Stay-at-home Mom + Cabin Fever

[pensmama87]

Would it help to move “to town,” rather than being out in the country?

One of the possibilities that you might want to investigate is that your wife may have some sort of attention deficit. I don’t know what the protocol is for adult ADHD, but it’s possible that medication could give all of you some relief. Bipolar also comes to mind as a possibility.

I would definitely seek a thorough psychological evaluation.

I agree. Everyone has to endure stressors in their lives…and many people don’t learn positive ways to cope, for whatever reason. A counselor may be able to help your wife recognize negative coping behaviors and develop better ones, because while alleviating the worst stressors will help, your wife will still have to face negative stress.

ETA: I found that listening to talk radio (not the people who yell, but something soothing) is very helpful when I’m stuck in the house. It doesn’t make me want to veg out like TV does, but I still get to hear adult voices and about things other than “I want a snack” or “no Mommy, that’s the wrong puzzle piece.” Audiobooks might be good too.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

SAD was a good bet, but we have (we think) pretty much ruled it out. She’s been to the doc & is on Vit D supplements.
Not that we’ve had a professional psych eval, but I’m doubtful on this being a typical depression/mental health issue. She gets depressed, yes, but it’s not a “lasting” sort of thing. The issue really seems to be that there are certain stressors, and a breaking point where the stressors add up and she can’t take it anymore. When the stressors are removed - presto - she is perfectly happy, almost instantaneously. (Yesterday we were cooped up inside during a blizzard, the kids were bouncing off the walls, and she was at the end of her rope; today the sun is out, the kids are gone with others, she has lunch plans with a friend, a hair appt in the afternoon, and we have dinner plans tonight, and she is buzzing around happy as a lark.) The stressors are these:
)any sort of pain/discomfort
**2)any sort of routine **
3)having any sort of demand/expectation placed on her. (obviously, they are unavoidable when one is a parent with small kids)
Now, we all have stressors and a breaking point, but she seems to have less fortitude than the average person and just can’t seem to push through it like most of us can. I have seen her go from happy to super crabby in minutes just from being hungry. Most of us just keep it together - despite our discomfort and low blood sugar - until we find some food; she goes into full “gasping for air” mode and I’ve just learned to keep myself & the kids away until she gets something in her tummy. Then 2 min later she’s fine.

SAD or ordinary depression could still be an issue. As others have said also, it can’t hurt to talk to her dr again and see if some counseling or therapy will help.

Routine is very helpful when dealing with children. And it sounds like it would be helpful to her too - especially regular meals/snacks. Small children do very well when they know what to expect and if the family isn’t eating regularly (at about the same times each day, and healthy food) the kids are going to be cranky and act up justlike mommy does. That can’t help anyone.

I highly recommend counselling for your wife and a parenting class for both of you. Yes, you both are probably great parents, but even good parents can learn a trick or two.

As a young mother, I found advice from mothers with slightly older children was very helpful in learning how to navigate life with young kids. Inexpensive ways to keep them entertained, good discipline methods, etc.

A treat or two is understandable, but a day scheduled like a well-off single woman (no kids, lunch with the girls, hairdresser, evening date) shouldn’t be what it takes to keep her happy.

You say she “wilts” and that sounds like a great description. Fortitude is a virtue (not the "I’m such a martyr"version) that she should ask for in prayer. There is a wonderful novena to the Holy Spirit that perhaps you two could say. In all her prayers she can continually ask for fortitude. If we ask, we shall receive - especially a virtue that God wants us all to have.

 

[ClearWater]

You said she went to a doctor, got Vit. D, but did she go to a psychologist to get this diagnosed? If so, what was the diagnosis? Did she have one? It was said she had depression. If so, did the counselor ever say anything about a referral for medication, like an antidepressant, even if it’s only temporary, for the worst winter months, say? Does she get counseling for this?

If so, how did the antidepressant work? If one ever goes for medication, one needs to go back for follow up if it’s not doing what one thinks it’s supposed to and say…“Hey, this isn’t working”…to which the response would be…to give it more time, to adjust the dosage, to switch to another kind, or even change the time of day it’s taken.

If she hasn’t tried seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist, you haven’t tried everything, yet.

Now, some people resist seeing these specialists, which is a crying shame. There are some wonderful, and great, people on, and off, the forum who need a little help…counseling and/or medication. With these two means, it can help a lot of folks.

Some don’t want to even try these options, and that’s unfortunate, due to the stigma. However, all of us occasionally need a little help. My family has a strong history of depression. Sometimes, depression can be a symptom of something else.

Well, depression often accompanies most mental illnesses. Now, please don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. I, myself, have been diagnosed with depression, at times, which is technically a “mental illness”. Still, I would not hesitate to see a psychologist and/or psychiatrist for help.

However, there exist people who would rather suffer, have their entire families and friends suffer, than admit they need help and at least try to get it.

