Step-Daughter = Lesbian; How to deal

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dapperrync

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Hi,

I’m Catholic. My wife is Christian, but Methodist. My youngest step-daughter (19) came out like 3 months ago. While my wife also agrees that homosexuality is wrong, she very much wants to maintain her relationship with her kid. She is willing to meet and socialize with my step-daughter’s girlfriend, so long as no inappropriate conduct is displayed in front of us. My position is that while I love my step-daughter and want to spend time with her, that I in no way want to see her girlfriend in our presence. I feel that that would be “going along with it”, and giving tacit approval. My step-daughter doesn’t seem to want to accept these parameters - more or less saying that if you don’t basically accept my lifestyle, then you won’t be having a relationship with me. Now as the holidays approach we want to have both step-daughters come and visit, but my wife and I’s different positions on this matter is causing a major marital conflict. We are close to splitting up. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks 🙂
 
dapperrync said:
Hi,

I’m Catholic. My wife is Christian, but Methodist. My youngest step-daughter (19) came out like 3 months ago. While my wife also agrees that homosexuality is wrong, she very much wants to maintain her relationship with her kid. She is willing to meet and socialize with my step-daughter’s girlfriend, so long as no inappropriate conduct is displayed in front of us. My position is that while I love my step-daughter and want to spend time with her, that I in no way want to see her girlfriend in our presence. I feel that that would be “going along with it”, and giving tacit approval. My step-daughter doesn’t seem to want to accept these parameters - more or less saying that if you don’t basically accept my lifestyle, then you won’t be having a relationship with me. Now as the holidays approach we want to have both step-daughters come and visit, but my wife and I’s different positions on this matter is causing a major marital conflict. We are close to splitting up. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks 🙂
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You wife isn’t accepting her daughter being a lesbian, she is accepting that the other person means a lot to her daughter. I don’t see how having them both over gives tacit approval, just treat the two like they are very close friends. This is why marriage with other religious groups is frequently discouraged, because it can really screw things up.
 
My son is gay.

I love my son. I love his partner. He’s part of our family.
 
dapperrync said:
Hi,

I’m Catholic. My wife is Christian, but Methodist. My youngest step-daughter (19) came out like 3 months ago. While my wife also agrees that homosexuality is wrong, she very much wants to maintain her relationship with her kid. She is willing to meet and socialize with my step-daughter’s girlfriend, so long as no inappropriate conduct is displayed in front of us. My position is that while I love my step-daughter and want to spend time with her, that I in no way want to see her girlfriend in our presence. I feel that that would be “going along with it”, and giving tacit approval. My step-daughter doesn’t seem to want to accept these parameters - more or less saying that if you don’t basically accept my lifestyle, then you won’t be having a relationship with me. Now as the holidays approach we want to have both step-daughters come and visit, but my wife and I’s different positions on this matter is causing a major marital conflict. We are close to splitting up. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks 🙂
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I’ve seen many marriages torn apart by spouses who expect their other half to give up their kids over their spouse. The spouse usually loses. You may think that you’re not drawing a line in the sand and telling your wife to choose between you and her daughter, but that’s how she will see it and that’s how it may look like, and that’s why yo’re close to splitting up. This is her daughter. She loves her daughter and doesn’t want to lose her. She and you can make the Church’s teachings on the matter known without alienating her daughter. My advice is to not ruin the holidays for your wife. Your stepdaughter already knows of your wife’s and your disaproval, as an adult she rejects your opinions and teachings. Just like any other difficulty in a family, you’re going to have to all learn to get along or the family will break apart into sections.
 
