Strange family problems

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lily20

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My husband refuses to work, and he hardly works on his dissertation despite being a “full time” student. He takes out massive amounts of student loans every year, and from time to time, blames me for not paying into them. Recently he has been talking about moving back in with his parents and he’s been pressuring me more about it.

My concern there is that he will never work and that my son and I will get corrupted by his family cult religion which is rooted in “channeling of spirits,” which is totally bogus to me. His family will allow him to live there indefinitely for free, and it’s pretty isolated out there.

I just don’t know what to do. There’s no way I can leave as we have a 4 month old son. Will I have to go there? My thought is to move in with my mother, but then my son will be subject there by himself, and I won’t see him as much.

I know I’m in a very hard situation. I just keep praying a LOT.

Lily
 
Is your husband ABD? If so, there’s really no excuse for not looking for a job. Is this arrangement (living off student loans) something you discussed prior to being married, or something that happened since then? Do you have a paid job?

I definitely don’t think the solution is for the two of you to live in separate places. He doesn’t need to move back in with his parents, and neither do you. If you can’t make it on your own as a family without him working, then he needs to find a job.

I really think a lot of how to approach the situation depends on what you two had agreed on when he started his program and where he is in the program. Even then though, you now have a son and he needs to be open to a change of plans if it’s what is best for your family. Most people work while writing a dissertation. And if he doesn’t, he needs to be focusing on it full time. Have you talked about this to him, or are you just secretly frustrated?
 
Is the environment conducive to him being able to work on his dissertation? Do you know for a fact that he is not trying to finish it? What, other than not paying rent, has he to gain by moving in with his parents? Does he need a way ‘out’ of his present situation? You two should be communicating whether than guessing at each other’s motives. Is your refusal to pay into his loans a way of punishing him for not working on his dissertation?
 
dont move in with his parents. dont let the baby move in with his parents. have the baby baptized asap.

channeling of spirits is oftentimes bogus, but not always. and when it’s not bogus it’s very bad. either way it’s not from God and it’s bad for your child.

what to do after that? talk to a priest right away.
 
Detach with love.

It sounds to me that he needs psychological help, although I am not qualified to make such a diagnosis. I’m not certain your insistence would necessarily prompt him to seek help–you can’t control what he does, ultimately; but you can make it clear that you find his behavior unacceptable, and you can refuse to continue to enable such behavior, for instance, by paying-off his loans.

I would never give someone the advice to leave a marriage, but you do need to take care of yourself and your child. If you decide to move out, do so with that idea in mind.

Praying for you, and your family.
 
Writing a dissertation is tough, and many many people get burned out and blocked once they reach that point in their studies. I think your husband needs to see a counselor through his university about why he is having trouble finishing his dissertation. He should talk to his adviser too, and see if together they can’t break the thing down into smaller tasks with due dates. You may want to ask your husband if he still wants his doctorate and if he still wants to go into academia. He might not want to, and he may not fully understand that or he may be too scared to admit it.

I know there are other problems you mentioned as well, but that’s where I would start. I would not pressure about a job at the moment, because writing a dissertation is all consuming.
 
bearkatjen said:
I would not pressure about a job at the moment, because writing a dissertation is all consuming.
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I know that a dissertation is all consuming, but all the people I know with doctorates (and I know quite a few) also worked full time while they finished up (usually as a professor, or else by taking any job/jobs they could find).

I’m trying to think if anyone I know devoted themselves full time to their dissertaion alone. I cannot think of one.

Yes, it is hard. But when one has a family to support, they need to make it work.

My advice to the OP is to talk with your priest and seek his counsel.
 
lily20 said:
My husband refuses to work, and he hardly works on his dissertation despite being a “full time” student. He takes out massive amounts of student loans every year, and from time to time, blames me for not paying into them. Recently he has been talking about moving back in with his parents and he’s been pressuring me more about it.

Lily
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you need a lawyer, and you need him yesterday
you could be liable for the debt this deadbeat dad is racking up
if he is pressuring you about this to the degree you are adking for help he has issues and a potential threat to you and your son

the common route for ABD is to be working somewhere in his field, if he is not, he is not serious one bit about the degree or the job.
 
Refuse completely to move in with your in-laws. Your husband needs counseling yesterday. Consult with your priest about what is best to do.
My advice is to keep loving and praying for your husband, but to go ahead and prepare to support yourself and your son if your husband won’t do it.
Living with people who channel spirits is a very dangerous and unhealthy environment. Don’t do it!
 
lily20 said:
My husband refuses to work, and he hardly works on his dissertation despite being a “full time” student. He takes out massive amounts of student loans every year, and from time to time, blames me for not paying into them. Recently he has been talking about moving back in with his parents and he’s been pressuring me more about it.

