Stay-at-home Mom + Cabin Fever

  • Thread starter Thread starter Alypius76
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Alypius76

Guest
Need help, advice, & prayers please.

Wife & I are happily married 10 years w/ 3 kids (7,4, & 2). Trying to live out a joy-filled life in union with the Church. Running into a recurring problem, though, that we never ever anticipated: Cabin Fever in a stay-at-home mom.

We live in a northern climate, and every year the spring,summer & fall is great. But like clockwork, starting in December my wife’s mental health goes downhill and doesn’t recover until about May. We have looked into Vitamin D & hormonal issues, originally thinking that was the culprit, but we are starting to rule those out. The issue really seems to be her temperament. She is a classic Sanguine (if you know the 4 temperaments) - a social being, the life of the party, always getting excited about new things, but with little follow-through and the second something gets hard or uncomfortable she wilts. She knows it and would like it to be otherwise, but is really having a hard time in the winter. In the summer everything’s green and there is plenty to do outside so everything seems new and interesting. In the winter though she’s stuck inside with little kids all day and, as she puts it, she “feels like a caged animal”. She’s always hitting her breaking point, and the amount of yelling and screaming in our house is unhealthy. She even breaks dishes sometimes when she gets mad because its the only thing that makes her feel better.

I’m at my wits end on this. It’s obvious she needs to get out of the house, and I try to give her an opportunity to do that almost every day. Coffee with a friend; a haircut; whatever. I am the sole income for our family, but I do work from home part of the time so I am also able to help around the house with laundry, taking care of the kids, etc. But I can’t take 100% of that responsibility either - I have a job to keep! It does help (a little) but when we’re in the throes of winter no amount of “help” seems to be enough to calm things down. She’s fine so long as she is “distracted” with something. But the second she’s inside with the kids again she begins to wilt. She can’t keep it together amidst the normal onslaught of mommy demands. Last year she went to her folks for a weekend to get away; she missed the kids dearly and was happy to see them again. But within an hour of being back she was back to her breaking point again. This was par for the course; no break ever seems to be a true “recharge”.

She feels terrible about the whole situation; she feels like she’s a “princess” (her words); never happy unless people are catering to her and letting her be carefree. For my part, I struggle with anger and resentment; I feel like I have to shoulder more responsibility than I should. And it’s taking a hit on our finances - every distraction that keeps her happy (shopping/vacation/social outing) seems to come with a price tag. But I love her dearly and I keep reminding myself that when someone is drowning and gasping for air you just reach out to help; that’s not the time to get mad at them for not being able to swim.

Desperately trying to come up with a workable solution but having trouble. Drastic things we have thought through:
-Moving south is out of the question; my stable job is here, our families are both here and (winter notwithstanding) we like it here. Besides, she wilts in the heat just as bad as she wilts trapped indoors from the cold.
-switching roles (her as breadwinner; me as care-giver) is out of the question; even though my temperament (Melancholic) is better suited to staying at home, I have much more employable skills (computer science) than she. We would never be able to make it on her salary. Plus doing the same job day in and day out (routine) is hard for her temperament too.
-full-time nanny. If we could afford it I actually think this might make a difference. If she were completely relieved of childcare duties she would be free to do whatever she wanted and could find ways to distract herself. Kids fighting? Let the nanny deal with it. Problem solved without any increase in her blood pressure. The problem with this is that we can’t afford it. I have a good job but not THAT good.

Right now we are sort of settling for the “solution” of getting her out of the house at some point almost every day and also hiring a babysitter a couple times a week during the day; but we can barely afford that. And as mentioned above that’s not enough to fix it; She’s still depressed much of the time and just minutes ago lost her cool again with the kids. (Didn’t help that we’re all stuck at home today in a blizzard.)

Has anyone dealt with anything similar? And what did you to to cope? This has really taken us by surprise; we always thought we were going do the stereotypical Catholic bigger family thing. Unless something changes though, it looks like 3 is all the children we can handle. And we can’t even handle that! No matter what, I don’t think having my wife depressed for 5 months out of the year is an acceptable solution. And its not good for the kids to have a mommy who loves them but who screams at them a lot. I know someday the kids will all be grown but that’s a long ways off - how will we ever get through this?
 
