Struggling with contraception etc teachings.. a lot

[blue_skies_1]

Hi,

I’m having a real struggle at the moment with what I perceive to be harsh teaching by the Church. I’d really appreciate some insights… I just want to say first that I’m not trying to pick holes in anything & I know my viewpoint may appear very ignorant and uncatholic to some on here, so please bear with me

Basically regarding the teaching that contraception is a sin…
I do understand the basic reasons taught by the Church (I think) but I still have a problem because, despite what everyone says about NFP & its effectiveness I know for a fact that you can be practising NFP carefully & have quite a few ‘surprises’. I’ve even read stories on here from people totally stressed by a pregnancy they can’t handle.
Now these ‘surprises’ may be wonderful blessings from God… they are, I know that. But some couples just are not in a position to have a child. I’m talking about if they are truly poor for instance & can’t afford another mouth to feed, if there are some mental issues that would make parenting a child near-impossible, or if the mother had severe health issues meaning that she would not survive pregnancy & birth.

These situations may be at the extreme end but they do happen & if it was me, I just don’t know what I would do… Risk maybe leaving children I already had without a mother? Abstain from sex pretty much all the time & put a massive strain on my marriage? This is all hypothetical but it worries me a lot because I want to believe the Church’s teachings are perfect & that God is loving but I can’t reconcile this.

I mean, why does the church teach that using condoms for instance is a MORTAL sin? It’s not abortifacient in any way. And why is it ok to be sterilised (e.g. hysterectomy) if your organs are actually diseased but not if becoming pregnant would put your life severely at risk?

Thanks for your help.

 

[PennitentMan]

Hi Blue_skies.

Lemme tell ya, you are not alone in this question! There are myriads of us out there. Most, however are not outspoken about it.

Some (me included) will agree that this is a very harsh teaching, but you will also find that there is no leeway or relaxing of these rules, even if the prospective mother is staring certain death in the face. The best that you could hope for is that the mother’s death might be refered to as a martyr’s death…but that will probably not happen.

These situations may be at the extreme end but they do happen & if it was me, I just don’t know what I would do… Risk maybe leaving children I already had without a mother? Abstain from sex pretty much all the time & put a massive strain on my marriage?

This may be hypothetical, but you hit the nail on the head. That is the logical outcome of following these laws, the possibility of death of the mother, or a massive strain on the marriage…both happened to us.

Yeah, I’m disillusioned, but I thought you have to know that there are people like us out there…

I pray that the answers you’ll get will make sense toyou and that you might understand this teaching, but I never could and still don’t.

Good luck in your quest!

PM

 

[LilyM]

And of course no-one has ever had their birth control fail, even a supposedly properly done vasectomy or tubal ligation, and ended up with exactly the same stresses regardless … The way most people use contraception, the risks of pregnancy are substantially higher than advertised.

You have sex, you risk pregnancy. With or without artificial contraceptives or surgical procedures. You don’t want to be pregnant, don’t have sex. NFP at least teaches a couple to work WITH the woman’s God-given bodily processes, which give their own signals as to fertility, and not to put themselves at the mercy of very fallible pills or devices, or worse still mutilate that God-given body.

And a woman who thinks they ‘can’t handle’ a pregnancy (or indeed any other stressful situation) needs firstly to seek whatever sort of help is appropriate, be it medical, psychological, financial or what have you.

And secondly to give it to Jesus - dying for the sins of humanity might’ve been just a tad stressful too y’know, so it’s not like He doesn’t understand. He calls on us to accept, and offer in union with His sufferings, whatever in the way of stress cannot be prevented.

 

[blue_skies_1]

LilyM - yes, I do know that birth control and even vasectomies fail at times. But I haven’t heard of many women becoming pregnant after hysterectomies, for instance…?

And I see what you’re saying about offering up our sufferings to God… but maybe try saying that to the children who might be left behind after their mother died needlessly?