My concern there is that he will never work and that my son and I will get corrupted by his family cult religion which is rooted in “channeling of spirits,” which is totally bogus to me. His family will allow him to live there indefinitely for free, and it’s pretty isolated out there.

I just don’t know what to do. There’s no way I can leave as we have a 4 month old son. Will I have to go there? My thought is to move in with my mother, but then my son will be subject there by himself, and I won’t see him as much.

I know I’m in a very hard situation. I just keep praying a LOT.

Lily
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You might think channeling spirits is bogus and it might be but it might also be dangerous. Do you think maybe a bad spirit is influencing your husband or has a hold of him? Has he been around when his parents were channeling could that be possible?..if you’re not sure I’d definitely see a priest about it. As to his not working and going to school was this discussed and decided together or did you change your mind after the baby came? Either ways it’s his responsibility to provide for the family if he’s not willing to do that then he’s not upholding his marriage vows at the very least he needs to help around the house. I most certainly wouldn’t move in with his relatives…much too dangerous. I believe in the influence of negative spirits (demons) so why take the smallest chance of inviting something into your life which you might not be able to get rid of. If he won’t man-up maybe you have to leave for awhile to make him wake up. If not at least your child won’t be around negative influences. I would do all you can before taking that step though. Prayers
 
Wow, there are a lot of questions. Let me answer them.
  1. Is my husband ABD? Yes.
  2. Is the arrangement (living off student loans) something you discussed prior to being married? No.
  3. Do I have a paid job? Yes, I have two part-time jobs
  4. Am I secretly frustrated? No. I have spoken with him.
  5. Is the environment conducive to him working? I think so. Our baby yells during the day but he has two brothers and friends and libraries he can go to at any time to work.
  6. What, other than not paying rent, has he to gain by moving in with his parents? He talks a LOT about “connecting,” and his parents have a multi-million dollar property with lots of organic food. He says it will be easier for him to work there as it’s isolated, and we can live cheap without his student loans.
  7. Do you know for a fact that he is not trying to finish it? YES. It’s been 2.5 years since we’ve met and he’s only formed his committee and is starting on the first half of it. He says he’s a perfectionist, and it’s hard for him to work. My husband has considered Adderall.
  8. Is your refusal to pay into his loans a way of punishing him for not working on his dissertation? No. I give him 100% of every bit of my paycheck every month.
  9. Yes, I have a lawyer who is writing stuff so that I’m not responsible for his laziness.
  10. Do you think maybe a bad spirit is influencing your husband or has a hold of him? YES. I’m certain of it.
  11. Has he been around when his parents were channeling could that be possible? They channelled all through his childhood, saying he was a prophet, so I’m sure this has something warped to do with it. He thinks he can’t aspire to the “perfect” image they have of him.
 
  1. As to his not working and going to school was this discussed and decided together or did you change your mind after the baby came? He always said once he got through school, he would either work at his family’s business, create a wilderness business, or/and lead dream groups. He is leading a dream group currently, which is paid.
So… am I the one that needs to work full time then, so he can get off his loans?
 
One more question… I hope you forgive the resentfulness in my typing. I suppose I’m a bit tired today.

My husband’s been playing online games with a lady from back when he was in college… is this ok? He says it’s harmless. In addition he’s wanted to call and check in with her.

Also he has a lady friend who he wants to meet for breakfast, and another a half hour away who he wants to arrange a playdate with for my son and her daughter. is this ok?

Sometimes he confuses me so much I can’t see straight.

Thanks,
Lily
 
lily20 said:
One more question… I hope you forgive the resentfulness in my typing. I suppose I’m a bit tired today.

My husband’s been playing online games with a lady from back when he was in college… is this ok? He says it’s harmless. In addition he’s wanted to call and check in with her.

Also he has a lady friend who he wants to meet for breakfast, and another a half hour away who he wants to arrange a playdate with for my son and her daughter. is this ok?

Sometimes he confuses me so much I can’t see straight.

Thanks,
Lily
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Far be it from me to sow seeds of suspicion, but lots of things start out as “harmless”. They may be harmless now, but that doesn’t make them prudent things to do.

