Struggle with Parents and Wedding Reception

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irishlass3399

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I just got engaged (yay!!), and now we are beginning to plan our wedding. The ceremony will be in the parish my fiancé and I have been going to together, and everyone seems ok with that decision. However, my parents and I are having serious disagreements over where to have the reception.

My fiancé and I really want to have the reception in his parents backyard, and my parents want it to be in theirs. His parents house would be perfect and beautiful, and it would not require any work to host the party. My parents house does not have adequate bathroom facilities, power, or level ground. Its going to probably take thousands of dollars to make it capable of hosting 100 people. However, my parents don’t seem to think that any of that matters. The other people I have talked to about this (sister, best friend, a friends mom) all agree that their house makes a lot more sense and would be significantly easier.

My parents have taken this to be a personal slight. Evidently, they have always assumed that my reception would be at their house, but they never asked me or told me that’s what they wanted. And while I enjoyed growing up in that house, I want my wedding to be different from every party we have ever had, because this is different.

I don’t understand where they are coming from. And I don’t know how to bring they around to our point of view. Does anyone have any insight or advice?
 
Who is paying for this wedding? If your parents are footing the bill then they might get to determine quite a bit. If you are paying for this yourself then you can explain to them that you appreciate their offer to use their home, but you and your fiancé have made other arrangements.
 
My parents have offered to pay for most of the wedding, but we have not set a final budget yet. And his parents want to contribute too, but I’m not sure to what extent right now.
 
Then you should work out a budget first and then determine what is going to be affordable within that budget. Your parents may realize how much it will cost to have the wedding at their house if you show them real numbers.

Have you asked them why they have their heart set on this?

Alternatively, you can have the reception elsewhere so as to be on more neutral territory. I know people think a backyard wedding is going to be less expensive, but in reality they can cost at least as much if not more than a wedding at a catering facility. It is also easier to stay within a budget since you get a “per head” price that includes x,y and z. When you do it yourself you are paying for each thing separately and this can often add up.
 
PhiloMed said:
Alternatively, you can have the reception elsewhere so as to be on more neutral territory. I know people think a backyard wedding is going to be less expensive, but in reality they can cost at least as much if not more than a wedding at a catering facility. It is also easier to stay within a budget since you get a “per head” price that includes x,y and z. When you do it yourself you are paying for each thing separately and this can often add up.
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I agree with this. A hall will already have the seating, tables, dishes, plumbing, etc. and will take a huge weight off of your planning. You don’t realize now how complex the planning will get…I tried to have things as simplified as possible but I still wound up the two days before the wedding barely eating cramming in last minute details.
 
This is your wedding and not theres.

Boundaries need to be set up.

Be clear and concise and to the point. It’s far more practical to have the wedding at your future in-laws house. End of story. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but I’m not sure why they are as this decision has nothing to do with you as parents. It’s just far more practical and cost-effective.

I understand that parents who foot the bill may have a some say in what they are paying for but it shouldn’t interfere with what the bride and grooms wants and needs. It’s not their wedding! Paying for it is a gift and should not be looked at as a plan to do things their way.

My MIL tried to step in with a few ideas and thoughts and I turned them all down immediately. They weren’t practical and we couldn’t afford them. I wasn’t going to walk on eggshells around anyone to make everybody happy. You know what? Our relationship never suffered and we moved on.

If it’s not your vision to have the reception in your parent’s backyard/house…then don’t do it. You know why and you shouldn’t compromise on something that is completely reasonable.

The reception has got to be help somewhere. You can’t make them happy by splitting the reception. Someone’s feelings might have to be hurt….either yours or theres. It’s your wedding, so I don’t understand why you should be the one to compromise on anything you deem reasonable and attainable.
 
NSFrame said:
I agree with this. A hall will already have the seating, tables, dishes, plumbing, etc. and will take a huge weight off of your planning. You don’t realize now how complex the planning will get…I tried to have things as simplified as possible but I still wound up the two days before the wedding barely eating cramming in last minute details.
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The other two posters have nailed it.

While I don’t necessarily think you should compromise by putting everyone in neutral territory…you might want to consider a hall or a restaurant.

We did our reception at a nice restaurant that did functions. It was WAY cheaper then reworking a backyard to hold a massive party with catering, setting up tables, decorations, the DJ and other things you’ll need. Plus…YOU"LL be the one setting everything up…unless you pay for someone else to do it.

The restaurant we did it at took care of everything. The set up, the decorations, the tables, the food and they took the cake and cut it up for us and served it. We didn’t have to worry about anything except showing up on time.

We were charged for the food and the rental fee for the function room. Less money, less stress.
 
Just tell them that you’ve decided to have it at your inlaws. Make sure your mom feels included in some other part of the wedding. (picking out the dress, for instance)
 
Two of my sons were married in the past year and I can say that the reception for the one’s wedding has left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, because the bride and groom really thought only of what they wanted.

