Struggling with Faith, I need urgent help

[TheSadChristian]

Hi everyone!
I was baptized Catholic, but I never went to a Catholic parish when I was a kid because I had hagiophobia, so my mom (she was a practicing Protestant at that time) and I went to Protestant churches, and I was very faithfull.
When I was 12 my hagiophobia went worse and I started developing scrupulosity and intrusive thoughts. Sadly, I turned atheist.
Recently, a former friend of mine told me about the Catholic Church.
So I decided to try, because I thought that maybe God indeed existed and was calling me back to Him.
I became a Christian again.
Sadly, the intrusive thoughts and scrupulosity came back stronger than ever, my grades dropped and my anxiety was unbearable. The kind of intrusive thoughts were of the most horrible and sacrilegous kind, lasting long periods of time. I went to my psychologist and my spiritual director but it turned worse. I couldn’t sleep, and started losing weight.
Finally I developed an insane worry because almost everyone I know is in state of mortal sin, and don’t take God seriously. They have the “once saved, always saved” mindset and they understand the gospel erroneously (the believe in the prosperity gospel). I don’t want them to go to hell. Verses such as: Matthew 10:37-39, or Revelation 3:16 are telling me that my family is in risk of damnation (they are lukewarm Christians) and it is difficult to me to love Jesus more than my own life and family. I prayed for more charity, but the acedia didn’t quit, it grew instead.
Then I saw that the only option to grow im holyness is becoming a monk (as a layman is impossible, everyone is starting to think of me as a zealot, even my mom is rejecting me, I have endured all of this for Christ, but I think it is unfair), but I’m afraid because I have serious doubts about the divinity of Him (Jesus) (I don’t want these thoughts, they come spontaneously). So my questions are:
1- Is it necessary for every Christian to literally lose everything for Jesus?
2-What is the exact meaning of worldliness? God said that everything He created was good, but in some ways I think he is restricting us of enjoying His creation because if we are attached to His creatures we are not loving Him enough, I need a clarification in this.
3-I have the probably incorrect notion that being a good Christian (like the Saints) is a form of self-torture and it is somewhat unhealthy (St. Angela of Foligno ate pus from the sores of the sick because she said it was as tasty as the Eucharist, denoting a expression of charity). We are required to grow undefinedly in charity, but to which extremes? How can I discern holiness from mental disorders (Sorry if it sounds rude, it is not my intention, it is a sincere question, I hope it doesn’t offend anyone).
4-I’m having trouble understanding why God want us to suffer so much to be one with Him.
5-Why would He give us the responsability of choosing our fate (Heaven/Hell) when we are so dumb and unconscious? Our eternal destiny is not very evident.

I don’t want to stop loving Him, but I have a distorted image of Him, sadly.
Thanks for the answers.

 

[halogirl]

Try to start going to mass. Think about some counselling with the help of your mom. You are loved beyond measure xx. Cast your cares upon the Lord He has promised to do this for you xxn

 

[halogirl]

Just say an Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be. Dear lord please help this your child calm them and fill them with the Peace of God Amen xx

 

[TheSadChristian]

I love to go to Mass. But remember, I have hagiophobia and intrusive thoughts, it is a bit difgicult for me.

 

[halogirl]

st Michael pray for us protect us from intrusive thoughts

 

[theCardinalbird]

I love to go to Mass. But remember, I have hagiophobia and intrusive thoughts, it is a bit difgicult for me.

Perhaps speak to a trusted therapist and priest?

 

[TheSadChristian]

I did it, but the therapy was unsuccesful

 

[theCardinalbird]

I did it, but the therapy was unsuccesful

What about a Catholic priest? Perhaps ask him?

 

[stuartbrianhenlis]

Sad,

Firstly, what is hagiophobia? It’s not in the dictionary,
secondly, have you tried to see another therapist? It’s good that you know what you’re dealing with, that’s half the battle. Don’t give up!!! Keep on helping yourself!

I’m in your corner!

 

[whichwaytogo47]

hagiophobia

It’s an intense fear of holiness. I’d suggest watching mass on EWTN. That said, I’d maybe seek a different therapist to explore different therapy avenues (there are many different types of psychotherapy). And since you’re a minor, it would need to be a therapist that had the consent of your parents.

(edited because of the suggestions of gertabelle.

 

[Gertabelle]

@TheSadChristian, it sounds like you’ve got a whole lot of problems that need to be addressed. You have taken vary particular passages of scripture as literal and absolute, and it seems to be affecting not only your spiritual health, but you mental health as well.

If you have a phobia that is deeply impacting your life, you need to address that with a professional, not seek help from strangers on the internet.

 

[whichwaytogo47]

If you have a phobia that is deeply impacting your life, you need to address that with a professional, not seek help from strangers on the internet.

+1. That’s very true. We don’t know your situation or the credentials. The only thing we can say is what might have worked for us, but cannot really comment on what works for you. I personally like therapists that know CBT/DBT well, but that doesn’t mean it applies to you.

 

[Gertabelle]

Gertabelle:

If you have a phobia that is deeply impacting your life, you need to address that with a professional, not seek help from strangers on the internet.

+1. That’s very true. That said, it does have to be the right type of help. Even CBT may be insufficient and sad may need to have DBT which is intensive therapy multiple times a week.