 

[EmBee]

And I see what you’re saying about offering up our sufferings to God… but maybe try saying that to the children who might be left behind after their mother died needlessly?

Well, who’s to dictate whether the death was “needless” or not?

I struggled with the Church’s stance on contraception a lot before I became Catholic (converted last March!). Since then, I’ve done so much soul-searching it’s redunkulous Here are my top reasons for not using artificial birth control:

1a. ABC allows some younger people to pervert the meaning of sex. It is easier to be lackadaisical about who/when/why a person has sex because of the freedom from pregnancy granted by ABC. ABC negates the formula “sex makes babies” and turns it into “sex is fun”. Sex may very well be fun, but, especially for non-married people (myself included), the idea that sex is fun, while ignoring the “babies” part, may encourage the idea that sex is about using another person for personal pleasure.

1b: ABC allows some happily married & responsible people to pervert the meaning of sex. A couple trying to avoid (TTA) conception by using ABC may become pregnant anyway. They may welcome the surprise baby with open arms, or they may welcome it slightly begrudgingly, or they may abort the child.

1. Hormonal treatments that affect fertility are serious medicines. I took the pill for 7 years and once I stopped, I didn’t have a period for 6 months! The pill sped my natural 40 day cycle to a 28 day cycle. Medicines are also normally prescribed to fix a problem, but my fertility is not a problem that needs fixing. There are side-effects to the pill (higher risk of stroke/heart disease/etc), and there’s also talk of it being an abortifacient. I’ve seen studies that say it is and studies that say it isn’t. I haven’t had the time to really sort thru everything, but the possibility is a concern.
2. Not using ABC is a demonstration of my trust in God. I can train myself to listen to God and do what He calls me to do, but in the end I’m always interpreting Him and, ultimately, I have a chance of being wrong. Since God is involved in the making of every child, without ABC, I am trusting that God will not give me any more children than I can handle. Of course, discerning whether you should have sex or not is key, see #4.
3. Not using ABC opens dialog between husband & wife. If every time a couple has sex there is a possibility of have a child, there will be more discussion about when/why to have sex. I would also argue that being reminded that sex makes babies and that God is involved in the creation of every baby, would make sex more meaningful.
4. From an entirely Catholic perspective: there are two reasons for sex – union and procreation. Any sort of ABC severs the union between husband and wife because they are not able to give themselves fully to the other person. Sex takes two people and unites them as one, but only if there is a full giving of self between both people. By holding back fertility, the Church explains, you are holding back the most precious part of yourself – your ability to be instrumental in God’s ability to create life.

What do you think?

–

 

[LilyM]

LilyM - yes, I do know that birth control and even vasectomies fail at times. But I haven’t heard of many women becoming pregnant after hysterectomies, for instance…?

And I see what you’re saying about offering up our sufferings to God… but maybe try saying that to the children who might be left behind after their mother died needlessly?

Needlessly? What’s the other alternative? That the child be denied the chance at life - with equal chance of such denial being needless? There are plenty of stories on these forums alone of women who’ve come through pregnancy OK after being medically advised against it.

Does a mother’s life really always matter more than the child’s? If so, why? Wouldn’t most mothers without a second thought place their life at risk to save the life of their toddler or teenager? Heck, I don’t even have children of my own, but I know I would do the same for my nieces and nephews. So why not for their unborn or yet-to-be-born?

 

[blue_skies_1]

Needlessly? What’s the other alternative? That the child be denied the chance at life - with equal chance of such denial being needless? There are plenty of stories on these forums alone of women who’ve come through pregnancy OK after being medically advised against it.

Does a mother’s life really always matter more than the child’s? If so, why? Wouldn’t most mothers without a second thought place their life at risk to save the life of their toddler or teenager? Heck, I don’t even have children of my own, but I know I would do the same for my nieces and nephews. So why not for their unborn or yet-to-be-born?

