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LadyLillian
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God Bless you as well!
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Ahhhhhh…joeybaggz:
I will be sure to keep that in mind!And again, just from a male POV, the fact that you have so many expectations and demands, makes me think you tend to be inflexible, and from my experience, flexibility in a marriage is important. (And I don’t mean flexibility as in abandoning your core values, but rather that ability to accept and adapt to idiosyncrasies in a man that might be described as irritating, but definitely not a deal breaker.)
And just curious (and you definitely don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to) but I would be curious to know how old you are. (And yes, I know that is a question on does not ask a lady)
I’m 20.
…that explains much.
I believe another poster, a guy, on here is also 20 and has his own such “qualifications” for being married.
I can totally see a 20yo writing this list.
I can also see that same person lauging at this list when they are finally married at 30.
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LadyLillian
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Do you have a link to that thread? I would like to read it.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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He didn’t make a list as this one. We just read it through his frequent posts.Xanthippe_Voorhees:
Do you have a link to that thread? I would like to read it.
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LadyLillian
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Ah, I understand.
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LadyLillian
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73+74: What dou you except him to do?
75: If works means accept, ok. But working as therapy, I would say no. It´s a job for a therapist, not a spouse. I am happy my fiancé cannot really understand every traumatic scene of my past.
76 If it , well, ends not sinful, it´s not a big issue, it is something I would simply not discuss. I would feel strange talking in detail at the start of a relationship about this.
- refers to not manhandling me, not being physically abusive and approaching martial intimacy/affection/flirting out of love rather than lust or violence
- refers to seeing femininity as something essentially good and not having the attitude that femininity is inferior, weak, pathetic, etc.
- could be better written as, “Understands how certain elements of my past affect me and my ability to be in relationship” and “Willing to stand by me while I address parts of my past that impede our relationship” No, I certainly would not expect my husband to be my therapist, even if he was licensed! I see value in having a third-party in such matters.
- I only include this because I have read numerous Spousal Lists written by men which state their wife must be willing to have oral sex. I would not discuss this at the start of a relationship either. Rather, I think the time to discuss it is, to a minimal amount, well within a courtship, before an engagement, and more so after the wedding.
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JoshuaIsLord
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That was what I was thinking. We have a few of those at our Parish.
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Milt
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You beat me to suggesting that.
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LadyLillian
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@PaulfromIowa and @JoshuaIsLord
I can understand how such a list would be alarming if presented while dating. I certainly wouldn’t post it on a CatholicMatch profile!
Rather, it is something I would take to God in Adoration (after I have edited it based on your suggestions) and ask for His Blessing and insight. Eventually, if I began dating it would be a list I would refer to as I was considering the integrity of a person while I was blinded by love. And if we were to begin discussing engagement, I would use it as a reference to make sure we had already discussed the various points of potential conflict.
I would not ever say, “Fill out this test, if you fail, you’re out”, or go on a date and say, “These are my standards, here is your copy”.
I can understand how such a list would be alarming if presented while dating. I certainly wouldn’t post it on a CatholicMatch profile!
Rather, it is something I would take to God in Adoration (after I have edited it based on your suggestions) and ask for His Blessing and insight. Eventually, if I began dating it would be a list I would refer to as I was considering the integrity of a person while I was blinded by love. And if we were to begin discussing engagement, I would use it as a reference to make sure we had already discussed the various points of potential conflict.
I would not ever say, “Fill out this test, if you fail, you’re out”, or go on a date and say, “These are my standards, here is your copy”.
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Allie1
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This is very very good. However, as with all big things, from my personal experience, God probably won’t answer your intentions according to your list of 100 things. He may give you a good man to marry that is an extreme introvert, with a strict dietary restrictions to gluten and is lactose intolerant …and that is how God may answers prayers.
Kind of like me, I had big plans for a big Catholic family, I wanted at a minimum 8 kids. That was my plan for my life list of what I wanted. And that had been my prayer, I would bring this prayer to the Lord before him in adoration. Dear Lord, bless my home with lots of children. After 8 years of marriage, and numerous prayers before the tabernacle. I was blessed with 1 son, who will likely be my only child. However, my one son is the answer to my prayers, because my one real son brings so much more life and joy than any 10 hypothetical sons could.
