step children

[tbcrawford]

I am sorry you’re somewhat caught in the middle. I think that a reasonable option if you will, could be to let him move in…with the caveat that at a certain timeframe/deadline, he has to have some type of employment. Don’t care what it is, he has to have something. It sounds like his bio dad doesn’t have much to do with him, so this could be a prime opportunity for YOU to serve as a wonderful role model. Sometimes, we are given challenges…tests, even, from God. This could be a good opportunity to step up, and help this young man make something of his life. He may fight you at first…he may resent you. Sounds like he has been spiraling out of control, doing his own thing for a while-but clearly, doing his own thing has not gotten him far. He may be thirsting for structure, and help. But, this is something you need to discuss with your wife…she needs to be on board with that plan. The plan being…helping her son to restore his life. He is still young, and he can turn things around…but, I don’t blame you for wanting to sit by and just foot his bill, while he does nothing. No, that is not healthy for anyone, especially him. Teach a person to fish, and they eat for a lifetime…he needs to be taught how to better himself. While he is not your son, and coming into his life late in the game…try to think of him as a son. Try to think of him as at least a long lost friend who lost his way. That’s my advice…allow him to move in…but discuss with your wife the ground rules, and that you want to help him better himself…and that you’d like for him to find some work. I think it can work out if you just keep the lines of communication open. I would make it very clear, that he isn’t going to act anyway he pleases…with no rules…and expect to live there. I can’t imagine how your wife could ever expect you to tolerate a chaotic situation like that–hopefully, she will be on board with this. (lol, I’m acting like you’re taking my advice already)

Good luck to you–I will have you in my prayers. *

Good advice
well said

 

[flyingfish]

Sometimes a person has to hit bottom. To continue to care for an adult child is not helping him/her, it is simply hurting their chance of recovery. My SIL has a son in jail. He is 52 and has spent his entire life in and out of prison. SIL takes him in her home when he is out of prison. She is 75, works nights cleaning offices. Her husband left her well off, home paid in full, etc. Son talked her into selling her home, buying him cars, giving him money that supported his drug habit. He does not care about moms welfare,just feeding his greedy habits. He has taken her down with him. It breaks our hearts.

Love and peace,
Mom of 5

Problem with is is, the OP’s wife will worry herself sick if her son actually ends up on the street. I personally could not have a moment of peace if my child (however old) didn’t have a place to sleep at night.

If the OP convinces her to do this, she will spend every second sick with worry. And that could be really bad for her health if she has high blood pressure, or risk factors for heart attack.

The situation you described is tragic, but it’s a long way from helping him get a place to live to selling your own house to buy him cars and drugs.

 

[kresbrook]

There seems to be many people on both sides of this issue. I think the biggest question is one that only you and he can answer. Is he remorsefull? Does he know he’s screwed up, but wants to get better? If yes, I would welcome him in and help him, know that he will probably fall off the wagon again, but he is on the road to recovery. Make some sort of counseling a requirement. If not, and if he is going to continue in the life he is leading, I would say no.

Remember Jesus did not force himself on anyone, but accepted everyone. If you do not wish to live by the ways of the Lord, He will not force himself on you. However don’t expect that on judgement day that you will be allowed into Heaven. If he does not wish to live by your rules, do not accept him into your house. Would you allow someone who was going to desecrate a Church to be in that Church just because he was God’s child? There is individual responsibility. While I agree that it is hard to allow your children to fail, God allows us to fail, and that has to be harder on Him than any parent can imagine. It is the cross your wife must bear, knowing she is doing it out of love. He may never get better, but many of God’s children never get better and end up in Hell. Imagine His pain!!!

By allowing him into your home without expressing a desire to change you are asking for financial hardship, and many heartaches. What if he brings his friends around and makes your house a party house? Will his friend or he steal from you? Will he threaten the safety of your daughter when he or is friends are drunk? There are so many things that can go wrong if he doesn’t feel he needs to change.

You have my prayers!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

*I think too, what could be a potential issue, is that you didn’t help raise this boy, OP. For all intents and purposes, he feels like a stranger…or a distant relative, perhaps. I wonder if he was your bio son, OR if you helped raise him since he was little, if you would have the feelings of angst and resentment over your wife proposing having her son move in. I think that you have to be honest about that, with yourself. Only you know that answer. I’m not suggesting your thoughts would be different, but it’s worth thinking about.