I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t find this a logical argument at all. I’m not talking about abortion here (taking a life) but rather taking measures to categorically prevent a pregnancy when there are very, very serious reasons for doing so. This is surely a perfectly moral thing to do & doesn’t go against the ‘rights’ of those you term the ‘yet-to-be-born’ (by which I assume you mean babies who have not been conceived and as such do not exist in any understanding that I have come across).

I know that some women are higher risk than others in pregnancy - that’s how life is - & some women come through it ok, but the ones who didn’t would not be posting about it on this forum for obvious reasons, so focusing on the success-against-the-odds stories is hardly likely to give an unbiased view, is it? Also, I have heard that doctors can at times be over-cautious about this & advise against pregnancy for somewhat lesser reasons so just to be extra clear I am talking about the cases of very severe risk to the life of the mother.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Well, who’s to dictate whether the death was “needless” or not?

I struggled with the Church’s stance on contraception a lot before I became Catholic (converted last March!). Since then, I’ve done so much soul-searching it’s redunkulous Here are my top reasons for not using artificial birth control:

1a. ABC allows some younger people to pervert the meaning of sex. It is easier to be lackadaisical about who/when/why a person has sex because of the freedom from pregnancy granted by ABC. ABC negates the formula “sex makes babies” and turns it into “sex is fun”. Sex may very well be fun, but, especially for non-married people (myself included), the idea that sex is fun, while ignoring the “babies” part, may encourage the idea that sex is about using another person for personal pleasure.

1b: ABC allows some happily married & responsible people to pervert the meaning of sex. A couple trying to avoid (TTA) conception by using ABC may become pregnant anyway. They may welcome the surprise baby with open arms, or they may welcome it slightly begrudgingly, or they may abort the child.

1. Hormonal treatments that affect fertility are serious medicines. I took the pill for 7 years and once I stopped, I didn’t have a period for 6 months! The pill sped my natural 40 day cycle to a 28 day cycle. Medicines are also normally prescribed to fix a problem, but my fertility is not a problem that needs fixing. There are side-effects to the pill (higher risk of stroke/heart disease/etc), and there’s also talk of it being an abortifacient. I’ve seen studies that say it is and studies that say it isn’t. I haven’t had the time to really sort thru everything, but the possibility is a concern.
2. Not using ABC is a demonstration of my trust in God. I can train myself to listen to God and do what He calls me to do, but in the end I’m always interpreting Him and, ultimately, I have a chance of being wrong. Since God is involved in the making of every child, without ABC, I am trusting that God will not give me any more children than I can handle. Of course, discerning whether you should have sex or not is key, see #4.
3. Not using ABC opens dialog between husband & wife. If every time a couple has sex there is a possibility of have a child, there will be more discussion about when/why to have sex. I would also argue that being reminded that sex makes babies and that God is involved in the creation of every baby, would make sex more meaningful.
4. From an entirely Catholic perspective: there are two reasons for sex – union and procreation. Any sort of ABC severs the union between husband and wife because they are not able to give themselves fully to the other person. Sex takes two people and unites them as one, but only if there is a full giving of self between both people. By holding back fertility, the Church explains, you are holding back the most precious part of yourself – your ability to be instrumental in God’s ability to create life.

What do you think?

–

Thanks EmBee, I do basically agree with these points. I think that contraception is a very destructive thing for those very reasons and if/when I get married I intend to use NFP or nothing at all

But then again none of these very serious reasons for avoiding pregnancy apply to me as far as I know and if I were to discover something like that now I would choose not to get married.

If I were already married though… that would be a different matter. That’s the specific dilemma I’m talking about… I suppose I’m just struggling with the fact that the Church teaches sterilisation cannot be used even in extremis… I personally would view sterilisation as a sad but morally acceptable choice if faced by this situation. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s how I see it… I can’t understand how someone could say that the mother dying would theoretically be preferable to that… and could they possibly see things in such black-and-white if their own loved ones were involved?