I would highly recommend talking through these issues with your priest. He could give you much better guidance than we can. :o
 
NO, it is not okay.
And, you have every right to feel resentful. But, don’t let that resentment become a seed in you ~ continue to move forward with kindness and love ~ wherever ‘forward’ takes you, keep your eyes on the things above.

God bless you, my heart goes out to you.
 
Your husband needs to grow up and be a man and take care of his family and future. If he needs help/counselling he needs to get it and move on. Playing online? Are you serious?

I think a 4 year tour in the army would be a nice way to grow up/man up.

What is a dream group?
 
Lily,
Would it be possible for you and your son to live with your Mom for even a while? Since you are the only one earning a salary and your husband is not taking his job as a husband, father or student seriously, perhaps you need some time apart to think things through; for HIM to think about what he is willing to do to work on his marriage. It sounds like he has no real ambition to get things on track. The move to his parents would only allow him to slip further into irresponsibility. I don’t believe he will be any more serious about his dissertation there than he has been up to this point. You handing over the money from your paychecks has to stop. He is doing nothing to support you and your marriage but run up more debts. Please do not enable his behavior further. What would he do if you were not there to support him? He would go to his parents and do more of the same as he does at home.

The channeling, the online gaming, the women friends–these are all troubling to me. Please do as so many have suggested and speak to both a priest ans a lawyer. May God bless you and guide you.
 
Oh my gosh, thank you sooo much for all your kind words. What a weight off my shoulders. I felt like I am doing something wrong by not accepting my husband’s behavior. He says if I don’t allow him to have female friends it’s a lack of trust and commitment on my part. He said he’s the one paying for everything,because he takes out loans. When I say it’s debt, he harasses me. I already called the police once, and they cited him for harassment. But every time I try to leave, he says “you’ll regret it” and “you always do this, you’re psycho” etc.

A dream group is another bogus thing, where he meets with middle-aged women and interprets their dreams in a class setting. I stay out of it, it’s not something I was interested in when we were married, but something he’s decided to pursue himself. He claims since the bible uses dreams that’s it’s biblical. I think it’s more like astrology type stuff, so I don’t think it’s godly. But I have no say.

Like I said, if I leave he gets two lawyers and harasses me and I can’t afford it because me makes false claims against me. So I decided to stay, also I can’t bear the thought of leaving my son to fend for himself in this. My husband will take 50% custody and has told me this. With me in the marriage, we both get full custody of our son and I am able to take him to daily mass with me in the mornings.

Thanks for the wake-up call here. I get so out of touch with reality with him. He told me yesterday that if the married lady he’s playing internet games with is playing with him due to marriage problems, he would be happy to speak with her about them and use it as a way to connect to her. He has no idea how weird that sounds.

I will definitely consider moving in with my mom for a few weeks. She is very critical of me, but I don’t know what else to do. The only trouble with that is I will not have the baby full time-- we will have to agree on a custody thing, and I’m a bit afraid of leaving my young son with him as he’s very absent-minded and has an anger problem.

My husband insisted on speaking with a priest about the girls thing, and the priest said that he has female friends, so my husband has been using that to build leverage for him to still have them. (He failed to tell the priest he still has dating sites in his emails, and that he’s gone behind my back while I’m at work to meet with girls).

I’m sick of this. If I leave, his lawyer will probably make a condition that I have to stay in this State, and most of my work is actually in another state. So I just don’t know what to do. I also fear that my son will be damaged by his father’s behavior, and I will have zero control if I’m not around.

On a good note, my husband has been working on his anger problems, and they have gotten a bit easier. He refuses help though, and it may return.

Sorry to “vent” and God Bless You. May Peace and Grace be always in your Home.
 
lily20 said:
One more question… I hope you forgive the resentfulness in my typing. I suppose I’m a bit tired today.

My husband’s been playing online games with a lady from back when he was in college… is this ok? He says it’s harmless. In addition he’s wanted to call and check in with her.

Also he has a lady friend who he wants to meet for breakfast, and another a half hour away who he wants to arrange a playdate with for my son and her daughter. is this ok?

Sometimes he confuses me so much I can’t see straight.

Thanks,
Lily
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If he has time to play online games, his dissertation should be done!

Your son is 4 MONTHS old. He does not need play dates at 4 months. Son is not the one who will be playing…:cool:

Document, document, document everything. Document his anger, his forgetfulness,his threats. If a custody struggle comes, this documentation may be valuable.
 
Have you met with a priest or a lawyer about these issues? Don’t assume that simply because he says these things will come to pass that it will actually play out that way. You should really talk these issues out with someone who can give you professional advice on your options.
 
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