Stress of finances is killing me

[PA2NCCatholic]

I’m posting just to try to relieve some stress and because I can’t really talk to anybody. My financial obligations just feel crushing and I don’t know how I will ever get out of this hole.

I have a stay-at-home wife and two young children that rely on me. I cannot afford my house, my property taxes, credit cards, medical debt. I owe several years of taxes. I feel that I never should have gotten married because I am not organized/mature/secure enough that anybody should be relying on me. I was reluctant to get married for this reason, and I was correct in my assessment.

My marriage isn’t exactly the best and my wife blames me for our problems so I can’t exactly confide in her. My family has done so much for me and I do not want to ask for more help. Any words of advice? Any saint to whom you suggest I pray?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m posting just to try to relieve some stress and because I can’t really talk to anybody. My financial obligations just feel crushing and I don’t know how I will ever get out of this hole.

I have a stay-at-home wife and two young children that rely on me. I cannot afford my house, my property taxes, credit cards, medical debt. I owe several years of taxes. I feel that I never should have gotten married because I am not organized/mature/secure enough that anybody should be relying on me. I was reluctant to get married for this reason, and I was correct in my assessment.

My marriage isn’t exactly the best and my wife blames me for our problems so I can’t exactly confide in her. My family has done so much for me and I do not want to ask for more help. Any words of advice? Any saint to whom you suggest I pray?

Dave. Ramsey.

 

[zea_maize]

What have you tried so far to manage your finances?

I recommend a combination of Dave Ramsey baby steps with You Need a Budget to track your budget.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I’m posting just to try to relieve some stress and because I can’t really talk to anybody. My financial obligations just feel crushing and I don’t know how I will ever get out of this hole.

I have a stay-at-home wife and two young children that rely on me. I cannot afford my house, my property taxes, credit cards, medical debt. I owe several years of taxes. I feel that I never should have gotten married because I am not organized/mature/secure enough that anybody should be relying on me. I was reluctant to get married for this reason, and I was correct in my assessment.

My marriage isn’t exactly the best and my wife blames me for our problems so I can’t exactly confide in her. My family has done so much for me and I do not want to ask for more help. Any words of advice? Any saint to whom you suggest I pray?

I can’t help you with financial wisdom, as we are in much debt ourselves and living paycheck to paycheck. With my medical bills, his student loan debt and just paying rent and utilities it is also very stressful for my husband. I sympathize with your pain as I see it in my husband often. It is a great cross for a husband and father to struggle greatly trying to provide for his family. You are not a failure or a bad person. You’ve maybe made some bad financial choices in the past, but we all make mistakes. If you’re struggling just for the necessities you may qualify for some government aid. Don’t feel embarrassed to accept help when needed, we all have to lean on others sometimes. We can’t (and were never intended to) make it on our own.

You are very much called to marriage as God has blessed you with a wife and children. If you are struggling in your marriage you should see a priest together for advice, or a counselor, or better yet both!

Many saints experienced financial hardship. The best Saint for you would be Saint Joseph. He struggled greatly just to provide Mary and Jesus with the very necessities of life. Think of how he must of felt if he could not feed the blessed mother and the Son of God with food one day. Yes I think St Joseph is a great Saint for you!

God bless you! Hang in there.

 

[heidi_storage]

A few thoughts:

1. Now is not the time to characterize yourself as disorganized, immature, and insecure. You can learn to be better in all three areas–do it. There are lots of organizational systems and tips online; pick one and stick with it. Think of yourself as responsible and capable, and act accordingly; easier said than done, I know, but absolutely possible. Sometimes when I feel the kids are driving me nuts I adopt a “persona” of Super Mom who is calm, cool, and totally in control, and it helps me to act better than I’m feeling. When I was working outside the home, I did the same thing with my organizational skills, and while using ridiculous numbers of notes and reminders was able to improve my organization quite a bit.
2. Maybe reconsider “I can’t confide in my wife”? Not to say that you should be presenting a doom-and-gloom picture, but as a stay-at-home-mom myself I really appreciate my husband keeping me in the financial loop. Remember, even if your marriage is in a rocky spot, you and your wife are on the same team. If anything, it may decrease her frustration with you if you two develop a financial plan together, allowing her to participate in the process of digging yourselves out. This situation is a challenge–one that is all too common, unfortunately–but many other families have been able to face that challenge and reestablish themselves. Again, do not present this as “I’m such a screwup and failure; we’re going under because I can’t make ends meet,” but as “Here are our challenges. Here are some options to explore to better our situation. I would really appreciate your take on this so that we work this out together.”
3. It costs money, but I have heard that a good financial planner is well worth it for couples in debt. The planner can assess your situation and offer dispassionate, professional advice.