Please understand… I came here looking for answers & I am a serious Catholic, I love the Church but I just can’t find a solution for this. It seems the view on here is that for a woman (or, to see the bigger picture, a family) faced with this it’s just…tough luck. Use NFP and if that doesn’t work, offer it up to Jesus!

 

[PennitentMan]

I can’t understand how someone could say that the mother dying would theoretically be preferable to that… and could they possibly see things in such black-and-white if their own loved ones were involved?

Please understand… I came here looking for answers & I am a serious Catholic, I love the Church but I just can’t find a solution for this. It seems the view on here is that for a woman (or, to see the bigger picture, a family) faced with this it’s just…tough luck. Use NFP and if that doesn’t work, offer it up to Jesus!

That’s it in a nutshell. Those are the only Catholic answers and options that are available. Unfortunately.

 

[blue_skies_1]

That’s it in a nutshell. Those are the only Catholic answers and options that are available. Unfortunately.

Oh dear… I’m not a happy bunny tonight
I’m sorry to hear of your painful situation, PenitentMan, my prayers for you to find solutions and happier times…
I’m still looking for those answers… anybody have any?

 

[po18guy]

Know that, from the establishment of the Church until about 1930, all Christian churches taught that contraception was evil. Then, in 1930, something changed. Was it God that changed, or man?

Since God never changes, and truth never changes, the Church that never changes is your best reflection of God’s will.

Know also that the purpose of human procreation is the creation of human life. This is as God ordered it. If you place a higher priority on your personal satisfaction or goals, or are just not open to God’s will for the act of procreation, have you not placed your opinion above that of God?

If you are not open to the creation of life, you are called to live a life of celibacy.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Know that, from the establishment of the Church until about 1930, all Christian churches taught that contraception was evil. Then, in 1930, something changed. Was it God that changed, or man?

Since God never changes, and truth never changes, the Church that never changes is your best reflection of God’s will.

Know also that the purpose of human procreation is the creation of human life. This is as God ordered it. If you place a higher priority on your personal satisfaction or goals, or are just not open to God’s will for the act of procreation, have you not placed your opinion above that of God?

If you are not open to the creation of life, you are called to live a life of celibacy.

Thanks PO18guy… I will think & pray tonight about what you & the others on this thread have posted.
'Night (well, it is where I live )

 

[ChrisWRIT]

… I suppose I’m just struggling with the fact that the Church teaches sterilisation cannot be used even in extremis… I personally would view sterilisation as a sad but morally acceptable choice if faced by this situation. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s how I see it… I can’t understand how someone could say that the mother dying would theoretically be preferable to that… and could they possibly see things in such black-and-white if their own loved ones were involved?

Please understand… I came here looking for answers & I am a serious Catholic, I love the Church but I just can’t find a solution for this. It seems the view on here is that for a woman (or, to see the bigger picture, a family) faced with this it’s just…tough luck. Use NFP and if that doesn’t work, offer it up to Jesus!

I know it seems hard to accept, but since our physical life is unimportant compared to the eternal life that we should seek, physical death is preferable to the moral wrong of contraception.

Even Jesus pointed this out in saying (in Luke 9) that -

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?”

The Church teaches us that we have two acceptable methods of birth control available to us, specifically for difficult circumstances, like those you mention. Neither method is contraceptive, so do not violate God’s commands – NFP & abstinence.

If the remote chance that a pregnancy would occur when using NFP is too much, abstinence is the only moral choice left for us.

Besides, abstinence is the only sure way to completely avoid pregnancy. No other method is foolproof; not condoms, pills, shots, etc… The “what if” scenario of telling a child that their mother died due to pregnancy can happen regardless of the method used - this cannot happen if one practices abstinence.

I know that having to remain abstinent in my marriage would be a huge sacrifice for me, but if I were faced with that choice, I would hope & pray for sufficient grace & love for both God & my family to endure it.

