Struggle with Parents and Wedding Reception

[Allegra]

I have never been to a reception in a house when the guest list was 100. How would people park their cars? With that many people you need a parking lot. A church or reception hall is needed that has a parking lot.

Both parents would understand that.

Many people in rural areas have fields, pastures, or large yards where people can park cars. The last home wedding I attended was held in the couple’s brand new “shed”. (Which to city folks might better be described as a small aircraft hanger.) It was fall, and we parked in a pasture.

 

[pensmama87]

Wouldn’t that be great? And you know that food was better than any catered event too!

I was fortunate enough to have several of my husband’s great aunts make cookies for our wedding (Pennsylvania tradition - there is a “cookie table” along with cake for dessert.)

(It seems like a running joke how poor wedding food is for what you pay for it. Let the little old Italian ladies cater your wedding - cheaper and SO. GOOD.)

 

[masondoggy]

I was fortunate enough to have several of my husband’s great aunts make cookies for our wedding (Pennsylvania tradition - there is a “cookie table” along with cake for dessert.)

(It seems like a running joke how poor wedding food is for what you pay for it. Let the little old Italian ladies cater your wedding - cheaper and SO. GOOD.)

I did have an old Italian lady cater my wedding. The food was cheap and awesome. Almost 18 years later, I still have people comment about the food at my wedding. It was nothing fancy. Just standard fried chicken, pasta, italian bread, salad, etc. But it was GOOD food. And nobody left hungry.

ETA and I think we did have the cookie table. I guess that’s my family’s strong Pennsylvania background, lol

 

[fencersmother]

I think my husband and I were the only people in Pennsylvania who did NOT have a cookie table! And people were* offended*! Well, my parents were from the midwest, and his were from Europe and I’d never even heard of a cookie table till then.

 

[Irishmom2]

We never heard of the cookie table until my daughter went to school in Pittsburgh! We think it us a great idea and are already planning what cookies we will make and who else would be willing to participate! She just needs her boyfriend to get the ring first, lol!

 

[Cricket2]

Because it’s fun? Because guests may have traveled from far away to be with the couple, and this is their way of thanking them and celebrating with them?

Well if we’re headed down this path already, then why bother having the honeymoon? The wedding is not about the honeymoon, after all.

It’s in a backyard, for Pete’s sake.

I will stick to my “guns.” People spend too much money on weddings, dresses and receptions. I have seen so many spend thousands of dollars and start life in dept. Really? I have witnessed a few actually have the good sense to save money, not go on a honeymoon or have a reception and put a down payment on a house instead. Seems smarter.

I know, I know, everyone seems to love the party aspect and a good celebration. I have to admit I was, even as a child, not impressed by parties. So I am biased. Had I married I would have been one to put down a payment on a house and skip the fanfare. It is just me.

But in these economic times, and when folks are getting fussy about who is doing what, I still say go for no reception. Wait 5 years and then celebrate the fact you made it that far. Maybe that would be a better focus.

 

[Irishmom2]

From what I see on Pinterest, there are a lot of people opting for creative, inexpensive wedding receptions these days. I think it is a hopeful trend, that people are embracing the fact that it is not necessary that everyone have a big shindig.

Did I just date myself?

 

[Xantippe]

But in these economic times, and when folks are getting fussy about who is doing what, I still say go for no reception. Wait 5 years and then celebrate the fact you made it that far. Maybe that would be a better focus.

I had initially hoped to have a big hometown wedding and invite every great aunt and second cousin within driving distance, but circumstances did not allow, so we got married where we were living in a sort of “Catholic elopment” with a homemade lunch for a few guests. I kind of planned to do an anniversary reception later in my home town (as Judith Martin and you suggest) at some point later on, but it never happened. No harm in that, but I’m afraid it is true that if you don’t do the big reception right off, it may not ever happen. Stuff happens.

 

[dixieagle]

Why have a reception at all? Have the wedding and then go on your honeymoon. After all marriage is not about the reception. It is about the union of a couple in the eyes of God, and that has been taken care of via the Wedding Mass.

