Spousal confession

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I read through this thread last night and have not read today’s responses. Forgive me for this, but it appears to still be about in the same place, and my opinion is the same regardless.

** I believe that when two people marry, they become one and that there is nothing that should not be shared between spouses.** I believe that there are plenty of trivial things that can go unsaid. However, if they somehow come up then the spouses should be totally honest and open. I know others disagree, but I believe this includes past, present, and future.

I believe that anything affecting one spouse is affecting both. Period. There is nothing that can only affect one spouse. The bigger the issue, the more the spouse “in the know” has an obligation to offer the information to the other spouse.

I whole-heartedly support and encourage Willard Harley’s radical honesty policy and his love bank analogy.
**
With that said, I think this format of Spousal Confession is quite silly and forced!** I can see how some people could like it because of it forcing them to tell all, but I don’t think the format is healthy for anyone involved.

For instance: if I think my (absolutely wonderful) husband is a “selfish slob” (as referenced earlier) then I don’t want to say, “Today I ate an extra piece of cake, cursed in front of the kids, and felt extreme anger towards you because you are a selfish slob.” Honesty does not mean being uncharitable. We do nightly check-ups to see how our day and our relationship are going and discuss such things in a supportive and loving way. (When you do ________, it makes me feel ___________.)

** So my point is, though I don’t think there should be secrets between spouses, I don’t think this format is a conducive method of sharing, either.**
 
Forest-Pine

In using your system (which makes great sense to me) do you believe that you and your spouse do share all the information that the “formal” process would reveal?

Forest-Pine (and others whose spouses have a fairly high level of information)
Do you rely at all on your spouse when doing an examination of conscience for confession?
 
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CuriousInIL:
Forest-Pine

In using your system (which makes great sense to me) do you believe that you and your spouse do share all the information that the “formal” process would reveal?

Forest-Pine (and others whose spouses have a fairly high level of information)
Do you rely at all on your spouse when doing an examination of conscience for confession?
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I never thought of it in those terms, so I don’t know. I would say on average, it is. We don’t have a nightly “list your sins” kind of a talk, as much of this type of discussion is had throughout the day. Minor issues concerning what we are struggling with, what we are feeling, etc just come out throughout the course of the day. Each evening, we discuss the bigger picture of how the day fits into the scheme of our lives. Sounds important! I don’t mean it to at all. Let me give you an example.

When my husband calls home and asks how things are going, I might say that we are having a good day or that I’ve been really impatient or what have you. Minor stuff. When he gets home from work, we discuss how the day’s gone so far. He might tell me about a meeting he went to, and in the course of that conversation he might say that he really didn’t pay attention or that he got really frustrated when so-and-so said such-and-such or that it was interesting or whatever. It isn’t that he’s “confessing” a sin to me or asking me for direction, but that we are discussing the ups and downs of the day. If one of us is doing something that the other particularly likes or doesn’t like, we express it at the time it occurs. That way, we can agree on a way of dealing with problems before it snowballs into anything big. If it is a big issue, we might agree to postpone the decision making until we both have a chance to focus solely on the issue. (“Why don’t we discuss this tonight?”–which means that neither will act on the issue in the mean time, either.) This is all just casual conversation.

Then at night we have a more “serious” conversation in which we discuss the coming days, any serious long-term issues, etc. We agree on a united “plan of action” for dealing with it. This might include any trivial issues that haven’t come up previously as well. “Oh! I forgot to tell you that your mother called to say…”

Throughout the day, on average, we give each other affirmations and express appreciation, provide any new information, discuss any puzzles or questions, discuss any issues in the relationship and agree on a plan of action, and express our wishes, hopes, and dreams.

So, I’d say we probably talk a lot more than what one would through confession, and in a different method of conversation, but that the same information is at the very least covered–even if in a different way.

Oh! And to answer your second question, No. It doesn’t seem like a great idea. I know what I am spiritually struggling with far better than he does, and vice versa. I discuss it with him, but confession does seem to be a different realm. One is how to grow in my relationship with him, the other is how to grow in my relationship with God. I discuss both with him, but not in that way. It is more focused on telling him my struggles and asking for his support than asking him what to tell the priest.
 
Oh…Sorry Curious…I thought you wanted opinion.

I don’t like to argue. I like to help. Arguing (set of points to reach a conclusion in logical order) is not my forte and not my idea of stimulation.😦
 
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OutinChgoburbs:
Oh…Sorry Curious…I thought you wanted opinion.

I don’t like to argue. I like to help. Arguing (set of points to reach a conclusion in logical order) is not my forte and not my idea of stimulation.😦
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My guess as to one reason God made so many of us with so many different likes and dislikes.
I do want opinion, but I do also like to challenge people to back up there opinion to see if there is or is not an underlying rationale.
 
Here is a question, what is your definition of dishonesty? Does it include instances of ommission? Here is another question, is it better for you to hear it from your spouse that he/she has done something wrong, or would you prefer finding out by some other means?? I’m sure most people would rather tell their spouse that they have done something than to have them find out on their own thus adding secrecy and dishonesty to list of wrongs.
 
The priest and others that overheard the confession/ translated, etc are bound by the seal, the penitent is not, but that does not mean it is prudent (to say the least) to share your sins. There is a line in the Catholic Encyclopedia that says:
“In a word, it is more in keeping with the intention of the Church and with the reverence due to the sacrament that the penitent himself should refrain from speaking of his confession.”

