Staying Married after Infidelity by Wife

[BlueEyedLady]

People also don’t want to acknowledge that if a woman came here and complained about what OP has complained of, she would be told “dump him; he’s a sinner,” etc., and given a litany of how everyone knew how hard she had it, etc.

Bad enough that that would occur. Even worse that OP has been trashed over weaponer again, yet it was his wife who slept with another man.

You people don’t know how bad you come across…to say nothing of how hard you at being on OP.

Arguing about what we “would” say if XYZ were the case instead of ABC is asinine. Stick to the topic at hand and if you have a disagreement with what has actually been said, address that point. I know you love to stir up hypothetical battles of the sexes, but grow up.

And here’s the thing, I can’t believe the OP wants the marriage back. After everything his wife has done, I couldn’t imagine lying down next to her every night. But, look at how things got to this point, the person who swore be faithful to her and help her get to heaven spit in her face, turned to other women, and admits that he continues to do so. This has been going on for 15 years! It’s very much akin to denying your spouse sex or using intimacy as a weapon and being shocked that after 15 years, your husband found someone who does want to be close to him and keep him satisfied. Yes, the affair is wrong, and maybe even a greater wrong than the original offense (though since he entered into the marriage with this secret I’m not sure), but it’s certainly no surprise.

Would you coddle a woman denying sex to her husband after she’s cheated on the way you’re coddling the OP? I’m not justifying her actions at all, but she isn’t here, he is. And it doesn’t do him any favors to sweep his wrongs under the rug and just say “oh, poor baby”.

 

[PolarGuy]

Calling me names does nothing to impress anyone with your reasoning. It just makes you look bad, and is an acknowledgment that you are struggling to respond substantively.

(And still nary a word for the husband who was cheated on).

 

[MomaMary8]

People also don’t want to acknowledge that if a woman came here and complained about what OP has complained of, she would be told “dump him; he’s a sinner,” etc., and given a litany of how everyone knew how hard she had it, etc.

Bad enough that that would occur. Even worse that OP has been trashed over and over again, yet it was his wife who slept with another man.

You people don’t know how bad you come across…to say nothing of how hard you at being on OP.

Polar Guy, I’ll pray for you. I only seem to see your posts that attack women on this board. I can only guess at what has caused all this hatred in you. You have twisted our words and accused us of being sexist and discriminatory in our advice and observations. It would be better that we continue to try to help the OP rather than stoop to sexist stereotypes and accusations. Ignoring the OPs culpability in a situation will not help him advance in his spirituality.

 

[MomaMary8]

MomaMary8,
first off let me say “praise God for your openness to life in having 10 children”. Now let me try to respond kindly to your questions. Both are mortal sins and both broke vows of chastity, but one one of us realizes this and has confessed and seeks healing and forgiveness and the other doesn’t for whatever reason. What did I start? I do not accept any responsibility for the choice of my spouse to sleep with another man. I was not asked about this before it happened and it did not have my consent. As to the question “Are you done with porn, OP?” Are you done with all your sin? By God’s grace I no longer believe what I used to about it, and I pursue holiness and Virtue in an effort to change my heart regarding sexual impurity and chastity, but ultimately I don’t know my own heart well enough to change by myself. I pray for God’s grace in this matter and ask for your prayers. How can you begin to trust someone who has betrayed you, refuses to apologize or to act in a trustworthy manner? If someone stole all the money you had saved for 50 years, would you just give him your trust with another million dollars? When people say they cannot change their spouse what they really mean is you cannot tell your spouse what to do, and expect them to just do it without question. But, by practicing virtue and becoming holy, you cannot not only change your spouse, but the world. I accept that I cannot control her actions. I do love her freely, but I think only God can love without expectations in return. I have already accepted my part of this mess. I do carry the burden, not only of my actions, but of hers as well. I am willing to do this for her, but she is not willing to forgive me and do the same. She does have culpability in this mess, but refuses to acknowledge this. I do not blame her, I am simply pointing out wrong actions and asking for help and the grace to respond in the best way possible for her, my kids and my family. I do ask for suggestions on just how to love her more, and not just vague statements like, “love here more”. I do pray for her every day, but what do you suggest I say in a prayer for her? I know my job is to help her to reach heaven. But how do you help someone who won’t receive it?