I think people spend way to much money on weddings in the first place, and I find no exception with the cost of a reception. Just tell everyone you decided to do this to avoid any arguments or hard feelings, and stick to your guns.

Inviting people to your wedding and then not having a reception is frankly, selfish; it denies people the opportunity to celebrate with you. Family and friends often travel a distance to attend (not to mention the gifts they likely give) and to provide not even a simple reception (cake, punch, finger food) is inhospitable, to say the least.

 

[dixieagle]

I don’t know how young “early thirties” makes me, but I don’t agree with the idea in this thread that it doesn’t matter what the parents think. Yes, it is their wedding, but unless they are paying themselves they have to involve others in the decision making.

I’m generally of the opinion that if you accept money from people, you accept the strings that come along with that money. If you want to have everything exactly as you want, pay for it yourself. Regardless of whether or not the parents are being unreasonable (they well may be), the couple does not have to accept their money if they don’t like the conditions that go along with it.

I do think that having the reception at a more neutral place might be the best solution in this situation. It might actually be much less expensive and less stressful. If the parents are paying for most of the wedding, they do deserve to weigh in. “We’re adults and have decided to hold the reception at fiancé’s house” doesn’t work unless they are adults who can pay for what they want themselves.

I think we have a winner!

 

[dixieagle]

I will stick to my “guns.” People spend too much money on weddings, dresses and receptions. I have seen so many spend thousands of dollars and start life in dept. Really? I have witnessed a few actually have the good sense to save money, not go on a honeymoon or have a reception and put a down payment on a house instead. Seems smarter.

I know, I know, everyone seems to love the party aspect and a good celebration. I have to admit I was, even as a child, not impressed by parties. So I am biased. Had I married I would have been one to put down a payment on a house and skip the fanfare. It is just me.

But in these economic times, and when folks are getting fussy about who is doing what, I still say go for no reception. Wait 5 years and then celebrate the fact you made it that far. Maybe that would be a better focus.

You seem to miss the point about simple hospitality. Nothing has to be expensive or fancy.

 

[Kelfa28]

I will stick to my “guns.” People spend too much money on weddings, dresses and receptions. I have seen so many spend thousands of dollars and start life in dept. Really? I have witnessed a few actually have the good sense to save money, not go on a honeymoon or have a reception and put a down payment on a house instead. Seems smarter.

I know, I know, everyone seems to love the party aspect and a good celebration. I have to admit I was, even as a child, not impressed by parties. So I am biased. Had I married I would have been one to put down a payment on a house and skip the fanfare. It is just me.

But in these economic times, and when folks are getting fussy about who is doing what, I still say go for no reception. Wait 5 years and then celebrate the fact you made it that far. Maybe that would be a better focus.

The thing is…you can easily have a decent reception and not pay a lot of money at all.

Hubby and I had a Saturday wedding during the height of the season and we only paid a few grand. All for the function room at a nice restaurant, their food (which was really good), the cake, the DJ and decorations (only white linen cloths for the tables because the function room was beautifully decorated with an outdoor deck with a spectacular ocean view), the Church, my wedding dress and his tux and everything in between.
I think we paid less then $4,000 grand for absolutely everything.
Hardly breaking the bank. No one went into debt.
I saved money where ever I could. We paid standard fare for the Church (nothing extra for decorations). The rehearsal dinner was pizza and beer at a fun restaurant. We only had a couple of people in our wedding party. Flowers were done at a local grocery store. The DJ was a really close friend of my husband.
Plus, our family pitched in where ever they could. My parents got the cake and put the down payment in for the function room. My MIL helped out with the invitations. My sister did my and my bridesmaid’s hair.

We moved into our house the following week and had enough left over to buy new furniture.

The point is that when you host a wedding but choose not to do a reception you’d be doing such a disservice to family members who want to celebrate the occasion. I would get it if the couple got married in the Church, on their own, with one witness but don’t invite anyone else if you don’t want to host a party after you get married. I had a lot of people travel to my wedding…my aunt and great aunt drove a couple of thousand miles to be see me get married. I couldn’t imagine forgoing a reception after all my family traveled to see me get married. Same for my husband.