dapperrync said:
Hi,

I’m Catholic. My wife is Christian, but Methodist. My youngest step-daughter (19) came out like 3 months ago. While my wife also agrees that homosexuality is wrong, she very much wants to maintain her relationship with her kid. She is willing to meet and socialize with my step-daughter’s girlfriend, so long as no inappropriate conduct is displayed in front of us. My position is that while I love my step-daughter and want to spend time with her, that I in no way want to see her girlfriend in our presence. I feel that that would be “going along with it”, and giving tacit approval. My step-daughter doesn’t seem to want to accept these parameters - more or less saying that if you don’t basically accept my lifestyle, then you won’t be having a relationship with me. Now as the holidays approach we want to have both step-daughters come and visit, but my wife and I’s different positions on this matter is causing a major marital conflict. We are close to splitting up. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks 🙂
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IMO, and I don’t mean to be rude at all, this is none of your business. Your job as her husband is to treat her family as well as you know how. I think it’s quite reasonable to let it be known that public displays of affection aren’t acceptable. I assume this will be the same for you and your wife and everyone else. Otherwise, if there is going to be hand-holding and pecks on the cheeks and such for others, you can’t expect them to be different.

Your approval or disapproval isn’t really anything that concerns anyone but you. Book them into a motel room if necessary to assure they don’t commit mortal sin in your home, and be a good host.
 
dapperrync said:
Hi,

I’m Catholic. My wife is Christian, but Methodist.
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Hi.

I am a Methodist. I see that you are Christian, but Catholic. 😉

Your stepdaughter is 19 years old. She is of legal age, and old enough to make her own mistakes, and other types of decisions.

Since you ask for advice, mine is to chill out a bit. Is it not better to be civil, loving and supportive of her as a person, than to alienate her? You can do this, even if you do not approve of her acting on her sexual and erotic impulses.

It is called loving the sinner, while not loving the sin. She is imperfect. We all are. Accept that. What she does for her own spiritual welfare is her own choice.
 
I have family members who are gay, and while as a Catholic I know that acting on homosexual desires is against God’s will, but these people are sons and daughters of God, and should be treated with Christian love.
 
dapperrync said:
… I in no way want to see her girlfriend in our presence.
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It does not surprise me that such a position would cause a lot of friction. I hope it does not result in your splitting up.

Honestly, this seems like a very extreme position to take. You encounter gay people regularly, just going about your daily life. You need not approve of their sexual activity to treat them with respect. For that matter, you meet many sinners of all sorts every day (not just gay ones). As for myself, I meet one in the mirror every morning.

In your home, I think it is perfectly reasonable to insist that they sleep in separate beds or rooms while visiting, and not show public displays of affection in front of you. That is offensive to your values.

However, not even allowing your step daughter’s friend to come into your house, seems uncharitable to me. Maybe if you step back from the particular sin here, and just consider that she is a sinner, just as I am (though I am obviously not a lesbian). May a sinner enter your house? If the answer is “no”, then you are treating your daughter’s friend as anyone else. If the answer is, “yes”, just not this one, then I suggest that you might want to consider why you have that reaction.
 
My biggest fear by not taking a harder line now, is that it will be a sliipery slope. It will start out with the girlfriend coming over, and then (in order to keep the peace), I will be pressured to accept public displays of affection, then sleeping over, and then eventually participating in some sham of a gay marriage. I do love my step-daughter. It pains me that she has chosen this lifestyle. She used to be attracted to guys in high school, but since she is very tall, and doesnt fit into a size 4-6, she didn’t get much attention from them. I feel she chose this path due to a lack of intimacy (understandable). I can’t control what she does, but I do wish she would turn from this path. I just don’t want to encourage her to stay on it.
 
Welcome to the forums. I’m sorry you are having this stress in your relationships. You probably don’t know me since you’re new here, but I am in complete agreement with the Church’s teachings on these matters. I am also not afraid to make waves when necessary. My family and I have declined to attend weddings of close family members over moral matters. I tell you this just so that you understand the source of my opinion a little better.

I would be willing to meet the friend. If I am correct, you don’t have younger children than the 19yo, right? My first concern is always protecting vulnerable people might be exposed to the immorality and scandalized. That’s one thing you don’t have to worry about, thankfully. It is true that there is a slippery slope, but you CAN draw the line where you want to draw it. It might take more work from you if your step daughter presses the limits, but it can be done. The first and most important reason is that you are only the step father, and therefore your wife really gets to have the final say in this. The second is that this is an area where there is room for disagreement, and where it is hurting the marriage, it is better to compromise for the sake of your relationship with your wife. Thirdly, but still important, your step daughter is probably getting the message (whether or not you intend it) that her friend is vile in some way, because you don’t even want to lay eyes on her. Whereas your wife is giving her the message that it is not about the other girl as a person, but about their actions. I think that you are more likely to make an impression on your step daughter (and maybe even the girlfriend) if you can show your Christian love for them as people while simultaneously rejecting the sin that they are committing. Not allowing the girlfriend to be in your presence makes it much harder to convince them of your Christian love.

