Struggles with past memories of abuse

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exoflare

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I’ve been wanting to post about this for some time and I always get all sorts of different reservations about it whenever I am about to… but I think I need to finally stop overthinking it and just post something even if it’s not perfect.

This is actually difficult for me to discuss for some reason, but my main question is did anyone else here have a parent who used violence or threats of violence against you when you were a child? If so, how did it affect you later on and were you ever able to trust that parent ever again?

My father used to threaten violence against me repeatedly as a child even for very trivial things, but I only remember him actually hitting me once (NOT talking about premeditated spanking)… this actually ended up being my earliest memory that I can still recall and it’s him continually beating the s**t out of me once because I woke up in my crib and started crying and the longer he kept hitting me the more I kept crying so eventually I realized what was going on and somehow got myself to stop crying. The whole time I remember my mother, who I started calling out to, sitting on the edge of her bed watching the whole thing with a sad but resigned look on her face and I wondered why she never did anything to stop him.

He always used to threaten to hit me in very explicit ways even for the most minor signs of hesitancy to do something he told me or for acting a different way than he liked. The more I think about it the more I’m convinced that I’ve actually blocked a lot of this stuff out but the ones I do remember… he’d often look at me and make a fist like he was about to punch me or something and say “you want some of this?” and another one of the most common lines was “keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about” and at least one time he used the phrase “slap you silly”. Another one I remember was “you want a fat lip?”. He would also yell and scream at me a lot.

One reason I find it hard to talk about this (besides the fact that both he and my mom deny to my face that this ever happened for some reason) is I strongly suspect that he has narcissistic personality disorder for several reasons which I won’t go into much right now, but he comes across as being so friendly/charming/generous etc to everyone else. However in the private company of his own family - namely me and my mother - he feels free to let fly with all kinds of needless insults and excessive criticism/condescension. Even when he makes efforts to act friendly or charming with people there’s something that just seems “off” about it to me, but it’s hard to really put into words. The thing is when I’m distant or untrusting with him I’m always seen as the bad guy for it. I’m actually considering whether or not to break contact with him for good once I get the chance. Believe it or not, I actually go through times when I question to myself whether or not what I went through should truly be considered “abuse” because apparently I’m still in a stage of disbelief about it all. 😦 There’s a lot more that’s been on my mind right now but I just felt like I should post at least this much for now; if nothing else, just to vent.
 
My soon to be ex was a form of NPD - I don’t say he had it just that he was it. I am so sorry that you are going through this and admire your strength in being able to talk about it. You should probably get yourself into some type of couseling - try to find a good Catholic counselor as this will affect every relationship you have in the future if you do not. I am sorry I know this probably is not what you were looking for but no one had answered you yet and I did not want you to go without being answered.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with Thee,
Blessed are You Among Women,
And Blessed is the Fruit of Thy Womb Jesus,

Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us Sinners,
Now and at the Hour of Our Death
Amen.
 
joandarc2008 said:
I am sorry I know this probably is not what you were looking for but no one had answered you yet and I did not want you to go without being answered.
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No worries. 🙂 I do appreciate your response though.

I have a counselor I like but that I haven’t talked to in months, however she isn’t Catholic. Do you think the being Catholic part is crucial to this?
 
It* is* abuse, emotional, mental, and physical.
No you should never have been subjected to anything like this.
Clearly as you note, your Dad has a serious problem. Pray for your enemies, Jesus said. And your Dad sure needs prayer.

The baby, the child, the young person who you are only deserved love, not abuse.
I am truly sorry that the precious person who you are, has had all this unnecessary hurt. May God embrace you deep in His heart.
I ask Jesus to go back into each moment that you suffered this abuse, and begin your healing.

I praise God that you have managed to survive as well as you have.
 
