SSA Faith Crisis, plz hlep

[ssa_fellow]

Yes, I can totally understand. You’re afraid to put hope in these new developments, because they could fall through – and if they do fall through, you don’t know what to do. I’ve been there, brother.

God is giving opportunities for other people to be Christ to you. That’s a great thing. But it’s up to them whether they really embrace the opportunities, and it’s up to you whether you cooperate with them. It’s delicate. And yet, it’s very good. The Lord is going to help you grow through this whole process – and in ways you have a hard time imagining, not just in terms of getting free of porn. And if something falls through here, there are other steps to take – but what you’ve done so far to set these things up is good, and courageous, and important.

You’ll have to grieve it, silly as that sounds. It is a comfort for you (and for me), a consolation. It’s hard to trust God to give us consolations instead of manufacturing our own.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Chastity isn’t the same as celibacy; all you know right now is that God is calling you to chastity. The rest of the discernment needs to come when you have more freedom from this porn addiction.

July 30th-Aug 2, just outside Chicago. couragerc.org/courage/conference/

If you’re coming, let me know, and we’ll figure out a way to bump into each other!

Thanks. I was hoping you’d reply again. Idk… I can’t help but overthink things.

I want to do things, and not have umpteen conversations with my friends. However, I don’t know what I should do. I have no idea. I have no idea what to do with my life. So… its not like I have a large goal, which can be reached by me obtaining a series of smaller goals to get there. I have no goals right now. I have a job, I make enough money for food and gas. And, I live at a Deacon’s house… so… no, I don’t make enough money even for my own place to live.

And quite frankly, I’m not going to do that. I will not live by myself. I don’t see why no one talks about these problems with me.

My priest and my counselor talk to me about my porn problem, and my sexuality, respectively.

Like… just because I start doing better in terms of purity, I won’t find it utterly depressing to live by myself? Sorry, no.

Sorry if I sound cynical. I don’t want to be a cynic. I love the Church. But, I’m just saying… The Church’s teaching on how I’m supposed to live my life really doesn’t seem that fleshed out to me. And, certainly the vast majority of Catholics don’t know any more than I do about it…

Idk. I will certainly be going to Courage meetings, as soon as they start up in my Diocese. Please pray for me. That I might finally emerge from my spiritual desert, and “fall in love with my faith all over again”… as my priest told me.

 

[oneofmany]

everlastinghills.org/

Have you watched this movie? These people were in relationships but they didn’t find what they really wanted either. I hope you can find friends so you are not so lonely. Even marriage doesn’t bring happiness all the time.

 

[janiruchan]

Yeah, I’m sick of crying myself to sleep at night. I’m lonely all the time, and I cry all the time bc of it. And, the Church doesn’t really have a community for me to go to…

Why should I be posting here? Why shouldn’t I be posting on a gay forum, and ask them for advice on how to find someone to date?

Its 4:20 a.m. So, I’m going to bed soon. But, I just wanted it so badly tonight. I wanted someone to hold me and acknowledge my existence.

I’m sick of being a martyr. I’m almost 23 years old, I’m still a virgin. And, in fact, I have never even held someone’s hand who I liked. I’ve never done anything. I have a porn addiction… but that’\ doesn’t really count as “homosexual behavior”

I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life. And, I’m still miserable. Porn is stupid, I grant you, but its also the only way I even get to express myself sexually ever.

I read all these articles about the “chaste friendships”, which entail “male affection” which will be SOOO much deeper than other people’s friendships… Well, I don’t know about any of that. Where is that? What kind of “male affection” can I enjoy, since I’m clearly marred and am in need of it… in order to right the wrongs of my father for raising me poorly (or so I read)…

I don’t want to abandon my faith, or the Church. But, I am miserable. And, I won’t be miserable for my whole life. Just seeing other Catholics who are happy feels like a physical assault to my person, because I am so unhappy. And, any degree of their happiness which they get from the assurance of their future marriages, spouses, children, family, houses, careers… I get none of.

Does the Church have a community, to fix me?

I will not be miserable my whole life. Tell me why I should keep doing this [chastity].

Can I hold hands with my friends? Bc, they don’t want to.

Can I hold hands with another man who I like? Is it a mortal sin to hold another man’s hand? Is that sodomy?