That’s for the OP and his/her family to figure out, not for us. :+1:t4:

 

[whichwaytogo47]

True, again I agree. But oftentimes, people do struggle in therapy for years because they go to the wrong person again and again. He admitted that therapy was unsuccessful so if his family agrees, they need to try someone else. I’m only going off the words of the OP, not my personal opinion.

Not everyone matches well to their therapist. But with that said, the OP needs to try another one as the OP needs help even if the last one apparently didn’t work.

 

[Gertabelle]

Fair enough. Then you should recommend the OP seek a new therapist, not discuss what sorts of therapy he or she might seek.

Well, that’s my personal opinion on CAF’s rules about giving medical advice.

 

[ConcernedConvert]

Just a thought… many if not most phobias and anxieties can be dealt with by using what is called exposure therapy. Have a safety net with you, family, friends, favorite book, or some form of distraction, and then start exposing yourself to some of your fears.
I know it may be scary for you, but you need to start moving towards going to mass.

 

[Roguish]

1- Is it necessary for every Christian to literally lose everything for Jesus?

You must ultimately lose everything that God never intended for you to have in the first place. In the modern world, that is nearly everything, but not natural things such as your physical health. Note though that losing everything isn’t a “decision” that you have to make. It is a gradual process that God will guide you through if you remain committed to Him in faith.

2-What is the exact meaning of worldliness? God said that everything He created was good, but in some ways I think he is restricting us of enjoying His creation because if we are attached to His creatures we are not loving Him enough, I need a clarification in this.

Worldliness is attachment to the things and experiences invented by men. Indeed everything that God created was (and is) good, but man is not enjoying God’s Creation as it was created. Man is exploiting it, twisting it, perverting it, and enjoying the results of all of that, rather than enjoying Original Creation.

3-I have the probably incorrect notion that being a good Christian (like the Saints) is a form of self-torture and it is somewhat unhealthy (St. Angela of Foligno ate pus from the sores of the sick because she said it was as tasty as the Eucharist, denoting a expression of charity).

To others, including many Christians, the life path of someone who is unrelenting in their religious commitment will indeed appear to be self-torture, and will indeed be considered “unhealthy” by those others. In truth however, it is not self-torture and it is not unhealthy. It is a cleansing process, and it will ultimately result in the Greatest Boon. Others, however, will not see this, not even when the Boon is realized (which is after death). In the modern world, the totally religious person will inevitably perceived as a “fool” except by those who pursue the same path.

Having said that, don’t look for more suffering than what comes to you from walking your Walk with God. It will be plenty. So while I do not wish to question St. Angela’s holiness, I don’t recommend following her example.

We are required to grow undefinedly in charity, but to which extremes?

Charity is misunderstood. God does not ask us to go running around trying to find others to help. Just be compassionate when the occasion arises, that is enough. Don’t turn altruism into a career, a goal, or a yardstick. This is a very common mistake among mainstream Christians.

(3,200 characters; continued in next post)

 

[Roguish]

(continued from previous post)

How can I discern holiness from mental disorders

Many of the behaviors and personality traits of famous saints would be considered mental disorders by modern psychiatry. Understand that mainstream psychiatry is utterly secular in its approach and does not acknowledge the religious world-view as truly valid. From the point of view of mainstream psychiatry, religion is at best an “interesting mental phenomenon”, to be tolerated if it appears to be “helping the patient” and to be frowned upon if it seems to cause him or her stress or suffering. In short, mainstream psychiatry and religion are largely incompatible. If nevertheless you believe you are in need of psychiatric help, do what you can to find a psych or therapist who is at least a true believer. Be very wary of non-believing psychs, because they simply will not be able to put your mental difficulties (e.g. scrupulosity) in the right (religious) perspective.

4-I’m having trouble understanding why God want us to suffer so much to be one with Him.

God originally never wanted us to suffer, and in a way He still doesn’t. However, with the Fall (original sin) a sort-of negative feedback mechanism was put in place that will pile more and more suffering on a human being the more he or she deviates from God’s Will. The suffering thus serves to lead one back to the Right Path. However, the situation is even more complicated in the modern world, because the modern world attempts to prevent this God-given suffering from occurring. On the religious path an increase in suffering is sometimes actually healthy. But non-religious people (including many psychiatrists, as mentioned above) or half-hearted religious people (e.g. prosperity-gospel believers) cannot understand this and will recommend you to steer away from your suffering. What you need is a religious perspective on your suffering, which includes an understanding of the difference between God-given suffering and suffering that results from the world trying to force you to adapt to its ways.

5-Why would He give us the responsability of choosing our fate (Heaven/Hell) when we are so dumb and unconscious? Our eternal destiny is not very evident.

We created the problem of this responsibility, not God. The “dumb and unconscious” state that characterizes us now has come about because since the Fall we have gone further and further down the wrong path. We weren’t so dumb and unconscious before, not even after the Fall, but we’re getting worse and worse. As for our eternal destiny, it is quite evident: either commit to Faith at all cost and despite whatever suffering may come, and thus work your own Salvation; or, join the crowd in leading a comfy life, and thus go down the road to Perdition.

 

[TheSadChristian]

Thank you very much. I

 

[TheSadChristian]

Now I understand better.
I was not saying that to be holy is to be crazy. I couldn’t understand her specific manner to show charity, but I’m no one to judge.
Thank you very much. You have helped me a lot