year and she has the exact same situation. Since I have to play mommy to her, I can understand your feelings.

BUT she has to learn about toxic friendships. You can sit her down and give her advice, but at the end of the day, she probably has to be hurt in order for her to avoid friends like that. It might take a while (I had to cut off a friend like that a year ago, i was 17) but it’s a valuable lesson. Just make sure she knows that you are 100% willing to listen to her problems. When my mom was around, I would ‘*****’ about my friends to her, and my mom would nag and say things like “why would you _____”, things that made me feel like it’s my fault for being upset. She meant it with love, but it didn’t felt like that!

So basically: Give her advice in a gentle manner, don’t be mad if she doesn’t follow it and be approachable

Come to think of it, I also had a toxic friendship when I was 11 (in 6th grade). I was just so happy to have a FRIEND that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that we had nothing in common and she was kind of terrible. But, happily, once junior high started, she didn’t have the time of day for me.

 

[Xantippe]

There should be some good books available on tween friendship for you to read and share with your daughter–have a look on Amazon or the library.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Updating. The young lady will not be returning to the school next September.

I feel a slightly bit relieved.

I see a counselor on my own. He told me to try to get in as much 1 on 1 time with DD as possible.

We had a chat. I told her about a girl that when I was in first grade I suspected stole my crayons and gym bag. She shared with me about an incident at school where things were missing from the class room, small things like boxes of crayons, cute erasers, pencil cases. It turns out “friend” had them all in her desk.

Last winter DD’s coat was missing at the end of school, and she had to come home with just her sweater. It was found the next day wedged under a book shelf, even though the classroom had been searched. The mother hen in me wonders if perhaps “friend” was involved. I don’t want to be uncharitable, but I wonder now.

Well anyway, just a few more weeks left.

Then seventh and eight grades. Yippee.

 

[Xantippe]

Updating. The young lady will not be returning to the school next September.

I feel a slightly bit relieved.

I see a counselor on my own. He told me to try to get in as much 1 on 1 time with DD as possible.

We had a chat. I told her about a girl that when I was in first grade I suspected stole my crayons and gym bag. She shared with me about an incident at school where things were missing from the class room, small things like boxes of crayons, cute erasers, pencil cases. It turns out “friend” had them all in her desk.

Last winter DD’s coat was missing at the end of school, and she had to come home with just her sweater. It was found the next day wedged under a book shelf, even though the classroom had been searched. The mother hen in me wonders if perhaps “friend” was involved. I don’t want to be uncharitable, but I wonder now.

Well anyway, just a few more weeks left.

Then seventh and eight grades. Yippee.

YAY!

 

[misspriss]

Yes our older kids got Facebook a little later then their friends did.

I also know from my own experiences that sometimes two very nice young girls, (or boys) for whatever reason, bring out the absolute worst in each other.

I remember when you had to have a university email to get a facebook account. Much less drama in those days.

I somehow avoided all the drama until high school, but I was homeschooled. I even avoided the homeschool drama. The drama came when my homeschooled friends started going to private school in high school, apparently they became too good for me then. It started a very bad behavioral trend for me. I guess I was affected by it.

 

[HouseArrest]

Updating. The young lady will not be returning to the school next September.

I feel a slightly bit relieved.

I see a counselor on my own. He told me to try to get in as much 1 on 1 time with DD as possible.

We had a chat. I told her about a girl that when I was in first grade I suspected stole my crayons and gym bag. She shared with me about an incident at school where things were missing from the class room, small things like boxes of crayons, cute erasers, pencil cases. It turns out “friend” had them all in her desk.

Last winter DD’s coat was missing at the end of school, and she had to come home with just her sweater. It was found the next day wedged under a book shelf, even though the classroom had been searched. The mother hen in me wonders if perhaps “friend” was involved. I don’t want to be uncharitable, but I wonder now.

Well anyway, just a few more weeks left.

Then seventh and eight grades. Yippee.

That’s sad. It sounds like this girl doesn’t have a chance of growing up to be a healthy adult. Nonetheless, it isn’t up to other 6th grade girls to raise her.

Hopefully there is adult family member or counselor that will step up and help this girl.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

That’s sad. It sounds like this girl doesn’t have a chance of growing up to be a healthy adult. Nonetheless, it isn’t up to other 6th grade girls to raise her.

Hopefully there is adult family member or counselor that will step up and help this girl.

I hope so too, and I hope her transition to her new school goes well.

My oldest used to take things he liked from pre-school. A block, a small ball. I’d make him return them. But he was 4. This young lady was 10.

I’m not sure what the motivation could be to steal pencils and erasers and hide them.

 

[MomaMary8]

I hope so too, and I hope her transition to her new school goes well.

My oldest used to take things he liked from pre-school. A block, a small ball. I’d make him return them. But he was 4. This young lady was 10.

I’m not sure what the motivation could be to steal pencils and erasers and hide them.

