Still no sex after 6 months marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter Angelo85
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Blacksword said:
You really need to think about things here: I say look into annulment immediately if this doesn’t immediately change unless you want to live in a loveless sexless marriage for life. Something is VERY wrong here, if she doesn’t want to jump your bones like crazy just after marrying and having waited for the marriage to do it then there is a REAL and serious problem. Don’t wait this out: take action to change this now whether through counseling or medical check ups or something, or get out, don’t float along unless you’re prepared to live this way always.
Click to expand...
This. Your wife needs to wake up.
 
You mentioned your wife does not try too much. This all sounds very one sided. You mentioned you believe love is more important than sex…true, but sex is a big part of love. The intimacy part, this creates a bond and a unity. Right now you are just friends living together, and you are paying the bills ect. I wonder how much in denial you are about this situation.
 
Dear all,

thanks a lot for the many replies I got. All are very valuable, and I will look after them.
I do have to clear up a few thing though:
-there is no chance at all for immigration fraud (even though I understand from a certain point of view from the CAF members). I know her very well, and she really wants to live with me only. She has loved me deeply for the last 6 years, and she never left me even when we had so many times and I hurted her sometimes with my words. She feels very comfortable with me.
-I would like to do counselling or see a doctor, but it will start after a few months I guess, since I have very less money at the moment…a sudden change of expenses stood in the way (high electricity/gas bill because of harsh winter, university fees, expensive house rent etc.). So unless I manage financially, I’m not able to search for counselling any time soon. In Belgium you have to pay beforehand, and for counselling you won’t get money back from the health insurance.
-There is some kind of intimacy between us. We kiss a lot and hold/cuddle often. But that’s how far it goes. She told me she feels very relaxed and comfortable in our relationship, and that there are no barriers between us. I don’t know how much of it is true, but I feel the same like how she feels (if it’s true).
-I’m getting really confused by her now. She tells sometimes that the fear/pain is causing her to avoid it. But more often she is telling that the real reason is that she is not interested in sex. She is not getting the ‘sex drive’. The way how she felt before marriage didn’t come after marriage. I don’t know how to make her drive go up 😦
 
petitfleur said:
You mentioned your wife does not try too much. This all sounds very one sided. You mentioned you believe love is more important than sex…true, but sex is a big part of love. The intimacy part, this creates a bond and a unity. Right now you are just friends living together, and you are paying the bills ect. I wonder how much in denial you are about this situation.
Click to expand...
I also feel often that it’s one sided. I know sex is also a big part in a relationship, but I’m scared that it will take a long time before we finally ‘do it’. But I don’t want to leave her in any circumstance. I miss the sex a lot, but I maybe have to sacrifice it because I love her that much…
 
Angelo85 said:
.
-I’m getting really confused by her now. She tells sometimes that the fear/pain is causing her to avoid it. But more often she is telling that the real reason is that she is not interested in sex. She is not getting the ‘sex drive’. The way how she felt before marriage didn’t come after marriage. I don’t know how to make her drive go up 😦
Click to expand...
Take away her credit cards and see what happens next. I don’t think she will instantly want to have sex with you, but at least you’d be able to see how much of her love for you is her love for what you provide her. Sit down with her and work on a budget. If she’s not willing to do this, you’re going to need counseling, so be sure to cut off her supply of spending money (that you say you can’t really afford).
 
It might also be good to try to lessen your commute if you want to work on the marriage. My wife and I are in the car together 3 hours a day when I’m not in the field for work - we’re tired and snarling at each other all the time now and used to have a much better contentment to our marriage. Commuting six hours a day - it is a wonder she remembers who you are. (This last is mostly humor.)

Also, especially for a new marriage, it is not good to be thinking of other women while experiencing sexual stimulation. I’m trying to think of a way to say something without crossing a line here. Ah, I’m just going to say it. Can you at least think of only her if you aren’t able/willing to hold off on the masturbation? At least get rid of the porn to start? (This is coming from a man who has made many mistakes and I’m sure the correct Church teaching is to stop both - I’m not sure if suggesting baby steps on the way out of sin is ok by the Church.)

I hope things get better - a new marriage should be a time of joy.
 
