Staying Married after Infidelity by Wife

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I would point out that OP has been suggested/counseled to basically “not let wife act as if nothing is going on,” ie tell people. He’s done so…and now is getting trashed for it. If people get advice, don’t blame them if they follow it.
 
PolarGuy said:
I would point out that OP has been suggested/counseled to basically “not let wife act as if nothing is going on,” ie tell people. He’s done so…and now is getting trashed for it. If people get advice, don’t blame them if they follow it.
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Who gave him that advice? I’m not a marriage counselor, but I’ve never heard that airing dirty laundry is the way to solve family problems.

And to OP: Part of your problem is that you’re reaching out to everyone for help. You won’t find it. A man needs to stand up for himself on his own. Going to other people for help and advice isn’t the solution to problems. It’s just whining. Spinning your wheels. Empty progress.
 
PolarGuy said:
I would point out that OP has been suggested/counseled to basically “not let wife act as if nothing is going on,” ie tell people. He’s done so…and now is getting trashed for it. If people get advice, don’t blame them if they follow it.
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I would not say that those things are the same at all.

Requiring accountability is nowhere near the same thing as “tell everybody.”

I’ve been following the thread and while I am sympathetic to the OP for what he’s going through, his actions both before and after this particular mess started do not indicate that he wants to save the marriage - instead it looks like he wants people to think he’s not the bad guy. I can understand that, but it doesn’t match up with what he says he wants.

Prayers for everybody involved.
 
mavdragon said:
I did not excuse my behavior. I owned and have apologized, repented, and been forgiven by God for the things I have done. I told people about the sin because it was relevant for understanding of the situation so that I could seek healing for her, myself and our Children. If I posted her that I was having marriage difficulties, that could mean a thousand different things… I had to reveal the sin so that people who have experienced this can share there experience with this particular problem and give helpful council. I have not only revealed her part the best that I can understand it, but I also have revealed to all reading this thread of my own weaknesses in a effort to present as clear a picture as possible.
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mavdragon said:
I told my children that she had an affair in an effort to explain my reactions that they had been witness to in order to apologize to them for my behavior and hopefully they can understand that I’m not just a evil person who wants to yell and scream at their mom. I also told them that mom is still a good person, who is just confused right now and likely is hurting and needs our support.
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OP, above are two examples of what I mean.

I mean this in the kindest, most charitable way possible, when I say that the above reeks of cow manure. Of course, you know your own heart better than anyone else posting here, but I would very strongly suggest that you consider that you are trying very hard to lie to yourself. I would be really shocked to discover that any person would air their personal troubles far and wide simply in the interest of getting help, and not with the least little smidge of, “But I’m a good person now trying to set it right, and it’s important to me that you feel that way about me also, and also know that’s not my wife.”

When people really, truly want help, they seek the advice of a few trusted people who are competent and will not break confidence. With the arrival of the Internet, you may post anonymously as you’ve done here. But you don’t talk to friends and family, and you don’t smear your wife’s good name to your children, however nicely you say you dressed it up.
 
pensmama87 said:
OP, above are two examples of what I mean.

I mean this in the kindest, most charitable way possible, when I say that the above reeks of cow manure. Of course, you know your own heart better than anyone else posting here, but I would very strongly suggest that you consider that you are trying very hard to lie to yourself. I would be really shocked to discover that any person would air their personal troubles far and wide simply in the interest of getting help, and not with the least little smidge of, “But I’m a good person now trying to set it right, and it’s important to me that you feel that way about me also, and also know that’s not my wife.”

When people really, truly want help, they seek the advice of a few trusted people who are competent and will not break confidence. With the arrival of the Internet, you may post anonymously as you’ve done here. But you don’t talk to friends and family, and you don’t smear your wife’s good name to your children, however nicely you say you dressed it up.
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It really seems as if OP isn’t fully taking “ownership” of his problem. Or at least his half of it.
I’ve had my share of trouble, I’ve experienced others’ troubles, and the people who resolve them take a proactive approach on their own and don’t rely on people to come up with a solution for them.