:hug1: Oh how I can relate!! I hate winter and it is miserable to be cooped up in a house with a bunch of kids while wishing for warm weather to go play!

Has your wife tried to exercise or pick up sports with the kids? I know it is snowy, but I am still amazed at all the Norther natives here who will run in almost any temperature (bare legs if over 30*) and can dodge snow mounds with ease and grace and high speed runs! Its amazing! But, really, if you are not going to move to the perfect climate, you may have to see how you can adjust to the weather around you. Can your family pick up ice skating? In many northern states, there are outdoor ice rinks that you can enjoy for free. Pcik up used ice skates at Goodwill. Snow shoeing is relatively inexpensive once you buy the snow shoes. Building igloos is also a fun family activity in the winter. Get the kids out as much as you both can, and exhaust them so she can unwind with a good book while they nap. I know you said your budget is limited (who’s isn’t??) but can you afford a membership at the Y? Kids can take classes while your wife swims or works out. I find the lack of physical activity in the winter to be the biggest factor in my winter doldrums.

Good luck to you and your wife. You sound like a very loving husband!
 
hi,
hope this finds you well-i thought that your telling of events was sincere-i can only mention something as an innocent bystander-otherwise-as here-where i am-there are people packed with emotions that affect their physical well being; indeed it is cold here…at any rate, i would be curious of future posts of others who read your description…perhaps, i am limited to what a monk would say…as evidenced by: (1) well, in a pinch-as stress shows on the calandar-pray often-thirty times a day if effective:" Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me, a sinner." sounds like a lack of faith to repeat it so often…nevertheless…So, (2) collect in some Icons-oh You KNow? the holy family, or Mary, or a favorite…saint…spread these about house, in a well traveled hall way, eye level, nearest the reading lamp in the living room; as you might think about this-inquiring, and about yours truly, the impromtu author…you might ask—.'potentially, i know how he got that short prayer as an idea, but how did he arrive at , logically, that idea about the icons?" well, in my defense, i would say it is a mystery…and i would like to ramble on…but certainly, i have invited persons to check out all my posts, including this one of advice available to the public-so i do and must take the seriousness of everyone’s problems ( i hope i did not sound too teach-y, nor padantic?)-…but best regards, patrick…
 
Alypius76 said:
She feels terrible about the whole situation; she feels like she’s a “princess” (her words); never happy unless people are catering to her and letting her be carefree. For my part, I struggle with anger and resentment; I feel like I have to shoulder more responsibility than I should. And it’s taking a hit on our finances - every distraction that keeps her happy (shopping/vacation/social outing) seems to come with a price tag. But I love her dearly and** I keep reminding myself that when someone is drowning and gasping for air you just reach out to help; that’s not the time to get mad at them for not being able to swim.**
Click to expand...
This doesn’t sound like it is something new. In fact, it sounds like it has been going on for years.

If that is the case, you aren’t getting mad at someone that doesn’t know how to swim, but instead you are upset at someone that keeps jumping in the deep end.

It sounds like she needs outside help, and I am not talking about a nanny. I am talking about medical and mental help. You have had her Vit D checked, but what about her mental health?

It is fine to know her temperament. But does that really excuse her desire to be a “princess?” Or does her temperament allow her to put your family in the poor house?

I don’t think so. Sometimes people that prefer to be out and about, I am one of them, have to stay in. That is just life. And as adults and as parents, we have to learn to deal with it.
 
It’d probably be a good idea for her to see a counselor to see what’s going on. Could be anything from some kind of depression to Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is where people become depressed due to the lack of light during the winter months.

A counselor could help determine whether this is something to be concerned about or not.

However, I agree that it’d be a prudent move to talk to a specialist to see what this is, because if this repeats yearly, during winter, that’s one possibility, but someone who is “in the know” should be taking a look at this. For all one knows, this could even be a temporary situation that needs to be addressed just at this time of the year.

A counselor would probably also have ideas if it is “cabin fever” to give her ideas how to deal with that.
 
maryjk said:
This doesn’t sound like it is something new. In fact, it sounds like it has been going on for years.

