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maryjk
Guest
Wow. So true. And so many brides seem to forget this.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
(Bolding Mine)
I agree with much of what you said, particularly about weddings being family events and not pageants for the bride.
However, it sounds like you handed over a lot of control to your mother. And I NEVER advocate a married or engaged person going with their parents’ preference over their spouse’s or soon-to-be spouse’s.
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irishlass3399
Guest
OP here! Thank you for all of your responses and feedback! Just for a bit of clarification, I was not trying to say that I found my parents’ house inadequate or that I was looking down on them in anyway. Another thing I hadn’t brought up before, is that my dad is also very secretive about money, and so there is no guarantee that he will genuinely pay what he says he will, which mean my mom would get stuck paying for it, and I know that she doesn’t have the money. So that adds an extra layer of stress to the whole ordeal. (They are married, but I have never understood how they keep everything so separate.)
And another reason all of this was such a surprise! I was engaged once before, several years ago (long story), and my parents never once said that they wanted the reception at their house. We looked at venues then and everything, so I didn’t think that location mattered very much.
However, I spoke with my MIL-to-be about how my parents were feeling, and she agrees with most of you that it should be at my parents house. So we will see what happens! And that you for the book suggestion! I will find it and read it.
And another reason all of this was such a surprise! I was engaged once before, several years ago (long story), and my parents never once said that they wanted the reception at their house. We looked at venues then and everything, so I didn’t think that location mattered very much.
However, I spoke with my MIL-to-be about how my parents were feeling, and she agrees with most of you that it should be at my parents house. So we will see what happens! And that you for the book suggestion! I will find it and read it.
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VeritasLuxMea
Guest
I’m surprised about most of the answers thus far.
maryjk:
- To characterize the bride as whining, stomping her feet, etc. is strange, for if she had no concern about her family she wouldn’t have posted here in the first place.
- The bride has what she believes to be legitimate reasons why a party in said house is not feasible. She gave them. Read them.
- If the bride is portrayed as selfish for her desires, why isn’t the mother considered selfish as well? The bride has to be cognizant of the wishes of her mother, but the mother doesn’t need to care about the wishes of the bride? Huh? Would you throw someone a birthday party and then refuse them the right to pick the cake?
- You talk about how important it is to let the mother of the bride “have her day,” (i.e., at the mother’s house) but in the same breath, many of you suggest moving the event to a neutral location.
It’s about God, the couple, the family, the Church community and the community at large. In that order, IMO. Frankly, I think it’s wrong for anyone in the family (mother of the bride included) to insist on taking control of the wedding. A gift is a gift; they should either pay their part for the wedding with few/no strings attached, or do not pay at all.
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oneofmany
Guest
100 people? Whose house can accommodate such a crowd?
Why not have it at the parish hall? Our parish lets marrying couples use the gym for no cost plus they already have decorations to use. All you need to do is decorate and set it up the way you want.
That way both families can work on things together and no one feels left out unless there is a control freak who wants to straw boss on how to set things up. You will need to set the tone and give directions.
I have never liked outdoor things at weddings. Too hot, too cold, too uncomfortable, too windy, etc, etc.
Why not have it at the parish hall? Our parish lets marrying couples use the gym for no cost plus they already have decorations to use. All you need to do is decorate and set it up the way you want.
That way both families can work on things together and no one feels left out unless there is a control freak who wants to straw boss on how to set things up. You will need to set the tone and give directions.
I have never liked outdoor things at weddings. Too hot, too cold, too uncomfortable, too windy, etc, etc.
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Xantippe
Guest
That makes a difference. If your dad is so stingy and secretive, your mom may have been plotting the yard work for some time to get him to open his coffers.
If I were you, I’d just go and plan everything according to my own resources and then present the plan to parents (with an itemized list and a guest number).
In your family situation, I would not spend a dime on the assumption that it was going to be reimbursed later and I’d make sure that any money from mom is what she’s actually got, not borrowing. That way lies debt and hard feelings, either for you or for her. Maybe do a lunch with mom to get her to explain what she can safely contribute and to express some concerns about dad’s contribution?
I was recently reading Dave Ramsey and his daughter’s “Smart Money, Smart Kids,” and his and his wife’s approach was to just hand the engaged couple a check early on, made out to the amount that they were willing to spend, and then the couple was 100% in charge of the money. The daughter did run into a budget crunch over folding chairs and had to go back to mom and dad for a little more after slashing the flower budget, but all in all, it’s a pretty clean approach and gives the most predictability to both the young couple and the parents. Of course, if the reception is at your parents’ house, that’s a little different (because presumably mom would be taking care of those expenses directly), but it might be less stressful to do it elsewhere if there’s no clarity as to what dad is planning to contribute. It would be awful if mom went overboard on the home reception stuff and got herself into trouble, which she could very easily do.
