Spouse Standards

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Allie1 said:
In that there is no inward reflection of yourself and your obligations and standards to hold yourself up for your potential spouse. Because this needs to be thoroughly contemplated and dwelled on as well.
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One further comment on this: This list is specifically about my standards for my husband. It’s not meant to include my standards for myself or his standards for (which I cannot write). Yet I wanted to point out one specific line in the OP.

“Finally, there is nothing on the list I wouldn’t be willing to give back in return–as far as I’m concerned, if at the time of engagement or dating, I’m not living up to point X, I will not hold him to point X.”

Granted, there are many things I would add to my list besides.
 
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LadyLillian said:
Honors my body
Honors my femininity
Willing to work through my phobias and traumas
Willing to forgo receiving oral sex in marriage
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73+74: What dou you except him to do? 🤨
75: If works means accept, ok. But working as therapy, I would say no. It´s a job for a therapist, not a spouse. I am happy my fiancé cannot really understand every traumatic scene of my past.
76 If it , well, ends not sinful, it´s not a big issue, it is something I would simply not discuss. I would feel strange talking in detail at the start of a relationship about this.
 
LadyLillian said:
One further comment on this: This list is specifically about my standards for my husband. It’s not meant to include my standards for myself or his standards for (which I cannot write). Yet I wanted to point out one specific line in the OP.

“Finally, there is nothing on the list I wouldn’t be willing to give back in return–as far as I’m concerned, if at the time of engagement or dating, I’m not living up to point X, I will not hold him to point X.”

Granted, there are many things I would add to my list besides.
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I will reiterate what I said, this exercise is incomplete. It reads like a big a shopping list for your spouse. And furthermore, you state that you are inflexible on all of these points unless you yourself can not hold up to them. Which for some of these points is illogical. This idea that your husband gets a free pass to misbehave if you misbehave is not healthy. If your husband is unkind…that does not give you a free pass to be unkind…if your husband is unloyal that does not give you a free pass to be unloyal. And vice versa. I myself also demand faithfulness from my spouse, however, I do not get a free pass to be unfaithful if he is unfaithful to me. Behaving well, should not be contingent on how well someone else behaves.

It takes 2 people to enter into marriage, a man and woman. Sure, Youve created a big list of demands for another person to fulfill for you, as a husband. But you are not reflecting on how you will act on your role as a wife in your vocation. You’re own husband doesnt need to give you a list to contemplate on your wifely role, you can do that on your own. How will you live out your vocation in your marriage…What obligations will you demand on yourself for your household? What vices do you need to work on? What virtues will you demand of yourself to bring to your marriage?
 
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If you find this paragon, please ask if he has a brother…
 
One of the most interesting, and amusing, posts I have ever read on this forum. As to observations.
One: you are the absolute epitome of the flip side of the adage that opposites attract. (Though I find all your criteria about a man being a strong and faithful Catholic, dead on.)
Two: Most of your replies are from female members and are consistent. Many of the replies from the few men that comment are also consistent. Women seem to generally think you are being judicious, Men seem to think you are overly restrictive (or maybe demanding) in you criteria. That said, you have a right to your wishes and needs. That goes without saying.
I believe when making an important decision such as this, it is wise to make a T table; a horizontal line across the top and a vertical line down the middle. On the left column put down those things that are vital, on the right, those that are nice to have. I think your quest would be better served by this. And the left column would not have more than 24 items. (someone said to combine some of your needs - a good observation.)
It has been my observation that in a good marriage, one must, everyday, choose to love and stay married to one’s spouse. Success doesn’t happen automatically. And that success is dependent on accepting the other, virtues and failings together. Ask yourself, are you looking for a marriage partner with whom you will live and breathe with the same goals and ambitions, or are you looking for a commodity that you can and will control in your daily comings and goings?
I guess I could go on but much of what I think has in some ways already been said. I wish you well and will say a prayer that you find the good and worthy Catholic man you seek. And please don’t take offense - this in not meant to be offensive - but if I were presented with such a list, I would definitely look elsewhere.
 
A thought, or maybe a question, occurred to me after my above post. And I ask this question sincerely, not to be facetious, as I wonder if another man is thinking the same thing…

Hypothetically, If I met all your criteria, except, I didn’t like dogs, would that disqualify me? In other words, to you, is a dog more important in your life than a husband?

Just wondering.
 
All of them are reasonable, but “gender equality” and “no corporal punishment” stand out to me as red flags.
 
Also, “Co-leadership” may be odd… As has been brought up, what if you and him are dead set against each other? which one of you has the veto power, so to speak? I have always heard that that was the husband, but I can be corrected…
 
Allie1 said:
This idea that your husband gets a free pass to misbehave if you misbehave is not healthy.
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I don’t believe one spouse gets a free pass if the other is sinning. I merely meant I would not refuse to marry a person on the grounds he struggled with a sin I also struggled with. There is a difference.