Good luck. Money can be so stressful, and put a strain on even an excellent relationship! Hang in there.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Peoples Dave Ramsey is not the end all be all. His method works for some, but not all. Sure the OP can try the method if he wishes, but it’s not wrong to pursue other paths. And he’s not a failure if DR’s method doesn’t work out. Dave Ramsey did NOT work for us at all. It’s not the only way.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Peoples Dave Ramsey is not the end all be all. His method works for some, but not all. Sure the OP can try the method if he wishes, but it’s not wrong to pursue other paths, or a failure if DR’s method fails. Dave Ramsey did NOT work for us at all. It’s not the only way.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Peoples Dave Ramsey is not the end all be all. His method works for some, but not all. Sure the OP can try the method if he wishes, but it’s not wrong to pursue other paths. And he’s not a failure if DR’s method doesn’t work out. Dave Ramsey did NOT work for us at all. It’s not the only way.

I don’t generally like Dave’s rigidness or even some of his philosophy. We are by no means debt free, but I’ll gladly have our debts for all of the experiences we have had or children we have brought forth.
However, I will say that for the financially desperate dave’s is by far the most successful program I have ever heard of. Before we start shooting down the op’s path to security let’s try not to turn this into a gripe session about why daves program didn’t work in other situations. If you have criticisms of DRs plan then by all means point them out. I for one will probably agree. But the math is pretty simple. It will work. Period.

Do you have an alternate suggestion that you can offer when you discount the program?

Because the answer is not " well I guess you will just be poor forever… There is nothing you can do…"

 

[zea_maize]

I don’t generally like Dave’s rigidness or even some of his philosophy. We are by no means debt free, but I’ll gladly have our debts for all of the experiences we have had or children we have brought forth.
However, I will say that for the financially desperate dave’s is by far the most successful program I have ever heard of. Before we start shooting down the op’s path to security let’s try not to turn this into a gripe session about why daves program didn’t work in other situations. If you have criticisms of DRs plan then by all means point them out. I for one will probably agree. But the math is pretty simple. It will work. Period.

Do you have an alternate suggestion that you can offer when you discount the program?

Because the answer is not " well I guess you will just be poor forever… There is nothing you can do…"

Ditto this. For someone who describes himself as unorganized the rigid structure of DRs plan may be just what he needs. But, we need to also understand what the OP has tried, first. If he’s already tried DR and it didn’t work, then we can tailor our advice based on that. There are some tried and true things and DR is usually a great place to start.

 

[pensmama87]

Peoples Dave Ramsey is not the end all be all. His method works for some, but not all. Sure the OP can try the method if he wishes, but it’s not wrong to pursue other paths. And he’s not a failure if DR’s method doesn’t work out. Dave Ramsey did NOT work for us at all. It’s not the only way.

I think you’re reading too much into this. People for whom DR’s plan worked will recommend him. You don’t have to recommend him if you don’t want to, and nobody is saying that he’s the only way at all.

I happen to think he’s very good for people who know very little about money because the steps are very clear. You’re free to disagree, of course.

OP: I think financial help and marital counseling are warranted. You and your wife need to feel like a team, and solve this as a team. If you treat her like an opponent or adversary, this situation is not going to get better regardless of whether you’re in the black or red.