I think its ridiculous. I’m 23, and I know as much about relationships as a 14 year old… maybe less… I can’t have romantic feelings ever. Well, I’m not a-sexual. I’m homosexual. I have sexual feelings, I have sexuality. And I can’t express those needs ever, in any way. Ever. Well, I guess I’ll just keep bottling it inside, and see how long that works…

What would you say to get me to stay in the Church?

I need a resolution to these problems. And, I know how to resolve it sinfully…
I don’t know how to resolve it how the Church wants me to resolve it…?

My friend I dont really know what to say to you…Ive had homo friend who courted me…and I guess I had that sort of attraction as well but I didnt entertain it…It was very hard and heart breaking but I did and through God’s grace I’ve overcome her. Now when I see her, I picture Jesus in her soul. I dont also feed the attraction.

I feel sorry for you that you feel you have to be fixed. I do not think that you have to be another person to be accepted or to be heterosexual etc. God loves you as you are…but you have that cross that you have to constantly overcome. It is a battle you can overcome with God’s grace…and that is exactly the call to Holiness…We all have our battles not just you.

Another way to counter this temptation to complain/suffering is to offer all your pains to all those who are suffering—e.g…abandoned, lonely, oppressed or discriminated homosexuals like you…Offer your pains to God, and this will be very pleasing to Him…but if you give in to your lust…the devil will feed your sensuality.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I want to do things, and not have umpteen conversations with my friends. However, I don’t know what I should do. I have no idea. I have no idea what to do with my life.
(…)
The Church’s teaching on how I’m supposed to live my life really doesn’t seem that fleshed out to me. And, certainly the vast majority of Catholics don’t know any more than I do about it…

You are not even 23 years old. Give yourself a break. When I was 23 I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, what the purpose should be. I know you see the purpose in terms of a vocation and are unhappy because of what you can’t have. Understandable. But as a single man you can do many things. I have met a number of single men who have interesting lives, from artists to missionaries. You need to find what your strengths are and take it from there. You don’t have to focus on building a career, but you can use your talents for other things. Can you talk about this with someone experienced who could guide you?

This leads me to the second point, that the church hasn’t mapped out everything for us. We have that freedom to find our own way. That is not a bad thing, although this freedom can be scary at times. I’m going to suggest what other people have already suggested: serious prayer. You will figure this out, you will find an answer on what to do with your life. But maybe you will have to wait a little bit until this answer is clear. Maybe you will have to wait for a few years. God has His ways and we need to be patient. Listen to that podcast I linked. You are not in a position to see the whole picture now, but it will get more clear with time.

 

[Sarah_B_Good]

Yes, I can totally understand. You’re afraid to put hope in these new developments, because they could fall through – and if they do fall through, you don’t know what to do. I’ve been there, brother.

God is giving opportunities for other people to be Christ to you. That’s a great thing. But it’s up to them whether they really embrace the opportunities, and it’s up to you whether you cooperate with them. It’s delicate. And yet, it’s very good. The Lord is going to help you grow through this whole process – and in ways you have a hard time imagining, not just in terms of getting free of porn. And if something falls through here, there are other steps to take – but what you’ve done so far to set these things up is good, and courageous, and important.

You’ll have to grieve it, silly as that sounds. It is a comfort for you (and for me), a consolation. It’s hard to trust God to give us consolations instead of manufacturing our own.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Chastity isn’t the same as celibacy; all you know right now is that God is calling you to chastity. The rest of the discernment needs to come when you have more freedom from this porn addiction.

July 30th-Aug 2, just outside Chicago. couragerc.org/courage/conference/

If you’re coming, let me know, and we’ll figure out a way to bump into each other!

Please don’t think me impertinent, as that is certainly not my intention, but didn’t I read on another thread that you are married?

You certainly have no obligation to answer this, but do you mind providing an explanation? Are you someone who claims to be “healed” from SSA? Were you always sexually attracted to women as well? I don’t understand what SSA means anymore. It doesn’t seem like you are talking about the same thing as the OP.

 

[Sarah_B_Good]

Yeah, I’m sick of crying myself to sleep at night. I’m lonely all the time, and I cry all the time bc of it. And, the Church doesn’t really have a community for me to go to…

Why should I be posting here? Why shouldn’t I be posting on a gay forum, and ask them for advice on how to find someone to date?

Its 4:20 a.m. So, I’m going to bed soon. But, I just wanted it so badly tonight. I wanted someone to hold me and acknowledge my existence.

