Spouse Standards

  • Thread starter Thread starter LadyLillian
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

LadyLillian

Guest
Hello everyone! You can call me Lillian, and I joined this forum to ask you all a question.

I am discerning whether God is calling me to the Sacrament of Matrimony, and I have heard about the practice of creating Spouse Standards, a list of standards a sweetheart should mostly live up to before you say “I do”. Recently, I sat down and drafted one. Concerningly, it happens to be quite long. On the other hand, it is incredibly specific, listing absolutely everything I could think of that would be a deal-breaker for me, including points that many would consider “givens”. Also, I wrote it with the intention of being as genuine and mature as possible–all the points have to do with lifestyle, character and parenting. You will find no points such as “must be X height” or “must have X hobby” or “must be a virgin” on the list. Finally, there is nothing on the list I wouldn’t be willing to give back in return–as far as I’m concerned, if at the time of engagement or dating, I’m not living up to point X, I will not hold him to point X. And of course, I would be accepting of Mr. Date having a list, comparable to mine in length, for me to live up to.

Combined with those stipulations, what criticism or agreement do you hold with this list? Is it impossible? Outrageous? Unrealistic? Acceptable? Appropriate? I would appreciate your honest critique! Thank you! (The Spousal Standards are found in the subsequent posts due to the word count restrictions here.)
 
Last edited:
The Spousal Standards
  1. Free to marry (ex. Not priest or divorced without annulment)
  2. Baptized, Confirmed Catholic
  3. Fervent believer in the Catholic faith
  4. Goes to Mass every Sunday/Sat Night and on Holy Days of Obligation
  5. Goes to Confession at least once a year
  6. Has an established prayer life
  7. Possesses a love for Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament
  8. Can give an intelligent explanation of why he is Catholic
  9. Fluent in English
  10. No history of abuse
  11. Is not living a criminal lifestyle
  12. No current addiction to illegal drugs, alcohol or gambling
  13. Is someone I feel safe spending time with
  14. Maintains cleanliness
  15. Maintains freshness (ex. Addresses body odor and foul breath)
  16. Non-smoker or smoker willing to smoke only far away from me and his kids
  17. Free of certain contagious diseases/conditions that are serious/painful or transferable in birth
  18. Free of health conditions that would prohibit bonding
  19. Wants to live a modern life (electricity, technology, hospital births, etc.)
  20. Close to my age range (within mutual comfort)
  21. Can be at peace with some domestic disorganization
  22. Willing to use a budget and shop economically
  23. Willing to live in a cooler climate
  24. Willing to adopt
  25. Willing to practice Natural Family Planning
 
Last edited:
  1. Is happy living with dogs
  2. Willing to utilize schedules and plan ahead
  3. Compatible dietary lifestyles
  4. Responsible with finances
  5. In control of any debts
  6. Independently seeks guidance when faced with difficult dilemmas
  7. Serves the needy
  8. Strives to grow as a person
  9. Capable of deep, positive discussion
  10. Can address anger in healthy ways
  11. Does not explode in anger
  12. Values taking time for recreation and rejuvenation
  13. Does not excessively nag or complain
  14. Some similar hobbies
  15. Is willing to do some entertaining at home
  16. Willing to include some domestic conveniences into budget (ex. Disposable diapers)
  17. Is not obsessed with external appearance
  18. Can communicate clearly
  19. Has goals and drive to achieve goals
  20. Does not trash talk others socially
  21. Gentle
  22. Tender
  23. Respectful
  24. Loyal
  25. Faithful
 
  1. Honest in commitments and promises
  2. Supportive
  3. Encouraging
  4. Rational
  5. Logical
  6. Competent (ex. I can trust him with the baby, household tasks, etc.)
  7. Compassionate
  8. Hospitable
  9. Generous
  10. Confidential with secrets shared in confidence
  11. Personality is not intensely introverted
  12. Is kind towards animals
  13. Developed sense of self-identity
  14. Believer in gender equality
  15. Generally accepting of persons who challenge stereotypes
  16. Makes me smile
  17. Sees the authentic me and feels love for her
  18. Would not leave a marriage because of sexual dissatisfaction
  19. Does not dominate my heart (demand obedience, submission, reporting, etc.)
  20. I desire to be around
  21. Has been my friend for at least 18 months before courtship
  22. Has formally Defined The Relationship as Courting with me and has courted me for two years
  23. Honors my body
  24. Honors my femininity
  25. Willing to work through my phobias and traumas
  26. Willing to forgo receiving oral sex in marriage
  27. Willing to forgo sexual acts that are humiliating, alarming or painful for his wife in marriage
 