It comes back to Christ’s words (also in Luke 9) – “* If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.*”

Rather than being an unbearable burden, such would be a way of actually & practically showing your love, both for your spouse & for your children (if any), by saying through action that:

“I love you so much, that I am willing to sacrifice something that is hugely important to me for the sake protecting & providing for you.”

I hope this helps,

God Bless,

Chris

 

[EmBee]

If I were already married though… that would be a different matter. That’s the specific dilemma I’m talking about… I suppose I’m just struggling with the fact that the Church teaches sterilisation cannot be used even in extremis… I personally would view sterilisation as a sad but morally acceptable choice if faced by this situation. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s how I see it… I can’t understand how someone could say that the mother dying would theoretically be preferable to that… and could they possibly see things in such black-and-white if their own loved ones were involved?

Please understand… I came here looking for answers & I am a serious Catholic, I love the Church but I just can’t find a solution for this. It seems the view on here is that for a woman (or, to see the bigger picture, a family) faced with this it’s just…tough luck. Use NFP and if that doesn’t work, offer it up to Jesus!

Yeah, I hear ya with the tough luck & offering it up things. I think people throw those phrases around a lot and I end up forgetting what they actually mean sometimes. If I find myself feeling entitled to things (I’m not implying that you feel entitled, merely expressing my person feeling ), I have to swallow my pride and realize that the only reason I have anything is because of God and His love for me … little me …

To be married and unable to express my love for my husband thru sex would be a very heavy cross to bear, but there really is no other option. My FI and I have discussed this very issue, and we both feel that, if necessary, we would live a celibate marriage if need be. We hope to never have to make this sacrifice, but if we have to, we are both prepared (however naievely) to follow thru with our convictions.

Besides, Priests/single people are instructed to stay celibate their entire lives - what’s a few years of celibacy in marriage? Marriage is not all about sex, especially if there are children involved - sometimes I imagine how if I was married and had existing children, how much more I would cherish them if I knew I was unable to have more! I would be forced to find ways to love my husband in other ways than thru sex, and I believe that would help a couple’s spiritual growth.

There are blessings in everything, if only we try to see them

–

 

[rusty20]

Lily hit it dead on the head…

It’s very simple. Using ABC is NOT flawless, and is in practice about equally (usually less) effective when compared to NFP for avoiding pregnancy. The OP is resting on the assumption that NFP does NOT work, whereas ABC does.

The individual cases of health of mother, hysterectomy, etc are usually brought up as a clear strawman argument. They are brought up to show how the church is just being ‘cruel’ and needs to ‘get with the times.’ Do not get caught up in these arguments and miss the main church teachings on normal situations

 

[LilyM]

I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t find this a logical argument at all. I’m not talking about abortion here (taking a life) but rather taking measures to categorically prevent a pregnancy when there are very, very serious reasons for doing so. This is surely a perfectly moral thing to do & doesn’t go against the ‘rights’ of those you term the ‘yet-to-be-born’ (by which I assume you mean babies who have not been conceived and as such do not exist in any understanding that I have come across).

Before you were conceived you DID exist in the mind of God - have you never heard Him say so in scripture - ‘before I formed you in the womb I knew you’?

So yes, even the yet-to-be-born exist. God can’t say He knows them if they don’t. Regardless of their NEVER, possibly, having physical form. If only those who have physical form exist then where does that leave those who have died and no longer have a physical body? Where does that leave the angels who have no bodies, are never conceived or born and never die?

I know that some women are higher risk than others in pregnancy - that’s how life is - & some women come through it ok, but the ones who didn’t would not be posting about it on this forum for obvious reasons, so focusing on the success-against-the-odds stories is hardly likely to give an unbiased view, is it? Also, I have heard that doctors can at times be over-cautious about this & advise against pregnancy for somewhat lesser reasons so just to be extra clear I am talking about the cases of very severe risk to the life of the mother.