Angelo85 said:
Dear all,

thanks a lot for the many replies I got. All are very valuable, and I will look after them.
I do have to clear up a few thing though:
-there is no chance at all for immigration fraud (even though I understand from a certain point of view from the CAF members). I know her very well, and she really wants to live with me only. She has loved me deeply for the last 6 years, and she never left me even when we had so many times and I hurted her sometimes with my words. She feels very comfortable with me.
-I would like to do counselling or see a doctor, but it will start after a few months I guess, since I have very less money at the moment…a sudden change of expenses stood in the way (high electricity/gas bill because of harsh winter, university fees, expensive house rent etc.). So unless I manage financially, I’m not able to search for counselling any time soon. In Belgium you have to pay beforehand, and for counselling you won’t get money back from the health insurance.
-There is some kind of intimacy between us. We kiss a lot and hold/cuddle often. But that’s how far it goes. She told me she feels very relaxed and comfortable in our relationship, and that there are no barriers between us. I don’t know how much of it is true, but I feel the same like how she feels (if it’s true).
-I’m getting really confused by her now. She tells sometimes that the fear/pain is causing her to avoid it. But more often she is telling that the real reason is that she is not interested in sex. She is not getting the ‘sex drive’. The way how she felt before marriage didn’t come after marriage. I don’t know how to make her drive go up 😦
Click to expand...
You are not alone in this, I have and am going through similar circumstances and wanted to share a couple things. As I read your post, and listen to the circumstances, it was almost surreal how I wondered if I am sleepwalking and coming to the computer and asking about this. So similar…

Masturbation, avoid it. Every time you get sexually frustrated, you will feel more justified to run to this and its a cycle. Work on prayer and avoid the computer, or your access to porn, at all cost.

Seek counseling, but I would also seek a medical professional, even if it is a regular Dr. We had this issue for over a year, and its still ongoing, but she knew how much it was bothering me and agreed to go to a Dr. He ended up finding something, that required surgery, and she is now much healthier and feeling better than she was before.

The “it hurts” is real. A regular Dr can help with this. PM me if you want more details that I wont share here.

Oh, and avoid temptations!!! It only makes things work. Acts such as that push God away and you want him close to help you two through this tough time. Im sure its difficult on her as well.
 