There are an awful lot of intelligent, nice, people who have something in their makeup, be it genetic, environmental, whatever, where they just need a little extra help.

I look at it this way. If I had a broken leg, I wouldn’t feel badly about seeing a doctor. This sounds like the psychological equivalent of something broken. Therefore, she needs a doctor that specializes in this, if it hasn’t been already tried.

Now, if medication like antidepressants haven’t been tried, let me just add that some people don’t like to try them, also, because they have gotten a bad reputation as being addictive. Well, what I’d say about that is even in the last 20 years, or so, there have been very significant advancements where a number of those addictive ones have pretty much fallen more into disuse, some have been replaced by more non-addictive forms.

So, if one even tried medication years ago and didn’t like it, realize it’s different now than a number of years ago.

 

[takers]

Would it be possible to get the kids involved in preschool? That way she’d get breaks throughout the week, the kids would be entertained/get their wiggles out outside of the house, and it would be cheaper than daycare.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…We have a typical pattern that seems to emerge: she reaches her breaking point with the kids, then blows her top. That causes me to get mad at her and I occasionally blow my top too. …
The issue really seems to be that there are certain stressors, and a breaking point where the stressors add up and she can’t take it anymore. When the stressors are removed - presto - she is perfectly happy, almost instantaneously. (Yesterday we were cooped up inside during a blizzard, the kids were bouncing off the walls, and she was at the end of her rope; today the sun is out, the kids are gone with others, she has lunch plans with a friend, a hair appt in the afternoon, and we have dinner plans tonight, and she is buzzing around happy as a lark.) ** The stressors are these: 1)any sort of pain/discomfort 2)any sort of routine 3)having any sort of demand/expectation placed on her. **(obviously, they are unavoidable when one is a parent with small kids) **Now, we all have stressors and a breaking point, but she seems to have less fortitude than the average person and just can’t seem to push through it like most of us can. I have seen her go from happy to super crabby in minutes just from being hungry. Most of us just keep it together - despite our discomfort and low blood sugar - until we find some food; ** she goes into full “gasping for air” mode and I’ve just learned to keep myself & the kids away until she gets something in her tummy. Then 2 min later she’s fine.

Cont’d…
So in summary the main difference between winter & summer for us is not daylight but the amount of “critical mass” of stressors in her life between the two times. In the summer things are largely unstructured, we are outside a lot, there is a lot of variety, and frankly the kids are not on top of each other and there is a lot less fighting and fewer demands being placed on her. In the winter, it’s unaviodable - we are inside more, there is more structure (routine) in the week, and the kids are placing more demands on her, and bickering with each other more. She can “lose it” in the summer too - but it’s just a lot less frequent and it never lasts long. She can be happy in the winter too - if the stressors are removed. But as a general rule enough stressors are there and she’s riding that line most of the time in the winter.

…Plus she is always fighting “mommy guilt”. I have to keep talking her out of comparing herself to all the homeschooling stay-at-home supermoms with 8 kids that we have around here. Obviously their calling in life is not her caling in life; but that doesn’t stop her from feeling bad about it. …Any other suggestions anyone has I will gladly accept as well!

I’ve given a lot of thought to this thread. I’m a homeschooling mother of eight who lives in the country and in a state with long, cold winters. And if your wife was to compare herself to me, then to be fair she’d have to compare herself to the me I was when I had three children.

And if you were to compare your wife to me, then you need to know something my husband learned the hard way–I get extremely crabby when I’m hungry. That’s not an unusual trait in women and children. Most children do NOT keep it together when they are hungry. And some women don’t either. It is a bit humbling to realize that while I like to think of myself as a nice person, I’m really only a nice person when I’m well fed and everything is going my way.

Stressors in winter–yes! I understand. Kids bouncing off the walls because it’s too cold to go outside I know that well. I mentioned earlier the small trampoline in my house. I don’t know your house size, but with young children in a wintry climate, if you have a basement or barn, make use of the space to hold climbers and bouncy things, otherwise the kids and all their misdirected energy will drive her crazy!!! Besides the trampoline, we’ve used sit and spins, the large bouncy ball that kids sit on (that pop when the big kids sit on them, resulting in tears), chalk board paint with chalk for the walls, air hockey table, small indoor hockey sets, etc. etc. Not all at once, but over the years we’ve made good use of our basement as a mini sports court and activity center.

Plus there are various church and/or community activities with the kids that make use of indoor basketball courts etc. If your church doesn’t have some of those opportunities, perhaps you might consider volunteering to start one.

