Spouse Standards

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LittleFlower said:
I only include this because I have read numerous Spousal Lists written by men which state their wife must be willing to have oral sex.

Not to include something on a list, because many men enjoy it and like to receive it is also worrisome. If you genuinely do not enjoy it, then it would naturally not happen and could be communicated as such—if you have yourself a fine and respectable young man.
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I was a bit irritated that at least anyone makes lists with this topic on it. For me, it seems natural that I won´t have to “deal” with sexual acts I don´t want to get involved in, only with saying “I don´t like it, please stop”. If I have to write it down before marriage, I tend to think my wish is not enough to get respect. I have a history of sexual violence in my past, and I thought similar some years ago and relaized later that the wish to set those standards clear before a marriage was part of my bad experiences, so I wish the OP to be careful with herself, of course.
The idea of men setting this on their list would be an no-go for me. I am glad I don´t know such men. Fiancé and me talked about major sexual attractions as marriage burden, for example somen´s dealing with a sexual fetish or something like this. As I know there is nothing like this in our lives, I am ok with experiecing the rest by time and pleasure.
 
Perhaps jumping to conclusions and drawing unnessary attention to speculation may not the kindest way to go here.
 
TechieGuy said:
Thank goodness my wife didn’t have a list like that before we met, is all I can say!
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The first time I met my wife not only did I fail at any list she may have had, but would have failed anyone else’s list written or not.

I was being rude, crude, and socially unacceptable that night as well as being rather drunk.

She ended up pulling out the top of my shirt and pouring her drink down my chest.

It took me a long time to dig myself out of that hole, but I did and we have been married just shy of forty years.
 
My advice is get rid of that list. Tear it up, throw it out, never revisit it. It’s not that there is anything wrong with wanting those things. The problem is that you are making it all about you and what you want.

I said this on a different thread: What if you try a different approach? Start meeting, really getting to know and caring about all people, but particularly those who, in your widest stretch of the imagination, could be potential mates. Don’t worry about getting married. Don’t worry about them as a potential spouse. Worry about finding people to love and care about as friends, collaborators, confidants, helpers, people who need help, etc. One of them will rise to the surface as a mate if you have an open mind.

Also, keep your “want list” for a mate to as few, really important things as you can. That is not compromising. That is focusing on what is important. Trust me, all that stuff you think you want in a mate has to go out the window after marriage. That’s when the real work begins.
 
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When the family of origin is estranged, that might be difficult for some spouses. You do marry the family and or the estrangement 🙂
 
I admit, it greatly confuses me how many of you feel I am coming off as controlling.

I see being extremely discerning about who you marry and controlling who you marry as vastly different ballparks. I would never want to control the person I marry. I would want to support and encourage him in any endeavor he sets out on.
 
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alice24 said:
For me, it seems natural that I won´t have to “deal” with sexual acts I don´t want to get involved in, only with saying “I don´t like it, please stop”.
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Absolutely, anyone, including a spouse, always has the right to say no.

But individuals with specific sexual preferences may find it a marriage deal breaker if their partner is unwilling to do XYZ. I would see it as cruel and a very bad idea to never talk about this before marriage, opening the possibility for a newlywed to come to the realization the person he/she married has incompatible intimacy preferences.
 
But by creating this list of “standards” is controlling. Especially in how many standards you have. By keeping careful watch on The List, you may miss the perfectly imperfect man God sends you.

I realize you are only 20 and have a great deal of life to live and learn. With this list I see you wanting to control not only who you marry but the marriage itself. Why not just trust God. You’ll get a much better result in trusting Him rather than trusting your list.
 
LadyLillian said:
I admit, it greatly confuses me how many of you feel I am coming off as controlling.

I see being extremely discerning about who you marry and controlling who you marry as vastly different ballparks. I would never want to control the person I marry. I would want to support and live him in any endeavor he sets out on.
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You are “controlling” in the sense you are trying to “write” a person into existence. Your list seems more like what an author would do when trying to when defining a character than what one sould reasonably expect out of another person.
 