Well people don’t come on CAF to brag about their successful pregnancies, they come because they’re wanting to discuss matters Catholic - either to agree or disagree with them.

We have a fair sample of life-stories here, including, doubtless, those who have lost friends or loved ones in pregnancy and childbirth. And a fair number of critics as well, who abuse Catholicism for all sorts of reasons.

Interesting how few (in fact I can’t think of any) of them point to someone of their acquaintance who died because of their adherence to Church teaching on contraception - surely at least the anti-Catholics would do so if it were such a real risk?

And I come from a family chock-full of doctors - I know they are, to a man, far more conservative, cautious, and risk-averse than they used to be, for many different reasons. And that they were for the most part extremely conservative, cautious and risk averse to begin with.

So of course they’d rather, and almost certainly do, caution against pregnancy on health grounds even when total avoidance of pregnancy is not strictly necessary to cover themselves.

 

[mark_a]

Hi,

I’m having a real struggle at the moment with what I perceive to be harsh teaching by the Church. I’d really appreciate some insights… I just want to say first that I’m not trying to pick holes in anything & I know my viewpoint may appear very ignorant and uncatholic to some on here, so please bear with me

Basically regarding the teaching that contraception is a sin…
I do understand the basic reasons taught by the Church (I think) but I still have a problem because, despite what everyone says about NFP & its effectiveness I know for a fact that you can be practising NFP carefully & have quite a few ‘surprises’. I’ve even read stories on here from people totally stressed by a pregnancy they can’t handle.
Now these ‘surprises’ may be wonderful blessings from God… they are, I know that. But some couples just are not in a position to have a child. I’m talking about if they are truly poor for instance & can’t afford another mouth to feed, if there are some mental issues that would make parenting a child near-impossible, or if the mother had severe health issues meaning that she would not survive pregnancy & birth.

These situations may be at the extreme end but they do happen & if it was me, I just don’t know what I would do… Risk maybe leaving children I already had without a mother? Abstain from sex pretty much all the time & put a massive strain on my marriage? This is all hypothetical but it worries me a lot because I want to believe the Church’s teachings are perfect & that God is loving but I can’t reconcile this.

I mean, why does the church teach that using condoms for instance is a MORTAL sin? It’s not abortifacient in any way. And why is it ok to be sterilised (e.g. hysterectomy) if your organs are actually diseased but not if becoming pregnant would put your life severely at risk?

Thanks for your help.

You are correct. These are tough teachings.

Which to me testifies to their truth.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Before you were conceived you DID exist in the mind of God - have you never heard Him say so in scripture - ‘before I formed you in the womb I knew you’?

So yes, even the yet-to-be-born exist. God can’t say He knows them if they don’t. Regardless of their NEVER, possibly, having physical form. If only those who have physical form exist then where does that leave those who have died and no longer have a physical body? Where does that leave the angels who have no bodies, are never conceived or born and never die?

Well people don’t come on CAF to brag about their successful pregnancies, they come because they’re wanting to discuss matters Catholic - either to agree or disagree with them.

We have a fair sample of life-stories here, including, doubtless, those who have lost friends or loved ones in pregnancy and childbirth. And a fair number of critics as well, who abuse Catholicism for all sorts of reasons.

Interesting how few (in fact I can’t think of any) of them point to someone of their acquaintance who died because of their adherence to Church teaching on contraception - surely at least the anti-Catholics would do so if it were such a real risk?

And I come from a family chock-full of doctors - I know they are, to a man, far more conservative, cautious, and risk-averse than they used to be, for many different reasons. And that they were for the most part extremely conservative, cautious and risk averse to begin with.

So of course they’d rather, and almost certainly do, caution against pregnancy on health grounds even when total avoidance of pregnancy is not strictly necessary to cover themselves.

