Spouse Standards

[LadyLillian]

What if the man you meet has all these qualities but his spousal standard is flexability?

Good question.

I am happy to be flexible in regards to many aspects of a potential future relationship, daily life and parenting, so perhaps that man and I could fall for each other.

What I refuse to be flexible on are my morals and those things I believe are necessary for me to have a joyful, strong, lasting, holy marriage and family. If he wants me to be flexible on those aspects, I am not his future wife.

 

[LadyLillian]

Nice list there, I do think it’s really wise to set standards rather than accepting anyone you can get along with.

I have a suggestion though.

I think you should assign your points into categories like

A)No compromises (these are the points that must be fullified)

B)Exception (you have exception for certain situations here)

C)Optional (this one is your personal prefference but you are ok if he does not have it)

Thanks Baguette! Everything on the list I have posted belongs to the A) No Compromise category. I would welcome your suggestions if you feel any of these points belong in sections B) or C).

 

[LadyLillian]

For example, are you okay with imprinting on someone as a friend for a minimum of 18 months before you even consider them as future-husband material? Or what happens if he hits 90 of your 92 criteria, but he’s allergic to dog hair? etc.

Those are the kind of questions I am now reflecting on. As of today, I can’t imagine trusting a man enough to marry him without spending those 3.5 years discerning and bonding. Neither can I imagine living with a man who is allergic to my best friend and my baby, or never owning a puppy again after marriage.

 

[Maximilian75]

Dogs? even if your fiance/boyfriend/whatever has horrible allergies, or a very acute phobia of dogs, or bad memories of them… he has to love dogs?

 

[LadyLillian]

Dogs? even if your husband has horrible allergies, or a very acute phobia of dogs, or bad memories of them… he has to love dogs?

I am on the fence about this one being a required point, but as you see, I’m leaning towards keeping it. As I mentioned, I love my dog dearly and I can’t imagine never having another one in my life. I don’t think a courtship would go very far between myself and a man as you describe. But if I reflect further, and reach another conclusion, I shall remove it from my list. Of course, such a man may be a wonderful person, just not the right partner for me.

 

[Allie1]

Not only that, but they may have children who have pet allergies, which may require finding new homes for current pets, or forgo having a puppy.

 

[Maximilian75]

what if your dog dies before you begin your relationship? are you hard set on getting a new one?
and also, #39, how do you define ‘similar’? and #46? define? and you ask him in #75 to work through your phobias, but you wouldnt work through his, of dogs or otherwise?

I think this whole concept is very smart… but maybe a little too narrow?

 

[Crusaderbear]

Forgot up to date on all his shots and vaccinations…

 

[LadyLillian]

Not only that, but they may have children who have pet allergies, which may require finding new homes for current pets, or forgo having a puppy.

That would be awful.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Maximilian75:

Dogs? even if your husband has horrible allergies, or a very acute phobia of dogs, or bad memories of them… he has to love dogs?

I am on the fence about this one being a required point, but as you see, I’m leaning towards keeping it. As I mentioned, I love my dog dearly and I can’t imagine never having another one in my life. I don’t think a courtship would go very far between myself and a man as you describe. But if I reflect further, and reach another conclusion, I shall remove it from my list. Of course, such a man may be a wonderful person, just not the right partner for me.

As another person stated. You shouldn’t put too much weight on animals. I have a friend with 7 children. She has had cats since she was a child. She LOVES her cats. Then her 5yo developed an allergy. in a years time, he went from being “a little” allergic to full-on asthma attacks.

The cats were not more important than her child. Yet what did the ASPCA tell her? “give your child more allergy medicine” and they guilt-tripped her for abandoning her “first babies”

She had to be strong enough to be able to stand up for her child. If you cannot do that, you are not ready for marriage.

 

[LadyLillian]

what if your dog dies before you begin your relationship? are you hard set on getting a new one?

and also, #39, how do you define ‘similar’?

and #46? define?

and you ask him in #75 to work through your phobias, but you wouldnt work through his, of dogs or otherwise?

I think this whole concept is very smart… but maybe a little too narrow?

It is honestly something I need to ponder further.

I am merely referring to having some common interests that we both enjoy and can bond over in #39.

#46, gentle, as in generally not rough or harsh

#75 Excellent point. I will have to change that one. I was specifically thinking of a few specific fears I have pertaining to marriage. I would of course be happy to support my husband and help him work through any phobias he has–I simply do not believe a man who could not have dogs in his life would be my husband.

Thank you for your feedback! I will take that into consideration.