I think also, that when kids act out like this, there are reasons. I’m NOT of the belief that there are just ‘bad kids’ out there, that they are born that way. Somewhere along the lines, either due to his dad not being in the picture, not having a good role model to take after, having mom enable him, etc…he went down a bad path. I KNOW THAT BY THE TIME WE REACH ADULTHOOD, OR EVEN TEEN-HOOD, WE SHOULD KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. But, when I see young men, teens, whatever act out in illegal ways…I can’t help but wonder what went wrong when he was a child. I have made many mistakes growing up, none illegal, nothing earth shattering to many people–but I look back at the loss of my parents as a major contributing factor. Now, we must be remoreseful, and realize that our pasts can’t be our scapegoats for bad behavior when we turn into adults…but still. This guy isn’t there yet. (the son) I think that he needs counseling, and he needs someone to look up to, because clearly he doesn’t have that in his life.

If he refuses to live by your rules OP, that’s a different story. But, I just think he deserves at least a chance to show he can change. Sometimes all it takes is just ONE person to believe in you. You have a nice life you mention, but you knew your wife had a troubled son going into the marriage, I would assume. I don’t think he just lost it overnight–then that would be a different story. So, perhaps this is your chance as I said a few posts up, to be a good role model–God works in mysterious ways.

Just my thoughts.*

 

[bgic]

…

 

[tbcrawford]

*I think too, what could be a potential issue, is that you didn’t help raise this boy, OP. For all intents and purposes, he feels like a stranger…or a distant relative, perhaps. I wonder if he was your bio son, OR if you helped raise him since he was little, if you would have the feelings of angst and resentment over your wife proposing having her son move in. I think that you have to be honest about that, with yourself. Only you know that answer. I’m not suggesting your thoughts would be different, but it’s worth thinking about.

I totally agree,you should really try to imagine it is your own flesh and blood,would you feel/behave differently?

I think also, that when kids act out like this, there are reasons. I’m NOT of the belief that there are just ‘bad kids’ out there, that they are born that way. Somewhere along the lines, either due to his dad not being in the picture, not having a good role model to take after, having mom enable him, etc…he went down a bad path. I KNOW THAT BY THE TIME WE REACH ADULTHOOD, OR EVEN TEEN-HOOD, WE SHOULD KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. But, when I see young men, teens, whatever act out in illegal ways…I can’t help but wonder what went wrong when he was a child. I have made many mistakes growing up, none illegal, nothing earth shattering to many people–but I look back at the loss of my parents as a major contributing factor. Now, we must be remoreseful, and realize that our pasts can’t be our scapegoats for bad behavior when we turn into adults…but still. This guy isn’t there yet. (the son) I think that he needs counseling, and he needs someone to look up to, because clearly he doesn’t have that in his life.

If he refuses to live by your rules OP, that’s a different story. But, I just think he deserves at least a chance to show he can change. Sometimes all it takes is just ONE person to believe in you. You have a nice life you mention, but you knew your wife had a troubled son going into the marriage, I would assume. I don’t think he just lost it overnight–then that would be a different story. So, perhaps this is your chance as I said a few posts up, to be a good role model–God works in mysterious ways.

Just my thoughts.*

Totally agree well said whatever girl

 

[tbcrawford]

Problem with is is, the OP’s wife will worry herself sick if her son actually ends up on the street. I personally could not have a moment of peace if my child (however old) didn’t have a place to sleep at night.

If the OP convinces her to do this, she will spend every second sick with worry. And that could be really bad for her health if she has high blood pressure, or risk factors for heart attack.

The situation you described is tragic, but it’s a long way from helping him get a place to live to selling your own house to buy him cars and drugs.

