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StratusRose
Guest
Look at it this way…a divorce would have been MUCH more expensive.
We’re all here for one another.
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We’re all here for one another.
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Belle10
Guest
Good for you Nikki!
I know this must be a very hard time for you, but I’m sure when you get back to Mass and the sacraments, Jesus will strengthen you. He loves you so much and wants you and your son to have a healthy, happy life. Ask Him to guide you and He will. :yup: Offering a prayer for you now! 
:hug1:
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jwashu
Guest
Nikki, from reading yours posts I know this must be both frightening and sad but as the others have said, I believe you are doing the right thing.
You have given so much to this man and he has basically taken you for granted on every level.
Trust in Christ, He has a plan for you and your son. It may not happen tomorrow or even in a few months, but there is a good Man out there for you, one who will be faithful, a good father and who will take part if your Christiain life.
While I know many parishes don’t have nurserys, most also understanding going to Mass with kids (even when they are difficult). Is your son Baptized yet? If not I would attend those classes and get that done, go to confession and back to Mass and start recieving our Lord in the Eucharist to help give you strength in this time… and trust in Him, the right person is there for you!
Joe
You have given so much to this man and he has basically taken you for granted on every level.
Trust in Christ, He has a plan for you and your son. It may not happen tomorrow or even in a few months, but there is a good Man out there for you, one who will be faithful, a good father and who will take part if your Christiain life.
While I know many parishes don’t have nurserys, most also understanding going to Mass with kids (even when they are difficult). Is your son Baptized yet? If not I would attend those classes and get that done, go to confession and back to Mass and start recieving our Lord in the Eucharist to help give you strength in this time… and trust in Him, the right person is there for you!
Joe
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RWMorris
Guest
Nikki,
You’re making the right decision although I know your heart is breaking. But you WILL get over it, whereas if you marry this man, your heart will break over and over again.
Praying for you,
Lissa
You’re making the right decision although I know your heart is breaking. But you WILL get over it, whereas if you marry this man, your heart will break over and over again.
Praying for you,
Lissa
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timotheos
Guest
nikkib303, please, please do not ever use this justification. I know what I am talking about. Find a good priest or married deacon to talk to. We work out our salvation with Jesus; we don’t assign ourselves a situation to punish our sins out of us.
May God bless you in your days ahead,
-Tim
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nikkib303
Guest
I am still just having such a hard time with this decision. I know it isn’t my parents decision to make, but I feel like they have made it for me. And although I know it is the right one, he seems so genuinely remorseful, I feel like we should get some counseling this time and try to make it work. He came yesterday and took the baby for awhile, and this was the first time I had seen him since we broke up last Wednesday. I just wish he would move on. I swear it would be easier if he had broke up with me.
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Belle10
Guest
You have acknowledged all the wrong he has done, you sought the advice of others (including people here) and you KNOW leaving him is the right decision. Just because your parents agree doesn’t mean they made it for you, it means they love you and don’t want you to be treated this way any longer!
He seems remorseful – you said it. He has done the same thing to you over and over. If he were truly remorseful, he would’ve stopped treating you like garbage long ago. This is not a man who understands love and marriage, and you’re in for a lifetime (or however long) of pain if you stay with him/marry him.
Sure it might be easier if he had broken up with you, but that’s not how things are. Jesus didn’t promise things would be easy (in fact, He told us we are to follow Him and carry our crosses), but He did promise He would never leave us and would help us through difficulties in life. Get back to the sacraments and get close to Him again. He’ll give you the strength you need to do the right thing for yourself and your child.
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dulcissima
Guest
Some people really know how to string others along on hope…hope that next time he won’t hurt, that he gets it at last. Really though, the only thing that they do get is that they can hurt you and that you’ll give them another chance. There comes a time when you need to hold them accountable though. Don’t be held hostage by this hope, and don’t sentence your child to growing up believing that this is acceptable behavior for a husband.
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timotheos
Guest
nikkib303, be honest here for a second. Do you think he is genuinely remorseful because he has done this to you, in the sight of God? Or because he got caught, and your relationship is conditional upon his behavior?
When you get married, it is until death do you part. You cannot leave him if he decides to return to this behavior, and he will have this figured out pretty quick. If his remorse will only be triggered by threatening to leave … well, you can figure it out.
I am so sorry you are in this dilemma, may God comfort you in your distress.
-Tim
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nikkib303
Guest
I just want to thank everyone for their words and encouragement. Every day, I am crying less and less and hoping I can move forward. My next question is this:
He is still thinking that we are going to get back together and saying that he will do whatever it takes. After six months to a year of living apart, if he is showing true signs of change, has gotten counseling, etc. should I consider forgiving or should I just tell him now that there is nothing he could do to save this relationship? I just need an outside perspective, because I know that i cannot look clearly at the situation.
He is still thinking that we are going to get back together and saying that he will do whatever it takes. After six months to a year of living apart, if he is showing true signs of change, has gotten counseling, etc. should I consider forgiving or should I just tell him now that there is nothing he could do to save this relationship? I just need an outside perspective, because I know that i cannot look clearly at the situation.