As for her dislike of routine, well, I don’t know how any sahm manage without some type of routine. Every time I hear about some sah mom having serious problems coping, it seems that a common denominator is they don’t have a good routine established. It doesn’t have to be strict–I also thrive on spontaneity–but some type of general routine really is necessary. While she says she doesn’t like it, maybe she just hasn’t stuck with a routine long enough to see the positive effects. It doesn’t sound like she likes her current “routine” of breaking down and having to rely on her husband and in-laws for support because she can’t cope! A lack of routine can also fall into a bit of a pattern, but the difference is that it’s a dysfunctional pattern.

 

[gardenswithkids]

(con’t)

You sound like a wonderful and kind husband, but let me make an analogy. Some people have trouble walking, and they may need a cane or even crutches. If someone needs a cane, it doesn’t really help them much to place them in a wheelchair! It might get them around and maybe they’ll even need it at times, but using a wheelchair doesn’t help them learn to walk. You and your parents sound like you are trying really hard to help your wife. I’m not there so I can’t really judge, but it sounds a bit like you and your parents might be doing a little too much of the wrong things for your wife, and not enough of the right things. Help her get stronger. And help her find the tools to help her cope–tools like the proper proportion of routine to spontaneity.

Moms of eight usually learned a few things somewhere between baby #1 and child #8 that help us cope and manage. Instead of both of you dismissing that she’s just not of the same temperament and can’t be compared to moms of eight, maybe give her a little more credit–and drop the “supermom” stereotype for other women, (who might get a little crabbier than you realize when we’re tired and hungry and our routines have fallen apart because some blasted winter blizzard!:snowing: )

Oh, And that “mommy guilt” that you mentioned, well that’s also a very common problem. I struggle with cabin fever only in the winter, but mommy guilt lasts all year!

Forgive me, but I’m also going to add that it feel it’s a little condescending to this homeschooling mom of eight when homeschooling moms of eight are held out like “Supermoms”. It’s hard work, along with God’s grace, and we didn’t get here overnight! When people watch skilled athletes or listen to talented musicians, they don’t usually dismiss all the years of practice and devotion that it took to help develop their God-given talents. It takes years of practice and a lot of work to make something that is hard look easy. And so it is with mothering large families. I certainly don’t know what God has planned for your wife and your family, but back when I had three children I never in my wildest dreams imagined myself becoming a homeschooling mother of eight. Despite now being a homeschooling mother of eight, I am not a Supermom–and as I stay up late tonight writing this response, I will likely be crabby in the morning.

That reminds me–another tip–strong coffee in the morning! But… I now limit coffee and caffeine after because I found it made me more easily irritated with the kids. Coffee works wonders, but, sadly, there can be such a thing as too much. Just as there can be such a thing as too much help.

 

[Auntie_A]

Cont’d…Anyway, thanks again to all for the suggestions. And also for letting me vent a bit. It looks like we may need to continue to at least consider things medically (the adrenal exhaustion possibility was a new one for me) an possibly psychologically. Most of all though we clearly need to find more outside babysitting help - somehow. And I suppose in a few years this will be a distant memory when the kids are older and less “mommy, mommy, mommy” (especially the young one). Any other suggestions anyone has I will gladly accept as well!

The more I read your descriptions, the more I am reminded of the young women in my family with adrenal, thyroid, and blood sugar issues-all endocrinology. Of course, these issues can be part of, or in addition to other problems, but they are worth a look.

The other thing (and I believe someone mentioned it) is looking at the parent/child issues. When a kid is sensing a tired mom they seem to need them more (the “mommy- mommy” cries) and I know with my little niece that I raised, that she always got more needy and annoying when I was sick and in need of quiet and downtime…like clockwork. That little habit just needs to be changed: Baby cries, Mommy sighs, baby cries more, Mommy feels sicker… I think sometimes an entire family needs an overhaul and needs to start out on a new and better footing.

PRAYER,
NUTRITION (There is a great book by a nutritionist. It’s called “The Mood Cure”.by Julia Ross. The beginning of the book has a series of tests that you take and your score can help screen for certain issues like thyroid, adrenal, blood sugar, etc. If your score is high in a particular test, you read a particular chapter that helps you deal with things nutritionally. Very sound ideas that may help an entire family cope better.
GOOD COUNSEL,
FULFILLING DREAMS (I agree with Matthew Kelly about families needing to help each other fulfill dreams.), and
DISCIPLINE (My sister frequently reminds parents that discipline is not about punishment; it is about positively requesting and encouraging better behavior so that punishment will not be necessary)

And you can try out those full spectrum lamps. The whole family might benefit from them.

Good luck.

 

[mommy_k]

You have gotten great advice. You already know your wife also seems to need a break from caring for the kids all day and needs to do something for herself. is there a way she can take a fun night class at the community college? Or perhaps a Saturday class?-Many are offered and some are dance, music, art,or sports. The classes cost less then a spa day or a decent shopping outing anyway.

Another suggestion is a gym membership. She can tailor her visits around your schedule in both situations. Exercise is so important and the stress melts away. I am a stay at home mom, and have done a lot of different things when I felt I needed adult interaction, or time for my self.