That is serious abuse, and not just the hitting. The hitting, though, that sounds as if it was literally criminal, particularly in the battery of a child still in the crib. Perpetrators convicted of that kind of abuse can go to jail, lose custody of their children. All of the later verbal threats have to be taken in light of that abuse. I can only guess at why your mother did not intervene, but I would guess that either he beat her or that she feared that her intervention would increase the severity of his outbursts. It does not excuse her from her responsibility as your mother to protect you, but it is possible that she was also a victim of his physical assaults. As you found, sometimes even one assault is enough to cow the victim into compliance thereafter, if it is severe enough. He may also have assaulted you as a way of controlling her. As for committing a crime and then denying your memory of it, that is a form of emotional manipulation called “gas lighting.” Consider his treatment of you since this distant memory. If you were a jury, whose account of that long-ago day would you believe? Only someone who had only seen his public side would doubt you.

You also do not seem to be describing a man who has forged any emotional attachment to you. I could be hearing you wrong, but you aren’t desribing a dad who is normally loving and affectionate but who loses his temper once in awhile. You seem to be describing a man who has no attachment to anyone except himself. Unless he has changed, trusting him seems out of the question. How could it be? He isn’t trustworthy. In fact, it seems almost certain that he would violate any trust you put in him. Do not punish yourself for recognizing that. I can imagine that you want to trust him because he is your father. You may feel, “He’s my dad, I should be able to trust him.” Of course you want that. Children deserve that from their parents. If you are right about his mental state, though, he may be no more capable of that than a blind father would be of driving you to school. If it takes counselling to be able to stick with that recognition of truth no matter who tries to lay a guilt trip onto you about it–it would for me–then get counselling.

Trust your sense that his positive overtures towards others are “off.” It may not exactly apply, but you may find some parallels to your situation in Martha Stout’s book, “The Sociopath Next Door.” She talks about young people who found themselves having to deal with parents who lack an emotional conscience…that is, who are sociopaths.

Mostly, though, try to find a person you can confide in personally, a person with some professional or pastoral experience. You deserve a confidante who can hear your story, who can know how to help you, who can look you in the eye, and can assure you of the things you need to go forward.

I’m so sorry you have this in your past to get through. It is not your fault. Hang in there, and may God be with you.
 
You need to see a genuine Christian counselor. One who will actually talk about spirituality as part of the treatment. My psychologist is Christian but not Catholic and it hasn’t hindered me. I’ve actually looked for a Catholic psychologist in particular, but they’re very difficult to find and you have to consider what your insurance will cover as well.

However I can say that I honestly know a little of what you have experienced.
 
exoflare said:
No worries. 🙂 I do appreciate your response though.

I have a counselor I like but that I haven’t talked to in months, however she isn’t Catholic. Do you think the being Catholic part is crucial to this?
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It depends on how involved you are in the Church, etc. Honestly if Christ is a big part of your life and it probably is since you are here - it may be helpful with developing a relationship with your therapist to have someone that understands your faith especially later on if you are looking at marriage, etc. It is not so much whether she IS Catholic but whether or not she practices Christian based counseling. If you are comfortable than it may not matter. Either way it is very important you get back in to see someone. God bless you.
 
She doesn’t do “Christian-based” couseling, but I do feel comfortable enough discussing really anything at all with her so I guess I’ll have to think about that some more. I don’t get a day off working all day till Friday though so it’s not like I wouldn’t have the time to think it over anyway.

In any case, you’re probably right. I also came to the conclusion that counseling was probably something I needed but right now I’m desperately trying to save my money as much as I can so that I can move away from my father in the first place. 😦 (I’m only still living with him at this age because of my Asperger’s syndrome and all the problems it’s caused me in progressing through school and employment)
 
exoflare said:
She doesn’t do “Christian-based” couseling, but I do feel comfortable enough discussing really anything at all with her so I guess I’ll have to think about that some more. I don’t get a day off working all day till Friday though so it’s not like I wouldn’t have the time to think it over anyway.

In any case, you’re probably right. I also came to the conclusion that counseling was probably something I needed but right now I’m desperately trying to save my money as much as I can so that I can move away from my father in the first place. 😦 (I’m only still living with him at this age because of my Asperger’s syndrome and all the problems it’s caused me in progressing through school and employment)
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There may be some advocacy groups in your area that may be able to help you with counseling at a reduced rate. Money is tough for everyone right now - but if you already have diagnosis that cause issues with employment and school there are programs such as vocational rehabilitation that can help. You should talk to your counselor about this and she may need to get you in touch with a social worker - if she cannot help with this you should contact Catholic Charities in your area - they may be able to help get you set up with a list of programs that can help you. No one is ever alone. First we have God, and then we have each other.
 