And boy, did they WANT! A fancy reception at a country club that cost as much as our first home! When they asked us to pick up the $12,000 bar tab, we declined, and that led to even more bruhaha.

Traditionally, the bride’s parents host the reception (and pay for it). If you are an older bride of your own means, surely, go ahead and and have whatever you want, wherever you want. Just remember, that all your words can’t be unsaid, even twenty years later, and hurt feelings will remain hurt. So many brides get this fantasy of “my wedding will be blissful and wonderful and EVERYONE WILL THINK IT IS THE BEST WEDDING, EVER.” Starting out married life stamping your foot over a wedding reception will not lead to years of wedded bliss.

Of course, your parents feel insulted! You want something BETTER than anything they have provided for you in the past. What are you going to say when they buy your baby’s layette at Sears instead of Bonwit Teller? I’m thinking that HIS parents’ home shouldn’t even have been offered until more budget planning was underway. Now, no matter what, everyone will feel bad and uncomfortable.

I think the suggestion of “neutral ground” is a very good one.
 
I agree with what has been said about establishing boundaries and the suggestion of moving the reception to neutral territory seems like it is well worth considering.

Another option, though, could be to have the rehearsal dinner at your parents’ house (as it will be a smaller crowd). I just toss that suggestion out there as a potential compromise.
 
irishlass3399 said:
I just got engaged (yay!!), and now we are beginning to plan our wedding. The ceremony will be in the parish my fiancé and I have been going to together, and everyone seems ok with that decision. However, my parents and I are having serious disagreements over where to have the reception.

My fiancé and I really want to have the reception in his parents backyard, and my parents want it to be in theirs. His parents house would be perfect and beautiful, and it would not require any work to host the party. My parents house does not have adequate bathroom facilities, power, or level ground. Its going to probably take thousands of dollars to make it capable of hosting 100 people. However, my parents don’t seem to think that any of that matters. The other people I have talked to about this (sister, best friend, a friends mom) all agree that their house makes a lot more sense and would be significantly easier.

My parents have taken this to be a personal slight. Evidently, they have always assumed that my reception would be at their house, but they never asked me or told me that’s what they wanted. And while I enjoyed growing up in that house, I want my wedding to be different from every party we have ever had, because this is different.

I don’t understand where they are coming from. And I don’t know how to bring they around to our point of view. Does anyone have any insight or advice?
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This is your wedding and it is too bad that parents have to be so petty about something that really matters very little. I think it is your decision and it is your day not theirs. You know every parent sort of plans out their children’s future in their mind as they are growing up, but if they are mature they know it doesn’t always pan out. I’ve had times when my children at different times have moved to other cities and that has really made me sad and if I had my way I would have chained them up, but you have realize that it is their life and they are free to make their own decisions. I think you should do what works best for you and hope that they come on board, If they don’t and stay away they are the losers. God bless you and your marriage.:signofcross:
 
irishlass3399 said:
I just got engaged (yay!!), and now we are beginning to plan our wedding. The ceremony will be in the parish my fiancé and I have been going to together, and everyone seems ok with that decision. However, my parents and I are having serious disagreements over where to have the reception.

My fiancé and I really want to have the reception in his parents backyard, and my parents want it to be in theirs. His parents house would be perfect and beautiful, and it would not require any work to host the party. My parents house does not have adequate bathroom facilities, power, or level ground. Its going to probably take thousands of dollars to make it capable of hosting 100 people. However, my parents don’t seem to think that any of that matters. The other people I have talked to about this (sister, best friend, a friends mom) all agree that their house makes a lot more sense and would be significantly easier.

My parents have taken this to be a personal slight. Evidently, they have always assumed that my reception would be at their house, but they never asked me or told me that’s what they wanted. And while I enjoyed growing up in that house, I want my wedding to be different from every party we have ever had, because this is different.

I don’t understand where they are coming from. And I don’t know how to bring they around to our point of view. Does anyone have any insight or advice?
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Why have a reception at all? Have the wedding and then go on your honeymoon. After all marriage is not about the reception. It is about the union of a couple in the eyes of God, and that has been taken care of via the Wedding Mass.

I think people spend way to much money on weddings in the first place, and I find no exception with the cost of a reception. Just tell everyone you decided to do this to avoid any arguments or hard feelings, and stick to your guns.
 
Traditionally, the groom’s parents host the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s parents host the reception. I think it is odd and intrusive that the groom’s parents have offered their home for the reception- and certainly breaks with etiquette. It also intimates that they feel their home and yard are superior to your family home. I think it is sad that you agree. It is YOUR wedding, but the relationship with your parents and your in-laws will last until death- so you need to consider everyone’s feelings and, yes, proper etiquette. Everyone knows the traditional hosts for each event, and to veer from that will, at the very least, look strange. My advice is to have the reception at a nice event venue- and no backyard at all. Seriously, it could rain, be hot, be buggy and nasty, be cold- the problems are endless. A more neutral location will be a lot more fun- with professional food, a dance floor, chairs and tables- much classier and certainly less offensive to your guests and your parents. Just my 2 cents worth.
 