Maybe I am actually called to the single life. shrug I could be happy with that. 😀
 
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LadyLillian said:
Maybe I am actually called to the single life. shrug I could be happy with that. 😀
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You’re 20 and in college. It’s very likely God is calling you to the single life at this time. I’m of the opinion that a student should be a student first. Dating while in college just takes away from the experience.

Again. Graduate. Hold a real job. Live on your own with no backup cafeteria or any “safety” nets.

During that time you should have a better understanding on how to discern your vocation. Rememeber, single, married or religious, it’s a vocation. A moment-by-moment yes to God.
 
Lillian: The two things are different. But what you should be extremely discerning about is who the person is, not your list of mostly superficial “I wants.” There is an old saying, “A woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right, but she is more often left (alone).” I think the better approach is to find a good person who you come to love and want to be with. If you must use your list, use it then, but not as a disqualifier, as a list of things the two of you need to talk about and get straight on.

Also, someone who checks every one of your boxes up front is not guaranteed to check off everything you want, or will want, after marriage. A guy who is too good to be true, probably is not true. Marriage is a relationship, not a set of requirements. A spouse is a person, not a set of requirements.

Also, do you check off every item that a guy could have on his list? Be honest. If you think you are that perfect, you may want to take second look. If you are not perfect, don’t expect your ideal mate to be. You are not being discerning, you are trying to create a perfect situation where that is not possible. You are trying to eliminate the risk, vulnerability and hard work that is inherent in the process of finding a mate. It can’t be done and even attempting it may send you in the wrong direction.
 
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No one here is saying you shouldn’t get married. Many of us are saying it takes two to have a marriage. What we are seeing from you is the concept that it only takes one in charge, the other as an aside. This mostly comes from your age. In 5-10 years you most likely will have a completely different outlook on things.
 
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I have never heard the word “discerning” as much as I have on these forums. I appreciate rational discussion making but sometimes it seems more like an excuse for inaction; like, if x, y, and z conditions are met then and only then must it be the thing for me.

Life doesn’t work like that. It’s messy, you make mistakes, you don’t make mistakes and stuff still doesn’t go as planned. When you add another person into it things get more messy. Add children SO MUCH MESSY. In that mess, though, that’s also where you find all the love, joy and purpose. In that mess is where God is dwelling.
 
jfz178 said:
Be honest. If you think you are that perfect, you may want to take second look
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I will never be perfect. I don’t expect anyone else to be perfect. I don’t meet those spouse standards yet, which is why I am not yet pursuing marriage. I have more standards for myself than the ones I list for my future husband. And as I state in the OP, I would not hold my boyfriend to a standard I have not mastered. So if I was to begin dating, and I stopped meeting X, I would not expect him to meet X before our engagement.
jfz178 said:
I think the better approach is to find a good person who you come to love and want to be with. If you must use your list, use it then, but not as a disqualifier, as a list of things the two of you need to talk about and get straight on.
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I love this idea!
jfz178 said:
Also, someone who checks every one of your boxes up front is not guaranteed to check off everything you want, or will want, after marriage.
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Unfortunately I can never know before the wedding what I will want after. So I simply have to do my best. I based my standards off of things such as the most common reasons for divorce (finances is #1) that I hope are objectively informative.
 
jfz178 said:
your list of mostly superficial “I wants.
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You truly think it is full of superficial wants? 😔

With the exception of one or two points which I was too conflicted over to exclude from draft one, I truly included only what I thought we would need to have a holy, lasting, safe marriage and family. I suppose you think it’s my age.
 
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I don’t think you are controlling. You just added details of what a loving Catholic spouse would be your ideal.

As I said upthread, I did questionnaires,and things like this when I was a young adult.

I also did a breakdown of what kind of house I wanted to live in too how many rooms, decorated each in my head and things like that.

Things like this help in discovering yourself.🌼🌼🌼
 
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