Sounds like she has a stunted social development. That is sad. She may not have had anyone to force her to return things when she was younger. Often times when an older child takes something, they are trying to maintain a contact with someone or something. I’m not saying this was her motivation, but she obviously doesn’t know how to maintain friends in a healthy way.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Sounds like she has a stunted social development. That is sad. She may not have had anyone to force her to return things when she was younger. Often times when an older child takes something, they are trying to maintain a contact with someone or something. I’m not saying this was her motivation, but she obviously doesn’t know how to maintain friends in a healthy way.

Good observation.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I wanted to update.

Recently, it was DD’s 12th birthday. So we hosted a get together of a few friends at an amusement park.

We invited “friend” I figured it was a group outing in a public place, there would be no opportunity for bullying etc.

She arrives (and doesn’t say “hello, Mrs. Gail, thank you for inviting me”) We paid for her ticket (no “thank you”). I give her the benefit of the doubt that she might be awkward.

My older son was there as well. My two boys were with my husband, they were going to explore the park as well. So my older son wasn’t interacting with my daughter’s group of friends.

At a certain point, the group of DD’s friends, and my son went on the same ride. My son ended up seated behind “friend”. Apparently, she turned around, made eye contact with my son and mouthed an insult. Without being specific, a pretty bad insult against my son’s character. I know for a fact that they don’t interact, they haven’t been at the same school for 2 years, when she’s been to our house, my son stays in his room.

I have no idea what could precipitate this insult. They weren’t interacting at all together at this point. DS was with DH, and I had the group.

I’m almost wondering if she’s trying to alienate my daughter from her brother, the same way she tried to alienate my daughter from the girl in the scenario from my OP.

I hate to be mean and petty but I am relieved she is leaving. She’s going to be about 25 miles away, so DD won’t be able to get to her. Hopefully this cools off the relationship.

I don’t know why my daughter feels she needs to be friends with this “mean girl”.

Also, I had to nip a bit of “mean” in the bud on my daughter. The children invited to the amusement park were a certain group of children. My daughter wanted to exclude one girl “because she doesn’t like amusement parks”. I was very disappointed in my daughter, and told her it was a mean thing to exclude her. If her friend didn’t want to come it was one thing, but to purposefully exclude her was mean. How would she feel if she were the only one not invited. I also said that she had to invite her or no one else would be invited.

So she came, and was actually very pleasant. She’s another girl I would like my daughter to be friends with.

My mom had a bit of parenting advice once for me. She said that boys were hard when they were small, because they were rambunctious and active and sometimes impulsive. When they became teens they get easier.

Girls are easier when they are smaller but around the age that they are interested in wearing lipstick they get difficult. I know puberty has changed my daughter. She’s more snarky, more moody. Sigh. And she’s always been a pleasure. She’s smart and curious, she likes to learn things on her own, she’s artistic and musical.

Please keep her in your prayers. And me.

 

[Lea101]

I wanted to update.

Recently, it was DD’s 12th birthday. So we hosted a get together of a few friends at an amusement park.

We invited “friend” I figured it was a group outing in a public place, there would be no opportunity for bullying etc.

She arrives (and doesn’t say “hello, Mrs. Gail, thank you for inviting me”) We paid for her ticket (no “thank you”). I give her the benefit of the doubt that she might be awkward.

My older son was there as well. My two boys were with my husband, they were going to explore the park as well. So my older son wasn’t interacting with my daughter’s group of friends.

At a certain point, the group of DD’s friends, and my son went on the same ride. My son ended up seated behind “friend”. Apparently, she turned around, made eye contact with my son and mouthed an insult. Without being specific, a pretty bad insult against my son’s character. I know for a fact that they don’t interact, they haven’t been at the same school for 2 years, when she’s been to our house, my son stays in his room.

I have no idea what could precipitate this insult. They weren’t interacting at all together at this point. DS was with DH, and I had the group.

I’m almost wondering if she’s trying to alienate my daughter from her brother, the same way she tried to alienate my daughter from the girl in the scenario from my OP.

I hate to be mean and petty but I am relieved she is leaving. She’s going to be about 25 miles away, so DD won’t be able to get to her. Hopefully this cools off the relationship.

I don’t know why my daughter feels she needs to be friends with this “mean girl”.

Also, I had to nip a bit of “mean” in the bud on my daughter. The children invited to the amusement park were a certain group of children. My daughter wanted to exclude one girl “because she doesn’t like amusement parks”. I was very disappointed in my daughter, and told her it was a mean thing to exclude her. If her friend didn’t want to come it was one thing, but to purposefully exclude her was mean. How would she feel if she were the only one not invited. I also said that she had to invite her or no one else would be invited.

So she came, and was actually very pleasant. She’s another girl I would like my daughter to be friends with.

My mom had a bit of parenting advice once for me. She said that boys were hard when they were small, because they were rambunctious and active and sometimes impulsive. When they became teens they get easier.

Girls are easier when they are smaller but around the age that they are interested in wearing lipstick they get difficult. I know puberty has changed my daughter. She’s more snarky, more moody. Sigh. And she’s always been a pleasure. She’s smart and curious, she likes to learn things on her own, she’s artistic and musical.

Please keep her in your prayers. And me.

Girls can be catty at times. I had mean friends like that when I was 10. My mom had the same problem as you, I was (still am) very moody and rude.

I think you are doing a great job. Don’t fret!