The other point is that people spend WAY too much money on these insane parties that do put them into debt or, even worse, put their parents into debt. That is true but that is their choice to get wrapped into it if they want.

I’ve been to several of these massively expensive weddings and they are fun…but you just don’t need to break the bank to have a party. You also don’t have to go in the opposite direction and forgo any party for your guests because it might cost too much.

I also didn’t spend all of my time planning this thing. The truth is…my wedding was always on the back burner. We were working, in school, in RCIA, buying a house and doing all of the marriage prep before I even thought about the wedding.
I think we secured my dress, the flowers, the cake, the DJ and the food only a couple of weeks before the wedding actually occurred.

 

[UbiCaritas]

The thing is…you can easily have a decent reception and not pay a lot of money at all.

Hubby and I had a Saturday wedding during the height of the season and we only paid a few grand. All for the function room at a nice restaurant, their food (which was really good), the cake, the DJ and decorations (only white linen cloths for the tables because the function room was beautifully decorated with an outdoor deck with a spectacular ocean view), the Church, my wedding dress and his tux and everything in between.
I think we paid less then $4,000 grand for absolutely everything.
Hardly breaking the bank. No one went into debt.
I saved money where ever I could. We paid standard fare for the Church (nothing extra for decorations). The rehearsal dinner was pizza and beer at a fun restaurant. We only had a couple of people in our wedding party. Flowers were done at a local grocery store. The DJ was a really close friend of my husband.
Plus, our family pitched in where ever they could. My parents got the cake and put the down payment in for the function room. My MIL helped out with the invitations. My sister did my and my bridesmaid’s hair.

We moved into our house the following week and had enough left over to buy new furniture.

The point is that when you host a wedding but choose not to do a reception you’d be doing such a disservice to family members who want to celebrate the occasion. I would get it if the couple got married in the Church, on their own, with one witness but don’t invite anyone else if you don’t want to host a party after you get married. I had a lot of people travel to my wedding…my aunt and great aunt drove a couple of thousand miles to be see me get married. I couldn’t imagine forgoing a reception after all my family traveled to see me get married. Same for my husband.

The other point is that people spend WAY too much money on these insane parties that do put them into debt or, even worse, put their parents into debt. That is true but that is their choice to get wrapped into it if they want.

I’ve been to several of these massively expensive weddings and they are fun…but you just don’t need to break the bank to have a party. You also don’t have to go in the opposite direction and forgo any party for your guests because it might cost too much.

I also didn’t spend all of my time planning this thing. The truth is…my wedding was always on the back burner. We were working, in school, in RCIA, buying a house and doing all of the marriage prep before I even thought about the wedding.
I think we secured my dress, the flowers, the cake, the DJ and the food only a couple of weeks before the wedding actually occurred.

Precisely. I did my own hair, flowers, decorations, made my own cake, ordered my dress from a seamstress in Hong Kong rather than buying an expensive one here, used an MP3 player rather than a DJ (we had a microphone so a friend could announce the dances and our priest could say grace before the meals) and so on. We spent about $3000 on the reception, and spent less than $4000 total on the wedding overall including the reception. No debt at all, and everyone had a lovely time. One does not have to go into debt to plan a nice party for one’s friends and family!

 

[Xantippe]

Precisely. I did my own hair, flowers, decorations, made my own cake, ordered my dress from a seamstress in Hong Kong rather than buying an expensive one here, used an MP3 player rather than a DJ (we had a microphone so a friend could announce the dances and our priest could say grace before the meals) and so on. We spent about $3000 on the reception, and spent less than $4000 total on the wedding overall including the reception. No debt at all, and everyone had a lovely time. One does not have to go into debt to plan a nice party for one’s friends and family!

Thinking about it as a “nice party for one’s friends and family” rather than “WEDDING!!!” should help a lot with figuring out an appropriate spending level.