I’m sorry that I’m short on time…10 kids to feed . I did want to take a bit of time to ask you what kind of prayers are you saying for your wife? What sacrifices are you offering for your wife? You have come here with a list of complaints (quite big ones!) but have tried to cover the other elephant in the room. The pornography. It’s hard to see how a wife could change her ways and act loving to a spouse who still falls into the temptation of pornography.

A good priest told me once to love my spouse as I do my children. At first I was angry thinking my husband is not a child! He should know better than to do what he did. He hurt me!. But then I realized I love my children to the point of my spiritual death. I’d do anything to help them get to heaven and die trying. I love them despite their sins and then offenses and hurts they give me and most especially God. I will not stop trying to help my kids get to heaven no matter how they hurt me. I have to love my husband that much too. You must love your wife the same way.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Calling me names does nothing to impress anyone with your reasoning. It just makes you look bad, and is an acknowledgment that you are struggling to respond substantively.

(And still nary a word for the husband who was cheated on).

You haven’t responded with, well…anything. You can’t refute the catechism, you just complain that we are too nice to women. Your “proof”? What you (incorrectly) think would be said if the genders were reversed.

Please, if you’re going to do this, actually take the time to read and respond to what is written. Many of us have made lots of points that you’ve either not comprehended, or willfully ignored for the sake of rhetoric.

As for the wife, what’s to say? She isn’t here. If she made a thread, I can imagine she’d get an earful too. But he asked for advice. Denouncing his wife isn’t advice. Advice is “Grow a backbone and stop accepting this treatment, take responsibility for your choices and the damage those choices caused to your marriage, quit with the porn, and make legal preparations for divorce/custody battles”. And that’s the advice most people, myself included, have given.

 

[PolarGuy]

But Moma, no one is actually “helping” the OP, least of all the “you were cheating first!” Club.

Accusing me of hating on women would be more entertaining if I wasn’t about to make dinner for my wife - which is where I’ll go until…I come back!

 

[PolarGuy]

Actually, BlueEyedLady, OP has not been told to “stop accepting [bad] treatment.” What he’s gotten has been, essentially, “you cheated first!;” “you must not have been fulfilling her emotional needs,” and other assorted nastiness and man-hating (and a bit of inaccurate legal advice from a non-lawyer about taping calls).

If you and others want to accuse me of “stirring up trouble,” or whatever, I’ll just use the same line others do: I’m just speaking the truth! If others can use that line – and they do – I’ll do the same. It is, however, true that posters are not even-handed in their responses to men & women in the same circumstances.

Also, you say, “As for the wife, what’s to say? She isn’t here.”

–She’s too busy to be here when she’s out sleeping with another man, but nothing has been said about her.

–So in other words, because she’s not here we’ll keep silent.

I would add that it would be humorous to see that my point – that posters are not even-handed in their treatment of others – has been validated by the same posters who jumped all over me…

…but I can’t laugh, because the OP fled – and that’s kind of sad. The guy came here for advice, and he got the pro-cheatin’-wife, anti-husband gals…

 

[on_the_hill]

I think some guys have an interest in this sort of porn.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Actually, BlueEyedLady, OP has not been told to “stop accepting [bad] treatment.” What he’s gotten has been, essentially, “you cheated first!;” “you must not have been fulfilling her emotional needs,” and other assorted nastiness and man-hating (and a bit of inaccurate legal advice from a non-lawyer about taping calls).

If you and others want to accuse me of “stirring up trouble,” or whatever, I’ll just use the same line others do: I’m just speaking the truth! If others can use that line – and they do – I’ll do the same. It is, however, true that posters are not even-handed in their responses to men & women in the same circumstances.

Also, you say, “As for the wife, what’s to say? She isn’t here.”

–She’s too busy to be here when she’s out sleeping with another man, but nothing has been said about her.

–So in other words, because she’s not here we’ll keep silent.

I would add that it would be humorous to see that my point – that posters are not even-handed in their treatment of others – has been validated by the same posters who jumped all over me…

…but I can’t laugh, because the OP fled – and that’s kind of sad. The guy came here for advice, and he got the pro-cheatin’-wife, anti-husband gals…

Totally anti husband. Hate husbands! Husbands bad!

 

[schaeffer]

I’m sorry, I have to disagree, I’m a child who lived through this, seeing my parents trying to kille ach other every day was not very helpful.

so what? faithful spouse has to put up with whatever happens no matter what?

it takes 2 for a marriage to work. maybe she’s just staying because it’s easier than the alternative.

don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that I agree with divorce but if one person refuses to put in the effort to fix the marriage, how is a completely dysfunctional relationship going to help the kids or the faitful spouse?

