Spouse only wants to have two kids

[yellow8yellowM]

I’m sure many of you know Catholics who say they only want to have two (or some small fixed amount) kids. Many of you probably know Catholics who have had vasectomies or practice some form of birth control. My Catholic wife and I always thought this way until recently. In April of this year I completed RCIA and was fully received into the Church.

The problem is that my wife is the way she has always been, but now I am trying to live out a devout life as best I can. I emphasize the word “trying.” I get very frustrated when she tells people that she is stopping having kids after two, or when she tells people that she’s going on the pill after the second baby is born.

The frustration is partly that I want here to join the Catholic struggle with me, but also partly because I don’t know how to react to her. How often should I let her know my/the Church’s opinion? How harsh should I be? I just don’t know the path forward and feel a little helpless.

Any stories of your own struggle or advice will be helpful.

 

[mountee]

It’s hard to effect change when you started down a path together and then one person begins to have their faith grow in another direction. You need patience and prayer. You stated “my wife and I always felt this way until recently”. In fairness to her, you need to give her the time to grow with you. You have not stated if she is Catholic also, but if she is a spiritual director could be very helpful. Pray and trust that God will take care of this for you, have faith. God bless you.

 

[Debora123]

I’m sure many of you know Catholics who say they only want to have two (or some small fixed amount) kids. Many of you probably know Catholics who have had vasectomies or practice some form of birth control. My Catholic wife and I always thought this way until recently. In April of this year I completed RCIA and was fully received into the Church.

The problem is that my wife is the way she has always been, but now I am trying to live out a devout life as best I can. I emphasize the word “trying.” I get very frustrated when she tells people that she is stopping having kids after two, or when she tells people that she’s going on the pill after the second baby is born.

The frustration is partly that I want here to join the Catholic struggle with me, but also partly because I don’t know how to react to her. How often should I let her know my/the Church’s opinion? How harsh should I be? I just don’t know the path forward and feel a little helpless.

Any stories of your own struggle or advice will be helpful.

How “harsh” should you be? You cannot force your wife to convert, or to have more children than she wants.

You can pray for her conversion, and of course, you can talk to her about your faith and your beliefs from time to time. But she’s a grown woman, you can’t constantly be on her back about it… doing so will just irritate her and push her farther away.

You can try to discourage her form using the pill, and you can tell her that you think doing so is morally wrong, but you can’t force anything on her. And if she chooses to use the pill, that’s on her.… and there would be no sin on your part for having sex with her while she’s on the pill.

 

[Debora123]

mountee;9692734**:

It’s hard to effect change when you started down a path together and then one person begins to have their faith grow in another direction.

You need patience and prayer. You stated “my wife and I always felt this way until recently”. In fairness to her, you need to give her the time to grow with you. You have not stated if she is Catholic also, but if she is a spiritual director could be very helpful. Pray and trust that God will take care of this for you, have faith. God bless you.

Agreed.

If my husband came home one day with a different belief from some religion that I was never part of, and started being “harsh” with me and trying to enforce those beliefs on me, I’d feel very very betrayed.

Tread lightly, OP. Tread lightly.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

It’s hard to effect change when you started down a path together and then one person begins to have their faith grow in another direction. You need patience and prayer. You stated “my wife and I always felt this way until recently”. In fairness to her, you need to give her the time to grow with you. You have not stated if she is Catholic also, but if she is a spiritual director could be very helpful. Pray and trust that God will take care of this for you, have faith. God bless you.

Yes, she is Catholic, and asked me to become Catholic without forcing it upon me. I don’t think she ever thought that I would try to fully embrace all the teachings of the Church. In her family, to some extent, it seems that certain tenets of the faith are not really practiced.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

How **“harsh” **should you be? You cannot force your wife to convert, or to have more children than she wants.

Maybe this was the wrong word choice. What I mean to ask is,

1. Should I speak up at all?
2. How frequently do I speak up?
3. If she publicly denounces some Church teachings should I speak up?

Number three is the one where I feel most inclined to speak up. Every time a person publicly rejects some Church teaching, it makes it easier for the next person to do so.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Maybe this was the wrong word choice. What I mean to ask is,

1. Should I speak up at all?
2. How frequently do I speak up?
3. If she publicly denounces some Church teachings should I speak up?

Number three is the one where I feel most inclined to speak up. Every time a person publicly rejects some Church teaching, it makes it easier for the next person to do so.