It also mentions that the penitent “is obliged to take care that what he reveals shall cast no blame or suspicion on the confessor, since the latter cannot defend himself.”
 
I just can’t see what good it would do to share your confession with your spouse. We know virtually all there is to know about eachother, including past mistakes, but that doesn’t mean I’d be in the least bit interested to hear he’s masturbated (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t, but just as an example) or that he has had impure thoughts about Pamela Andersen (just picking a name here)…If a husband actually had confessed a mortal sin such as sleeping with his secretary, I think sharing that with his wife would do more harm than good. God would give him absolution…his wife would most likely be in her lawyer’s office the very next day…As for being able to pray for eachother: you don’t need to know everything to be able to do that. I just think it sounds nosey, controlling and gossipy to want to know that sort of thing. A confession is what it is: you confess to God through a priest and it’s private.

Anna x
 
You know what couples need to do? Husbands need to be sorry for the way they’ve hurt their wives, and ask their forgiveness, and receive it-and likewise wives the same towards their husbands. Basic, simple, gospel principles of humility and forgiveness. “Unless you forgive your brother from your hearts, your Heavenly Father won’t forgive you” “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be saved.” Love, forgiveness, and humility. That’s the way we have to approach each other all the time. If we do this, every marriage on the planet will be happy. If we don’t, every one of them is going to fall apart.
 
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anna1978:
I.If a husband actually had confessed a mortal sin such as sleeping with his secretary, I think sharing that with his wife would do more harm than good. God would give him absolution…**his wife would most likely be in her lawyer’s office the very next day…**Anna x
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THen she has a problem. We are all called to forgive and if you’ll remember, there are no divorces in the catholic church, so going to see her lawyer would mean that she was about to start on a path leading to the same sin her husband commited. If you can’t trust your spouse to forgive you, why marry them? If you can’t be forgiving, why be Catholic?
 
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migurl:
THen she has a problem. We are all called to forgive and if you’ll remember, there are no divorces in the catholic church, so going to see her lawyer would mean that she was about to start on a path leading to the same sin her husband commited. If you can’t trust your spouse to forgive you, why marry them? If you can’t be forgiving, why be Catholic?
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Though it is a last resort, a seperation (including civil divorce) is permissible when trust between spouses cannot be maintained. Infidelity would certainly be a major factor in such. However, there obviously were issues in the marriage before the infidelity occured which would have led to such. The problem was THEIRS, not HIS. I believe the couple has no chance of ever being truly happy because the man (in this situation) is willfully holding a part of himself back from his wife. To have sex with his wife, to tell her with his body and his words and his actions that he is giving all of himself to her and uniting himself to her, while holding this secret from her that he gave of himself to another, to me is making every act of sex a lie. It is a continuation of the infidelity when it is recreated with his wife each night, having given himself to another and now unable to give that part of himself back to his wife. How much worse this would be than the act of contraception, which at least is out in the open about the selfishness of the act.

The man would obviously be affected by his infidelity in various situations, would hopefully be laden with guilt each time his wife said how wonderful he was to others, and the wife would never understand these responses or moods he exhibited. They would need to work on communication skills and on affair-proofing their marriage, but how could the wife go through these stages of healing and trust-building if not given the opportunity? Instead, the man pretends to build her trust as he lies to her each day. It will only make the revelation that much more harmful and the marriage that much more likely to end when she sees who he “really” is–the man she never knew.

I believe that it is selfishness that leads to infidelity, and it is selfishness that would keep the man lying to his spouse. He doesn’t want to face the natural consequences of his decision to break his promise. His wife wouldn’t trust him because she would know his character and his actions and would be rightfully devastated. To believe that he is above his spouse and able to bear this burden and “protect” her from the consequences is not my idea of a proper understanding of marriage.
 
And quite a few annulment-cases have been built around ‘my dh two-timed me’, my SIL got her annulment on that issue… So, whether or not it’s the ‘Catholic thing to do’, it’s the reality of the annulment process that it CAN be used…

Anna x
 
I realize your talking about something somewhat different, but from what I’ve seen and heard, confession infidelity to your spouse is the fast track to divorce court.

If you’re the cheater, it’s really not going to make you feel better and it’s going to kill your spouse.
 
Trying to get this back a little bit closer to my original question, let’s assume that there is no infidelity or other “sexual” sins to confess. Nothing that directly affects the spouse more than say, “Honey, I realize I was also short with you yesterday for no good reason.”

In such circumstances, does anyone see any positives or negatives to sharing your sins with your spouse (the primary positive being sought would be IMO spousal help to overcome sins that you often repeat)?
 
How about Road rage? I’m not sure how big of a sin this is, but considering it may involve cursing at people (even though they can’t hear it) and becoming very agitated in general, it is probably a venial sin. I think that should be confessed so that the spouse can try and come up with ideas to prevent or lessen the RR. Couples that share their weaknesses learn so much and grow so much closer. There are many sins in this life that an individaul cannot overcome on their own if they are too fargone or it is a life-long habit. BUT two people joined together with God’s grace can overcome so much together!! THat is the beauty of marriage! Sure, there are sins a that both spouses may committ often, but I believe that even if a certain sin is a weak point for both, they can help eachother grow stonger in order to overcome the sin.
 
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