Last edited:
  1. Has participated in intensive marriage discernment with me
  2. Can have flowing, positive conversation with me for hours
  3. Makes me a better person/Christian/neighbor
  4. Welcomes my co-leadership in our relationship
  5. Sees my leadership and initiating predispositions in a positive light
  6. Prioritizes my physical and mental wellbeing over creating new children or adopting embryos
  7. Dedicated to being present in his children’s lives
  8. Believer in positive parenting
  9. Believer in nurturing parenting
  10. Believer in allowing children freedom and self-expression when safe and legal
  11. Believer in active parenting (allowing children to be involved in activities outside home)
  12. Opposed to corporal punishment of children and animals
  13. Prioritizes giving children a good education (ex. No unschooling)
  14. Willing to balance any travels with providing an uninterrupted school year for kids as he is able
  15. Strongly desires to raise his children in the Catholic Church
END

***In post 257 you will find an updated version of this list. Revisions are based on the feedback I’ve received here. 🙂
 
Last edited:
I think most of these sound reasonable. A lot of them are givens or would come up naturally as you get to know a man. I wouldn’t present this list to a potential partner as an actual physical list though not by any means bring up all of these points as discussion points early in the relationship.

That being said, I’m not sure about your relationship length requirements. Sure it’s important not to rush into marriage… but 1.5 years as platonic friends followed by 2 years dating? If it works out that way naturally, fine… but that seems arbitrarily long to me as a minimum standard. If there is mutual attraction, how do you intend to maintain the platonic friendship for such a long time without either of you moving on to someone else?
 
“I love his family” because you do marry his family.

Agree with @twf, I’d be flexible on those.

What about spirituality types? For me, I’d not have wanted to marry a Charismatic, no matter how Catholic he was because that is not my spiritual cup of tea.
 
Your list is pretty practical and basic.

There are a few that I think you should probably be a bit more leinant on.

Number 8: Not everyone is verbally gifted. My husband is a great Catholic for many reasons but he could NOT ever explain why verbally or in writing. Yet he truly lives it so it’s unmistakable

Numbers: 17. & 18. My husband knew marrying me that I issues with my cycle that meant they were incredibly painful. He also easily gets headaches from “loud” places–that can even mean after Mass. Also, you now have non-sexually aquired contagous things like Zika. So it may be good to reassess.

Number 21. I would of said this, too, before marriage. I am queen of the junk drawer and horizonal spral. Drives DH nuts. So I use my talents and he uses his and helps clean. The house is clean and I don’t actually care that it’s clean, I just don’t have the patience to do it that way. And he dosn’t mind making it look the way he wants at all so this is really something you might want to reconsider.

Number 22. I would caution you to not try to define things before marriage besides the idea of budget and economy. I lived on 35k a year with expensive college loans to pay off. I ate on something like 40 CENTS a day sometimes. My weekly food bill was never more than $20, usually about $12-15. I never ate out. My husband earned more than myself, put a ton into savings and spent about $30 a week on food and would eat out with co-workers once a week, so about $40. He was very “economical” but it was still twice what I spent. We have the same ideas about money, but the execution was VERY different due to the amount of money we earned.

Number 23. One can be willing to live in a cold climate all one wants, but both hubby and I recognize that there may be a time when we have to move for jobs. We’d avoid (because of his preference) hot places, but if that’s what we had to do for our family we would.