OP, you won’t get out of this mess until you make some of your own decisions and take your own actions. You are trying to save a marriage that is in a shambles and everyone knows it. You will have become not the devout Catholic husband who is trying to maintain his Holy Matrimony, but the sad guy who is stuck in a bad marriage because he can’t or won’t help himself deal with it.
 
on_the_hill said:
Whoa.
Are you serious? You told everyone you know, shared it with her family, the men’s group…at least 10 priests, the deacon and his wife, people at church, basically everyone except those you’re not comfortable with? Give yourself a medal for your discretion.

You didn’t want to destroy her name, but to excuse *your *behavior you told everyone that your wife is an adulteress.

You told -]your /-]her children that she’s having an affair.

And now you’re looking for help and support because, after all of that, you still somehow manage, from the bottom of your heart, do all these wonderful things for her and she doesn’t appreciate you? :crying: Cry me a river.
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+1

Well, plus 1000 maybe.
I guess the OP thinks public shaming works so well on celebrities and in social media…🤷
Public shaming is a blood sport.
A person wanting to make it work would never do this.
He just pulled the trigger on the marriage, and unfortunately on the emotional health of his children.
Horrible and sad.
Edited to add:*
If the OP comes back to say his wife is still around???
Troll.
Definitely.
I can’t think of one breathing woman who would stick around for all of this. No man either, frankly.
Sorry. After all these pages? I’m calling troll. :coffeeread:**
 
Yeah. Standard advice here (which is standard for a reason) is that if you have a serious problem with your spouse, talk to your priest and talk to a marriage counselor (and MAYBE seek advice from people that you and your spouse won’t have to deal with regularly in person like us), but otherwise, keep your lips zipped if you hope to save your marriage.

I’m surprised she’s still around, frankly. Sharing very private marital information with a large circle of people many of whom you both have to deal with for the rest of your lives is a major sin against the marital bond, maybe not on par with adultery, but certainly within rock throwing distance.

Amy
pianistclare said:
+1

Well, plus 1000 maybe.
I guess the OP thinks public shaming works so well on celebrities and in social media…🤷
Public shaming is a blood sport.
A person wanting to make it work would never do this.
He just pulled the trigger on the marriage, and unfortunately on the emotional health of his children.
Horrible and sad.
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I disagree with the policy of nondisclosure if the affair is still ongoing. Frankly, a lot of people involved in affairs are living in “the fog” where they believe there are no consequences for their actions/choices. They really think that their lives won’t change financially or socially. The theory is that, by exposing the affair, reality comes crashing in and the wayward spouse will be forced to deal with the damage they are doing/have done.

Secret, fun, carefree fantasy world affairs get a lot less fun when your friends and family know. Sometimes that’s enough to end the affair and wake the wayward spouse up so that the marriage can be possibly saved.
 
I agree with the others – telling all her family and social circle about the infidelity probably puts the marriage beyond repair. If you are really resolved to not divorce, I think your best bet is to stop worrying about the minor details of your your wife’s behavior (level of religious observance and such), keep up the positive changes you’ve made (not drinking, helping around the house, not playing video games excessively, etc) and see if you can avoid open warfare with your wife for a few years. If she holds on to the marriage, it’s possible she may fall back in love with you, but I think it will take a long time and it may never happen. Just as you don’t trust her, I don’t think she trusts you. Also, I don’t think you should be having sex with her if she says that she doesn’t love you. I don’t even understand the ramifications of that… It just seems very dysfunctional. Also. I you seem very controlling when it comes to your wife – it comes across loud and clear from your posts. This is also really unhealthy.

In short, I recommend:
  1. Live like brother and sister until your wife is ready for a full, loving marriage again (if this ever happens).
  2. Worry about your own behavior and your kids, but leave your wife alone to manage herself.
  3. You might find it helpful to negotiate ground rules with your wife about division of chores, what can or can’t be said about the situation to people outside the marriage (with the exception of priests, counsellors, therapists), etc.
 
mavdragon said:
she claims she is no longer seeing him for about a year now. (previously she told me she stopped seeing him 2 years ago, so this admission is still suspect.)
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She said she hasn’t seen him in a year? I understand there are trust issues coming from both of you, but try not to let her know that you doubt it. Live the present, have fun with your wife. Rock her world.
 
Xantippe said:
Having sex with a person that one dislikes and distrusts is–do I even need to say this–not a good idea, even if one happens to be married to them.
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Yep. I was :eek: over the idea that OP might be a troll.