I’m sick of being a martyr. I’m almost 23 years old, I’m still a virgin. And, in fact, I have never even held someone’s hand who I liked. I’ve never done anything. I have a porn addiction… but that’\ doesn’t really count as “homosexual behavior”

I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life. And, I’m still miserable. Porn is stupid, I grant you, but its also the only way I even get to express myself sexually ever.

I read all these articles about the “chaste friendships”, which entail “male affection” which will be SOOO much deeper than other people’s friendships… Well, I don’t know about any of that. Where is that? What kind of “male affection” can I enjoy, since I’m clearly marred and am in need of it… in order to right the wrongs of my father for raising me poorly (or so I read)…

I don’t want to abandon my faith, or the Church. But, I am miserable. And, I won’t be miserable for my whole life. Just seeing other Catholics who are happy feels like a physical assault to my person, because I am so unhappy. And, any degree of their happiness which they get from the assurance of their future marriages, spouses, children, family, houses, careers… I get none of.

Does the Church have a community, to fix me?

I will not be miserable my whole life. Tell me why I should keep doing this [chastity].

Can I hold hands with my friends? Bc, they don’t want to.

Can I hold hands with another man who I like? Is it a mortal sin to hold another man’s hand? Is that sodomy?

I think its ridiculous. I’m 23, and I know as much about relationships as a 14 year old… maybe less… I can’t have romantic feelings ever. Well, I’m not a-sexual. I’m homosexual. I have sexual feelings, I have sexuality. And I can’t express those needs ever, in any way. Ever. Well, I guess I’ll just keep bottling it inside, and see how long that works…

What would you say to get me to stay in the Church?

I need a resolution to these problems. And, I know how to resolve it sinfully…
I don’t know how to resolve it how the Church wants me to resolve it…?

I couldn’t help but shed a tear while reading your post. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that I am praying for you.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Please don’t think me impertinent, as that is certainly not my intention, but didn’t I read on another thread that you are married?

You certainly have no obligation to answer this, but do you mind providing an explanation? Are you someone who claims to be “healed” from SSA? Were you always sexually attracted to women as well? I don’t understand what SSA means anymore. It doesn’t seem like you are talking about the same thing as the OP.

Hi Sarah,

I experience same-sex attraction, which means (in this case) that I am a man who is attracted to other men. I don’t claim to be healed from it, no. I have been always attracted to women, to some degree, yes, but my attraction to men has always been more intense and insistent. When I was 20, I dreamed of marrying a woman, but I was somewhat hopeless about such a thing working out, since I was deeply buried in shame about my SSA.

So yeah, I think I have a lot in common with the OP. There are differences, certainly; I’m not sure if he experiences any level of attraction to women. But the struggle with porn, and the struggle with a deep attraction to men is something we share – along with our most important shared trait: being the beloved son of our Heavenly Father.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

But, I can’t help but doubt. Can anyone give me one example of a person with same-sex attraction who is doing inspiring things in serving the Church?

Daniel Mattson. Eve Tushnet. Ron Belgau. Terry Nelson. Gabriel Blanchard. Melinda Selmys.

Not to mention thousands of faithful Catholic priests who won’t admit their SSA vocally, for very understandable reasons.

And if you let me name dead people: Gerard Manley Hopkins. Henri Nouwen. Evelyn Waugh. William Shakespeare. And so on.

Obviously no one can name me a saint who had same-sex attraction. I think there are around 10,000 canonized saints…

St. Aelred, quite possibly.

abbey-roads.blogspot.com/2010/10/if-there-ever-was-gay-saint-it-might-as.html

“God has amazing plans for my life”. Yes, that’s probably true.

But, what could those plans possibly entail for me?

I mean, that question can be answered for any Catholic in my shoes who is straight. “Marriage”, possibly a vocation to priesthood or religious life. What about me?

Marriage is a possibility, and so is religious life. Some people entering religious life have potential obstacles because they have a physical or mental illness. You have a potential obstacle because of your SSA. But that obstacle is not insurmountable.

And you don’t have to live by yourself! You can live with another man, for the love of Pete! You can live with somebody without there being a serious attraction there, or without it being romantic. Why not?

And quite frankly, I’m not going to do that. I will not live by myself. I don’t see why no one talks about these problems with me.

Yes, I understand. It’s hard to know how to make very practical decisions, and no one cares to help with these – they all think this other stuff is more important. But you’re right that the practical stuff is important.

