Struggling with non Catholic wife over Mass attendance and work

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Yeoman said:
As usual, in my rare posts, I’m not certain I’m posting to the right category. My apologies if I am not.

This will be a rambling post. But it is all related.

I’m Catholic and my wife is not. We’ve been married for a long time and my two very Catholic children are now 16 and 19. I’ve been very happy with how the children have turned out.

What I’m disappointed in is sort of two fold, those being 1) my occupation (yes this is sort of related and 2) my inability to make much of an impact with my wife in terms of Faith. I’m going to start with that one first.

My wife is a Christian, but she isn’t attended Mass with us. When we were first married she’d attend occasionally, but rarely, which is now also the case. When our kids were born and small, she attended regularly and was very involved with their First Communions and Confirmations. Not really having a denomination of her own, and being very involved, I’m sure that the assumption most people would have made was that she was Catholic except she did not go to Communion. She even briefly taught at our local Catholic school. After the kids were confirmed she dropped back off.

What her usual excuse is that she’s “tired” on Sunday mornings but efforts to get her to go on Saturday nights are rarely successful. It isn’t as if we’re bad examples (I think) in the household. The rest of us go. And I’m a sufficiently good amateur apologist that I was able to help a lapsed Catholic return to the Faith and watch him become a great apologist.

I really worry about this as I feel that God will hold me accountable for my failures with my wife.

Coming on to point number 1 (and these are related), my mother died nearly a year ago. It was a long hard struggle, but as it was occurring, given what it meant, I promised myself that when she died I’d quit my current hard stressful job I don’t like. We’d have the adequate resources, in my view, to do that, even though it’d depress our income about 50%. I didn’t do that, however, as I’m apparently one of those people who can’t quit a thing and secondly it panics my wife. Maybe her fears are legitimate, but maybe its because any change in routine and circumstances scare her to death. I’m tired, however. That is, I’m physically tired and mentally tired and I want to quit.

This last Sunday I woke my wife up in time for morning Mass as usual My daughter was a sever and I was a lector. As usual, she was tired. I’d had enough and stated that I’m tired every morning and I think its just not important to her. My work is no longer important to me, and I said I’d follow her lead on being “tired” and not carrying on with a thing.

Later, as it turned out, that very morning my daughter lectured her before Mass as my daughter had (unbeknownst to me) secured a promise from her some time ago that she’d starting going to Mass and the promise is broken.

She appeared shook up all day long. Maybe something had an impact.

So, after all that, my query:

I’m really tempted to tell my employer I’m done. I no longer believe there’s any chance I can get my wife to attend regularly and I’m tired of killing myself at work due to her fears?

Am I being an idiot?

What am I missing here?
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it’s not going to be any use even if she went to mass with you. not if she feels forced to go and doesn’t really want to be there.

a true conversion is when a person falls in love with God and wants to follow him. you don’t just become catholic to please your husband/wife/in-laws/frients, whatever. that’s completely missing the point.

pray for her, if there are other parish events that happen at your church, maybe she would like to go to those instead.

have you ever had a talk with her about why she feels like she doen’st want to be catholic? I’m sure she has her reasons.

as for your job, it’s not good to feel stressed at your workplace all the time, I would think. maybe discuss with your wife about finding another job. and actually get one before you quit the old one
 
I agree that these are separate issues. I also have a non-Catholic husband and I have to accept that I will never be able to nag him into a Catholic faith (or anything :p). Set a good example and focus on the good, that she has brought up your children in the faith.

As for your job, I can relate to it getting so bad you want to quit. I would try to come up with a plan, what other jobs could you do? How is the budget? The situation may seem less stressful if you make an informed decision. You need money but it isn’t everything in life and your health and wellbeing do matter.

Finally could your wife be stressed? She sounds like something is draining her and I think you should lay off the pressure for a bit and try and encourage her to confide in you.
 