I’m not really sure how to answer the other questions, but here’s my (name removed by moderator)ut. Do not fight with your wife in public. If you can state that you disagree with her without it turning in to a fight, do so. But if you think that it would devolve in to something that would make others uncomfortable to see and embarrass both of you, don’t do it.

 

[ndeparis88]

Maybe this was the wrong word choice. What I mean to ask is,

1. Should I speak up at all?
2. How frequently do I speak up?
3. If she publicly denounces some Church teachings should I speak up?

Number three is the one where I feel most inclined to speak up. Every time a person publicly rejects some Church teaching, it makes it easier for the next person to do so.

Have you talked to her about NFP?

 

[Debora123]

Maybe this was the wrong word choice. What I mean to ask is,

1. Should I speak up at all?
2. How frequently do I speak up?
3. If she publicly denounces some Church teachings should I speak up?

Number three is the one where I feel most inclined to speak up. Every time a person publicly rejects some Church teaching, it makes it easier for the next person to do so.

1. Yes, of course. By all means, tell her how you feel and remind her that using ABC is against Church teaching.
2. Definitely not constantly, especially if it makes her upset. Perhaps you can bring it up from time to time depending on her reaction.
3. Yeah, there is nothing wrong with correcting her. But you have to figure out your own boundaries regarding how much you want to drag it out by judging her reaction. You don’t want to strain your marriage and you definitely don’t want her to get upset and distance herself from you. You can suggest counseling with a priest if she’s on board with it.

 

[Debora123]

I’m not really sure how to answer the other questions, but here’s my (name removed by moderator)ut. Do not fight with your wife in public. If you can state that you disagree with her without it turning in to a fight, do so. But if you think that it would devolve in to something that would make others uncomfortable to see and embarrass both of you, don’t do it.

Yes, this too. Definitely don’t do it in public.

 

[marian_love]

Maybe this is harsh…but if you want to have more children and she does not…that is an irreconcilable difference. Divorce her, get the marriage annulled through the church(which would not be difficult in your case), and marry a catholic woman.

 

[Dorothy]

How “harsh” should you be? You cannot force your wife to convert, or to have more children than she wants.

You can pray for her conversion, and of course, you can talk to her about your faith and your beliefs from time to time. But she’s a grown woman, you can’t constantly be on her back about it… doing so will just irritate her and push her farther away.

You can try to discourage her form using the pill, and you can tell her that you think doing so is morally wrong, but you can’t force anything on her. And if she chooses to use the pill, that’s on her.… and there would be no sin on your part for having sex with her while she’s on the pill.

Correct.

 

[Dorothy]

Maybe this is harsh…but if you want to have more children and she does not…that is an irreconcilable difference. Divorce her, get the marriage annulled through the church(which would not be difficult in your case), and marry a catholic woman.

The OP does not have to resort to divorce, nor be encouraged to. It is correct to handle the situation by calmly discussing what the Church teaches, and if she is not as yet on board about that it is not necessary for the innocent spouse to refrain from having relations. Prayer and a calm discussion, from time to time, is the way to go.

Blessings to you for becoming truly Catholic and desiring to follow the Lord’s will.

 

[Debora123]

Maybe this is harsh…but if you want to have more children and she does not…that is an irreconcilable difference. Divorce her, get the marriage annulled through the church(which would not be difficult in your case), and marry a catholic woman.

:nope:

Wow, really?

I don’t know if this post is meant to be sarcastic or not, but OP, please don’t take this person’s advice and go divorce your wife over this.

 

[10gr8kids]

Do you all have any children yet? Maybe you shouldn’t be too worried about this right now. Just pray about it. She may very well change her mind after she has two children. Help her with the children as much you can and help around the house so she isn’t too overwhelmed. I know many people who said they would never have more than one and then had several. Also, you never know what difficulties you may encounter in conceiving and having children. It may not be up to the both of you on how many children you have. I pray this is not the case, but sometimes we are not in control.

 

[LemmeThink4aSec]

Maybe this is harsh…but if you want to have more children and she does not…that is an irreconcilable difference. Divorce her, get the marriage annulled through the church(which would not be difficult in your case), and marry a catholic woman.