 

[Allie1]

I had to give a dog away when I had my son. My dogs issue was that even though we got him when he was a puppy. He was an adult dog when my child came along and his breed was a herding dog. Even though He was a good dog, He had never been around a child and hence did not know how to behave around them, I absolutely drew a hard line in the sand that my dog needed to find a new home when he would try to herd my child. Which some people think could be cute, but I found terrifying for the safety of my child. I think the whole living with dog thing needs to be put in a flexible category…sometimes and some circumstances require even good dogs that youve owned for a long time a new home.

 

[LadyLillian]

You shouldn’t put too much weight on animals.

It seems we may have different ideas about our responsibilities towards our pets.

She had to be strong enough to be able to stand up for her child. If you cannot do that, you are not ready for marriage.

But perhaps you are right, and I would indeed be happier remaining single with my furry friends. Another thing to consider.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Those are the kind of questions I am now reflecting on. As of today, I can’t imagine trusting a man enough to marry him without spending those 3.5 years discerning and bonding. Neither can I imagine living with a man who is allergic to my best friend and my baby, or never owning a puppy again after marriage.

I’m trying to find a delicate way to say this.

From experience, I’m pretty sure God did not intend two healthy adults who have no mental illness and live in close proximity (ie apartments across town from each other) to simply “be friends” for 2+ years.

It gets hard WAY faster than you think.

The conventional graces you get with marriage are no joke. My husband and I would not be together if we had dated for 3.5+ years. Once you make an adult decision to pursue a relationship with the hope of marriage, and you are properly disposed, it doesn’t take long to answer those basic questions. Again the FOCCUS test helps with that

Again, if you have issues to work through, you may need time–but I don’t think you understand the disadvantage you are putting on yourself. God’s graces for Marriage are REAL.

 

[LadyLillian]

From experience, I’m pretty sure God did not intend two healthy adults who have no mental illness and live in close proximity (ie apartments across town from each other) to simply “be friends” for 2+ years.

It gets hard WAY faster than you think.

The conventional graces you get with marriage are no joke. My husband and I would not be together if we had dated for 3.5+ years. Once you make an adult decision to pursue a relationship with the hope of marriage, and you are properly disposed, it doesn’t take long to answer those basic questions. Again the FOCCUS test helps with that

Again, if you have issues to work through, you may need time–but I don’t think you understand the disadvantage you are putting on yourself. God’s graces for Marriage are REAL.

Thanks for your perspective.

I would definitely want to take the FOCCUS test btw, it seems like a great tool.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

It seems we may have different ideas about our responsibilities towards our pets.

Pets are pets. If we commit to caring for them, we should do it to the best of our abilities. But they do not come before humans.

But perhaps you are right, and I would indeed be happier remaining single with my furry friends. Another thing to consider.

Yeah, if you think even for a moment, you would put the health or feelings of your spouse or children after a pet, that’s a major red flag. Not on the guy’s part.

My husband is not a dog person. He tolerates my dog. But he is good and gentle.

When we got chicks they were supposed to stay in the unheated shed with their heat lamp. Then it was the basement (he thought the shed would be too cold). Then it was the back room (basement isn’t heated after all). And then somehow they ended up in the living room basking in the glow of the fireplace.

And where was one of the cute fuzzbuts less than 12 hours after being “home”? Curled up sleeping on my husband’s chest.

Yet, he really doesn’t care for animals.

I’ll miss not having a dog when mine passes (she’ll be 12 in spring of next year). We have no plans to get another. It won’t be the right time for us. And it’s a sacrifice that I’m willing to make. My family…including my husband’s comfort level…comes first. It always will.

He has admitted that maybe after we’re done diapers and assisting with wiping butts then perhaps we’ll get another if it continues to be truly important to me.

And with the amount of poop I now deal with on a daily basis…as much as I love my dog…I think I agree. I spend more time dealing with poop some days than I do anything else.

 

[LadyLillian]

Number 27- 50. Many of these are vague.

Number 51-59. Again–vague.

Many of the points on the list are purposefully vague because I expect any given individual might live out this quality in a different way. As long as he possesses that quality, I am not making further demands.

 

[LadyLillian]

And it’s a sacrifice that I’m willing to make. My family…including my husband’s comfort level…comes first. It always will.

My dog is a part of my family.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Many of the points on the list are purposefully vague because I expect any given individual might live out this quality in a different way.

But then they really aren’t a “standard”

By definition a standard is an established rule/authoritative demarcation of something fo it’s quantity, quality, value or weight.

 

[LadyLillian]

Yeah, if you think even for a moment, you would put the health or feelings of your spouse or children after a pet, that’s a major red flag. Not on the guy’s part.

I would not put my spouse or kids after my pet. I would seek to find balance. Just as I would try to balance a conflict between two human family members.