Praying for you. My husband and I have had some very tight finances during our marriage and only now are we beginning to climb out. It’s very rough.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I’m posting just to try to relieve some stress and because I can’t really talk to anybody. My financial obligations just feel crushing and I don’t know how I will ever get out of this hole.

I have a stay-at-home wife and two young children that rely on me. I cannot afford my house, my property taxes, credit cards, medical debt. I owe several years of taxes. I feel that I never should have gotten married because I am not organized/mature/secure enough that anybody should be relying on me. I was reluctant to get married for this reason, and I was correct in my assessment.

My marriage isn’t exactly the best and my wife blames me for our problems so I can’t exactly confide in her. My family has done so much for me and I do not want to ask for more help. Any words of advice? Any saint to whom you suggest I pray?

I live in the UK so haven’t heard of the DR programme and things obviously work differently here but a few points I wanted to suggest:

Firstly communication with your wife is key, although I understand it will be hard. The reason I say this is that when my husband and I married 3 years ago, between the 2 of us we had about £40,000 worth of debt. This is almost completely gone but the way we did this was to sit down together (well I did spreadsheets first as I am more financially savvy and then went through it with my husband) and worked out a budget for EVERYTHING. We then stuck to that budget. Yes it’s meant going out with a few things but we’ve had a child and I’m pregnant with my second and we’ve till been able to get nice things for them. So while we’ve had to go without a luxury holiday for example and we don’t have much spare cash, we don’t have a bad life at all!

So firstly communication is key and second is to budget budget budget!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Ditto this. For someone who describes himself as unorganized the rigid structure of DRs plan may be just what he needs. But, we need to also understand what the OP has tried, first. If he’s already tried DR and it didn’t work, then we can tailor our advice based on that. There are some tried and true things and DR is usually a great place to start.

It’s also worth noting that Ramsey’s plan requires sacrifice and follow through something that if the op (or any of us) were any good at there would be no need for the program at all. It’s just a little frustrating when something is going to be hard and then others come in and say how worthless it is or how it didn’t work for them. (Nothing personal convert99).
It is human nature. Pregnant women get told how horrible others experiences were, cancer patients get told that the treatment won’t work etc. finances are an awful lot like health. So when someone complains of an illness and we recommend a professional to treat it, it is not helpful to criticize that treatment without an alternative suggestion. Especially when that treatment is painful or hard.

 

[zea_maize]

It’s also worth noting that Ramsey’s plan requires sacrifice and follow through something that if the op (or any of us) were any good at there would be no need for the program at all. It’s just a little frustrating when something is going to be hard and then others come in and say how worthless it is or how it didn’t work for them. (Nothing personal convert99).
It is human nature. Pregnant women get told how horrible others experiences were, cancer patients get told that the treatment won’t work etc. finances are an awful lot like health. So when someone complains of an illness and we recommend a professional to treat it, it is not helpful to criticize that treatment without an alternative suggestion. Especially when that treatment is painful or hard.

I agree completely. DR plan IS hard. We got out of debt using it once and are in debt again and using it again. It only works as long as you’re willing to put in the commitment. This is also why I suggested YNAB as a supplement. It’s an amazing budgeting software that makes you accountable to all your spending decisions. We didn’t use that the first time around and it’s going much more smoothly the second time by using them together.

Again, though, I’d love it if the OP could come back and give us a bit more detail - all the suggestions in the world won’t help if we don’t know where to start.

Also, prayer is awesome - use it to pray for the fortitude to do hard things and make behavioral changes that will support the work. Use it to pray to be a good steward of the resources He’s given you. Prayer isn’t going to get you out of debt, but it can give you the foundation to make the hard things easier.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m posting just to try to relieve some stress and because I can’t really talk to anybody. My financial obligations just feel crushing and I don’t know how I will ever get out of this hole.

I have a stay-at-home wife and two young children that rely on me. I cannot afford my house, my property taxes, credit cards, medical debt. I owe several years of taxes. I feel that I never should have gotten married because I am not organized/mature/secure enough that anybody should be relying on me. I was reluctant to get married for this reason, and I was correct in my assessment.

