Struggles with past memories of abuse

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exoflare said:
This is actually difficult for me to discuss for some reason, but my main question is did anyone else here have a parent who used violence or threats of violence against you when you were a child? If so, how did it affect you later on and were you ever able to trust that parent ever again?
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My father was violent, and threatened me with violence, and acted them out on my brother througout our childhood. His verbal and emotional abuse was constant. When I was a preteen and teenager, I used to hide in my bedroom when my mom wasn’t home, because when my mom was home she would protect me. One day he was trying to pound my door down, and he broke the doorknob off, so it was like a lock on my door for me. So mom never fixed it and I could lock myself in my room. When I was 19, he came home drunk and started fighting with mom and started beating on her. I beat him off her, called the police, had him removed from the house and my brother and I made sure he never step foot in the house again. The were divorced within a few months. Shortly after, the marriage was annulled. I gave him one chance to have some sort of relationship with me during those few months, but at our public meeting he started acting out…so it was the last time I saw him. It’s been over 20 years since I last saw him, and probably 15 years since an accidental phone call since I last spoke to him. No, I will never trust him again. Neither does my brother. I have no clue where he is, or if he’s still alive. And I certainly don’t want that kind of force in my life ever again. I can’t imagine why anyone would.

I don’t feel guilty for severing that relationship. It was a caustic, and harmful relationship and IMOHO we don’t need those kind of people in our lives. There’s no reason in the world to subject onesself to someone who enjoys being toxic and who destroys every relationship in their lives.

I admit that my past relationship with my father, and watching the relationships he had with others including my mom, makes it very difficult for me to trust others.

My brother is a bit caustic, and has a lot of my father’s traits, including an explosive temper and abusive demeanor. I don’t know why, but I love him very much. However, as much as I love him, but I do set firm limits on him. I won’t tolerate abusive behavior in my life (since I was 19), and we’ve been reduced to text messaging 😦 I am very willing to overlook anything in the past when it looks like he’s behaving, but the moment he starts misbehaving, I put a wall between us and nip it real quick…if that makes sense. I don’t let him rile me up (which drives him insane), I just separate myself from him until he behaves again… and again, I have no idea why I tolerate him, because I don’t tolerate my father at all. Maybe there is something to be said about blood-bonds?
 
Musician said:
I had the same problem with abuse of all kinds during my childhood. My mother is toxic. I finally cut off all relations with her and feel much better, although I do feel a little guilty. She still doesn’t accept responsibility for being so poisonous, and she clearly feels no need to change her behavior, so I opted out of a really bad situation. It is very hard to do.
Do what you have to do to get out of this situation, no matter what it takes. Life is too short to spend it as a victim.
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Absolutely. Toxic relationships are toxic to one’s soul. Seriously.

I don’t feel an ounce of guilt from severing my relationship with my father…and I don’t feel guilty taking breaks from my brother, but I do sometimes miss my brother. I don’t miss my father at all though…
 
At around age 9, and sometime during my teen years, I was sexually abused by an uncle and a brother respectively. I still don’t understand, and probably won’t heal completely in this life. But I do know that the best revenge is having the best possible life. As far as dealing with specific memories, that varies for each one. All I can suggest is that you try to replace the painful memories with something pleasing. And get medicine and therapy, as your finances allow.
 
I think you are very courageous to post about this so openly. You also sound like you are being very rational in dealing with it-I am assuming you are still pretty young. Counseling is SO expensive, I hear you on that. I was also abused and know that it is a real struggle to find healing but I assure you there is hope (not that you sound like you don’t know that already). I also can vouch by my own life that God will be with you every step of the way. BTW, I worked with both christian and non-christian counselors over the years as well as in peer support groups. The non-christian counselors were open to my own religion/spiritual life but it would have been nice if it could have been more supportive in that way. The christian ones were good too, but they were not catholic so I got more of a protestant type of philosophy there. My prayers are with you.
 
Thanks for all the other replies everyone. I’m still weighing out what to do and there are many factors I need to consider that I didn’t want to trail off into with the OP. It would take up too much space if I listed everything.