Stop bugging your wife; she really means that she is tired of you all nagging her to go to Mass with you. No more lectures please from well meaning teenagers; she must feel like you are all ganging up on her. God will hold you responsible for raising your children Catholic (which you did 👍), not your wife. Give her a chance to think things over for herself and come to her own conclusion about what church she should attend on Sunday morning. It sounds like intellectually she has accepted Catholicism, but needs some time and space for the emotional to catch up. This is a job for the Holy Spirit; back off from trying to get her to go to Mass with you and pray, pray, pray. You don’t say how old you are, but is it possible for you to get early retirement from your job? If you can retire now or in a couple of years, you could still work somewhere part time or maybe do some volunteer work that you find more rewarding. Quitting your job will change everything about your life now and your wife may find that unknown really scary, especially since the children are getting older and will be leaving home in a few years; she might be wondering where her place in the family will be after that. I think you have a strong, close family relationship and you can work it all out. :yup:
 
OP, I’m still struggling to figure out how your desire to quit your job relates to your wife’s Mass attendance. Do you think it’s possible you’re just having a bit of a mid-life crisis about your job, possibly triggered by the loss of your mom?

In any case, I would strongly advise you to really think through that. A 50% pay cut is nothing to sneeze at, especially when you have kids. If you do decide to quit, make sure you have something else adequate lined up first.
 
OP, it sounds like you have an unhealthy control struggle going on in your family. Please seek counseling before this destroys your family.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
OP, I’m still struggling to figure out how your desire to quit your job relates to your wife’s Mass attendance. Do you think it’s possible you’re just having a bit of a mid-life crisis about your job, possibly triggered by the loss of your mom?

In any case, I would strongly advise you to really think through that. A 50% pay cut is nothing to sneeze at, especially when you have kids. If you do decide to quit, make sure you have something else adequate lined up first.
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Thanks (and to all the other posters as well). I agree that the linking isn’t rational, it’s probably just a matter of frustration in general.

What some of this likely gets to is that I’ve retained a job I really don’t like for our entire married life, as it was really stable and pays well. For some weird reason, in the past few years, my work load in this job has grossly expanded to where its now really hard to get everything done I need to, even working six days a week, and its miserable. But I have nobody to talk to about this as I can’t talk to anyone about it at work, for obvious reasons, and the one person in the world I’d like to talk to about it simply refuses to do so. To my wife, and I guess this is common in this field, its always “everything will be okay”, or “I dn’t want to talk about it right now”.

Yesterday, for example, after a really frustrating day in which I ended up working from 7 in the morning to about 7 at night, I tried to bring up the work load and simply got a reply from her that I just don’t want to do the work and therefore I’m doing it inefficiently.

It’s hard to get through in general on things like this, as this conversation is one I can’t have. But its really frustrating to be faced with a person who absolutely believes that if I quit my job its a massive disaster, but who at the same time doesn’t really believe anything I have to say about it being too burdensome. That’s undoubtedly warping things in my mind.

After reading the many comments here I think my only solution is to keep bearing it and to basically give up on the Sunday Mass issue. A cross to bear.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
OP, it sounds like you have an unhealthy control struggle going on in your family. Please seek counseling before this destroys your family.
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One thing I’d note (and I think that I’ve likely taken this as far as I can, and I appreciate all the responses I’ve received) is that when people commonly say “seek counseling” the presumption is that everyone lives where this is possible. They really don’t.

Where I live, the only people I could seek counseling from would be physicians, and I already am working for any of them I’d trust and know all their secrets and problems. Nobody wants somebody they’re relying on to come to them with complaints about their work.

Social counselors here would give me one single piece of advice without doubt. None of them are Catholic and they’d all just say that the solution is to get a divorce, which I will not do and will not entertain. That’s what they’d say.

The only reason I note this is that its’ such a common response. But counselors here will send people to divorce court, and the number of physicians isn’t large.

My priest may be my only option actually. And perhaps that is how things really should be.
 
Yeoman said:
One thing I’d note (and I think that I’ve likely taken this as far as I can, and I appreciate all the responses I’ve received) is that when people commonly say “seek counseling” the presumption is that everyone lives where this is possible. They really don’t.