If that is the case, you aren’t getting mad at someone that doesn’t know how to swim, but instead you are upset at someone that keeps jumping in the deep end.

It sounds like she needs outside help, and I am not talking about a nanny. I am talking about medical and mental help. You have had her Vit D checked, but what about her mental health?

It is fine to know her temperament. But does that really excuse her desire to be a “princess?” Or does her temperament allow her to put your family in the poor house?

I don’t think so. Sometimes people that prefer to be out and about, I am one of them, have to stay in. That is just life. And as adults and as parents, we have to learn to deal with it.
Click to expand...
This is excellent advice. Dish breaking is really not appropriate behavior. If there were physical symptoms you would get to the bottom of them…same with behavioral or emotional symptoms. Your wife should be evaluated by a professional.
Also, there is no reason for a stay at home mom to stay at home. And it does not need to cost money to be out and about. The older child should be in school and if the middle child is not then take the two little ones to story time at the library. Perhaps through church she can find women with similarly aged younger children for a playgroup…or a book club. She can invite someone over for tea or coffee who can chat while the little ones nap or play. Bundle up the kiddos and get out for a walk. Volunteer…especially with the elderly who many times just LOVE seeing the little ones. Isolation is very depressing but with a little creativity there is no reason to be isolated.
 
I agree with the preceding posts that:

-You are a good and patient husband trying to solve a difficult problem;

-Your wife needs a good medical and psych eval, just to rule out things.

-She could have multiple problems. My friend has suffered with depression for much of his life but the winters are much more hideous for him=depression + seasonal affective disorder.

Are you sure this is just a winter problem? There are special full spectrum lamps that seem to help some people overcome S.A.D. in the winter. Not everyone responds but it could be worth a try.

If there is a need to be out of the house, and she is able, could she take a seasonal job, work in the darker months and be stay-at-home mom the lighter months? Or maybe part-time, just enough to pay for good childcare alone, and during the time she needs it.

I really feel there is a long term issue that needs to be addressed and I think you have a mind and heart to address it. Not everyone can be a stay-at-home mom or dad. Some people just can’t do it alone. Rich or poor, ill or not, they need back-up, however you can get it.

And it may be a mental health problem. Some mental health issues can sit there and resemble a whining princess for years, then suddenly, with enough intolerance to stress, they can rear their ugly head and become a serious crisis. Perhaps no one in her life has noticed before how intolerant she is to certain stressors, so the stresses have built up within her and eroded or drained her reservoir of strength over time.

Or maybe many loved ones have coddled her and not held her accountable for her "princess’ behavior, so she continues to manage stress in the same awful way, which does not stop or settle the underlying the problem

With my undiagnosed-but-impossible family members, I try to encourage them to talk about their symptoms honestly. When they yell “I hate this family”, I ask “what are you feeling right now and how can we help you feel better?” I try to applaud acts of responsibility and shun the excuses. It is an ongoing process but if that person is admitting to their illness or behavior and sees the effect it is having, I am relieved. It is a good start.

Whenever I read these posts on mental health issues there is a definite line between the “Treat the entire family and get help for your loved one; a mental health issue is on board” camp, and the “Don’t molly coddle her and let her get away with unacceptable behavior” camp. I tend to favor both camps. Especially when there are kids around. They need to see what is acceptable and unacceptable AND they need to learn that Mommy is sick and gets mean when she feels bad.

I am impressed that you are trying to look at the problem squarely and clearly. I hope you find some good answers and resolutions. Will pray.
 
I found a book called Winter Blues helpful. I’m a sahm and since reading that book I now take precautions to avoid cabin fever. Activities outside help. I force myself to go outside a little while everyday. Even just moving a favorite chair by a sunny window can help a bit.

Try going on a date with your wife on the weekend do something like cross country skiing, ice skating or snow mobiling. Get her outside dressed warm for a while then come inside and warm up by a fire with a fragrant cup of tea or hot cocoa.

Now for an even more extreme suggestion… If it is possible to get away, consider even taking a trip somewhere sunny and warm. It is not a coincidence that many people who live in north travel south in the winter!
 
