Spousal confession

[CuriousInIL]

I can well understand the many comments about not forcing your spouse into this practice.
I guess I am more interested in the comments on whether or not the practice is good or bad where both agree to give it a try.

 

[kage_ar]

:bigyikes: Until such time as I have to address DH as “Father”, and he’s capable of granting a dispensation, he’s not getting my confession!!

Ditto.

 

[Prometheum_x]

OutinChgoburbs:

What would be more harmful in this situation: To lay the guilt on the already injured party or to confess directly to them as ask forgiveness? Yes, the party sinning would be released from sin nad guilt and all the horrible feelings of the secret. The already injured party would be forced to carry that burden. Why make it worse?

The reason one confesses to another if one has sinned against the other is not to be released of feelings of guilt or secrecy, although that may be an excellent secondary effect. The primary reason is because that confession (I believe) is owed to the other – especially if it is a serious sin.

We should not confess our sins in order to psychologically manipulate ourselves or others. We should do so because love and justice require it.

Sin objectively damages relationships. All sin damages our relationship with God and with the Body of Christ as a whole, even so called “private” sin. That relationship is healed and restored through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. But when we sin against not just God but other individuals, how shall we bring healing and reconciliation to that relationship? If I were to sin against a friend, how shall I find reconciliation for that friendship?

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

dulcissima:

I think it is a bad idea. Everytime I go to confession, my husband badgers me and raises his eyebrows, “What do you need to confess?” It makes me really second guess whether I really even need to go, to know that I am going to have to go through his inquisition, and have to listen to his opinions of the sins that I have committed. Most of the time he just makes fun of me for even thinking or caring that this or that is a sin.

If a husband and a wife have good communication and mutual respect, then that is great that they can talk about the kinds of things that would be confessed. However, I don’t think a spouse is entitled to know everything that is said in the confessional. I think if you really have respect for your spouse, you will allow them their privacy.

Hey, if JPII went to confession weekly, why wouldn’t we need to go frequently

"Pope John Paul II has called attention to the importance of sacramental Confession in the spiritual lives of all Catholics, especially priests.

The Holy Father recommended the practice of weekly confession, which he follows himself. He said that “those who go to Confession frequently, and do so with the desire to make process” will notice the strides that they make in their spiritual lives.

“It would be an illusion to seek after holiness, according to the vocation one has received from God, without partaking frequently of this sacrament of conversion and reconciliation,” he said."

BTW, he was talking about Sacramental Confession, not “spousal confession” nor any other type of non-Sacramental Confession

 

[H_Opey]

No way would I confess like that. And neither would my husband. We have a good and open relationship but some things need to stay between us and God alone.

 

[puzzleannie]

even supposing I did want to try spousal confession, how would I go about getting spouse to put down the dang remote and listen to me long enough to confess?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Prometheum_x:

Sin objectively damages relationships. All sin damages our relationship with God and with the Body of Christ as a whole, even so called “private” sin. That relationship is healed and restored through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. But when we sin against not just God but other individuals, how shall we bring healing and reconciliation to that relationship? If I were to sin against a friend, how shall I find reconciliation for that friendship?

The priest does not only act in persona Christi, but represents the community. Further, some sins would injure the party or the relationship IF KNOWN. Why can’t some people graps the concept that everybody does not need to know everything about everybody, even in a marriage, that it CAN be damaging instead of healing?

 

[didymus]

papa_k:

Confession is a deference to higer power. Since God is the true Head of your marriage, confess to Him (through the priest, of course). Marriage is not as vertical, and I wouldn’t suggest horizontally confessing. Plus, people are not as forgiving as God. Go to the priest, do your penance, ammend your life, apply yourself to your promise to avoid sin, and order your marriage. It’s sufficient.

Plus, there is a SERIOUS veil over Confession, and you may be violating it, or close to it.

Excellent points all.

I’ve never heard of “spousal confession” but it sounds like a horrible idea. When we go to Confession we are guaranteed God’s forgiveness, but when we confess to a spouse we are putting a burden on them, basically saying, “Now forgive me.”
If I confess to my wife that I’ve lusted in my heart after the young, skinny bllonde next door she may forgive me but she won’t be able to forget and my confession may make me feel better but it would hurt my wife.

TC

 

[anna1978]

CuriousInIL:

Here is an EWTN answer indicating that this is a bad idea.

ewtn.org/vexperts/showmessage.asp?Pgnu=1&Pg=Forum6&recnu=5&number=457485

I agree with the priest!

Anna x

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

didymus:

Excellent points all.

I’ve never heard of “spousal confession” but it sounds like a horrible idea. When we go to Confession we are guaranteed God’s forgiveness, but when we confess to a spouse we are putting a burden on them, basically saying, “Now forgive me.”
If I confess to my wife that I’ve lusted in my heart after the young, skinny bllonde next door she may forgive me but she won’t be able to forget and my confession may make me feel better but it would hurt my wife.