Number 24. Many people are not very knowlegeable on adoption. This is a conversation for sometime after the relationship is serous. I’m adopted and know LOADS more than my husband. We were somewhat open to adoption before we had our little ones…but both of us are now concerned with what goes on in fostercare adoptions and would never have the money for a private one–as well as feel as it’s slightly wrong to go overseas when US children are in need. So you might want to really examine this as a “requirment”
 
twf said:
If there is mutual attraction, how do you intend to maintain the platonic friendship for such a long time without either of you moving on to someone else?
Click to expand...
My idea was that getting to know a person as a friend, rather than getting to know someone in the midst of their best-foot-forward display and amidst bonding romantic rituals, could be a solid foundation for a marriage. I imagine if one of us was interested, we would approach the other, and either already have been friends, or mutually decide to spend 18 months as friends with no romance before beginning to court. Of course, if something changes down the road, these are just guidelines, the underlying point being don’t rush.

One thing I have always thought of though, is if he doesn’t want to give me three years of his time in marriage discernment, why would I expect him to stay with me and his kids for a lifetime?

The fact that research demonstrates the brain is clouded by love for approximately the first two years is where I came up my exact numbers. BBC NEWS | Health | Sex chemistry 'lasts two years'
 
Last edited:
Some of these standards are very vague. Developed sense of self-identity? I don’t know what that means. Believer of positive parenting and believer of nurturing parenting? Again what is that.
 
Oh my goodness there is more.

Number 27- 50. Many of these are vague.

Number 51-59. Again–vague.

Number 62. What do you mean by “kind?” Because the foxes in my area died we had an overrun of chipmunks. They are supposed to be 3-5 to an acre. We had about 30 to an acre. They were destroying everything–including our cars. We had to humanely exterminate them. It was not exactly “kind” to end their lives.

Number 66. This seems more about feeling than life. My husband, even when we dated, did not always “make me smile” yes, one should feel good in general, but emotionalism is not the end all be all

Number 71. & 72 Nothing wrong with this, but really, you are adults. Hubby and I met in Feb. We realized by the end of May that we wanted to commit to each other. We were engaged in October and married the following September. In reality, this was MORE than enough time.

The rest of the 70’s need to be discussed by you and your future spouse in the confines of marriage. Respect is one thing, actual acts are another.

Number 79. I married an engineer. There are no hours-long conversations. Yet we communicate nearly flawlessly. THAT is more important than how long.

Number 89. Up to you…but if you get a kid that thinks it’s funny to run in the road, who’s not yet really verbal sometimes it’s better they be scared of a slap on the heinie and of you because they don’t get that the cars could kill them,

Number 91. This is unrealistic today in most occupations. Hubby HAS to travel. He does as little as possible but it’s not optional. Even in my former job traveling wasn’t optional.
 
Allie1 said:
Some of these standards are very vague. Developed sense of self-identity? I don’t know what that means. Believer of positive parenting and believer of nurturing parenting? Again what is that.
Click to expand...
Developed sense of self-identity refers to knowing who you are, being at a stage in your life where you know your personality, what is important to you, what your main values are, etc. As I see it, if you marry someone who does not have self-identity, they might decide they want something other than you after they figure it out.

Believer in positive parenting refers to my desire to raise my children with an emphasis on being positive and uplifting.

Believer in nurturing parenting refers to my desire to raise my children with an emphasis on being nurturing and age-appropriately affectionate.
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
Number 62. What do you mean by “kind?” Because the foxes in my area died we had an overrun of chipmunks. They are supposed to be 3-5 to an acre. We had about 30 to an acre. They were destroying everything–including our cars. We had to humanely exterminate them. It was not exactly “kind” to end their lives.
Click to expand...
By kind I mean treating animals ethically and with compassion. Not taking pleasure in animal death or cruelty.
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
Number 89. Up to you…but if you get a kid that thinks it’s funny to run in the road, who’s not yet really verbal sometimes it’s better they be scared of a slap on the heinie and of you because they don’t get that the cars could kill them,
Click to expand...
#89 is actually the most important one on my list. I absolutely would not want to be with a man who thought it was acceptable to hit my child or my dog. Without judging others, I believe hitting children with the intention of causing pain is always seriously wrong and I see it as my job to protect/restrain children from the road until they are old enough to understand.
 
Lillian.―When you carry out your observations, I suggest you do it as unobtrusively as possible. I would never want to marry a woman who was watching me all the time like that.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top