I’ve given vocational rehab several tries already, and unfortunately they’re pretty useless for Asperger’s syndrome. At least in my state. Their idea of a “success” was sticking me in a minimum-wage job that only allowed me to work 10 hours a week max.
 
exoflare said:
I’ve given vocational rehab several tries already, and unfortunately they’re pretty useless for Asperger’s syndrome. At least in my state. Their idea of a “success” was sticking me in a minimum-wage job that only allowed me to work 10 hours a week max.
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I’m sorry to hear that - there are other programs though including ones that offer counseling and that is why I said you may want to talk to your counselor about seeing what you qualify for. You will need a social worker who is trained in your state to know what you qualify for in your state. Good luck and God bless.
 
Dear exoflare,

Thankyou for sharing this personal and difficult issue. I hope you get some helpful advise, and prayers, here.

What follows is my personal take, based on my own experience. Take what you want from it.

First off, please don’t enter into any romantic relationships, and, especially, don’t marry, until you have substantially resolved these issues. I had a troubled childhood, and then, at 24 left home, in a hurry, and at 25 I was married. This started 10 years of bad marriage, and 15 years of recovery, which was worse than the childhood. Worse, because the pain was greater, worse, because my faith died, and worse, because my primary responsibility was now to care for my children, while I was still “not well” myself.

It is one of life’s saddest maxim’s that people who are abused as children will put themself into abusive relationships as adults - and never understand why life is so hard for them. So, please make it your number one goal, right now, to address these problems.

I can understand why your mother did nothing about the abuse. I was married to an abusive spouse (in my case, the woman was the abuser), and I learnt very early that any sort of self-defence by me would inevitably by “punished” by more severe abuse. The same applied to the children - if I stood up to her for the sake of the children, she would “punish” them, and me, even more. I now believe that she has NPD. I spent most of the marriage dealing with her moods and demands, and trying to be both “mother” and “father” to the kids, while she was busy pleasing herself (and complaining about me, the children, and everything else).

Your mother MAY be waiting for a chance to tell her side of the story. I think that is unlikely, as she’s mentally “locked into” the situation, but if she could, then that would be the best thing that could happen to you, and her. I suggest you gently try to talk to her in private - but be ready to back off if you see she’s not ready. And, if she isn’t able to, then give her all the benefit of the doubt you can.

You mentioned Asperger’s syndrome. Is that a sure diagnosis? When you get somewhat free from this household, I suggest you get that re-assessed.

My own childhood was traumatized by the suicide of my father, when I was only four, and then I was battered by our nanny, for crying, and neglected by my mother. It took me many years to recover from all this, but I don’t think my trauma would be as severe as yours, especially for the ongoing confusion caused by dealing with someone who wrongs you severely, and then denies it.

Having been through therapy, for both my childhood problems, and then for the divorce, I think there is very little chance of you ever getting an understanding of the past, and that is not really the goal. You want to be able to validate your own feelings about the past (ie. accept that what happened was, indeed, serious abuse), but the goal is really to accept it, and then start moving on with your own life.

Keep thanking God for your faith. Whenever the past troubles me, I let myself enter into it for a while, but then I remember all that God has done for me, and tell myself that He is more powerful than anyone else. That thought doesn’t fix things quickly, but it helps in the long run.

I will keep you in my prayers,

Blessings,

Edmundus
 
Edmund,

Thanks for your reply. I need to go to bed here in a little bit but I’ll try to address some of the main points for now.

Yes, the Asperger’s is a sure diagnosis. I won’t go into too many of the details here of how I verified this but the issues aren’t just behavioral or personality which can be subjective or open to interpretation. There are also things like being overly sensitive to light, loud noises, touch, slight auditory processing difficulties, etc associated with it that I have.