Thank you for your insight!
 
joeybaggz said:
I wish you well and will say a prayer that you find the good and worthy Catholic man you seek. And please don’t take offense - this in not meant to be offensive - but if I were presented with such a list, I would definitely look elsewhere.
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Thank you for your prayer and feedback!
 
joeybaggz said:
Hypothetically, If I met all your criteria, except, I didn’t like dogs, would that disqualify me? In other words, to you, is a dog more important in your life than a husband?

Just wondering.
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Right now, I have a dog whom I love very much. She is my best friend and played a huge role in helping me overcome a period of depression years ago. She was there for me every night I cried myself to sleep. I would not abandon her to date a man who couldn’t stand to be with her.

After she dies, I feel really conflicted about entering a long term relationship with a man who would never want to have a dog. I might not be able to answer that until my dog is no longer here. But I would try very hard to be open-minded. It would be a lot easier for me if he was welcome to the idea of some other pet, such as a cat.
 
Maximilian75 said:
Also, “Co-leadership” may be odd… As has been brought up, what if you and him are dead set against each other? which one of you has the veto power, so to speak? I have always heard that that was the husband, but I can be corrected…
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Specifically how we would split the ability to make final calls is something I would have to work out with my husband. I have heard of couples splitting this up in terms of a timeline, in terms of specific issues, in terms of who is most impacted by the decision, by chance, etc. These are all options we could consider.
 
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joeybaggz said:
Ask yourself, are you looking for a marriage partner with whom you will live and breathe with the same goals and ambitions, or are you looking for a commodity that you can and will control in your daily comings and goings?
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I can honestly say I would never want to control my partner. I would want to encourage and respect him as he makes his way in the world.

I realize my list may be too extreme, That is why I am seeking feedback, to make it into what it should be. I can also honestly say I only have this list at all because I know how many marriages end in divorce, and I’ve seen married couples remain together while their differences emotionally tear them apart, causing great anguish, especially for the children. My hope is that a list like this, made before I meet a man and am blinded by love, can help me to avoid such tragedies.

If we are a truly compatible match, surely that will give our marriage and our children the best possible chance.
 
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I can honestly say I would never want to control my partner. I would want to encourage and respect him as he makes his way in the world.

I realize my list may be too extreme, That is why I am seeking feedback, to make it into what it should be. I can also honestly say I only have this list at all because I know how many marriages end in divorce, and I’ve seen married couples remain together while their differences emotionally tear them apart, causing great anguish, especially for the children. My hope is that a list like this, made before I meet a man and am blinded by love, can help me to avoid such tragedies.
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Appreciate your replies and the thought you have put, not only into them, but also into your list. On balance, I think what you are doing is far smarter than most people who go into a marriage with ill defined expectations. Again, I think you could consolidate much of what you are looking for into a solid description of a good and faithful Catholic man.

And again, just from a male POV, the fact that you have so many expectations and demands, makes me think you tend to be inflexible, and from my experience, flexibility in a marriage is important. (And I don’t mean flexibility as in abandoning your core values, but rather that ability to accept and adapt to idiosyncrasies in a man that might be described as irritating, but definitely not a deal breaker.)

And just curious (and you definitely don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to) but I would be curious to know how old you are. (And yes, I know that is a question on does not ask a lady 😉😉)
 
The Book of Genesis says the woman was made out of the man’s rib, his side, not his foot or out of his head.

A woman is subject to her husband’s authority (responsibility), not under or inferior to every man, and that authority is to protect and provide and cherish (to make her feel loved) as Christ loves His bride, the church. Jesus died for his bride, to save her.

The wife should respect her husband’s authority and not try to usurp his responsibility.

There is equal dignity there.
 
Extensive doesn’t mean extreme. I wouldn’t come close to fitting your list but I still think it’s wise to lay out what you expect and be honest about it. If you won’t be fully invested in a guy who doesm’t have these qualities than it is good to filter out the guys who don’t have those qualities.
 
joeybaggz said:
And again, just from a male POV, the fact that you have so many expectations and demands, makes me think you tend to be inflexible, and from my experience, flexibility in a marriage is important. (And I don’t mean flexibility as in abandoning your core values, but rather that ability to accept and adapt to idiosyncrasies in a man that might be described as irritating, but definitely not a deal breaker.)

And just curious (and you definitely don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to) but I would be curious to know how old you are. (And yes, I know that is a question on does not ask a lady 😉😉)
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I will be sure to keep that in mind! I appreciate the specific number of 24 things–that’s a concrete number I can work towards. 🙂

I’m 20.
 
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