If I were you, I might even do a lunch with dad and give him the Dave Ramsey book, pointing him to the wedding chapter. A lot of stingy guys idolize Dave Ramsey (even if their thing really isn’t his thing), so that might have some effect on your dad.
Good luck! Be careful!
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Kay_Cee
Guest
I agree with this. You might approach your parents and future in-laws by saying you’re worried about bad weather. What if it rains? My husband and I had our reception in the Church hall. It was air-conditioned, and it was only a short walk down the street from the Church, which made it conventient not just for us but for everybody attending.
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NSFrame
Guest
My parents paid for the wedding, so I wanted to show respect and gratitude by working with my mother as a team. I knew it was something she was excited about since it’s likely to be her only “real” mother-of-the-bride wedding (my one sister has had two very small shotgun weddings, other sibling is a brother). The stuff DH wanted would have cut down our guest list down way more than I was comfortable with - again, to me this is a family event, and I have a large family - his is small so he doesn’t “get it”. Ex. he loved a place that was $150 a person. That would cut our guest list down to like 50 or bankrupted my parents. The country club Mom and I picked was more like $40, plus we only paid consumption on the bar bill.(Bolding Mine)
I agree with much of what you said, particularly about weddings being family events and not pageants for the bride.
However, it sounds like you handed over a lot of control to your mother. And I NEVER advocate a married or engaged person going with their parents’ preference over their spouse’s or soon-to-be spouse’s.
I also kind of feel like the groom has a few important details to take care of, but overall he should let the bride have what she’d like. Most guys don’t know squat about weddings - I don’t think they pay attention to anything but the food and the length of the service when they attend one. Brides on the other hand have usually been making plans for it for decades. I mean if the bride isn’t like that and wants the groom’s (name removed by moderator)ut on everything, fine, but if she does have definite ideas, and especially if her parents are paying, then I think he should bow to them.
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fencersmother
Guest
We have always told all our children: “If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it.” The son w/ the country club reception did ask us to pay the bar bill (we declined), but we did have a rehearsal dinner for 40 people at a nice restaurant (everyone was from out of town). Another of my sons who was married this past July had a lovely wedding for which he and his bride paid the entire bill. They are 24 and 23, just bought a house, and are very careful with their money. It was gorgeous. We contributed $500 to the flowers since the bride was going to opt for none. They had 100 guests are the Officers Club for a nice sit down meal. No pro photographer, but a friend took nice pictures. All in all, they were out $3500 (including 14K wedding bands). The bride wore her mother’s gown, which HAD SLEEVES!!!
It was the nicest wedding & reception I have been to in 25 years.
It was the nicest wedding & reception I have been to in 25 years.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
You know, the groom is more important than the mother of the bride. And ideally, it will be his only wedding too. It doesn’t matter if the bride wants the grooms (name removed by moderator)ut or not, it is his wedding too, and he gets (name removed by moderator)ut. Far more than his MIL. Quite frankly, that whole situation sounds very demoralizing for your husband.
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Xantippe
Guest
I think all of this is an argument for limiting the number of people paying and with their fingers in the pie or just going with the traditional divisions (groom pays for rings, tux, honeymoon, groom’s family pays for rehearsal dinner, bride’s family pays for the rest).
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NSFrame
Guest
Of course he is more important in the wedding itself. He’s the one standing on the altar with me, he and I are the ones having picture after picture taken, we are cutting the cake together, etc. The mothers get to be part of the procession and receiving line and maybe have a special dance - that’s it.
But for the wedding planning, if the bride’s parents are paying, then no, I don’t think the groom has an equal vote. That’s my frank opinion. You’re not married yet, this is the parents’ chance to do one last big thing for their daughter, don’t take that away from the bride’s family.