Angelo85 said:
Dear all,

I have always been a virgin (until now), even though I struggled a lot with masturbation problems. Nothing seemed to help me get rid of this…
Until the moment I was with my girlfriend. Only at those moments I was able to stop with it.
Now we have been married for 6 months. The problem is: still we didn’t have sex. We would try once a month, all of the other days it’s quit. She doesn’t have any bad experience in the past, and she is also a virgin like me. Before we got married, we just talked a little bit about how sex is going to happen, everything should be according to the catholic rules etc… Because she didn’t have any knowledge about it, and I was just teaching her. Also from a medical view I could tell her, since I’ll become a doctor next year.
She also gained knowledge through the Pre-Cana classes we followed together. At that time before marriage she was excited like. During our wedding night it went quite well, just a little bit of exploring.
Later on she was giving the reason that because we stayed somewhere else, we couldn’t have proper ‘intimacy’ until we had a own house. After having a own house, still nothing happened. It’s like she is not interested.
I’m also struggling because of the masturbation and porn viewing problems in the past. I tried not to sin…but the longer there was a ‘distance between us’, the more I get this feelings back. Every once in a while she will give me a promise that it will happen for sure next day, but I know 99% of the times it’s not true.
I don’t know what to do know. Every time we try (just 8 times until now) I try to satisfy her during foreplay, without thinking about me. She seems to enjoy and tells she is happy. But the ‘actual thing’ won’t happen.
Now I fully started back with masturbating and watching dirty pics/videos, because I feel like what’s the use if still after 6 months nothing happened between us.
I’m also not getting satisfied by her. It’s not ego. I try to make her happy a lot, I have saved aloooot of cash before we got married, just so she could buy whatever she wanted (she couldn’t buy anything she wanted in the past). I could never eat what I liked to eat, just with the thought not to waste a single cent for our future. I tried to get a good house for us, I tried to let her come to Europe. She couldn’t stay here in the Netherlands, so we moved to Belgium. And every day I have to travel to the Netherlands (6 hours a day), just for my studies. I let her buy everything she wants, with the only rule not to buy for me (so she can spend all the money for her). I love her the maximum, and I want everything best for her.
Many people told me that I have a too good character, and it will break me once in life. Now I feel like it might be true. I am not happy. It’s like I’m sacrificing too much. I don’t know what to do now… I’ll never divorce her or go with some other girl else, because I want her only, and God gave me her as the biggest gift in my life. She cooks every day for me, she cleans the house, she always buys for me also (even though I get angry for that).
But we have too many fights, she gets aggressive also and throws things (just because I don’t speak with her, I purposely do because I want her to calm down). And maybe I just have to admit myself it will never work out, and I have to live a life without sex…
Click to expand...
She needs to visit:
  1. a catholic doctor with a specialization in physical and physiological sexology and
    a catholic doctor wih a specialization in gynecology and in obstetric. A medical check up of her body, of her physiology, of her sexual organs;
  2. a catholic doctor with a specialization in mental and psychiatrical sexology and a catholic psychologist. A medical check up of her psyche, of her mentalities, of her own view on the sexuality, on her own body, on her own corporeity, on your body, your corporeity, and about the sexual act;
  3. a catholic priest and a catholic ethicist with a specialization in conjugal sexual morality for getting information about the morality of the marital act, with all the corollaries: her rights, her obligations and her duties, in the details with all the subtleties, and your rights, your duties and your obligations, in the details with all the subtleties (the right to the body, the right on the body, the right of the body, the marital sexual debt, the conjugal sexual rights, the natural moral order of the materiality and of the intentionality of the mutual / reciprocal donation of bodies and of nudities, her body is your body and your body is her body, the sexual vows of marriage);
She needs to identify the medical issues, the moral issues, the emotional issues, the spiritual issues, the religious issues that can be at the spring of these sexual problems, in the details with all the subtelties. *
**
You, her husband has the right to know why???* The medical check up and the religious analysis are very important for finding out **the deep reasons of this situation and for attempting some treatments. **

**Is she honest with you? Does she love you really, body and soul? Does she want to have babies with you? Is she ready for being open to the life with you? Does she want to have a family with you? **
 
I was just thinking that she obviously likes foreplay b/c she doesn’t tell you to stop and I’m assuming she orgasms. It seems to me like she does like sex, she is just afraid of the actual act due to pain.

I know that if sex caused me pain, I wouldn’t want it.

So I disagree that she doesn’t like sex b/c she does enjoy the acts leading up to penetration - it’s all part of the ritual of making love. She is fearful of the pain associated with the actual act. She needs help with that and I am not qualified in that area 🙂
 
Angelo85 said:
I would like to do counselling or see a doctor, but it will start after a few months I guess, since I have very less money at the moment…a sudden change of expenses stood in the way (high electricity/gas bill because of harsh winter, university fees, expensive house rent etc.). So unless I manage financially, I’m not able to search for counselling any time soon. In Belgium you have to pay beforehand, and for counselling you won’t get money back from the health insurance.
Click to expand...
Might I suggest that if you are “letting her buy whatever she wants”, as you say in a previous post, you two cut back on all the spending and put some of that money toward a doctor visit. Have you asked her to see someone? She should be willing to forego some shopping to get herself checked out, for the sake of her marriage.
 
**Normally, **the marital act, that is practiced by the spouses, with love and tenderness, even the first, is not painful. In general, a virgin wife does not have huge pains or injuries during the first sexual act. May be, a little pain, but it is a tacit agreement in the marriage vow of having some possible sexual little inconveniences because the first time of sex. The wife agrees with the normal first events of the marital act. She was okay with the rule of game of marriage. The sexual efforts and the sexual sacrifices???
 
fpt said:
**Normally, **the marital act, that is practiced by the spouses, with love and tenderness, even the first, is not painful. In general, a virgin wife does not have huge pains or injuries during the first sexual act. May be, a little pain, but it is a tacit agreement in the marriage vow of having some possible sexual little inconveniences because the first time of sex. The wife agrees with the normal first events of the marital act. She was okay with the rule of game of marriage. The sexual efforts and the sexual sacrifices???
Click to expand...
In the past, the catholic doctors and the priests could have direct and strong speeches about the obligations and the duties of the wife on the marital act. These speeches were too much, i agree with, but the reality of the marital debt is still existing. The right is the right. The natural moral order is and stays. The attempting of the marital act has to be done, otherwise she needs to visit a doctor.