Some major concerns:

If I opt to completely break contact, or even just leave without totally cutting the cord, I still care about my mom and don’t really want to leave her alone with only my dad and (occasionally) my brother - who practically idolizes my dad and has evidently picked up more and more of his bad habits over time. Especially since my mom is a rather timid person anyway. (knowing what I know now I’m pretty sure this is how my dad originally “targetted” her in the first place :mad:) She has asperger’s too although she remains undiagnosed; however she eventually overcame all the workplace difficulties and settled into a steady job that she likes. So at least if nothing else I know she’d be able to support herself if somehow worse came to worst.

My dad seems to have backed off quite a bit recently for some reason, after trying a degrading control tactic on me and I flat-out threw it right back in his face. For several days afterward he’s reverted back to being Mr. Nice Guy with the oh-so saccharine fake charm. He still buys me things too and provides some financial support and even though I know he really thinks of it as nothing more than one more way to emotionally blackmail me deep down, somehow I still feel a small twinge of guilt every now and then for being angry with him because of it. I know I need to snap out of it probably… :o
 
exoflare said:
Thanks for all the other replies everyone. I’m still weighing out what to do and there are many factors I need to consider that I didn’t want to trail off into with the OP. It would take up too much space if I listed everything.

Some major concerns:

If I opt to completely break contact, or even just leave without totally cutting the cord, I still care about my mom and don’t really want to leave her alone with only my dad and (occasionally) my brother - who practically idolizes my dad and has evidently picked up more and more of his bad habits over time. Especially since my mom is a rather timid person anyway. (knowing what I know now I’m pretty sure this is how my dad originally “targetted” her in the first place :mad:) She has asperger’s too although she remains undiagnosed; however she eventually overcame all the workplace difficulties and settled into a steady job that she likes. So at least if nothing else I know she’d be able to support herself if somehow worse came to worst.

My dad seems to have backed off quite a bit recently for some reason, after trying a degrading control tactic on me and I flat-out threw it right back in his face. For several days afterward he’s reverted back to being Mr. Nice Guy with the oh-so saccharine fake charm. He still buys me things too and provides some financial support and even though I know he really thinks of it as nothing more than one more way to emotionally blackmail me deep down, somehow I still feel a small twinge of guilt every now and then for being angry with him because of it. I know I need to snap out of it probably… :o
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One does not save a drowning person by jumping into the raging river without a life preserver and rope. 😉
 
exo,

when you had written that your mom didnt remember the bad past, i wondered if she, too, didnt have asbergers. then you confirmed it. giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has meant no harm seems the right thing to do. perhaps she’s still in the heavy haze you described you once expereinced.

as for your dad: you already have your number one weapon against the badness, meanness and manipulations-- you know what’s TRUE. and the truth has set you free.

even though you were fearful to admit it, you know he’s abusive. you know he’s a fake. and you know God made you with dignity. God made you with the ability to know what’s true. and God made you for love.

that grace of Truth is a gift from God and a weapon in the face of all the madness.

that grace will carry you through the work of education challenges, employment and eventually distance from the man. spend lots of time on your knees in the presence of God, exo. simply let Him fill you and fill you with the grace of His Truth.
 
monicatholic said:
when you had written that your mom didnt remember the bad past, i wondered if she, too, didnt have asbergers. then you confirmed it. giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has meant no harm seems the right thing to do. perhaps she’s still in the heavy haze you described you once expereinced.
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Well, of course like I’ve said before I have decided to give her the benefit of the doubt either way. Having said that, even being in a similar “haze” such as I found myself in - to me, this still doesn’t even come close to explaining how she would have absolutely no memory of such a thing, especially seeing how she was an adult and I remember it even as a baby at that time.
 
Also I went ahead and bit the bullet, and made an appoinment with my counselor for Monday. FML 😦
 
exoflare said:
Well, of course like I’ve said before I have decided to give her the benefit of the doubt either way. Having said that, even being in a similar “haze” such as I found myself in - to me, this still doesn’t even come close to explaining how she would have absolutely no memory of such a thing, especially seeing how she was an adult and I remember it even as a baby at that time.
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You might want to mention it to your counselor. I think she’ll tell you that we can block things out of our memory. Not that she intentionally did, but it may have been so painful to her that she repressed it. We all deal differently with that sort of thing.
 
Cut off all contact with him, you will be okay. If you feel the need to get counseling, take it.

But get away from him, and don’t ever talk to him again. Its for the better.
 
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