We did all the pre-cana and Mass planning together as a couple - the actual sacramental part.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
Wow! So because your parents offered money for a wedding they essentially got to “buy out” your fiance’s say? Quite frankly, if I had been your fiance and I was told that my soon to be in-laws got more say over my wedding than I did, I would decline their offer to pay for the wedding and have something small and simple that we could afford as a couple. Money should NEVER be allowed to push a spouse, or soon-to-be-spouse out of their rightful position in their marriage or impending marriage.You said it yourself, it is not a pageant for the bride, it is about two people joining their lives forever and the family joy that surrounds it. But now you’re saying that it is something that the bride’s family does for her. No, that is not the case. Either they are giving the wedding to the couple, or they shouldn’t give it at all. This should in no way be construed to mean that the person paying doesn’t get a say-they most definitely do. But the bride should work with the groom-not with her mother, to determine what they as a couple want and then they can negotiate as a team with the parents. Sorry, but the bride’s mom is not more important than the groom. Nor is the bride’s family more important than the groom’s. You don’t think that they are just as invested in and excited about their son’s marriage as the bride’s parents are about their daughter getting married?
The bride should never be on the side of her parents against her fiance. Sure, she can argue with him, and she can push for what her parents want, but these need to be private discussions between the couple, and they need to figure out how to compromise together. Then they can negotiate with parents. Never should a groom (or bride, if that’s the situation) be told “Sorry, but my parents’ opinion is far more important to me than yours when it comes to our wedding”. You make it sound like this whole celebration is for the bride and her mother!
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Blessedwithfive
Guest
Calm it down…I think you are over reacting to the entire post. You may have an opinion, but it is just that, an opinion…
You said it yourself, it is not a pageant for the bride, it is about two people joining their lives forever and the family joy that surrounds it. But now you’re saying that it is something that the bride’s family does for her. No, that is not the case. Either they are giving the wedding to the couple, or they shouldn’t give it at all. This should in no way be construed to mean that the person paying doesn’t get a say-they most definitely do. But the bride should work with the groom-not with her mother, to determine what they as a couple want and then they can negotiate as a team with the parents. Sorry, but the bride’s mom is not more important than the groom. Nor is the bride’s family more important than the groom’s. You don’t think that they are just as invested in and excited about their son’s marriage as the bride’s parents are about their daughter getting married?
The bride should never be on the side of her parents against her fiance. Sure, she can argue with him, and she can push for what her parents want, but these need to be private discussions between the couple, and they need to figure out how to compromise together. Then they can negotiate with parents. Never should a groom (or bride, if that’s the situation) be told “Sorry, but my parents’ opinion is far more important to me than yours when it comes to our wedding”. You make it sound like this whole celebration is for the bride and her mother!
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fencersmother
Guest
This reminds me of an old joke: How do you tell the groom at a wedding? He’s the one marrying the bride!
From my standpoint, I would be happier if we went back to just immediate families at weddings, maybe the bride has a nice dress (or even a gown), the groom wears a suit, and everyone else wears dressy dresses, and all go out for cake and coffee afterward, to the bride’s home or restaurant.
The bridal-industrial complex seems to have all these young couples convinced their weddings and receptions must rival the royals of Europe.
From my standpoint, I would be happier if we went back to just immediate families at weddings, maybe the bride has a nice dress (or even a gown), the groom wears a suit, and everyone else wears dressy dresses, and all go out for cake and coffee afterward, to the bride’s home or restaurant.
The bridal-industrial complex seems to have all these young couples convinced their weddings and receptions must rival the royals of Europe.
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Irishmom2
Guest
I agree with thus. Traditionally, the brides family paid for the wedding. If I were your parents, I would feel hurt also that you would consider the grooms home. Even if you were paying for the wedding, it would still be a nice gesture to include your parents in the discussion, not throw it at them after the fact.
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Irishmom2
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oneofmany
Guest
I have never been to a reception in a house when the guest list was 100. How would people park their cars? With that many people you need a parking lot. A church or reception hall is needed that has a parking lot.
Both parents would understand that.
Both parents would understand that.
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pensmama87
Guest
My husband is descended from Italian immigrants. When his grandmother got married, on the morning of the wedding, there was a breakfast for “close friends and family” - about 100 people - at her parents’ home, a little shack that had raised 8 children. After the wedding later that morning, there was then an all-day reception for well over 300 people.
To be sure, many of the guests lived within walking distance, and the family cooked all of the food and baked the cake. They were not wealthy folks. But this was the way every wedding was in their family.
I wish we still did weddings like that.
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Irishmom2
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Wouldn’t that be great? And you know that food was better than any catered event too!My husband is descended from Italian immigrants. When his grandmother got married, on the morning of the wedding, there was a breakfast for “close friends and family” - about 100 people - at her parents’ home, a little shack that had raised 8 children. After the wedding later that morning, there was then an all-day reception for well over 300 people.
To be sure, many of the guests lived within walking distance, and the family cooked all of the food and baked the cake. They were not wealthy folks. But this was the way every wedding was in their family.
I wish we still did weddings like that.
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