😉
 
MJJean said:
I disagree with the policy of nondisclosure if the affair is still ongoing. Frankly, a lot of people involved in affairs are living in “the fog” where they believe there are no consequences for their actions/choices. They really think that their lives won’t change financially or socially. The theory is that, by exposing the affair, reality comes crashing in and the wayward spouse will be forced to deal with the damage they are doing/have done.

Secret, fun, carefree fantasy world affairs get a lot less fun when your friends and family know. Sometimes that’s enough to end the affair and wake the wayward spouse up so that the marriage can be possibly saved.
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Thank you MJJean for this healthy perpective. I wonder if some of the people posting have any idea what an affair does to the adulterer. Affairs release chemicals in the brain like oxytocin that bond the female to the man she is physical with, and other chemicals that cloud the mind like when people are infatuated with a new love.

I notice people are side stepping the fact that I needed to explain to my children why I had been acting a certain way towards their mother. You tell me people who criticize disclosure how to I explain to my kids my hurt behavior without revealing any wrongdoing on the part of the mother?
 
mavdragon said:
Thank you MJJean for this healthy perpective. I wonder if some of the people posting have any idea what an affair does to the adulterer. Affairs release chemicals in the brain like oxytocin that bond the female to the man she is physical with, and other chemicals that cloud the mind like when people are infatuated with a new love.

I notice people are side stepping the fact that I needed to explain to my children why I had been acting a certain way towards their mother. You tell me people who criticize disclosure how to I explain to my kids my hurt behavior without revealing any wrongdoing on the part of the mother?
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How to do it?
YOU DON’T TELL THEM AT ALL.
**You speak to a priest and a marriage counselor and not everyone on the planet. **
You don’t drag your children into your marriage issues.
You treat their mother the way you would like to be treated whenever they are around.
And most of all?/ You don’t tell everyone on the internet looking fro sympathy and not really wanting advice.

That’s how you do it.
You’re not completely innocent by what you have posted. But you seem to want to destroy this woman. You think it’s only fair. OK, if that the way you want to go with it…
Do it outside of earshot of the kids, OK?
 
mafh said:
telling all her family and social circle about the infidelity probably puts the marriage beyond repair… Just as you don’t trust her, I don’t think she trusts you. Also, I don’t think you should be having sex with her if she says that she doesn’t love you. Also. I you seem very controlling when it comes to your wife – it comes across loud and clear from your posts. This is also really unhealthy.
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I see you declare no religion in your profile. I can see why you might conclude that some action puts the marriage beyond reconciliation. This seems to deny that God exists and that he brought us together, that he didn’t see this coming, and that he changed his mind about us being right for each other. We were both baptized Christians and were brought together in holy matrimony in the catholic church. God blessed our marriage with not one, but 3 children.

regarding the trust issue, does she not trust me based on something I did, or because of what she had done? Books I’ve read about affairs suggest that many betrayers tend to not trust the victims of their affairs. This normally is not based on the trustworthiness of the victim in question.

regarding sex with my wife, I am not even allowed to touch her. She sleeps on the couch and I sleep in our bedroom. This was her choice.

I would really be interested to hear what you deem to be controlling behavior on my part.
 
pianistclare said:
That’s an excellent read.👍
I hope if the OP is real and not a troll ( I still have serious doubts) that he’ll read it.
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I’m not even sure how to respond to this, since I don’t even know what you mean when you say that i’m a troll.

I did read it, and the Lord has changed my heart a great deal with regards to lust vs love.
not because of that article, but it has been a ongoing thing.
 
mavdragon said:
I’m not even sure how to respond to this, since I don’t even know what you mean when you say that i’m a troll.

I did read it, and the Lord has changed my heart a great deal with regards to lust vs love.
not because of that article, but it has been a ongoing thing.
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I troll is a person who makes up a story or pretend to have a real post and posts I online for the “fun” of having people debate over it.
This occurs ALOT when the situation are just so absurd they strain the limits of belief.

Sorry to hear this is a real scenario.
You need counseling. Together.
And now, likely family counseling since the kids have been subjected to this drama.

And I’m wondering how you believe you can be around the large number of people you told the sordid details of your marriage???
It’s hard to believe she is hanging around.
Hard to fathom why you stick around.
You are not doing the children any favors without seriously working on it.
Sad.
 
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