I think you missed the part of my post that said that the exception to not leaving was a spouse who is dangerous to either their spouse or the children.

Under no circumstances should anyone or any child be in a home where ANYONE is trying to kill anyone else, physically or mentally.

 

[mavdragon]

I say prayers like this… God, thank you my wife “her name”…God please bless and forgive her. God please touch her heart or please fill her with the holy spirit or please remove the scales from here eyes and allow the truth about marriage and who I am to be revealed to her.
God, you know what is going on with her, and I do not. Please help her.

it is very difficult to share these things I pray with all of you, I know some people are going to pick this apart and tell me how selfish parts of this are. I just try to be honest with God and ask him for what I would like. Even if I ask for the wrong things, God still delights in hearing our honest prayers.

as far as sacrifices, I have changed a flat for her without her asking, I have done laundry, dishes, picked up my undergarments off the floor and put them in the hamper, cooked meals for the family, on her birthday I went way beyond what I had ever done in the past, things like pick out a specific themed wrapping paper that I knew she would like, I got her a massage package so she could pamper herself, I sprung for a hundred dollars towards a nice shoe place since she loves shoes, I brought her anonymous lunches at her work, bought her flowers, balloons, stuffed animals, candy, even tried to buy her a new skillet frying pan a large one since she told me she likes more practical gifts. early on when she would still allow me to touch her I gave her a foot massage and a back massage. I sacrificed my bitterness by forgiving her many times. I am trying to practice chastity, not just to get her back, but to truly love her. I have given up playing video games which used to be a very large portion of my off work hours. I started trimming the lawn after mowing which she always used to comment about. I’ve read countless books like “love must be tough”, “love and respect”, “his needs, her needs”, “love Dare”, I’ve done all the steps in the book love dare, I probably need to go thru it again. I make real attempts now to listen to her, but still fail in this. I make more of an attempt now to take more of an interest in her extended family. I spend more time with the kids, something she has commented about many times in the past. I’ve talked to 10 priests, 3 of them with her. I used to let her deal with paying all the bills, I have since taken that responsibility back on myself. I used to let her Discipline the children, but I now have stepped up there. I used to let her lead spiritually, but now I have stepped up into this area. I now do my own laundry. I have listened to countless hours of marriage help. I was seeing a counselor from church who was also a psychiatrist until she retired. I have gone to adoration and offered it up for her several times. I lost 90 lbs in a effort to be more attractive to her. I noticed that the few times I had been drinking alcohol that I did not treat her very well, so I avoid drinking more than one drink on any given day. I have planned family outings with the kids and always let her know she was welcome to join us. We have done more family things in the last three years than in the past 18 years. I’ve done all these things and more and after 3 years she tells me nothing has changed, she still feels the same way.

 

[mommy_k]

It seems that perhaps your wife is enjoying the newness of her affair. This will wear off… Being in love is not the same as a deeper long lasting love and I hope and pray for your wife that she realizes this.

I also hope that you both can ‘reboot’ your marriage-let go of all the old things and info in your pasts, and start freah and new, without accusations. A new beginning where respect and love can grow.

Just remember that Jesus was no doormat–He threw the moneychangers out of the temple. So it’s ok sometimes to get angry and stand your ground about things when you are looking for postive change.

 

[MomaMary8]

I say prayers like this… God, thank you my wife “her name”…God please bless and forgive her. God please touch her heart or please fill her with the holy spirit or please remove the scales from here eyes and allow the truth about marriage and who I am to be revealed to her.
God, you know what is going on with her, and I do not. Please help her.

it is very difficult to share these things I pray with all of you, I know some people are going to pick this apart and tell me how selfish parts of this are. I just try to be honest with God and ask him for what I would like. Even if I ask for the wrong things, God still delights in hearing our honest prayers.

.

Thank you for trusting us. Your prayers are painfully heartfelt. As you pointed out, you are offering up prayers of petitions. You are asking for what your heart desires and God does rejoice in our openness with him. Perhaps you could open your prayers of petition into an acknowledgment of God’s divine will, and end each with a simple request for His Will to be done. In our prayers, God also rejoices when we humble ourselves before Him.

Do you think you could also offer a daily Hail Mary, or better yet, a daily Rosary for your wife? Enlist Our Lady’s help in bringing your wife back to God. As her husband, you should first focus on prayers that are for your wife’s salvation. As she returns to God’s love, she may be able to bring more love into the family. Our mother will surely intercede for your wife. She, too, would only want your wife to be in a loving marriage, faithful to God above all else.

As you do the daily tasks, such as picking up your dirty laundry or paying the bills, could you offer the small task for your wife. As you open the laundry hamper and place the sock, offer it up for your wife and her salvation. Our lives are full of daily tasks, and when we offer our work up as a prayer to God, it can be quite efficacious. Don’t just do them to change your own behavior ( a good motive!) but make it supernatural by attaching to the task a prayer of intercession for your wife.

As a woman, I do want to be frank. Many woman view pornography as cheating. Every time you slip, you hurt your wife as well as yourself. Pornography is addictive, no one is saying that it is not. But you do have to remember that all your loving actions can be wiped away by one slip. Your wife needs to trust and see that you are trying. She is not here to give her point of view. From your posts, you sound like a man who is trying to change and love his wife, but each view of pornography may be like a stab to your wife’s heart. May I suggest the Seven Sorrows Devotion? It s a devotion that focuses on the wounds of Mary. Perhaps it will be helpful in healing your wounds, as well as your wife’s. Try praying it after mass (daily mass if you can.)
May God bless you. Your pain is heart wrenching, but I pray God will heal you.

The devotion: themostholyrosary.com/appendix1.htm

 

[hydin]

I am going to return this to the issue at hand. I admit I have only read 80% of the posts but as a Catholic who has just finished being divorced by a Catholic women I will give advice that is critical to your situation…

You as a Catholic know Divorce is not an option unless approved by clergy (pesky Canon Law). The Catechism goes into great detail on how the innocent spouse should act. Read it ASAP
usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-we-believe/catechism/catechism-of-the-catholic-church/epub/index.cfm see 2380 in the Catechism

canon law = vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P45.HTM

The Priest should have handled this with you already.

You have to act as two people starting right now… One is as a man who has a wife that could divorce him tomorrow… in a court system that sees adultery as an everyday occurrence which gets no special punishment. The other is as a faithful Catholic who wants to save his marriage.

legally you need to understand that it takes one phone call to the police that you hit her to get you out of the house and in jail… Buy a voice activated recorder and record every conversation in case you need it. You can always record conversations that you are a party to in person without permission. Phone calls differ by state… check it out on the internet. Start preparing for the worse… talk to a lawyer… copy documents. keep good records of spending. Protect your kids… Never move out unless by court order… if you do then it will be setting the visitation you will get later… google a document called “the list” for divorce men. You must do this or it will cost you in the end. Trust me, I skipped a few steps feeling it was what should be done… Being Catholic and wanting to stay married does not mean you roll over and let he have what she wants. Check out a site alturtle.com free site and it has tons of information about relationships, by a wonderful counselor who gives fantastic advice… and you will also find you part in this as well…affairs never happen in marriage that are meeting everyone’s needs… both parties contribute to making the affair attractive… the person who cheats is to blame for taking that step and the conditions that led to it are no excuse… but they are real and need to be fixed if the relationship is to be fixed… own you part… do not accept her actions cheat. make sure the man’s wife knows of the affair… make sure her parents know and her family too. It is not gossip… it is real. usually the man’s wife has no clue so he is living both worlds… until she finds out and he now has everything at risk… put him in that position. You owe it to you kids to use every legal and ethical (telling the truth to those effected by sin is NEVER wrong…admonishing sinners is a work of mercy… ). Do not imagine being nice will fix things… as long as the other man is there and you are trying to win her back she has the best of both world… she needs to feel disconnected from normal married life with you. do not let her act the perfect wife for appearances and cheat in the shadows. sunlight helps all. I pray that you marriage works out. I pray every night that my marriage is restored and my kids do not have to suffer for our mistakes… divorce hurts the kids at every future holiday with their spouses… it causes them to have to balance two parents instead of one couple… I can give you examples . divorce hurts adult kids as long as we are alive… God Bless. Feel free to private message me if needed. The key now is to protect your kids… if you do not take that seriously expect your kids to end up with your wife, seeing you on a limited basis… and possibly the other man being dad in your house. It is not Holy to ignore sin or to accommodate sin. Sounds like you Priest is not much help. The worst thing Catholics do is pray that things work out while facilitating the marriages ending by treating both parties the same and trying to be pastoral. your wife is sinning and she knows it. Her confession to the Priest did not absolve her of Mortal Sin… She has to change… not just feel sorry… The church seems to ignore divorce being grave matter and focuses on remarriage only… read the Catechism… their is an innocent party… if you file for divorce for selfish reasons it is sin. ALL separations are suppose to reconcile after the danger is gone… many in our church are in sin due to divorce and since it is a moral issue, ignorance is no defense for accountability… you will get thorough this. Tough love tells you what to do… do it.

 

[PolarGuy]

Great post by hydin

 

[on_the_hill]

I’ve talked to 10 priests, 3 of them with her.

How is it possible that you’ve talked to 10 priests, 3 of them with her, and you’re still mired in marital misery? What are the priests telling you, or not telling you, that’s not working for you and your wife? Where are you finding so many available priests? Where are you finding the time to talk to them?

Have you tried talking to someone other than a priest, like a marriage counselor or a therapist? If you’re dropping in on priests (or anyone) who doesn’t know you, how can that person give you anything but generic advice? If you really want someone to help you, you have to have a relationship with that person.

It seems like you’re putting a huge amount of effort into doing things that aren’t working. Are you doing the things SHE wants? Or are you doing the things you THINK she wants, or should want? Do you know what she wants?

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Will offer my $.02:
Wife committed the far greater sin in stepping out on her husband. No two ways about that one. It’s right there in the Ten Commandments. Adultery like that can and usually does destroy families. By doing this, wife clearly communicated to everyone nearby that she values her own feelings far above her husband and her family. Kind of surprised husband is generally being treated in this thread as if he was at greater fault. He wasn’t the ideal husband, but she was the one who stepped out. Let no one lose sight of that.

Love is an action, not a feeling. Love is getting up every day and actively choosing to do things out of love even when one is not feeling it. Love is choosing not to commit adultery because one is choosing his or her family over the temptation of that other person. This is where wife very clearly failed her family and she must be called out for it. Too bad shame doesn’t work as well as it once did.

That said, husband isn’t totally blameless. He clearly lost his wife’s respect at some point awhile back and there is no amount of honey-do’s that will get it back. He needs to distance himself from her to some extent and start making it about the kids and the house projects. He’s going to maintain the family, she can join him or not. He needs to not move out of the master bedroom, let alone out of the house. He needs to assert himself and maintain the high ground. He needs to be prepared for the possibility that his wife may do it again, then there must be clearly communicated consequences for doing so. He needs to be prepared for the possibility that his wife wants a divorce. Not every husband is capable of taking back a wife who strays; to do so is an act of love not for her, but for the family they have together.

As always, I pray for the children in marriages like this.

 

[St_Pancake]

I agree with most of what you said, but this is very, very bad advice. In most states, it’s outright illegal. In places where it isn’t, there are still so many nuances that you can find yourself in very hot water.

But even if it were legally Kosher, it would still be recklessly stupid. All it says is that the guy was smart enough to only record when he wasn’t being abusive. It says nothing about the past, the times the mic was off, or what recordings he may have thrown out. This wouldn’t prove anything at all. And then his lawyer has the lovely job of explaining to the judge “No, your honor, my client isn’t abusive. He’s just the type of guy who clandestinely records conversations just in case”. There is no way that guy is getting the kids. He now looks like a total psycho and he’ll be stuck with a restraining order and state supervised visits for quite awhile.

There are eleven states that are “all party consent” states, meaning that everyone in a conversation has to agree to being recorded. The rest, are one party consent states, meaning only one person in the state has to consent to the recording.

 

[1990Domer]

“He treated the wife like sexual garbage”?? Wife sleeps around; buys sexy underwear to wear for other men; leaves them for husband to find; and HE’S the one treating her like “sexual garbage?” That attitude and that comment are a disgrace.

Consider the 9th Commandment. We are further guided with the teaching that whoever covets another’s wife, if only in mind, has already committed adultery. I think this speaks for itself.

 

[1990Domer]

Rest assured I’m praying for your situation, and I’m glad you are participating in the sacraments, it combats evil like no other thing on earth!

But, you need to form your conscience a little bit more. Watching pictures and porn of other women is indeed cheating. You don’t have to be physical to cheat or have an affair. You can cheat in your heart, in your mind and physically. I would say that you have an emotional and mental affair every time you watch porn. See: Matthew 5

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Thank you for this eloquent post. Mine pales in comparison.