My marriage isn’t exactly the best and my wife blames me for our problems so I can’t exactly confide in her. My family has done so much for me and I do not want to ask for more help. Any words of advice? Any saint to whom you suggest I pray?

I also want to move away from the financial solutions for a second and move on to the marital issues. I’m currious why you seem to be the one controlling the money if you feel you cannot do it. Anytime you cannot " confide" in your wife there is a serious problem that is almost definately not monitary. Are you hiding the extent of your troubles from her? Are you scared to tell her the full extent of your situation? Also there needs to be some personal responsibility here. You decided to Marry, you decided to have children. These were your choices. Babies don’t just appear out of thin air and weddings don’t just happen because you were “tricked” You signed the papers on a house you cannot afford.

We live in a time and place where you can be in debt or flat broke and you will not be put into jails or work camps. Where you will not starve or die homeless. There are family and government programs abound! It is not as destitute as it seems sometimes.

The basic premise of ANY financial plan for escaping debt is simple “money in, money out” math. You pay the bills for survival first. Housing, power, water, etc. then lesser bills. A modest phone perhaps or a real old car, then debts. And with debts they can call and threaten you all they want, you can’t get water from a stone. You pay them off as best you can when you can. You need to look at things like cell phone plans, tv, or tv subscriptions, data plans, entertainment, spending etc. what kind of food you buy and where. What programs you can qualify for. Food stamps, health care etc.

There is an answer and there is a solution.

You cannot add one second to your life by worrying but you are wasting a lot of effort on that worry that could be put to fixing your situation.

I’ve been where you are. It is not fun. It also is not necessary.

St Joseph of course. It probably wouldn’t hurt to view your wife more like Mary either…

 

[Convert_in_99]

I don’t generally like Dave’s rigidness or even some of his philosophy. We are by no means debt free, but I’ll gladly have our debts for all of the experiences we have had or children we have brought forth.
However, I will say that for the financially desperate dave’s is by far the most successful program I have ever heard of. Before we start shooting down the op’s path to security let’s try not to turn this into a gripe session about why daves program didn’t work in other situations. If you have criticisms of DRs plan then by all means point them out. I for one will probably agree. But the math is pretty simple. It will work. Period.

Do you have an alternate suggestion that you can offer when you discount the program?

Because the answer is not " well I guess you will just be poor forever… There is nothing you can do…"

No hard feelings here. I’m just not a Ramsey fan. There are several here who just go on and on about him and it just gets to me. His system is for those better off than us. It doesn’t work if you are already working two jobs, long hours and still struggling to make ends meet, not living it up at all, and have special situations like myself with all my endless medical bills. We play bill roulette often. I’d qualify for disability but my husband is too decent a man and says others are struggling more.

 

[27lw]

Wow - - a lot of things going on. It’s not easy facing all this - - good job trying to get this under control. I’d say the underlying problem is communication / marital problems. Does your lovely bride have any idea of the scope of the problems here? Does she have champagne taste on a beer budget? : )

If you can’t afford your house payment, then there may be major lifestyle changes ahead for your family. You’ve got to get her on board first. She has to know that, unfortunately, the stay-at-home-mom lifestyle is unusual, and expensive (at least in our current times), and it’s a lot of stress on the dad. Does she hang out with other moms who are in a higher financial bracket than yours? That could be part of the problem! : )

In our family, I attempted to stay home full-time, but ended up going back very limited part-time hours because we were running through our savings very quickly! When we bought our house, it was with the understanding that we might be a one-income family, so we bought accordingly. Small, older, modest. Our oldest 2 kids still share a bedroom (and are best of friends!).

The question is, is your wife willing to scale it down to help get the family finances under control? Do you have any trusted friend, pastor, counselor through work, or anybody that can help you with this?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

No hard feelings here. I’m just not a Ramsey fan. There are several here who just go on and on about him and it just gets to me. His system is for those better off than us. It doesn’t work if you are already working two jobs, long hours and still struggling to make ends meet, not living it up at all, and have special situations like myself with all my endless medical bills. We play bill roulette often. I’d qualify for disability but my husband is too decent a man and says others are struggling more.

