Struggling with Sex - Question

[Black_Jaque]

I have started praying the liturgy of the hours night prayers now Will possible branch out to the evening prayers too.

Do you fast?

I highly recommend it.

 

[stadre]

We use the Billings Ovulation Method, it tracks mucus. My wife’s cycle is a bit irregular, but we find it quite effective.
We do it like this:
Red sticker is when her flow starts. After that it’s green untill the mucus changes to slippery. Then it’s “hands off” so to speak untill after ovulation. After voulation you count 3 non-slippery mucus days and then it’s green again, untill the next flow
Lately there are only about 2 days between red stickers and the start of the sticky mucus. And after the ovulation, there is about maybe 1 week, probably a bit less before the flow starts. This late time slot usually goes hand-in-hand with headaches with her, I think it may be hormone related, leaving precious little time to be intimate.

As a teacher of Creighton (which is very similar), I have a couple of thoughts. First of all, after her heavy/moderate flow, does she have some “dry” days while still bleeding? If it is light flow and dry, those days may be able to be used as well. Check with your instructor. Also, she should have her hormone levels checked, preferably by an NFP only doctor. It sounds like she may have some low hormone levels (short post-ovulation phase/PMS).

 

[StephanieC]

You don’t have to respond to this, but may I suggest that (if this is the case) you not wait til the evening to make love?

We mommies of toddlers often start the day with the best of intentions of having a romantic evening with our husbands…but no matter how sincerely we want to follow through, by the time Jr.'s bedtime rolls around, so has ours!

Plan some fun for Jr.'s naptime.

If that’s not an option, are there things you could be doing to help free up her mind/body for romance? