St Augustine stealing pears reflection

[Alex4Mary]

So ive been trying to make big changes in my life slowly with Jesus leading the way. Its been hard but I finally feel like Im making progress because Jesus is making my path… I have noticed that i have a tendancy to self sabotage my efforts as i have done this for years. I thought some of my sin was due to an addictive personality (childhood issues), but now im realizing that these sins im committing repeatedly are more like the story of St Augustine stealing the pears. I dont like the feelings of my sin, Maybe im doing it because i dont believe that im worthy of the progress Jesus has delivered to me so i am using sin to self sabotage. Any advice?

 

[MNathaniel]

Hmm. I’ll be honest with you – I find even my own sins a mystery to me. When I try to really dig down into ‘why’ I do what I don’t even like, when it’s wrong.

I imagine there are all sorts of ‘reasons’ we might identify, whether psychological (e.g. maybe we fear change? we fear moving ‘past’ our current mess into the ‘next’ thing, so we keep re-making the same old mess that we just cleaned up, because we’re comfortable with it and moving forward feels like moving into emptiness, so we settle back into the familiar? Or maybe at some point in the past we did enjoy something specific, and we’re still reaching out for that rush, even though we’re so different now that we no longer feel the same rush from the same activity, and it’s a kind of bizarre habit that reflects an attachment to pleasure, even if we don’t actually receive the pleasure anymore? Like for me with craving and eating certain foods I don’t even enjoy anymore, at all; it’s like the experience of enjoying them is a memory but my actual taste buds or overall eating experience never actually satisfies the urge that drives me to action), or emotional, or spiritual.

But whether or not we understand our own motives, it’s good (congratulations! ) that you can say that you’re making big changes and you clearly want to be doing what’s right (even at the same time as you seem to find yourself mysteriously opposed to yourself).

As far as ‘advice’, I would definitely recommend:

1. Read Romans 7:15-20 to know… that you are not alone! Many of us can say at some point, with Paul, “I do not understand my own actions.”
2. Pray. Pray, pray, pray. (I’m not suggesting to exhaust or overwhelm yourself with it – but prayer will be indispensable here). Especially, go to Confession every time you fall, especially when the enemy tempts you not too. Agere Contra: act against your temptations by not only not folding to them, but doing the opposite. Maybe explore Ignatian discernment in terms of learning how to discern your own internal movements. Definitely pray the rosary if the sin you’re trying to avoid requires mental attention or can be avoided by concentrating mental attention elsewhere for awhile (e.g. if you want to avoid indulging in angry thoughts): Praying the rosary takes quite a long time, and forces you to think conscious holy thoughts – in contrast to sinful thoughts – while you pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, etc, and meditate on the mysteries of Jesus’ life. And you can offer your prayers up for (e.g.) a person you may feel anger about.
3. I’m not sure how else to help without knowing more specifics. Advice is quite personal and will depend on your situation.

 

[MNathaniel]

PS Ask God to help you understand yourself – and even if you don’t understand yourself, ask Him to help you desire Him, and desire to do His will. He’s taking you on a journey, helping you blossom and bear fruit, and helping refine you in a fire; this is going to be an ongoing relationship between you and Him. Definitely keep the conversation going, always. Talk to Him totally honestly, tell Him what you’re thinking and why you think you’re doing what you’re doing – and ask Him what He thinks, and then sit and listen. Really just sit and listen and stare at a white wall without distractions for a while, listening – or in front of Jesus in adoration, if possible. Give God 15 minutes at a time if you can. Don’t put any expectations on it; maybe He’ll just want to sit with you in silence. But you can give Him that time, and at least make a space for Him to talk. And try to do this regularly.

And follow all the advice that Jesus gives in the Bible. I mean, little things that you know for sure are God’s will: do something specific to honour your mother and father. Do something specific to care for a neighbour. Each act of love and obedience to God will help conform you closer to who He is making you to be. Nothing is wasted.

 

[Alex4Mary]

I am blessed to have time to make holy hour once a week on a scheduale.

 

[MNathaniel]

Praise God! That’s a wonderful time to get to spend with Jesus. I would say that’s definitely a good time then, to both ask Jesus to help you understand yourself (or at least help you to do the Father’s will even if you don’t understand yourself) – and to offer Him that time in silence, and let Him tell you anything He wants you to know, or form you in any way He wants to form you.

Now I’ll shush and let others reply with any different advice they may have

May God bless you!

 

[Limoncello4021]

I agree about reading Paul in Romans 7. That passage has helped many, including myself. We all struggle with the mystery of sin, and the closer we get to God the more we don’t want to sin, yet we sin. We hate it, but we fall into it. God works on us little by little over time, and many saints tell us that He permits us to keep falling at times to increase our humility and dependence on Him. He can use our sins–if we keep hating them and striving not to sin–for our good. That’s good news! Think about how Paul ends his point about doing what he doesn’t want to do–thanks be to Jesus, he says! I think the saints would advise to work on thinking less about your sins and more on the mercy of God that is at work in you despite them.