Ok Lily, I take your points. Although I still strongly disagree that people exist before conception. As far as I know, that goes against Catholic theology as well as common sense. God forms a whole new human soul at conception, I have never denied that, but I won’t put the date even earlier!
Anyway, you’ve given me a lot to think about and pray about, so thank you I’ve actually found this thread very helpful.
God bless!

 

[po18guy]

Thanks PO18guy… I will think & pray tonight about what you & the others on this thread have posted.
'Night (well, it is where I live )

I can only pray that there was some sense in there somewhere. If there was, praise the Holy Spirit!

 

[newbetx]

Howdy!

Hi,

I’m having a real struggle at the moment with what I perceive to be harsh teaching by the Church. I’d really appreciate some insights… I just want to say first that I’m not trying to pick holes in anything & I know my viewpoint may appear very ignorant and uncatholic to some on here, so please bear with me
Hey, I know ignorance. I learn more about mine everyday. Honest. I thought the same thing for many years. No problem. Finally someone got me thinking straight on this subject.

Basically regarding the teaching that contraception is a sin…
I do understand the basic reasons taught by the Church (I think) but I still have a problem because, despite what everyone says about NFP & its effectiveness I know for a fact that you can be practising NFP carefully & have quite a few ‘surprises’. Depends on how carefully. Many post here that they’ve followed NFP methods to avoid for ten years! And some have been trying for that long and, well, nothing yet. YOUR fertility is what you should be worried about. Not others.

I’ve even read stories on here from people totally stressed by a pregnancy they can’t handle.
Now these ‘surprises’ may be wonderful blessings from God… they are, I know that. But some couples just are not in a position to have a child.
Can we talk about your situation? Assuming you have normal fertility, NFP should work for you.
I’m talking about if they are truly poor for instance & can’t afford another mouth to feed, if there are some mental issues that would make parenting a child near-impossible, or
Never impossible. Difficult, yes. But not impossible. They have options, too. Adoption, government assistance, church assistance. In the civilized world there is no reason to believe you will starve to death because of another child.

if the mother had severe health issues meaning that she would not survive pregnancy & birth.
There are those here that are in that position and using NFP to avoid. And there is always abstinence. This has been found to be 100% effective for centuries!

These situations may be at the extreme end but they do happen & if it was me, I just don’t know what I would do… Risk maybe leaving children I already had without a mother? Abstain from sex pretty much all the time & put a massive strain on my marriage?
OK, here’s the gotcha. People live without sex. Yes. Long lives. Some are married, too!. If your husband really loved you and the fact that sex and the resulting pregnancy would kill you, would he want to have sex with you or find other ways to show that love? If one REQUIRES SEX in these extreme circumstances as a basis of the marriage it is false love.

This is all hypothetical but it worries me a lot because I want to believe the Church’s teachings are perfect & that God is loving but I can’t reconcile this.
Many people can’t. You are not alone in this. Other posters are agreeing with you and some have left the faith because of it. It doesn’t change anything for them but they feel better about it.
I mean, why does the church teach that using condoms for instance is a MORTAL sin? It’s not abortifacient in any way. And why is it ok to be sterilised (e.g. hysterectomy) if your organs are actually diseased but not if becoming pregnant would put your life severely at risk?
Any medical proceedure that is required to save the life of the couple is indeed, fine ,if the side effect is becoming infertile. But to take this on yourself even temporarily for the purpose of frustrating the fertility is what makes it a sin. At that point sex becomes an act of selfishness and not of God inspired love. Abstinece is the preferred, natural, loving sacrafice to make. Periodic abstinence is “the best of both worlds.”
Thanks for your help.

The great thing about it all is that you have a choice. And when it comes to God, sometimes the choices are not the most pleasurable. Everyone has a choice to live in a proper chaste marriage or not. You know the rules and some of the why’s behind them now. It’s up to you to learn the rest and contemplate them. Theology of the Body answers most of these questions. I urge you learn about it and consider what kind of married life you want to lead.

Peace to you.