One more thing: make sure the kids get outside every day to play! And keep them active.
Children bouncing off the walls inside during winter can drive their mommy crazy! I even got a mini trampoline for inside the house. Kids have lots of energy and if it’s not directed somewhere, it makes life harder on a sahm.
 
There’s been a lot of good advice upthread. I concur with the advice to have her psychologically evaluated.

Alypius76 said

“In the winter though she’s stuck inside with little kids all day and, as she puts it, she “feels like a caged animal”. She’s always hitting her breaking point, and the amount of yelling and screaming in our house is unhealthy. She even breaks dishes sometimes when she gets mad because its the only thing that makes her feel better.”

I sympathize with her feelings about being stuck inside (I start going nuts if I’m home all day–I need fresh air and sunshine every day), but her behavior is really over the top and it’s a very bad example for the kids.

“She’s fine so long as she is “distracted” with something. But the second she’s inside with the kids again she begins to wilt. She can’t keep it together amidst the normal onslaught of mommy demands. Last year she went to her folks for a weekend to get away; she missed the kids dearly and was happy to see them again. But within an hour of being back she was back to her breaking point again. This was par for the course; no break ever seems to be a true “recharge”.”

Try to plan every day in advance, so that there’s some sort of “treat” every day.

It might, for instance, be a good idea for her to go to the grocery store several times a week with the kids to do small shopping trips, rather than doing one massive weekly shopping. Or, for instance, in our area, there’s a good deal on bagels at Panera’s every Tuesday–I get a box every week.

There’s also the library, the pet store, a visit to every Catholic church in town (maybe to light candles and admire the stained glass), any local museums, mothers’ groups, gyms with babysitting, indoor moon bounce places (it costs money, but it’s well spent), coffee with friends at McDonald’s while the kids play in the play area, the play area at IKEA (if you have one in your area), etc.

Where are her friends and family in all this? Doesn’t she have SAHM friends she can invite over for playdates and get playdate invites from? Somebody who is the life of the party ought to have a busy social calendar, even during the winter.

“And it’s taking a hit on our finances - every distraction that keeps her happy (shopping/vacation/social outing) seems to come with a price tag.”

BUDGET. Do a monthly budget and figure out together how to maximize your wife’s winter fun.

“-Moving south is out of the question; my stable job is here, our families are both here and (winter notwithstanding) we like it here. Besides, she wilts in the heat just as bad as she wilts trapped indoors from the cold.”

But if she’s like this 5 months out of the year, then maybe you should consider it. I live in a hot area, and it’s only 3 months of the year that are intolerable, and even then, it’s often possible to enjoy early mornings or late evenings outside.

“-switching roles (her as breadwinner; me as care-giver) is out of the question; even though my temperament (Melancholic) is better suited to staying at home, I have much more employable skills (computer science) than she. We would never be able to make it on her salary. Plus doing the same job day in and day out (routine) is hard for her temperament too.”

One of your options is to make a plan for her to move toward part-time work. You may just need to accept the fact that for the moment, all of her pay will go to childcare.

“Right now we are sort of settling for the “solution” of getting her out of the house at some point almost every day and also hiring a babysitter a couple times a week during the day; but we can barely afford that. And as mentioned above that’s not enough to fix it; She’s still depressed much of the time and just minutes ago lost her cool again with the kids. (Didn’t help that we’re all stuck at home today in a blizzard.)”

She should make plans to leave the house every single day and she eventually needs to figure out how to do it with the kids.

Is the 7-year-old in school and the 4-year-old in preschool or mother’s day out? If so, that leaves just the 2-year-old at home, which ought to be manageable. (I realize that we just finished Christmas break, which can feel really long.) I don’t think your wife is cut out to be a homeschooler.

“Has anyone dealt with anything similar? And what did you to to cope? This has really taken us by surprise; we always thought we were going do the stereotypical Catholic bigger family thing. Unless something changes though, it looks like 3 is all the children we can handle. And we can’t even handle that! No matter what, I don’t think having my wife depressed for 5 months out of the year is an acceptable solution. And its not good for the kids to have a mommy who loves them but who screams at them a lot. I know someday the kids will all be grown but that’s a long ways off - how will we ever get through this?”