TC

Thank you. You understand where I’m coming from, almost exactly. :clapping:

 

[Prometheum_x]

OutinChgoburbs:

The priest does not only act in persona Christi, but represents the community. Further, some sins would injure the party or the relationship IF KNOWN. Why can’t some people graps the concept that everybody does not need to know everything about everybody, even in a marriage, that it CAN be damaging instead of healing?

Well, then, I guess one never needs to confess anything to anyone except for God and a priest. No need to say “sorry” to anyone else!

 

[migurl]

THe problem with not confessing to a spouse is that firstly, you are being dishonest, sure, confessing that you had a lustful thought may be pushing it, but your spouse deserves to know your weaknesses otherwise they cannot help you or understand why you act the way you do. If you cannot be open with your spouse you should not be married. if you do not trust your spouse to be forgiving, you might have married the wrong person, if your spouse can’t forgive you, they have a serious probelm for we are all called to be forgiving. Keeping secrets is cowardly anyway, we use the excuse that we don’t wanmt to hurt someone when in actuality we don’t want to deal with their reaction and the reality of what we have done. We don’t like consequences. Also something to think about, what if your spouse finds out that you have an issue or are commiting a certain sin or sins?? THen not only have you hurt them by commiting the sin, but then they feel left out, untrusted and untrusting of you, the hurt is compounded by the secrecy.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Prometheum_x:

Well, then, I guess one never needs to confess anything to anyone except for God and a priest. No need to say “sorry” to anyone else!

No, that isn’t what I am saying.

Look, obviously there are those who don’t want to understand what I’m saying, because I’ve said it until I am blue in the face…or fingers, and it makes no difference. This is not a contest, or a case “one upsmanship” or argument. This is my OPINION, and it is also the opinion of many priests. You are not going to change my mind on it. You are not going to change the majority of priests’ minds on it.

Let me try to explain one more time.

It is NOT appropriate for a spouse to enter the confessional with the other spouse. It is carrying the “one flesh” too far. Spouses are **not **responsible for each other’s sins, whether or not those are the everyday, garden variety of venials such as selfishness and petty arguments, to the big mortals such as adultery. The sacrament of Reconciliation is submission to God and to the community through the priest. There is a reason it is private.

Further, even in non-sacramental confession, while one spouse may find great relief in releasing his or her guilt to the other, the other then has to bear the agnony of the sin of the spouse. Yes, the erring spouse may feel great relief, but at what price? And how on earth are going to feel left out if you never tell them, repent, and don’t sin again? Should one be willing to risk being constantly judged for this sin that will crush the other spouse? Then, it is not loving, kind, forgiving. It is typical of the touchy-feely stuff that has crept into our lives and is detrimental.

Did anybody read the link from anna, or didymus’ example of lust in the heart?

Further, if a priest even suggested such an acitivty to my husband and me, we would be looking for naother priest.

 

[Toni]

OutinChgoburbs:

I do not want to know what my husband tells Jesus in confession. He does not want to know what I tell Jesus in confession. We do not even use the same confessor. We may swap penances (tell, not do them for each other), but that’s about it.

The theory of telling all is NOT a good one!!! For example (JUST an example, not something I have done), suppose one has an affair and ends it with guilt, but before any real harm is done to the spouse. So, rather than go to confession, receive whatever penance the priest sets upon the sinful party, with full repentance not to repeat, one should also go home and bare all, thus hurting the spouse? NO!!! The injuring spouse is compounding the situation.

I don’t want to know if my husband has masturbated (just another example). I don’t want to know if he has sworn three times, lied twice, and stolen a piece of candy out of my special drawer. That is between God and my husband. And I don’t want him to know that I abused the credit card, was slothful about the laundry, and didn’t put God first when I was lazy about prayer.

If we don’t have the right to be an individual before God, then we will, in my opinion, make distrustful, sneaky marriage partners.

Well said a confession is meant to be between you and God. Yes my husband knows everything. But come on.

 

[CuriousInIL]

These replies seem to focus on sins against the spouse and/or the marriage. What about the other sins such as anger towards others, losing patience at work, etc. It seems there would be no guilt to relieve or burden to be borne by the spouse. And, perhaps DS could help with avoiding or overcoming these?

I also find it extremely interesting that there is not even 1 vote in the poll for I did it and it didn’t work. All we have are those who have never tried it and those for whom it has worked.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

CuriousInIL:

These replies seem to focus on sins against the spouse and/or the marriage. What about the other sins such as anger towards others, losing patience at work, etc. It seems there would be no guilt to relieve or burden to be borne by the spouse. And, perhaps DS could help with avoiding or overcoming these?

I also find it extremely interesting that there is not even 1 vote in the poll for I did it and it didn’t work. All we have are those who have never tried it and those for whom it has worked.