Where I live, the only people I could seek counseling from would be physicians, and I already am working for any of them I’d trust and know all their secrets and problems. Nobody wants somebody they’re relying on to come to them with complaints about their work.

Social counselors here would give me one single piece of advice without doubt. None of them are Catholic and they’d all just say that the solution is to get a divorce, which I will not do and will not entertain. That’s what they’d say.

The only reason I note this is that its’ such a common response. But counselors here will send people to divorce court, and the number of physicians isn’t large.

My priest may be my only option actually. And perhaps that is how things really should be.
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There’s also Skype or phone counseling.
 
I agree with the others who said to back off on getting her to go to Mass with you. She isn’t likely to go because you keep asking her, etc. When my husband was emailing me and articles and trying to get me to convert, I told him to cut it out. When we met with the parish pastor just to discuss some random questions we had, I made mention of him trying to get me to convert. Even Father told him to just let it be and that I would come around when I was ready, etc. All that to say that it didn’t take long before I was ready. God was pushing me towards the Catholic faith. Don’t know if the same will happen with your wife or not.

As for your job, I’m assuming you are the breadwinner in the family. If so, that makes it difficult to quit your stressful job. Try looking for a less stressful job. The best time to look for a job is when one is employed. Network with your friends, church, etc. and see what leads you can come up with. Go through a budget with your wife and see how much of a pay cut that would may be able to take, if it came down to that.

Also, I don’t see how the two issues you have outlined are related, other than you both being “tired.” I don’t think going toe to toe on it is going to help any.

I think you need to find common ground with your wife and go from there. You are both Christian, so maybe you can suggest that the two of you could start praying together at night before bed? Or maybe before dinner?
 
OP, suppose you were to approach your wife some time when she’s relaxed and in a good mood (not Sunday morning - ha!) and say to her, “I have something really important to discuss with you. Can I take you out to dinner some day this week so we can have a private conversation?”

You get to the restaurant, you order nice wine, and in the calmest manner possible you say to her, “I know this is going to be difficult for you to hear. I know it scares you. But this job is killing me and I really need you to help me brainstorm ways that we can fix this together, because I feel like I’m drowning.” Ask for her help. Ask for her compassion and support. Ask her for advice. Don’t mention the words ‘Catholic’ or ‘Mass’ at all. Not once. This is about a husband who is suffering and needs the love and understanding of his wife.

I’m a wife and I can certainly understand the panic that your wife might be experiencing when you tell her you want to quit your job. I would be terrified and extremely anxious if my husband said that to me; as he is the sole breadwinner and we have three children. But I also love my husband, and I don’t want him to be miserable. I would want to help him come up with alternatives.

Maybe you can brainstorm an exit strategy somehow. She needs to know how miserable you are and the only way you can convey that is by talking about it with her while also remaining sympathetic to her legitimate need for security. It doesn’t have to be “quit my job tomorrow” or “keep a job I despise until I retire.”
 
What some of this likely gets to is that I’ve retained a job I really don’t like for our entire married life, as it was really stable and pays well. For some weird reason, in the past few years, my work load in this job has grossly expanded to where its now really hard to get everything done I need to, even working six days a week, and its miserable.
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Couple of things - First, if you aren’t on an exercise regimen, you need to be on one. Walk the dog around the block. Go ride a bike. Join a gym. Hit the rowing machine. Swim laps. You need to keep yourself healthy.

Secondly, when things are really stressful at work, step up your prayer life. Find an early Mass in the mornings and start going every day. Daily Mass will work wonders for your stress levels.

Lastly, while a safe, secure job may have made sense years ago, you are older now and perhaps more financially secure. It sounds like you could potentially look at a less secure job that has better upside. Maybe joining a young start-up that could use some wise elders. You get the idea. A job hunt is a long process. Study. Research. Read. Work with recruiters. Hire a career coach. Get creative. With the Internet, you can do a ton of research online on companies and career options.

