Your “change” is fascinating - almost like a miraculous intervention. But if I understand your story, it was not something you sought, and I presume you see yourself as no more deserving of this intervention than anyone else.
How have your friends reacted to your change?
I have only a few friends now from that time in my life. Their responses range from the joyful (the friend I knew from college who prayed for me, though we didn’t see each other or communicate from the time I started living out my SSA to the time of my reversion to the Church some 14-15 years later!), to the “oh, okay” (my childhood friend that I married!), to the “wow, um, okay” (a couple of my lesbian friends who knew me as “lesbian,” then “bisexual,” and then “straight” and Catholic!).
The stories here are so bizarre for me to read, though I don’t doubt them. I concur with Rau that Gertrude’s, specifically, sounds like a miracle.
So hearing these stories is bizarre, because…it’s just weird. I’m a lesbian, and always will be a lesbian.
And personally, I don’t think, even if some people have dormant OSAs they have to unlock, that conversion therapy should be available to minors because it hurts people like me way more than it helps anyone who would benefit from it, if anyone.
I love reading your posts!
First of all, the name’s Gertie, Gert, Gertabelle – depending on how I sign it – but never, oh please never,
Gertrude.
No offense to the beautiful St. Gertrude the Great, or the lovely Mother Gertrude, OSB, that I once knew. For the sake of full disclosure, as they say, Gertabelle is a screen name, and I sometimes think it makes me sound really, really OLD. OK, I am getting older – 46 – but I think “Gertie” makes it sound like I’m some 92-year-old granny in a rocking chair.
Oh dear, I shouldn’t post so late… how I do blather on…
Anyway, besides telling you how glad I am that you’re posting on these threads, I also wanted to clarify what you and Rau are now calling my “miraculous” cure. Of course, all good things come from the hand of God, so I know that my no longer having to deal with SSA is from Him.
But I also know that my life went through tremendous upheaval at the time of this change in me. My biological clock was ticking pretty loud – I wanted a child SO MUCH. My “wife” at the time couldn’t get behind it really, even though she’d said she wanted to be a mom when we first started dating. In early 2001, the desire for a child was growing a lot stronger, and I had even mentioned to a male friend (whom I’d known since childhood) that I wanted to have a child – and joked that he could help the process…
Then in March of that year, my dad had a heart attack and nearly died. The medical staff brought him back from death, they placed him in the CCU (cardiac care unit) where he lingered for six weeks and then died. At the same time, two of my three dogs died – including the one who was my “pal” for everything. That was a week before the end of the school year.
I spent a lot of time that summer at a small, really rundown cabin that I owned in the mountains – I just needed the silence and isolation. Well, it’s a long story, but by the time the new school year was getting started, I was a different person inside. I was seeing my “wife” for the person she was – immature to a fault, manipulative, neurotic, and a hoarder. My desire for a child trumped all, and I knew there was no way I would let that woman parent any child of mine.
Three months later I ended that relationship. And – short version – the following June I married my childhood friend. I guess you could say at that point, probably during that previous summer actually, I had gone from SSA exclusively to bisexual.
My marriage was all right – nothing terribly wrong, but nothing great about it either. After four years (and the birth of my amazing son) my childhood friend told me he didn’t want to be married, not to me, not to anyone. By then, I was exclusively OSA.
My point in writing all this is that it wasn’t so much a miraculous cure, as in one moment it’s there, the next it’s gone. While I thank God for His grace in this, I also see how He worked through the ordinary events and longings in my life – my father’s death, my longing for a child – to literally heal what was out of balance, if you will, in my life.
And one last thing… I hear in your words sometimes, my own voice from the past, specifically how you’re a lesbian and always will be a lesbian.
That may be true. It may not be true. Always is a long time… But I do agree with your assessment of conversion therapy (as opposed to general psychotherapy) as being dangerous. I lost my dearest friend to suicide just three months after undergoing that sort of therapy. That is a pain that is always with me
God bless you, dear one!
Gertie