I would go ahead with your wife’s stipulations. Privately, I would talk with the wife about your fears of the slippery slope, and come to an agreement about how you will handle the situation if the limits are pressed.
 
Meet her where she is and most importantly LOVE her. We all have our path to God.
 
My youngest daughter’s best friend is gay. I do not treat him any different than any other person. I have let my feelings on the subject be known and talked to him about the graveness of the matter. We have a mutual respect for each other as human beings and agree to disagree.
 
dapperrync said:
My biggest fear by not taking a harder line now, is that it will be a sliipery slope…
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A “harder line” just makes her more likely to become intransigent.

She’s a kid. Object to her choice and she’ll see herself as martyr and victim along with her girlfriend. You have to overcome your personal disgust and be as gracious as possible. She is going to do what she is going to do and nothing you do will change that.

Or you can leave your wife. See, seems kind of extreme to me.
 
dapperrync said:
My biggest fear by not taking a harder line now, is that it will be a sliipery slope. It will start out with the girlfriend coming over, and then (in order to keep the peace), I will be pressured to accept public displays of affection, then sleeping over, and then eventually participating in some sham of a gay marriage. I do love my step-daughter. It pains me that she has chosen this lifestyle. She used to be attracted to guys in high school, but since she is very tall, and doesnt fit into a size 4-6, she didn’t get much attention from them. I feel she chose this path due to a lack of intimacy (understandable). I can’t control what she does, but I do wish she would turn from this path. I just don’t want to encourage her to stay on it.
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Have you talked to your step-daughter about why she chose this path? Human sexuality generally isn’t determined height or by clothing size, and if being ignored in high school turned girls gay, there would be far, far more lesbians in the world than there are.

Second, stop catastrophizing.

Third, if you and your wife are close to splitting up, you need face-to-face counseling. You two have boatloads of issues to work through, and if you’re having trouble doing that alone you’re in need of impartial, professional assistance.

Luna
 
If she wanted to have a live-in boyfriend come over for dinner, would you allow that, or would you say you didn’t ever want to lay eyes on him because you disagree with their situation? Would you be giving tacit approval to their sexual escapades by simply having them over for dinner? Does everyone who comes into your home go to Church every Sunday? Do you require a note from a parish priest for all your dinner guests saying they have been to confession in the last month? When Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors, was He tacitly approving of their actions?

I don’t think what they do privately is any of your affair. Be a good example and leave the rest between them and God.
 
Thank you to all who have posted (even the ones who seemed to characterize my motives incorrectly). I think I am going to allow the girlfriend to come over as a “friend”. However, my wife and I will need to discuss the slippery slope angle, because I know inevitably we will be pushed towards it. I want us to be on the same page before I give up the hard line.
 
dapperrync said:
Thank you to all who have posted (even the ones who seemed to characterize my motives incorrectly). I think I am going to allow the girlfriend to come over as a “friend”. However, my wife and I will need to discuss the slippery slope angle, because I know inevitably we will be pushed towards it. I want us to be on the same page before I give up the hard line.
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I think this makes a great deal of sense.
 
I’m aware this part is called catholic living
family life
dapperrync said:
I think I am going to allow the girlfriend to come over as a “friend”.
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Making enemies isn’t difficult ,
but making friends or “friends” is a good thing !!
I’m glad you’ll give it a chance 🙂
However, my wife and I will need to discuss the slippery slope angle, because I know inevitably we will be pushed towards it.
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Ah , ok , no problem with that !!
I want us to be on the same page before I give up the hard line.
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Suppose that’s not going to happen , what then ??

Salute & Cheers from a NON BELIEVER:
– Laurent LUG (.@…), November 27, 2012
 
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