Jobs change. Especially lately, a lot of employers would rather dump more work on existing employees than make a new hire. It’s the reality right now. Deal with it creatively. Just because it was a good job years ago, it’s time to look anew at other options.
But I have nobody to talk to about this as I can’t talk to anyone about it at work, for obvious reasons, and the one person in the world I’d like to talk to about it simply refuses to do so. To my wife, and I guess this is common in this field, its always “everything will be okay”, or “I dn’t want to talk about it right now”.
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Yesterday, for example, after a really frustrating day in which I ended up working from 7 in the morning to about 7 at night, I tried to bring up the work load and simply got a reply from her that I just don’t want to do the work and therefore I’m doing it inefficiently.
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Your wife isn’t always the best sounding board. You need a group of guy friends where you can vent. Not drinking or getting high, but perhaps a group like the Knights of Columbus, a trade association, a local charity. Good connections. Like-minded men. A way to associate with others with similar values. It could lead to more doors being opened down the road, and, at a minimum, give you an outlet to get some feedback from grown men instead of venting with the wife.

The more you vent your frustrations with your wife, the more friction and fuel for the fire you are adding to the relationship.
 
Full disclosure I have not most of the comments, that said: You married a non-Catholic. If Catholicism in a spouse was important you should have married a woman who shares your faith. It is supremely unfair for you to badger your wife into practicing a faith you KNEW she did not practice. From the original post it seems that she did not protest to you raising the children Catholic and even attended Mass until they were older had taken sacraments. Guess what she has met her obligation as the Non-Catholic spouse.
 
StGerardMajella said:
Couple of things - First, if you aren’t on an exercise regimen, you need to be on one. Walk the dog around the block. Go ride a bike. Join a gym. Hit the rowing machine. Swim laps. You need to keep yourself healthy.

Secondly, when things are really stressful at work, step up your prayer life. Find an early Mass in the mornings and start going every day. Daily Mass will work wonders for your stress levels.

Lastly, while a safe, secure job may have made sense years ago, you are older now and perhaps more financially secure. It sounds like you could potentially look at a less secure job that has better upside. Maybe joining a young start-up that could use some wise elders. You get the idea. A job hunt is a long process. Study. Research. Read. Work with recruiters. Hire a career coach. Get creative. With the Internet, you can do a ton of research online on companies and career options.

Jobs change. Especially lately, a lot of employers would rather dump more work on existing employees than make a new hire. It’s the reality right now. Deal with it creatively. Just because it was a good job years ago, it’s time to look anew at other options.

Your wife isn’t always the best sounding board. You need a group of guy friends where you can vent. Not drinking or getting high, but perhaps a group like the Knights of Columbus, a trade association, a local charity. Good connections. Like-minded men. A way to associate with others with similar values. It could lead to more doors being opened down the road, and, at a minimum, give you an outlet to get some feedback from grown men instead of venting with the wife.

The more you vent your frustrations with your wife, the more friction and fuel for the fire you are adding to the relationship.
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Excellent suggestions, thanks! Although I’ll actually have to walk the cat, no dog.
 
All good advice in this thread.

But I have a stupid question, have you tried offering to go to the 5:30pm Saturday or Sunday Mass? Maybe she’s not a morning person.
 
Your wife isn’t Catholic. You should have no expectation that she participate in your Catholic faith. If she does, and you like it, you should consider it gravy. There is no quicker way to make someone dislike your religion (and in some cases, you) than trying to force it on them. Additionally, you should council your daughter that it is inappropriate for her to admonish her mother in this way. Love your wife for who she is today. You have been married a long time. Maybe saying “I’m tired” is her way of saying “I’m not interested”, but she doesn’t want to either argue with you or hurt your feelings.
 
Thanks for all the many replies, I think we have this more or less handled. I’m just not going to bother her with it and she’s struggling with a lot of things right now and that’s part of it. Prayer and example will be the silent forces at work here from now on this topic, and I’m trying not to bother her with the stress of my occupation.
 
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