I had a really rough time living in an area with a long winter when my kids were a toddler and an infant and then a preschooler and a toddler. My oldest got older and we moved.

All of your kids will be in full-day school within three years, unless there is some sort of special situation you’re not mentioning. Sure, there will be long winter breaks, but you can get through 2 or 3 weeks of break. She doesn’t have to do 5 months at home with 3 kids.
 
Just reflecting on something else you said about the vacation she takes and then she reverts quickly upon coming home…Another issue may be adrenal exhaustion. Certain members of my family have it. They get irritable and vacation is a temporary fix. Some take supplements and they handle stress much better. I think an endocrinologist would be a good consult.
 
There has been a lot of good advice already. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a good bet and may be worth looking into. There is plenty of things still to do in winter it’s just whether your wife will respond to them or be motivated enough. You can still go out, just have to put on a few extra layers. Part of me is wondering if it’s more the time with the kids…I’m sure she loves them dearly and I am not saying she doesn’t, but not everyone is suited to the sahm role. What did she do before kids? Was she quite intellectual? Successful? If this is the case, it might be a little bit of resentment (no one is perfect!) maybe she could find a job where , she works one day of the week. It gets her out of the house, away from the kids and with different people. It might take .just a lot of trial and error to see what works best.
 
I completely understand her!
My dear husband literally saved my life when he decided to hire us household help when my children were preschoolers. We started with teenage babysitters but ended up with a very nice lady who came every day for several hours, Monday through Friday. She did everything, from household chores to helping with the children. It wasn’t that expensive - we budgeted for it and didn’t eat out, etc. Didn’t have to; our housekeeper also cooked when we needed it. Because of her, we avoided babysitting fees, were able to do more at-home cooking and fun things; it ended up saving us money, time, stress, you name it. And my time with my husband and children was transformed into a time of joy and peace rather than frantic stress and feeling like I could never catch up.
I truly wish that today’s generation of mothers could see that they do need more help and that it is okay to get it.
 
Musician said:
She did everything, from household chores to helping with the children. It wasn’t that expensive - we budgeted for it and didn’t eat out, etc. Didn’t have to; our housekeeper also cooked when we needed it. Because of her, we avoided babysitting fees, were able to do more at-home cooking and fun things; it ended up saving us money, time, stress, you name it.
Click to expand...
This sounds awesome, but what else did you have to do to work this into the budget? Even living in our rural area where things tend to be cheaper, that kind of level of support would cost $700-1000/month. I don’t see any way of working that into our budget - that’s more than just “stop going out to eat” kind of money. That’s “I need a promotion” kind of money!
 
I’m familiar with this feeling! I don’t react in the same way your wife does, but I do really get the cabin fever.

I work part-time outside of the home out of necessity, but I’ve found that I actually really enjoy it because it does get me out and socializing with other adults. I work a maximum of 9 hours a week. Adds a few hundred bucks to the budget every month and I get out more, and my husband gets some good time with the kids after work.

Part of the issue with getting out with the kids is that winter is so annoying with kids’ clothes. I don’t mind putting my own hat and coat on, but doing it for a 2 year old, 8 month old, and then buckling them into carseats, can be really obnoxious. Until the past couple of weeks, I don’t think I’d been out this winter with both kids by myself because it was just too much to contemplate it (exhaustion compounded by depression.) But if she can do it, she should do it. Packing a diaper bag and laying out the coats and shoes the night before is a time and energy (and thus sanity) saver.

I would find indoor things to do that still let the kids work off some energy. Children’s museum, nursery groups, open gym hours. These are often very reasonably priced. Is there a mom’s group near you? Your wife could check on Meetup.com. I do a lot of “meetups” with other moms in my area and since many of us are on a budget, we do things in each other’s homes or other places that are free. Not only does it get me and the kids out and about, but I like them because then I don’t get the feeling quite so often that my hard work housekeeping gets ruined in five minutes or less. 😉
 
Another thing a counselor might do is help work with anger issues, anger management.
 
pensmama87 said:
Part of the issue with getting out with the kids is that winter is so annoying with kids’ clothes. I don’t mind putting my own hat and coat on, but doing it for a 2 year old, 8 month old, and then buckling them into carseats, can be really obnoxious.
Click to expand...
BINGO. Very often, the energy required to do things with the kids more than depletes any “benefit” that my wife would otherwise derive from the ability to get out. It’s just best if, when she goes out, she’s by herself!
 