Judith Martin (Miss Manners) says somewhere that a wedding should be similar to the level of expenditure that the family does in their normal entertaining. It shouldn’t be on a completely different level. If the family can afford BBQ for friends and family, they can do a backyard BBQ. If they can afford beer and pizza, they can do beer and pizza. And if they can afford champagne and caviar in their normal lives, they can have champagne and caviar.

 

[CarolNoel]

I have been to quite a few wedding receptions in my lifetime. Many of them were in backyards. They all were a pain in the neck to attend. Hot, cold, wind, rain. mud, neighbors complaining about noise, finding a place to park the car, and then trying to get out to go home, lack of bathrooms, guys with the seats left up, ladies homesteading instead of in and out, uncomfortable chairs, bugs getting into the food.

Last wedding that had the reception outdoors, I finally did not attend.

 

[ndsolt]

DH and I had our reception outdoors at our place on the river. We did a fish fry for about 40ish people. We didn’t do a rehearsal dinner, didn’t see the point. We paid about $1700 for ours. My parents paid for my dress. We paid for the rest.

 

[fencersmother]

So, for the old time marrieds (and new-time marrieds), would you still do the same wedding/reception?

While I had a lovely time at our small luncheon, looking back, I would still have gotten married in the church but invited no one but immediate family (and that’s a maybe), and just been done with all the celebrating after a luncheon. (oh. That’s what we had) I am often of the mindset that brides/grooms think others are far more interested in their weddings than they really are!

What could be more natural or normal than people falling in love, marrying, children… the whole catastrophe!

I know it’s not typical but neither my husband nor I are “party” people. When we invite people over, it’s one or two people, maybe four, not 40 or 80 or 120. And we don’t even know 200 people.

 

[Xantippe]

So, for the old time marrieds (and new-time marrieds), would you still do the same wedding/reception?

While I had a lovely time at our small luncheon, looking back, I would still have gotten married in the church but invited no one but immediate family (and that’s a maybe), and just been done with all the celebrating after a luncheon. (oh. That’s what we had) I am often of the mindset that brides/grooms think others are far more interested in their weddings than they really are!

What could be more natural or normal than people falling in love, marrying, children… the whole catastrophe!

I know it’s not typical but neither my husband nor I are “party” people. When we invite people over, it’s one or two people, maybe four, not 40 or 80 or 120. And we don’t even know 200 people.

It would have been nice to have a hometown wedding and invite every relative I have (and I have lots), but definitely more stressful than what we did, which was a wedding Mass in the city we lived with a handful of invitees and then a homemade lunch (quiche and salad) and store cake from the fridge. We would have had the larger family wedding, had not one side of the family threatened a boycott–they felt we were getting married too fast.

A lot of us are so well-supplied with relatives that we get into three digits really fast with very little reaching.

 

[maryjk]

So, for the old time marrieds (and new-time marrieds), would you still do the same wedding/reception?

Yes, we had a very small reception. But it was a full reception.

We invited 30 people. My parents paid for 25 plates. So 5 people declined.

We had a sit down dinner, then dancing and cake.

I liked it because I was able to talk to everyone. And I knew everyone there. No second cousin, once removed. No boss’s boss’s boss.

 

[MJJean]

So, for the old time marrieds (and new-time marrieds), would you still do the same wedding/reception?

While I had a lovely time at our small luncheon, looking back, I would still have gotten married in the church but invited no one but immediate family (and that’s a maybe), and just been done with all the celebrating after a luncheon. (oh. That’s what we had) I am often of the mindset that brides/grooms think others are far more interested in their weddings than they really are!

What could be more natural or normal than people falling in love, marrying, children… the whole catastrophe!

I know it’s not typical but neither my husband nor I are “party” people. When we invite people over, it’s one or two people, maybe four, not 40 or 80 or 120. And we don’t even know 200 people.

We got married at city hall with me wearing my favorite jeans and DH in his work uniform.(he took half a day off) We then went and picked up the kids from my (disapproving) father’s house. Yes, I think I would do it different if I could!

If I could do it over I’d have gotten my annulment, converted, and had a small ceremony in the daily mass chapel with me in a decent dress or pantsuit and him in a suit. I might have invited a couple family members/friends…might. Guess I’m not a party person, myself.