Totally agree i could never let my son sleep on the street and i would never let my husband do this to my son

 

[Mom_of_5]

The son is choosing this life, not his mother or step-father. There are consequences for our actions: parents reap the consequence of poor or inadequate parenting, child reaps the consequence of his poor choices. The step-dad is not “doing” anything to the son of his wife, he wants the son to learn from his poor judgement and sometimes that is very difficult. Mom wants to continue to coddle him. I am wondering who will coddle him if mom dies before he sees the light?? I doubt that there are a lot of relatives standing in line to take her place. I am a step-mom. I truly love my step-children. It is hurtful when the word “step” implies that us step- parents do not care for or love our spouses children. Fact is, we are just able to see through the “smoke” a little better than our spouse. This post brings back memories of problems in our blended family. The daughter that stole a check book and wrote the checks spent a short time in jail and is still a “felon”. Her dad wanted to bail her out and pay the bad checks. When I finally said “NO MORE”, he said “you just want her to be a felon”. My reply, “No, she wanted to be a felon or she would not have done what she did”. We were not responsible for her actions. We talked to a lawyer who told us not to give her a single dime, and no help other than to remind her that we love her and help take care of her little boy. We did all we could do. Yes, seeing a child behind bars or sleeping on the street “hurts”, but those are the consequences of poor judgement.

Love and prayers,

Mom of 5, step mom to 5

 

[flyingfish]

The son is choosing this life, not his mother or step-father. There are consequences for our actions: parents reap the consequence of poor or inadequate parenting, child reaps the consequence of his poor choices. The step-dad is not “doing” anything to the son of his wife, he wants the son to learn from his poor judgement and sometimes that is very difficult. Mom wants to continue to coddle him. I am wondering who will coddle him if mom dies before he sees the light?? I doubt that there are a lot of relatives standing in line to take her place. I am a step-mom. I truly love my step-children. ** It is hurtful when the word “step” implies that us step- parents do not care for or love our spouses children. ** Fact is, we are just able to see through the “smoke” a little better than our spouse. This post brings back memories of problems in our blended family. The daughter that stole a check book and wrote the checks spent a short time in jail and is still a “felon”. Her dad wanted to bail her out and pay the bad checks. When I finally said “NO MORE”, he said “you just want her to be a felon”. My reply, “No, she wanted to be a felon or she would not have done what she did”. We were not responsible for her actions. We talked to a lawyer who told us not to give her a single dime, and no help other than to remind her that we love her and help take care of her little boy. We did all we could do. Yes, seeing a child behind bars or sleeping on the street “hurts”, but those are the consequences of poor judgement.

Love and prayers,

Mom of 5, step mom to 5

Well I think it’s very different when you raise your step children from a young age vs. becoming their step parent when they are already grown. From what it sounds like the OP married his wife when the son was already 20+.

I personally can’t see myself ever putting the desires of a step parent above the needs of my child. The child would always come first.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Mom of 5…yes, no offense meant to you whatsoever. I just think that when a person marries someone with adult children, it is obviously different than helping to raise the child. I just offer it as food for thought, not saying that the OP thinks that or not. I think that step parents can be every bit as loving as bio parents…but it is not like the OP has been in this man’s life, helping to shape his life. So, perhaps it feels more like an intrusion to him.

Yes, he has problems, but he didn’t get there on his own. Not that he isn’t responsible for his actions–HE IS. He should know right from wrong, but if he wasn’t raised with a healthy role model, it could be why he has taken such a bad path. I’m not saying the OP has to take him in forever, with no rules…I think that there could be a possibility that he could serve this young man as a good role model–something he has not had maybe. That’s all I was saying.

Either way, OP–you’re in my prayers. Hopefully you and your wife can come to a reasonable conclusion…we can give our perspectives, but it’s ultimately up to you. *

 

[dulcissima]

Everyone in jail had a rough childhood. At some point those wounded children need to become adults who are responsible for their actions. Coddling, excuse-making parents prevent them from advancing to this stage of adulthood. The OP’s wife is not helping her child. I know because I have struggled with this myself. The OP is not the bad guy in this. He is not some self-serving jerk who has made it impossible to have a loving relationship with her son. He has a realistic concern which his wife needs to take seriously. I have no doubt whatsoever that to the wife, it is her ex that is to blame, that her son is just his victim. She needs to realize that this isn’t about her ex. Her son has freewill and is using it to make some bad decisions.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Oh my…I never said he was a self serving jerk. No one did, actually. Please don’t put words in my mouth. We don’t know all the details but given what’s presented…that was my advice. I never implied or said he was a self serving jerk…I just encouraged him to look at different angles, that’s all.