Thanks to all for the suggestions, & especially the prayers!

A few clarifications:
  • I hope I didn’t make her sound too much like an ogre. When she’s not exasperated, she is a delightful person and an excellent mother! She is the love of my life.
  • My wife eats very healthy and exercises daily. So she purposely takes good care of herself at least in that respect!
  • Re: the dish breaking. She doesn’t do it all the time, but it’s been enough times now (4-5 in the past couple years) that I can’t dismiss it as a fluke. She says it honestly makes her feel better - fast. She also claims to know people who buy cheap dishes at the dollar store for that very purpose. I am still highly uncomfortable with it (bad example for the kids), but then again I’m a quiet midwestern farmboy who is uncomfortable with any sort of display of emotions…
  • Re: our reluctance to move. In addition to wanting to be near our family anyway, they are frankly a lifeline for us right now. No amount of warm climate would replace the benefit of having my parents just a few miles down the road, ready to come and take our kids at a moment’s notice if we call. They love our kids and our kids love them.
  • I’m trying my best to be a supportive husband but I’m by no means innocent in this matter either. We have a typical pattern that seems to emerge: she reaches her breaking point with the kids, then blows her top. That causes me to get mad at her and I occasionally blow my top too. I’m fine with the kids; it’s when she loses it with them that I have this internal dialogue kick in like, “you’re the adult here… why can’t you keep it together?” I don’t say that to her of course, but that’s what I’m thinking and why I get irritated at her (until I regain my composure). In the end, I’m not necessarily better, I just have a different “button” that sets me off! I’m a melancholic temperament; I need stability and calm & I feel like I’m constantly being whip-sawed around…
  • We live on a farm in a rural area. Which is a blessing and a curse. In the summer it’s an absolute blessing - life is carefree & outdoors & it’s so great for the kids and all of us. We have a big garden. We raise chickens. We do lots of fun things. In the winter its a curse - being stuck inside much of the time (I do make a skating rink but honestly its sometimes too cold to use it!) and very few options in town to get out. Which is one of the challenges we have. Aside from Walmart, stores pretty much close at 5 every day. We do belong to a Children’s Museum an hour away which is helpful. There’s also a major metro area 3 hrs away that we go to a lot for entertainment. But it’s the “daily grind” M-F that, more than anything, is the hard part.
  • We do take a vacation every winter. Nothing fancy, but the change of pace is helpful. This year we are going to visit friends in California. It should buy us a week or so but alone won’t “fix” our problem.
  • She doesn’t WANT to be a “princess”. If she could just turn it off she would. That comment was made (in tears) this past weekend when she was remarking on how last week went fairly well, and then she suddenly realized it only went well because everyone around her (me; my folks; her folks) was literally bending over backwards to take over her responsibilities (childcare etc) so that she could just be carefree & out & about. She’s not “high maintenance” in the typical superficial sense of needing jewelry, etc. But she IS “high maintenance” in another sense of needing to be very carefree.
  • SAD was a good bet, but we have (we think) pretty much ruled it out. She’s been to the doc & is on Vit D supplements.
  • Not that we’ve had a professional psych eval, but I’m doubtful on this being a typical depression/mental health issue. She gets depressed, yes, but it’s not a “lasting” sort of thing. The issue really seems to be that there are certain stressors, and a breaking point where the stressors add up and she can’t take it anymore. When the stressors are removed - presto - she is perfectly happy, almost instantaneously. (Yesterday we were cooped up inside during a blizzard, the kids were bouncing off the walls, and she was at the end of her rope; today the sun is out, the kids are gone with others, she has lunch plans with a friend, a hair appt in the afternoon, and we have dinner plans tonight, and she is buzzing around happy as a lark.) The stressors are these: 1)any sort of pain/discomfort 2)any sort of routine 3)having any sort of demand/expectation placed on her. (obviously, they are unavoidable when one is a parent with small kids) Now, we all have stressors and a breaking point, but she seems to have less fortitude than the average person and just can’t seem to push through it like most of us can. I have seen her go from happy to super crabby in minutes just from being hungry. Most of us just keep it together - despite our discomfort and low blood sugar - until we find some food; she goes into full “gasping for air” mode and I’ve just learned to keep myself & the kids away until she gets something in her tummy. Then 2 min later she’s fine.
 
