Spouse Standards

[LadyLillian]

But then they really aren’t a “standard”

By definition a standard is an established rule/authoritative demarcation of something fo it’s quantity, quality, value or weight.

Things like ‘gentle’ and ‘loyal’ are objective standards to me.

 

[LadyLillian]

Numbers: 17. & 18. My husband knew marrying me that I issues with my cycle that meant they were incredibly painful. He also easily gets headaches from “loud” places–that can even mean after Mass. Also, you now have non-sexually aquired contagous things like Zika. So it may be good to reassess.

I would agree. I have edited those on my master copy.

“Free of certain contagious diseases/conditions that are serious/painful or transferable in birth (case specific)
Free of health conditions that would prohibit bonding (case specific)”

 

[LadyLillian]

Number 23. One can be willing to live in a cold climate all one wants, but both hubby and I recognize that there may be a time when we have to move for jobs. We’d avoid (because of his preference) hot places, but if that’s what we had to do for our family we would.

I have edited this as well.

“Willing to live in a cooler climate if feasible”

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

My dog is a part of my family.

Animals MUST always come second to human lives. Want to call them family? Well, they are still (or should be) seen as needs inferior to the needs of humans. That dosn’t mean it’s ok to mistreat them. It’s just important to understand who always has to come first.

I would not put my spouse or kids after my pet. I would seek to find balance. Just as I would try to balance a conflict between two human family members.

In the end, you need to understand humans come first. If your dog keeps biting your toddler and you can’t afford to shell out another 3k for obedience lessons for a second time, the dog has to go. If your toddler keeps biting his or her sibling that’s a different ball of wax. There is only so much you can do with a dog.

Things like ‘gentle’ and ‘loyal’ are objective standards to me.

I don’t think you understand what “objective standard” means by definition. It has to have criteria.

 

[LadyLillian]

I am going to leave our animal disagreements as is. I think we know where we stand.

 

[Allie1]

The catechism of the Catholic church States in 1605 - Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: "It is not good that the man should be alone."92 The woman, “flesh of his flesh,” his equal, his nearest in all things, is given to him by God as a “helpmate”; she thus represents God from whom comes our help.

I would say that though your list is extensive, for your future spouse, to me it seems incomplete. In that there is no inward reflection of yourself and your obligations and standards to hold yourself up for your potential spouse. Because this needs to be thoroughly contemplated and dwelled on as well. To this day, after 17 years of marriage I still pray for God’s guidance on living my vocation as my husband’s wife, his helpmate. My intentions during my Rosary to this day still ask for guidance for myself on being a good wife for my husband.

So, now that you’ve made a list of standards for your future husband…sit down and pray and contemplate and write down standards for yourself. That is equal to the standards that you are listing for your husband. How will you be his helpmate? What virtues will you demand of yourself to holdup within your marriage?

 

[LadyLillian]

So, now that you’ve made a list of standards for your future husband…sit down and pray and contemplate and write down standards for yourself. That is equal to the standards that you are listing for your husband. How will you be his helpmate? What virtues will you demand of yourself to holdup within your marriage?

Thank you! That is an excellent idea!

 

[Greenfields]

Friends of mine talked a lot about their pets before babies came along ,that righted very quickly once they did and hardly have a mention

 

[JetteZ]

Ha, I might have been one of these friends! We had beagles, rescued beagles, and did a lot of volunteer work for a beagle rescue… then we had kids. We kept our 2 dogs and treated them as best we were able but their pecking order for our time was greatly diminished. We recently put one to sleep and have no intention on filling her spot.

Life changes and those experiences change your priorities. Pets happen to be one aspect of our lives many of us have recognized where we had to change.

Lists like this don’t have a lot of value for me. It is either a false sense of control because you simply can’t control life like that OR it is unhealthy to maintain that kind of rigidity.

but I’m not you. Lists like this may be what you need and I simply don’t understand that need. My type A friends don’t always get me either

 

[LadyLillian]

We recently put one to sleep

My condolences for your loss. Years ago, I had to euthanize my cat when he started suffering from terminal illness, so I know how awful it can be.

 

[JetteZ]

Thank you, she was our first baby; like, we have professional photos of her and her “sister” (the beagle who is still with us) level of family. As she aged she started to act unsafe and when it escalated to growling and snapping at the baby through the baby gate we had to make a decision for the safety of everyone in the house, including her. We had been taking her to the vet throughout and the vet was in full agreement that it was time.

I cried more making that decision and walking thru it than when my grandmother died. So, anyway, all that is just to say I understand pets as family (I had her creamated and she’ll be buried with whichever one of the human family goes first) but my experience of being a wife and mother has dramatically changed my perspective on what that means.

 

[TechieGuy]

Well, good luck with all that, I guess…

Thank goodness my wife didn’t have a list like that before we met, is all I can say!

 

[TheLittleLady]

For me, when it was the right man, we wanted to begin forever right then.

As a practical matter, for women our fertility peaks and then declines a little bit each year. If you desire children, adding 3.5 years to your aging process can be the difference between bearing children or not.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Pets are nice, I have had many over the years and one that I loved so much - but, pets are not people.

 

[TheLittleLady]

What happens when there is a sudden change (employment comes to mind, people do lose jobs, economy goes sideways) and you have to move to a place that does not allow pets. Are you willing to be homeless and keep your pet?

 

[LittleFlower]

My husband and I have grown together in the seven years we’ve been together and married.

Would I have married him straight off the bat at the beginning? Nope. Would he have married me? Nope.

My list is fairly simple:

• Kind and compassionate
• Loyal and faithful
• Hardworking
• Funny

He ticks all those boxes. He isn’t Catholic, but he participates when asked or needed. He is there, dependable, and a great partner.

I went to a Dr Edward Sri talk a few months ago, and he spoke about how marriage isn’t lovingly looking into each other’s eyes, reciting the rosary, in front of the fire. It’s also practicing the faith in real life.

I feel like many of your points are nearly obscure in the real world. People change, someone could tick every box whilst dating and then you get married, have a first child, and whoops 50% of it goes out of the window for the relationship and parenting to work. And vice versa, someone could barely fulfil 25% of the list, and then grows with you.

This list also seems to want to control an aspect of your life, which you can’t—other people. The dating pool becomes incredibly limited by your own design. Having some non-negotiables is recommended but such a long list raises red flags.

I would recommend asking yourself what the real purpose of this list is, because no person could fulfil all these points every minute of the day.

 

[Katie777]

For me it was for dh to be a devout Catholic who was kind. That pretty much covered everything. We are married a long time.

I did take some fun tests in magazines that sound like this checklist though when I was a young person lol.

 

[LadyLillian]

What happens when there is a sudden change (employment comes to mind, people do lose jobs, economy goes sideways) and you have to move to a place that does not allow pets. Are you willing to be homeless and keep your pet?

If it was truly impossible to keep a pet I would do what is best for the pet, and find her/him a new, loving home.

 

[Norseman82]

Forgot up to date on all his shots and vaccinations…

The dog or the husband?

 

[Crusaderbear]

Not touching that one!