I think the prospect of looking forward to something every week will help.

 

[Alypius76]

gardenswithkids - thank you so much for your very well-thought-out response. Your response in particular has touched me.

if you have a basement or barn, make use of the space to hold climbers and bouncy things, otherwise the kids and all their misdirected energy will drive her crazy

We do have a good sized basement. And it has a trampoline! We also have a unique configuration upstairs where three rooms form a “loop” which the kids frequently turn into a racetrack. It helps! But unfortunately nothing quite replaces the great outdoors.

Forgive me, but I’m also going to add that it feel it’s a little condescending to this homeschooling mom of eight when homeschooling moms of eight are held out like “Supermoms”. It’s hard work, along with God’s grace, and we didn’t get here overnight!

My apologies if that comment sounded condescending! We have the utmost respect and awe for large families who homeschool, and understand that it is really. hard. work. And doesn’t come easy. And that things fall apart. What my wife compares herself to is the way that some of those mothers “push through” the pain in their household in a way that she seemingly cannot.

I’m not there so I can’t really judge, but it sounds a bit like you and your parents might be doing a little too much of the wrong things for your wife, and not enough of the right things. Help her get stronger. And help her find the tools to help her cope–tools like the proper proportion of routine to spontaneity.

You may be onto something here. I’ve taken this comment to heart & will pray over it.

 

[Alypius76]

Thanks again to everyone for the suggestions! I have a lot to chew over. Please keep my family in your prayers.

 

[bmaj]

Lots of good advice above. Haven’t had time to read through each post, but I’d also add a few suggestions in case they haven’t been mentioned yet…
Perhaps she can try to get outside in the yard at least for a few minutes on the days when it’s not below freezing or not too frigid. Bundling up the kids to get some fresh air (I know this is work, but it can be well worth it!) as long as they’re healthy can be great for them and your wife! They can build a snowman or snow fort, go sledding, or just walk around outside, explore, and enjoy nature’s wonders. And your wife probably wouldn’t even have to be real involved most of the time - just for supervision. Even the youngest would probably be mesmerized to watch the older ones playing in the snow! She could probably even find time to chat on the cellphone with a friend while supervising the kids outside if she enjoys that. I love to do bits of “yard work” in the winter when the temps get bearable in between the frigid spells. It helps to clear the mind and always puts me in a happier frame of mind.
Also would recommend rearranging the furniture in the house in the winter once in awhile - it can give a whole new outlook on the indoors!
She also might want to join a support group here at CAF for mothers - or create one if she doesn’t see one she likes. It can really help take your mind off your own thoughts by helping others find solutions to their issues.
I also highly recommend using the local library as much as possible - most have story hours for children where the Moms can have an hour to themselves or sit with the real young ones while socializing with other Moms.
And all of the above is free!
Peace and prayers for you, your wife, and your beautiful family. Things like this will likely also get much better as the kids gets older and less dependent upon your wife, so try to hang in there. Better days are hopefully coming soon.

 

[gardenswithkids]

gardenswithkids - thank you so much for your very well-thought-out response. Your response in particular has touched me.

We do have a good sized basement. And it has a trampoline! We also have a unique configuration upstairs where three rooms form a “loop” which the kids frequently turn into a racetrack. It helps! But unfortunately nothing quite replaces the great outdoors…

You are very welcome. A few more thoughts about running in house.

We also have a “loop” that my kids try to run around. They try, but we don’t let them. Seriously, we limit certain type of activities to the basement. Running upstairs is not permitted. It gets on my nerves. When my school aged children start running around the house, even in winter send them outside to run around the house on the outside. “If you run around the house, then you have to run around the house!” Running in the house is my clue to send the kids outside or to the basement trampoline!

Let me share a little story that illistrates some parenting difference between mom and dad, (at least here at our house.) One of our children was just getting a little too wild for me with running in the living room, but my husband said to let it go. I said nothing more, (but it still bothered me! Within about under five minutes we were taking our toddler to the emergency room because he fell against a table and had a gash by his eye and was bleeding profusely, (head wounds bleed a lot!) He still has the scar as a teen.

What dads may think is perfectly appropriate may irritate and worry moms. Sometimes we’re overprotective and just worry, but other times we are trying to prevent a looming disaster.

Besides the possibility of physical injury, it makes it harder to have nice stuff in the house if the kids treat the entire home like a gymnasium. Many women like their homes decorated nicely. All the paraphanalial that accompanies parenthood today can make it difficult to live like a “normal” grown-up. That’s not how it always used to be back in a bygone era when people had larger families and smaller homes with grown-up rooms like “parlors” or “siting rooms” that were mostly off-limits to the children.

You started this thread because your wife isn’t coping too well. Ask her how she feels about their running around that loop in the upstairs. It would drive me crazy!