Sorry if I sound cynical. I don’t want to be a cynic. I love the Church. But, I’m just saying… The Church’s teaching on how I’m supposed to live my life really doesn’t seem that fleshed out to me. And, certainly the vast majority of Catholics don’t know any more than I do about it…

You’re right. But some people do know more about it. Check into Wesley Hill, and some of the stuff he’s written on the topic – if you haven’t already.

And please, if you can, nurture a relationship with a wise, trustworthy, and Catholic older man. Let him into everything, all your secrets, all your fears. It is the best investment you can possibly imagine.

 

[Mark86]

And please, if you can, nurture a relationship with a wise, trustworthy, and Catholic older man. Let him into everything, all your secrets, all your fears. It is the best investment you can possibly imagine.

As you may be aware, what can sometimes happen with Catholics struggling with same sex attraction is, after a lifetime of being told “no” at every opportunity, it can be hard to develop a mentality of “yes.” That is, it can sometimes become difficult to accept that the Lord still wants good things for them, especially when every seemingly good thing they’ve ever loved has been a “pathway to hell” and everything else they simply haven’t desired, or can’t force themselves to desire. That’s the way I am. I can’t force myself to desire what the Church approves that I desire. And I know I have times where I deny myself those good things, like the benefits of the kind of friendship you’re talking about, simply because I no longer feel worthy to desire them anymore. I’ve been told nothing except how to despise every desire, every thought, every ambition, everything my eyes fall on, that I end up desiring nothing… not even good things… so that when the Church offers its “approved” outreach programs and talks about how “good” and “necessary” they are, I no longer desire them.

“No…” I say right back at them. It’s all I know how to say.

It’s kind of like, every other desire I’ve ever had has been wrong, why would this one be right? “Might as well just be lonely, I hate everything anyways…” …etc.

I’m not saying the OP feels this way, but this can sometimes underlie and undermine a person’s ability to rise out of their circumstance, even more than the attraction itself, and it can be true for anyone. When someone suggests you pursue a “healthy companionship” …you can feel like you don’t want or need it anymore. It masks an inner retaliation that is directed towards self-abuse. I know the homosexual lifestyle is not fulfilling, but now I can’t desire to be fulfilled. I feel like I have to be miserable and lonely. In which case Springsteen said it best… “You end up like a dog who’s been kicked too much 'till you spend half your life just covering up.”

Everything becomes tainted.

 

[ssa_fellow]

You are not even 23 years old. Give yourself a break. When I was 23 I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, what the purpose should be. I know you see the purpose in terms of a vocation and are unhappy because of what you can’t have. Understandable. But as a single man you can do many things. I have met a number of single men who have interesting lives, from artists to missionaries. You need to find what your strengths are and take it from there. You don’t have to focus on building a career, but you can use your talents for other things. Can you talk about this with someone experienced who could guide you?

This leads me to the second point, that the church hasn’t mapped out everything for us. We have that freedom to find our own way. That is not a bad thing, although this freedom can be scary at times. I’m going to suggest what other people have already suggested: serious prayer. You will figure this out, you will find an answer on what to do with your life. But maybe you will have to wait a little bit until this answer is clear. Maybe you will have to wait for a few years. God has His ways and we need to be patient. Listen to that podcast I linked. You are not in a position to see the whole picture now, but it will get more clear with time.

Look. I’ve been out of school for over a year. And during that time, I’ve worked part-time jobs, while living either with my parents, or on other people’s charity. I need to come up with something to do sometime this year.

I imagine at 23 you were still pursuing something? These problems have literally derailed me. I work a part time job maybe 20 hours a week. I get $200 paychecks every 2 weeks. That’s enough to survive. That is not making progress towards a goal.

By the end of the year I need to be back in school, or doing Catholic things… like being a missionary, or living in a community. I really am hard pressed to do something with my life.

 

[ssa_fellow]

I couldn’t help but shed a tear while reading your post. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that I am praying for you.

Thank you. I really do appreciate all the prayers.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

By the end of the year I need to be back in school, or doing Catholic things… like being a missionary, or living in a community. I really am hard pressed to do something with my life.

