I am so sorry, Mavdragon.
Now, I know you want to save the marriage. But you must remember you are also a parent and that a legal divorce might be your only option if you want to protect your ability to effectively parent and financially support your children. If your wife someday comes back to you there is always the option of remarrying civilly.
I just helped a friend divorce. Long story, but she isn’t catholic and civilly"married" as a teenager last year to a boy she only knew online and saw in real life for two whole weeks…
Anyways, since there was no property or children, I got her the required paperwork online,filled them out for her, helped her through the multi-step filing process, and went to court with her.
Court was supposed to begin at 9 am. The judge showed up 20 minutes late. By 10:15 am, we were across the street from the courthouse and starting my car with final divorce papers in hand. Counting time to gather the papers from the clerk, leave the building, get to the parking garage and get into the car, we were in the courtroom for 40 minutes.
In that 40 minutes, we watched the judge handle
- 4 divorces (my friends included)
- 1 “this child is not issue of this marriage” case (the spouses had been separated 11 years and the wife was pregnant with another mans child. She needed the paperwork to be able to open a paternity case since, by state law, when a married woman gives birth her legal husband is automatically placed on record as father)
- 1 custody case
- 2 name changes.
Forty minutes. I was stunned. And here is the interesting part. State law requires 3 counseling sessions if there are minor children involved. State law also requires a minimum 6 month separation before a divorce can be granted. But judges have the option of waiving those requirements. They frequently do.
I divorced with minor children. When the judge asked me about counseling, I told him there was no chance the marriage could be saved. He waived the counseling requirement.
I watched my friends judge waive the counseling and 6 month separation requirement for each of the 4 divorced he finalized.
I personally know 4 people in addition to myself who had divorces granted within 4 months of filing.
The moral of the story is that divorces are a big yawn to the legal system, can be dragged on for years at great expense or could be final within weeks, and staying legally married to someone who is unfaithful and/or makes other poor choices a bad idea.
What if your STBX loses her mind, goes on a bender, gets into an accident, gets sued, and marital assets are gone in a flash? Married or separated (depending on state law), YOU can lose big time if SHE does something stupid.
What if you do this separation agreement and in a few months or a year she turns up pregnant? Depending on state law, you might be automatically listed as father and financially responsible.
Try your best to save the spiritual marriage. But don’t neglect the business side of dissolving the civil marriage. It will happen with or without you. Better to be in control of making decisions that can have decades long consequences for you personally and financially.