I did mention thins such as petty arguing, selfishness, credit card games, inattention to prayer. If you want, add gluttony, a case of laziness, and gossip.

Maybe not many people have tried it because a lot of people think it is bad idea.

 

[CuriousInIL]

OutinChgoburbs:

I did mention thins such as petty arguing, selfishness, credit card games, inattention to prayer. If you want, add gluttony, a case of laziness, and gossip.

Maybe not many people have tried it because a lot of people think it is bad idea.

And why is it a bad idea to have your spouse try to help you with petty arguing, selfisness, credit card games (whatever those are), inattention to prayer, gluttony, laziness (oh come on that can’t really be a sin, well maybe it it but I cant be bothered to look it up ), and gossip?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

CuriousInIL:

And why is it a bad idea to have your spouse try to help you with petty arguing, selfisness, credit card games (whatever those are), inattention to prayer, gluttony, laziness (oh come on that can’t really be a sin, well maybe it it but I cant be bothered to look it up ), and gossip?

It is not a bad idea to have them help you. It is not bad idea to have them help you with a diet, either.

It is a bad idea to confess to them as if one is confessing to a priest. It is a bad idea, for example, to have a spouse play the role of spiritual advisor, because that person is so close to you that the spouse cannot be NON-OBJECTIVE. It is also a bad idea to have a spouse who is a physician treat the other spouse, and it is a bad idea to have a spouse use the other as a coach, such as for dieting. Your sins are your own. YOU did them, not your spouse.

And yes, laziness is a sin, although usually a venial one.

Finally, NOT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME. If you think you can go to confession with your spouse, or treat your marriage as if it has a confessional aspect associated with the sacrament, fine. Go ahead. Do it. But then please quit asking others opinions, and when they explain WHY, don’t try to diminish what they’ve told you.

I, personally, will not ever consider my husband for a confessor, confession partner or spiritual advisor. He is too close to the situation. It is the same reason I would not ask him to teach me Philosophy, or Math, or monitor my diet.

I, personally, think this is a dead horse, and hope the moderator comes to it soon.

 

[Prometheum_x]

To be fair, I am neither married nor will I be married any time soon. I am more seeing this issue as an opportunity to explore the following question:

If I directly wrong someone (whether spouse, friend, or complete stranger), do I have any sort of moral obligation to confess that wrongdoing to them, if it is possible to do so? Why or why not?

I myself lean towards thinking that one does have some level of obligation to do so, but I am not entirely convinced of that. I would also be willing to consider the possibility that sometimes (but not all the time) there is an obligation, but it depends on the actual sin and the circumstances.

Opinions abound – I am trying to explore the underlying logic behind those opinions.

 

[CuriousInIL]

OutinChgoburbs:

It is not a bad idea to have them help you. It is not bad idea to have them help you with a diet, either.

It is a bad idea to confess to them as if one is confessing to a priest. It is a bad idea, for example, to have a spouse play the role of spiritual advisor, because that person is so close to you that the spouse cannot be NON-OBJECTIVE. It is also a bad idea to have a spouse who is a physician treat the other spouse, and it is a bad idea to have a spouse use the other as a coach, such as for dieting. Your sins are your own. YOU did them, not your spouse.

And yes, laziness is a sin, although usually a venial one.

Finally, NOT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME. If you think you can go to confession with your spouse, or treat your marriage as if it has a confessional aspect associated with the sacrament, fine. Go ahead. Do it. But then please quit asking others opinions, and when they explain WHY, don’t try to diminish what they’ve told you.

I, personally, will not ever consider my husband for a confessor, confession partner or spiritual advisor. He is too close to the situation. It is the same reason I would not ask him to teach me Philosophy, or Math, or monitor my diet.

I, personally, think this is a dead horse, and hope the moderator comes to it soon.

FIrst of all, I guess it didn’t come through to you but the comment on laziness was a joke.

Second, apparently the only thing that makes this topic a “dead horse” is that you feel done with it. I do not and judging by the posts neither do others. If you want to put an end to your debate on this topic, simply don’t post anymore in this thread.

Third, if I “diminished” what you indicated I am sorry. However, I must say that I do not think I did anything of the kind. I did challenge you to support your opinions. I did not charaterize any of your posts as a “dead horse.”

Fourth, I love debate and that is why I both solicit other’s opinions and challenge them to back up their opinions.

Fifth, I (and I am sure many others) would ask (and have asked) my wife to teach me philosophy, math and to help me monitor my diet. But, I have no idea at all what this has to do with the topic.

SIxth, the initial post asked “Has anyone tried spousal confessions? And if so, is it a good thing or bad?” I would like you and all to keep that in mind.

Seventh, and last for now, I think that the idea of sousal confession is not a particularly good one, have never done it and do not intend to try it. But, that doesn’t mean that I think the topic doesn’t deserve discussion. And, many of the responses, including your own, have given me additional points to support my view in a discussion in the “real world” (i.e., not online).