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dulcissima
Guest
I think you should go to individual counseling yourself to help you get some much needed perspective. Then if you want to consider a plan for getting back together, I think you need to set a soonest possible time that you would reevaluate the relationhip within. I think that should be no sooner than a year. In addition, what kinds of measurable evidence of improvement would you use to evaluate his progress and his trustworthiness. It sounds like he needs to work on issues of being self-sufficient. Maybe he needs to prove himself as continuing to be an involved dad. Then I would see what his feelings are towards you without being in a relationship. How soon does he run out and get involved in another realtionship? I think that might give you an idea about his true feelings towards you.
Of course I think most importantly, you need the time on your own to get a better feeling for who you are as an individual. Sometimes relationships like the one that you have been in are really damaging to our sense of self. I think you need to know that you can go on without him. I think you need to know that you have value as a person…and I think you need to know what your own values are. I hope that you can see a counselor, because that will really help you both with healing and with discernment.
You might also want to check out this book…
amazon.com/Rebuilding-Relationship-Books-Divorce-Beyond/dp/1886230692/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203024324&sr=8-1
Of course I think most importantly, you need the time on your own to get a better feeling for who you are as an individual. Sometimes relationships like the one that you have been in are really damaging to our sense of self. I think you need to know that you can go on without him. I think you need to know that you have value as a person…and I think you need to know what your own values are. I hope that you can see a counselor, because that will really help you both with healing and with discernment.
You might also want to check out this book…
amazon.com/Rebuilding-Relationship-Books-Divorce-Beyond/dp/1886230692/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203024324&sr=8-1
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1ke
Guest
This is “if it were me”: If it were me, I would have to say that the relationship is beyond repair. If it were me, I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. So he behaves for a year (that you know of… he can always be doing things you DON’T know about). Or a year and a day. Or two days… you will always be wondering… “is it going to last.”
I could never trust him, nor would I allow someone who would have anal sex with a prostitute near me EVER again.
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nikkib303
Guest
I am going to get counseling, and so is he, both individually. I agree with you, as how will I know what he is doing or who he is talking to while we don’t live together. I have to get back to church. I now realize that I don’t know what is best for me, and Someone with much more wisdom knows the answer. Hopefully I can find that answer, and so can he. I also hope that no matter what, we can still be good partners in raising our son, because no matter what he has done to me, he has always been there for our baby, and I know that the hardest thing for him is being seperated from him. I wish he had thought of the consequences of his actions when he was on the phone.
Ike - you might be confused with the other “should i stay” post. The most I have caught him doing is talking to other girls. Not to say he hasn’t done more, but that is all I know for sure.
Ike - you might be confused with the other “should i stay” post. The most I have caught him doing is talking to other girls. Not to say he hasn’t done more, but that is all I know for sure.
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chevalier
Guest
I wish you the best with that and I’ll pray for you both and the little one as well. No one is beyond redemption and there’s no such thing as a person who’s barred from improving his life to the point of achieving sainthood after being the worst sinner on earth. Probabilities are low, but probabilities are not everything. It would be imprudent naively to believe that he will change, but it is not imprudent to go to counselling and to pray for him. And good decision on sticking to your faith.
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ThyKingdomCome
Guest
Ok, this may sound extreme, but this is what I’d do if it were me:
If I were in your shoes, the first thing I would do is break it off with him. For the long term. Then I would tell him that if he really does want to change that he can get counselling, and be a good single father to our son. For me to consider being a couple, I would expect him to prove to me over the course of several years that he is trustworthy. By that I mean several years of him not seeing anyone else, and of he and I not dating either. We’d be in each others lives as parents and, so I’d have the chance to see a change.
On the surface, this idea of no dating anyone for several years sounds unreasonable, but I have heard many experts advise single parents not to date while their children are young. So given that you and he are both responsible for this little person’s soul, I think it would actually be a reasonable request, as well as a reasonable thing to consider for myself. In fact, while I would give him the option of showing me a change over many years, I would not “count on it.” Rather, I would get on with my life as a single mother, and plan for that to be my life for the next 18 years. If he changed, Alleluia. If not, I didn’t stay single for him, but for my child.
Of course, I also realize that just because I think it is a reasonable request, doesn’t mean that you or he would be willing to give up the search for another mate. In that case, I’d have to say it’s time to end the romantic part of your relationship now, as he is not trustworthy, and won’t be proven trustworthy for a very very long time if ever.
If I were in your shoes, the first thing I would do is break it off with him. For the long term. Then I would tell him that if he really does want to change that he can get counselling, and be a good single father to our son. For me to consider being a couple, I would expect him to prove to me over the course of several years that he is trustworthy. By that I mean several years of him not seeing anyone else, and of he and I not dating either. We’d be in each others lives as parents and, so I’d have the chance to see a change.
On the surface, this idea of no dating anyone for several years sounds unreasonable, but I have heard many experts advise single parents not to date while their children are young. So given that you and he are both responsible for this little person’s soul, I think it would actually be a reasonable request, as well as a reasonable thing to consider for myself. In fact, while I would give him the option of showing me a change over many years, I would not “count on it.” Rather, I would get on with my life as a single mother, and plan for that to be my life for the next 18 years. If he changed, Alleluia. If not, I didn’t stay single for him, but for my child.
Of course, I also realize that just because I think it is a reasonable request, doesn’t mean that you or he would be willing to give up the search for another mate. In that case, I’d have to say it’s time to end the romantic part of your relationship now, as he is not trustworthy, and won’t be proven trustworthy for a very very long time if ever.
- Status