Unfortunately, it would not be difficult to get an annulment in this situation But I don’t think you should consider this option if you don’t want to. Your wife is Catholic, and there is always room to grow in one’s Faith. Yes, you definitely need to speak to your wife and come to an agreement, it wouldn’t make sense for either of you to keep something as important as thoughts about having children to yourselves. In public, don’t fight with her, but in private explain where she’s not in line with Church doctrine, you should not ridicule her, just speak. It’s the love you have for her and your future children that she needs to see when you speak to her, therefore, do not approach her angry or impatient, or silent and resentful. Get on your knees and pray for her and your future kids, you should also talk to a priest to get advice on how to handle little everyday instances.

 

[JillianRose]

I’m sure many of you know Catholics who say they only want to have two (or some small fixed amount) kids. Many of you probably know Catholics who have had vasectomies or practice some form of birth control. My Catholic wife and I always thought this way until recently. In April of this year I completed RCIA and was fully received into the Church.

The problem is that my wife is the way she has always been, but now I am trying to live out a devout life as best I can. I emphasize the word “trying.” I get very frustrated when she tells people that she is stopping having kids after two, or when she tells people that she’s going on the pill after the second baby is born.

The frustration is partly that I want here to join the Catholic struggle with me, but also partly because I don’t know how to react to her. How often should I let her know my/the Church’s opinion? How harsh should I be? I just don’t know the path forward and feel a little helpless.

Any stories of your own struggle or advice will be helpful.

I have been blessed to have my own children, but I know alot of Catholics in our Church have done IVF. I do not judge but I tell them not to be telling people about it. Especially since they don’t care if it is “Church Approved” or not.

We only have two kids. The Catholic form of Birth control, "Rythm method’ so to speak, works great. Your wife needs to just keep track of her “cycle” and temperature. That way it is not taking away from the purpose of your BLESSED union. Remember, others may not know what you and your wife are doing, but GOD knows. That should be concern enough to follow the Churches advice.

 

[Catya]

Do you all have any children yet? Maybe you shouldn’t be too worried about this right now. Just pray about it. She may very well change her mind after she has two children. Help her with the children as much you can and help around the house so she isn’t too overwhelmed. I know many people who said they would never have more than one and then had several. Also, you never know what difficulties you may encounter in conceiving and having children. It may not be up to the both of you on how many children you have. I pray this is not the case, but sometimes we are not in control.

Couldn’t agree more. Try not to worry too much for now. My mother told me she went into marriage thinking it was her duty to produce at least one child - she wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect. After having my brother, however, she was so thrilled with motherhood she subsequently had me & then adopted another.

Also, in this age of artificial birth control and consumerism, people have a tendency to think they can order the exact quantity of kids they want, when they want them! However, human biology and God’s will don’t always cooperate with our carefully laid plans.

 

[Gwendolen]

Maybe this is harsh…but if you want to have more children and she does not…that is an irreconcilable difference. Divorce her, get the marriage annulled through the church(which would not be difficult in your case), and marry a catholic woman.

Just because one could technically qualify for an annulment does NOT mean someone should throw their marriage away to get one. An annulment is not a get out of jail free card to be used if your marriage is not going the way you hoped.

In addition, the OP didn’t mention if they already have the first planned child – if they do, would you really callously suggest that he cast off his wife and child, and find a better Catholic model? What would THAT say to the child as he or she is growing up and asking questions about why mommy and daddy aren’t married. and I can tell you as a child from a divorced household, divorce is NOT good for kids, and should be resorted to only in extreme circumstances, like abuse. One partner changing their mind about using birth control is not worth breaking up a family for. Do Catholics REALLY regard marriage this callously? And what about the poor wife? She did not go into her marriage thinking BC was going to be an issue, we don’t know what her employment situation is, would she be out on the street, hoping for alimony, when she had once been keeping house for her family. Feeling completely discarded because her husband’s views changed and he didn’t love her enough to work through it with her? That his love and devotion to her depends on how good of a Catholic she is?

This makes my own marriage, with my very loving, but non-devout husband who has to be coaxed to any church service, and sits through it out of love to me, more than devotion to God, feel much more holy. Thanks, I guess.

Yes, it is harsh. In my view, to the point of being uncharitable, and completely unchristian.

 

[Edward_H]

Be such a self giving and self forgetting husband, be such a cheerful father that over time she’ll be so warmed by God In you that she opens up to the truly rich life of abandonment to God’s will.

Do nothing in terms of contraception. Abstain HAPPILY if needed. Wine her dine her, make breakfast. Be so intent onmakingher the happiest person on earth.