So too it may be with you…the one man God has in mind for you, that you pray for. May be allergic to dogs, and his best job prospects may be in the warm climates. Just be prepared to accept God’s answer to your prayers just not in the precise way that you want him to.
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JoshuaIsLord
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I showed this to my wife…her response is “WTF”
Me “Control Freak?”
Her “Yes, without a doubt.”
We have been married 34 years. We have had our ups and downs. It is part of life.
Me “Control Freak?”
Her “Yes, without a doubt.”
We have been married 34 years. We have had our ups and downs. It is part of life.
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LadyLillian
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I’m sorry to hear I give you that impression. Thanks for your feedback. Congrats on your 34 years!
Is there anything specific you find flawed in the list? The sheer number of points? Certain points themselves?
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JoshuaIsLord
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There is, but the wife is calling me to bed. Work in morning and funeral in the afternoon. I will try to get back to you on this tommrrow.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Give the OP a break.
She’s 20.
These days that means she’s either in college or just gotten out on her own if she isn’t still living under her parent’s roof.
I’m sure we’d hear a totally different story and list if she was 30. Heck, by 25 and with some real, solid life experience under her belt, I’m betting we’d hear a different story.
We were all 20 once. We all thought we knew everything and were able to control so many things that aren’t even remotely controllable. Can you really sit here and tell me that you didn’t have some really silly notions at 20?
Everyone’s a perfect spouse until they are married and everyone is a perfect parent until they have kids. That’s just the way life works.
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LadyLillian
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Thanks, I think.Give the OP a break.
She’s 20.
These days that means she’s either in college or just gotten out on her own if she isn’t still living under her parent’s roof.
I’m sure we’d hear a totally different story and list if she was 30. Heck, by 25 and with some real, solid life experience under her belt, I’m betting we’d hear a different story.
We were all 20 once. We all thought we knew everything and were able to control so many things that aren’t even remotely controllable. Can you really sit here and tell me that you didn’t have some really silly notions at 20?
Everyone’s a perfect spouse until they are married and everyone is a perfect parent until they have kids. That’s just the way life works.
I’m in college atm.For the record, though, I don’t think I know everything–that’s why I am asking for feedback.
I know I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect others to be perfect. Granted, maybe I am expecting too much of my spouse. But it’s true I lack life experience.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Whether you like it or not a 100-point list that basically outlines every point about a future spouse is a bit of “know it all ism” You are not only setting out things you expect out of the other person but things that you expect out of your own life that you can never know.Thanks, I think.
For the record, though, I don’t think I know everything–that’s why I am asking for feedback.
Yes, you have some very good points on your list–but when listing 100 things, I’d hope you’d get a few “right”.
Many of the things on these lists that others and myself have pointed out as folly are things that we learned that you can’t control. Pets, living location, child-rearing tactics even things regarding sexual intimacy— you may think you know how you’ll feel for the rest of your life, but life doesn’t work that way. You can’t predict allergies, you can’t predict jobs, you can’t predict children and you can’t predict how your sexual relationship will be fulfilled within marriage by another.
But you are young. You are still figuring out who you are. You have not yet held a full-time job for a few years and had no-one to fall back on but yourself. That will change your perspective and deepen your understanding of the world and relationships.
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LadyLillian
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I’m looking forward to acquiring that wisdom you speak of that comes with age.
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DarkLight
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I know this is a little old, but there are some of us who have or are limiting contact with family. Heck, one of my criterion is “doesn’t pressure me overmuch in how I relate to my family.”
I wouldn’t immediately rule out someone who has a less than ideal family, so long as they relate to them appropriately for the situation.
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LittleFlower
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The whole list paints the very alarming and sad picture that you have had traumatic experiences in your dating life or have been subjected to abuse.
As I said in my previous post, it screams like someone who is trying to control every aspect of their life. This is not dissimilar to many women who have been through past abuse.
If this is the case, which I truely hope it isn’t, I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist.
No list this long, or with so many ifs, buts, or whens is healthy.
Not to include something on a list, because many men enjoy it and like to receive it is also worrisome. If you genuinely do not enjoy it, then it would naturally not happen and could be communicated as such—if you have yourself a fine and respectable young man.
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alice24
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This. I would not marry my fiancé´s family, dealing with them in a proper way seems good enough for me.
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