Cont’d…
So in summary the main difference between winter & summer for us is not daylight but the amount of “critical mass” of stressors in her life between the two times. In the summer things are largely unstructured, we are outside a lot, there is a lot of variety, and frankly the kids are not on top of each other and there is a lot less fighting and fewer demands being placed on her. In the winter, it’s unaviodable - we are inside more, there is more structure (routine) in the week, and the kids are placing more demands on her, and bickering with each other more. She can “lose it” in the summer too - but it’s just a lot less frequent and it never lasts long. She can be happy in the winter too - if the stressors are removed. But as a general rule enough stressors are there and she’s riding that line most of the time in the winter.

Last winter was the first point where it became obvious that we had a real problem on our hands. Prior to that things had just been slowly building. When we were younger and dating she was in grad school & it was just the nature of the time in our lives that there was always a lot of variety & excitement & not a lot of real responsibility. The perfect situation where this kind of personality quirk would never manifest itself. In retrospect the first inclination of the problem we are having today was early in our marriage, though we didn’t know it at the time. We had decided she would work until we had our first child, at which point she would stay home. It took us a few years to conceive, and so she worked for awhile. But she was always unhappy and restless with her job, and trying to find another one. And I could never understand that. There was nothing wrong with the job, she was making a solid salary (given her skillset), and we both knew it was “temporary” anyway. Now I know - it was the “routine” and “responsibility” aspect of it that was eating her alive. So fast forward now - we have three kids, and to be frank our 2yo is a handful - she’s a classic Choleric temperament & very willful and demanding. And it just seems too much for her to take. Of all the stressors, the biggest thing that wears her down quickly is the constant barrage of “mommy, mommy, mommy” demands that small kids tend to give. I try to fend that off the best I can, but you know how it is - I’m just ol’ dad, and kids want their mommy.

And in the end, we are just dealing with a situation in the wintertime which is more than what she can handle right now. And we don’t seem to have the resources to fix it enough for her to handle. I have to work 40 hrs/week, there’s no way around that. so there’s 40 hrs where I cannot be the childcare provider. We can afford a part-time babysitter but not the almost full-time that would seem to be needed to “fix” the situation. We do use my parents help a lot, and they would help more if we asked, but for various reasons full-time offloading to them would not be helpful either. It’s best if they stay in a “supporting” role. My wife could find a job, yes, to have an “even exchange” with the cost of childcare but that would tap into that whole “routine” thing that brings her down and I really don’t think would help. Plus she is always fighting “mommy guilt”. I have to keep talking her out of comparing herself to all the homeschooling stay-at-home supermoms with 8 kids that we have around here. Obviously their calling in life is not her caling in life; but that doesn’t stop her from feeling bad about it. Even though removing the kids from her presence helps, there is a point at which it is “too much” and works against her. She needs to be around them, even if she can’t be “in charge” of them.

Anyway, thanks again to all for the suggestions. And also for letting me vent a bit. It looks like we may need to continue to at least consider things medically (the adrenal exhaustion possibility was a new one for me) an possibly psychologically. Most of all though we clearly need to find more outside babysitting help - somehow. And I suppose in a few years this will be a distant memory when the kids are older and less “mommy, mommy, mommy” (especially the young one). Any other suggestions anyone has I will gladly accept as well!
 
Would it help to move “to town,” rather than being out in the country?

One of the possibilities that you might want to investigate is that your wife may have some sort of attention deficit. I don’t know what the protocol is for adult ADHD, but it’s possible that medication could give all of you some relief. Bipolar also comes to mind as a possibility.

I would definitely seek a thorough psychological evaluation.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top