Cricket2 said:
Why have a reception at all?
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Because it’s fun? Because guests may have traveled from far away to be with the couple, and this is their way of thanking them and celebrating with them?
Have the wedding and then go on your honeymoon. After all marriage is not about the reception. It is about the union of a couple in the eyes of God, and that has been taken care of via the Wedding Mass.
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Well if we’re headed down this path already, then why bother having the honeymoon? The wedding is not about the honeymoon, after all.
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Cricket2:
I think people spend way to much money on weddings in the first place, and I find no exception with the cost of a reception.
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It’s in a backyard, for Pete’s sake.
 
I agree with a previous post; ask your parents to host the rehearsal dinner at their house. smaller crowd and much more manageable. (are you sure this reception is not your parents excuse to finally accomplish some much needed “to do’s” on their list of home updating); also, you better learn now to set your parents straight, as you are an adult making a very grown up decision or else they will be in your business regarding all other aspects in your marriage. guilt is not cool. but tell them you Love them for offering.
 
I would love for people responding to this thread to post their ages. I think the younger folk are saying “Do what you want. It’s your wedding.” Just an impression.

How about having a small tea with cake in the church cafeteria/gathering space? then no one is on the hook to remodel their home and costs are certainly kept under control. You are under zero obligation to offer anyone a full sit down meal, or even a sandwich! A couple hours, and off on your honeymoon.

My one son’s honeymoon consisted of flying from Milwaukee to Oklahoma City, where he reported to his base the next afternoon. Neither he nor his bride minded - they were married and together and very happy.

To our bride-to-be, I would like to suggest a book for you to read: Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. She lists what’s right and wrong according to modern etiquette standards - and it may help you to smooth out some ruffled feathers. it’s available in our library
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Because it’s fun? Because guests may have traveled from far away to be with the couple, and this is their way of thanking them and celebrating with them?

**Yeah. If I’d travelled from out of town and bought a nice gift from the registry, I’d be ticked off if the bride and groom didn’t have so much as a cupcake and a cup of punch for me.

Hospitality is a biblical virtue.

catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=6981**

Also, the wedding at Cana was a wedding reception.

Well if we’re headed down this path already, then why bother having the honeymoon? The wedding is not about the honeymoon, after all.

It’s in a backyard, for Pete’s sake.
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Yeah.
 
luvbp681 said:
I agree with a previous post; ask your parents to host the rehearsal dinner at their house. smaller crowd and much more manageable. (are you sure this reception is not your parents excuse to finally accomplish some much needed “to do’s” on their list of home updating); also, you better learn now to set your parents straight, as you are an adult making a very grown up decision or else they will be in your business regarding all other aspects in your marriage. guilt is not cool. but tell them you Love them for offering.
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That’s very insightful about this event as an excuse for home updating. People really do think like that.

You might be upsetting your mom’s well-laid schemes to get your dad to finally do something about the backyard, which may be why she’s upset.
 
fencersmother said:
I would love for people responding to this thread to post their ages. I think the younger folk are saying “Do what you want. It’s your wedding.” Just an impression.
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I don’t know how young “early thirties” makes me, but I don’t agree with the idea in this thread that it doesn’t matter what the parents think. Yes, it is their wedding, but unless they are paying themselves they have to involve others in the decision making.

I’m generally of the opinion that if you accept money from people, you accept the strings that come along with that money. If you want to have everything exactly as you want, pay for it yourself. Regardless of whether or not the parents are being unreasonable (they well may be), the couple does not have to accept their money if they don’t like the conditions that go along with it.

I do think that having the reception at a more neutral place might be the best solution in this situation. It might actually be much less expensive and less stressful. If the parents are paying for most of the wedding, they do deserve to weigh in. “We’re adults and have decided to hold the reception at fiancé’s house” doesn’t work unless they are adults who can pay for what they want themselves.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I don’t know how young “early thirties” makes me, but I don’t agree with the idea in this thread that it doesn’t matter what the parents think. Yes, it is their wedding, but unless they are paying themselves they have to involve others in the decision making.

I’m generally of the opinion that if you accept money from people, you accept the strings that come along with that money. If you want to have everything exactly as you want, pay for it yourself. Regardless of whether or not the parents are being unreasonable (they well may be), the couple does not have to accept their money if they don’t like the conditions that go along with it.

I do think that having the reception at a more neutral place might be the best solution in this situation. It might actually be much less expensive and less stressful. If the parents are paying for most of the wedding, they do deserve to weigh in. “We’re adults and have decided to hold the reception at fiancé’s house” doesn’t work unless they are adults who can pay for what they want themselves.
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Yes.
 
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