Don’t want to hijack the thread, or go against my own admonishment but again, I’m no Dave Ramsey follower. And we have medical bills up the yin yang lately with more to come, but if you qualify for something and don’t take it. That seems plumb foolish to me. Putting the word decent in there bothers me. It implies it’s indecent to take help. The standards for help are hard to achieve. Truly those who qualify, qualify.
For me, personally the word would not be decent but prideful. And then my wife would gently ask how much money my pride was costing us.

This happened to us with our second child. She qualified for Medicaid based on her age and diagnosis, not based on our income which was over the limits established. And what a good thing she did! We would have been bankrupt for sure! When she got better and we were able to manage we left the program. Going through the process was damaging to our egos, it was also hard and frustrating dealing with government agencies and hoops.

I urge you to take this option to prayer and to your husband. It could not just help your finances but also your mental state.

Also, in the US is does not work like your husband thinks. If you take help it does not mean that others who need it more do not get it.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Wow - - a lot of things going on. It’s not easy facing all this - - good job trying to get this under control. I’d say the underlying problem is communication / marital problems. Does your lovely bride have any idea of the scope of the problems here? Does she have champagne taste on a beer budget? : )

If you can’t afford your house payment, then there may be major lifestyle changes ahead for your family. You’ve got to get her on board first. She has to know that, unfortunately, the stay-at-home-mom lifestyle is unusual, and expensive (at least in our current times), and it’s a lot of stress on the dad. Does she hang out with other moms who are in a higher financial bracket than yours? That could be part of the problem! : )

In our family, I attempted to stay home full-time, but ended up going back very limited part-time hours because we were running through our savings very quickly! When we bought our house, it was with the understanding that we might be a one-income family, so we bought accordingly. Small, older, modest. Our oldest 2 kids still share a bedroom (and are best of friends!).

The question is, is your wife willing to scale it down to help get the family finances under control? Do you have any trusted friend, pastor, counselor through work, or anybody that can help you with this?

Interesting that you go right to the “woman with spending problems” card several times…

 

[Mamanurse]

Definitely seek counseling with your wife. Like other posters have suggested, look into Dave Ramsey. We are working the baby steps right now. It’s amazing how much money we wasted every month. If Dave Ramsey isn’t your style definitely sit down with your wife and do a written monthly budget. If there is an income problem, is there a way your wife can work while you are home? If you need further encouragement on the DR plan, there is a very active group on Facebook called Dave Ramsey Baby Steppers. (not the one “with compassion”, they don’t always follow the rules) You can even post your budget to get (name removed by moderator)ut from other people on how to cut expenses.

If you don’t already, try having a serious conversation with your wife about the situation and pray together. Pray for guidance and strength to get through this. St Joseph is awesome.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Don’t want to hijack the thread, or go against my own admonishment but again, I’m no Dave Ramsey follower. And we have medical bills up the yin yang lately with more to come, but if you qualify for something and don’t take it. That seems plumb foolish to me. Putting the word decent in there bothers me. It implies it’s indecent to take help. The standards for help are hard to achieve. Truly those who qualify, qualify.
For me, personally the word would not be decent but prideful. And then my wife would gently ask how much money my pride was costing us.

This happened to us with our second child. She qualified for Medicaid based on her age and diagnosis, not based on our income which was over the limits established. And what a good thing she did! We would have been bankrupt for sure! When she got better and we were able to manage we left the program. Going through the process was damaging to our egos, it was also hard and frustrating dealing with government agencies and hoops.

I urge you to take this option to prayer and to your husband. It could not just help your finances but also your mental state.

Yes decent was a bad choice of words. There is nothing wrong with taking help from family or the government if you qualify for it. Please don’t think I think otherwise. I would very much be on government assistance programs if my husband dies first.

Hmm…I don’t know what word to replace it with. He truly thinks he’s taking from others who need it more.

But there is no indecency in receiving needed assistance. Decent was truly a bad choice of words. Sorry!