I also believe in people hitting bottom to pull themselves up…and maybe he needs to do that, but the OP could also make a difference in this young man’s life…never know. *

 

[TeresaAnn]

Totally agree i could never let my son sleep on the street and i would never let my husband do this to my son

These kind of thoughts allowed me to let my alcoholic husband move back in with us. First time for two years, another time for 9 months. It does not work! It is definitely enabling them and preventing them from getting to the point where the either get help or grow up. By my letting him come back I NOW have guilt that I delayed his recovery by years.

It’s true, all of the sudden he finds out that there are recovery houses and programs… after I went into serious debt and suffered for years to “keep him off the street”.

Here in Canada, this young man would not end up on the street, he would end up on welfare and in a program to help him gain employment. If his attitude is that he is too good for it he can certainly get out there and do it on his own!

I would have a sit down meeting with the three and and ask him what his plans are. If he has any, I’d say he can move in for 6 months (definite) deadline, and he must work towards gaining employment and finding a place to live during that time. He would have to help out around the house like everyone else. No booze, smoking etc and I would even say a curfew may be something to discuss because you guys don’t need your rest disturbed.

If he doesn’t get his act together in the 6 months, he is not taking you seriously and has to bottom out on his own. By 25 years old I had 2 children of my own to take of. He can take care of himself.

 

[dulcissima]

*Oh my…I never said he was a self serving jerk. No one did, actually. Please don’t put words in my mouth. We don’t know all the details but given what’s presented…that was my advice. I never implied or said he was a self serving jerk…I just encouraged him to look at different angles, that’s all.

I also believe in people hitting bottom to pull themselves up…and maybe he needs to do that, but the OP could also make a difference in this young man’s life…never know. *

Hey, whatevergirl. I totally did not mean to make you think that I was referring to you…or anyone else. I was really only stating my opinion that he is not a self-serving jerk, you know, trying to affirm him. I figured that he is posting on here because he is reflecting on his actions and trying to decide what is right. So, really I was just giving my opinion.

I would have used the quote feature if I was commenting on your post…

Sorry for the confusion.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Ah, I jumped to conclusions…I’m sorry. Thank you for clearing that up. *

 

[tbcrawford]

These kind of thoughts allowed me to let my alcoholic husband move back in with us. First time for two years, another time for 9 months. It does not work! It is definitely enabling them and preventing them from getting to the point where the either get help or grow up. By my letting him come back I NOW have guilt that I delayed his recovery by years.

It’s true, all of the sudden he finds out that there are recovery houses and programs… after I went into serious debt and suffered for years to “keep him off the street”.

Here in Canada, this young man would not end up on the street, he would end up on welfare and in a program to help him gain employment. If his attitude is that he is too good for it he can certainly get out there and do it on his own!

I would have a sit down meeting with the three and and ask him what his plans are. If he has any, I’d say he can move in for 6 months (definite) deadline, and he must work towards gaining employment and finding a place to live during that time. He would have to help out around the house like everyone else. No booze, smoking etc and I would even say a curfew may be something to discuss because you guys don’t need your rest disturbed.

If he doesn’t get his act together in the 6 months, he is not taking you seriously and has to bottom out on his own. By 25 years old I had 2 children of my own to take of. He can take care of himself.

Hi Teresa
Im so sorry you had such an awful alcoholic husband and fort all the pain that ensues.I too had this happen to me but that was my ex husband, not my sons.
Im afraid i still stand by my views that i would never let a child of mine suffer on the streets.I have had dreadful times with them all at different times and for different reasons.I guess they/i have been lucky that i was able to say their behaviour would not be tolerated and they had to stay at their dads or other relatives for a short period.I would never just throw out my child without ensuring their safety.Also i have always kept close contact to ensure they know they are loved.The young man son of the wife of the OP sounds like he has had a traumatic younger life and that is the reason he has had problems…but none of us know nor should we any details.I do feel the “step dad” would be being uncharitable and showing an uncaring attitude were he not to try and keep trying from time to time.The mother will hopefully show her son she loves him but talk honestly to him and tell him she’ll support him to get help and the husband should support his wife.He has talked on this thread as if he has no love for the son though which is sad.Lets all pray this situation gets resolved for the whole family but mainly for this young man.
God bless