On a side note, I’ve been taking enzymes lately to break down gluten/casein/soy and this is helping tremendously with just about every symptom. It feels like I’m in a higher state of consciousness now, more aware of things than I was before in general… and I think this is one of the main reasons I’ve only now started to deal with these repressed issues whereas before it was easier to just continue to bury them. Plus in this higher state of consciousness I’ve noticed a lot more of the subtle giveaways of my dad’s apparent narcissism that I missed/overlooked in the past.

I have actually discussed all this with my mother more recently and she seems to imply that she doesn’t remember (this baffles me but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt 🤷) but instead of flat-out denying it like in the past she just took my word for it and said “well I’m sorry, that’s not what I wanted for you”.

About keeping out of romantic relationships I’ve already resolved that for myself sometime back. In the past it was because of the same issues you mention, and now mostly because of the higher urgency of getting my finances straightened out. The issues that stemmed from the abuse, I’ve actually noticed through constant personal introspection up to several years ago and gradually worked toward resolving them on my own. What I’m still worried about right now is being able to support myself financially, enough so that I don’t have to keep putting on an act around my father out of sheer self-preservation. If money were no object, I could just break contact with him completely and it wouldn’t bother me at all. In fact I’d feel a lot better and finally free to be myself again as I always do whenever I’m away from him or certain other family members - like a certain weight has been lifted and I don’t miss them at all.

This doesn’t mean I won’t still pursue counseling, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that separating myself from him asap would do a whole lot more for me at this point so that’s why it’s my current priority.
 
You really need to get a neurologist to make that diagnoses, I’m being serious. It’s a serious diagnosis that requires a medical doctor.
 
I have at least two doctors that can vouch for me about Asperger’s but neither of them are neurologists. I’m not concerned with the label anyway; whatever you want to call it, the only reason it’s even an issue right now is due to the undeniable symptoms that have posed various obstacles in school and job settings. These are becoming much less of an issue recently with the start of taking enzymes though.
 
It’s not so much the label, but a neurologist would be able to detect any issues with MRIs at least. That’s what I was referring to.
 
I might actually do that if I could afford it. 😦 Anyway, with Asperger’s even once they diagnose it officially, the doctors generally don’t do much other than slap you with the label and then tell you to resign yourself to your fate. I’m not really in the mood to pay money for that (again). :o The only reason I even bothered to get an official diagnosis the first time was so that I would qualify for vocational rehabilitation, but that just turned out to be a total waste of everyone’s time.
 
Thanks for the reply, exoflare. I appreciate you address each of my suggestions. Well done, you seem to be making the most of some very difficult problems.

Thre will come a time when you are in a much better place mentally, financially, and with your career prospects. I hope and trust that you will also find happiness with wife.

Two years, or even 5 years, seems like an eternity when you are young, but it does pass quickly, and you can grow a lot in that time.

In my opinion, recovering from traumatic experiences: is 40% addressing the experience, and 60% getting on with life anyway - but don’t try it without the 40% 🙂
 
You seem really strong exoflare - one thing you might want to look into with a social worker is to see if they have any group housing available. Not all group housing is bad - but in a situation such as yours where your disability has caused financial issues and the stress of staying with a past abuser could only further stress you it might be better for you. I am not talking about something like a rehab I am talking about something set up to help men and women that need a small bit of assistance but maybe don’t have the family support for it.

I also agree with the others - you should a neurologist. Head injuries can also mimic many of the same symptoms. But this is something that only a competent medical professional can diagnose you with. Also MediCaid may be available to you if you are disabled and unable to work over a certain age. Please find yourself a competent social worker that can get you ALL the benefits that are yours so that you can grow and heal and be the fully independent person that I think I hear you wanting to be.

God bless you,
 
I had the same problem with abuse of all kinds during my childhood. My mother is toxic. I finally cut off all relations with her and feel much better, although I do feel a little guilty. She still doesn’t accept responsibility for being so poisonous, and she clearly feels no need to change her behavior, so I opted out of a really bad situation. It is very hard to do.
Do what you have to do to get out of this situation, no matter what it takes. Life is too short to spend it as a victim.
 
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