The cases possible;

the treatment of wife with her own sexual sacrifices and her own sexual efforts for leading the marital act, with a good ending;

All will be okay

The refusal of treatment and of sexual sacrifices and of sexual efforts by the wife, in the bad faith; She is not honest, she is guilty???

=====> the declaration of nullity of marriage because of refusal of the marital act, by wife, the physical union of bodies in the human fashion is not;* and her immoral behavior.*

The try of treatment and of sexual sacrifices and of sexual efforts of wife, but no good ending (no marital act), in the good faith;

=====> the declaration of nullity of marriage because of the impotence of wife; no guilt coming from wife
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Take away her credit cards and see what happens next. I don’t think she will instantly want to have sex with you, but at least you’d be able to see how much of her love for you is her love for what you provide her. Sit down with her and work on a budget. If she’s not willing to do this, you’re going to need counseling, so be sure to cut off her supply of spending money (that you say you can’t really afford).
Click to expand...
OP, pay attention to the above post.

this is the only and by that I mean ONLY comment that makes any sense at all. this is not about sex.
 
Fairwinds said:
OP, pay attention to the above post.

this is the only and by that I mean ONLY comment that makes any sense at all. this is not about sex.
Click to expand...
It may not be about sex or it may be about respect, selfishness and “sex” amoung many other things. His wife could have many issues.

I wish we could get into the wife’s mind so we could find the source of their issues. She is very lucky though bc she is so loved by him.

I would never be able to spend my husband’s money the way his wife does. I would feel really bad about it. I just wouldn’t do it. I would want to help my husband more than she does. I guess that’s not a good sign about his wife if she pushes to spend more of his money on silly things like purses.
 
Serap said:
It may not be about sex or it may be about respect, selfishness and “sex” amoung many other things. His wife could have many issues.

I wish we could get into the wife’s mind so we could find the source of their issues. She is very lucky though bc she is so loved by him.

I would never be able to spend my husband’s money the way his wife does. I would feel really bad about it. I just wouldn’t do it. I would want to help my husband more than she does. I guess that’s not a good sign about his wife if she pushes to spend more of his money on silly things like purses.
Click to expand...
you have reminded me that there are always two sides to any dispute.
 
Still no sign of improvement, just tried one more time, but she told tthat the real reason is that she never gets the mood for sex. But she feels guilty for me that I’m sacrifising for her…very guilty. I tried many things to try to improve her mind ((all the previous sex trials were just based on foreplay for, and to make her orgasm, without any benefit for me), but even that doesnt work. I don’t know what will happen…😦
 
Angelo85 said:
… But she is scared she will get pain after the first time. Maybe this fear is too much for her. When we attempt to do, she will shout. The muscles around that area will tighten, but I don’t know how to deal with it. Because I don’t want her to have any pain, I’m not continuing either. I feel sad for her, but maybe I’m too soft.
Click to expand...
This could be a condition called vaginismus. You could show her this information or print it out. I can actually remember being quite frightened myself about this on my wedding night and to be honest, sex always hurt somewhat until after I had my first child.

medicalnewstoday.com/articles/175261.php

Make it a priority to get this aspect of your relationship fixed sooner than later. Nothing’s going to change by just ‘waiting it out’. Good luck.
 
Angelo85 said:
Still no sign of improvement, just tried one more time, but she told tthat the real reason is that she never gets the mood for sex. But she feels guilty for me that I’m sacrifising for her…very guilty. I tried many things to try to improve her mind ((all the previous sex trials were just based on foreplay for, and to make her orgasm, without any benefit for me), but even that doesnt work. I don’t know what will happen…😦
Click to expand...
She needs to go and see a doctor. And possibly a psychiatrist. I’m sorry that you have made no progress on this problem. It’s not up to you to fix her or solve this problem. She should want to find out why she has this lack of a sex drive.

I’m still very concerned that she is using you for what you give her.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top