Sure, you can’t be stuck forever. I’m not saying that you just hang around and wait. It is good that you have a timeframe for the next step. I honestly don’t think that your situation is at all unusual in terms of not knowing where you are going and how your life will develop. In any case I wish you all the best. I don’t doubt you will find your way: you have a strong desire to do something, to make a difference. God won’t let you drift forever because you desire to serve Him in the best way that you can. I’m confident about these things because I felt like I was drifting throughout my 20s and I had serious anxiety about it. Back then I never thought my life would look the way it does now, but I am happy and it all makes sense. I feel like I’m now seeing the big picture, rather than just a piece of the puzzle and trying to make sense of that one piece.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Advice from the Church, ssa fellow:

A homosexual can have an abiding relationship with another homosexual without genital sexual expression. Indeed, the deeper need of any human is for friendship rather than genital sexual expression … If a homosexual person has progressed under the direction of a confessor, but in the effort to develop a stable relationship with a given person has occasionally fallen into a sin of impurity, he should be absolved and instructed to take measures to avoid the elements which lead to sin without breaking off a friendship which has helped him grow as a person. If the relationship, however, has reached a stage where the homosexual person is not able to avoid overt actions, he should be admonished to break off the relationship.

US Catholic bishops’ document, Principles to Guide Confessors in Questions of Homosexuality (1973)

 

[Sarah_B_Good]

Hi Sarah,

I experience same-sex attraction, which means (in this case) that I am a man who is attracted to other men. I don’t claim to be healed from it, no. I have been always attracted to women, to some degree, yes, but my attraction to men has always been more intense and insistent. When I was 20, I dreamed of marrying a woman, but I was somewhat hopeless about such a thing working out, since I was deeply buried in shame about my SSA.

So yeah, I think I have a lot in common with the OP. There are differences, certainly; I’m not sure if he experiences any level of attraction to women. But the struggle with porn, and the struggle with a deep attraction to men is something we share – along with our most important shared trait: being the beloved son of our Heavenly Father.

Thank you for your explanation. I certainly can appreciate the fact that SSA would continue to prove a struggle for you despite the fact that you are married. And yes, I can see that you have much in common with the OP and am touched by the fact that you are reaching out to him in a support, a truly altruistic act that is deserving of nothing but praise.

But it seems very clear to me (and the OP can correct me if I am wrong), that he does not share your attraction to women, and that makes his struggle significantly different. I’m not trying to diminish your struggle in any way. I cannot imagine myself what that must be like. But the longing to be held and validated is a need that can be met in your marriage. You had an option that he does not, it seems. That is a significant difference.

It’s obviously in common use here, but I still don’t like the phrase “SSA” because it makes it sound like a disease you caught, but it’s like using the same word to describe everything from a mild cough to lung cancer. There have been people in this forum who have credited themselves with overcoming SSA, and when asked about it in more detail, it amounts to nothing more than a little curiosity in their teenage years, and I think you could agree, it’s certainly not the same thing.

 

[ethereality]

OP, reading your post, I think you are hurting emotionally and psychologically from unmet needs. I think you would benefit from:

1. 
   *]building relationships with classmates and those in your community (at church, at work, in the neighborhood)
   *]developing goals and hobbies that give you a feeling of accomplishment and self-growth
   *]counseling
   *]exercise (both cardio and weightlifting)
   *]don’t worry about the same-sex attractions. Think of yourself as a son of God, not as “a homosexual”. Do take steps to quit porn; it’s devastating on many levels. Talk with your parents and see about installing Covenant Eyes so they can help you quit.
   
   I get that you’re lonely – many of us are – but there seems to be an “edge”, an intensity to your loneliness, that I think is more than homosexual attraction. In other words, you need help for something more than homosexuality, and perhaps your same-sex attractions are a symptom of this underlying problem. It sounds like you have emotional needs that are not being met, hence my recommendations above. Talk with your parents, depending on your situation (if they’re not abusive, they probably really care about you), and see if they can help pay for counseling. That way you can talk these issues out more than you can online – and see about a counselor from Catholic Charities, because otherwise I think you’re prone to meeting with someone who just wants a “quick fix” and will follow a flow chart: “He says he’s lonely and has same-sex attractions. Tell him to go to gay bars,” etc. Often healthcare providers are more interested in removing symptoms rather than solving underlying problems that cause the symptoms (the former is easier than the latter).
   
   Exercise can also go a long way to both resolve your anxiety and get you feeling better (e.g. naturally increasing testosterone).
   
   As for what to say ‘to keep you in the Church’:
   1. 
      *]Follow up on these recommendations to get your needs met.
      *]Study the faith. It’s a matter of fact, of history and philosophy, not a matter of feeling or how you get along with others who go to the church. God built a church on Jesus, or Christians are wrong, but this isn’t a matter of feeling lonely at night.
      
      Hang in there, man. Life is hard, but that’s because God wants us to grow into better people, stronger, more virtuous, etc.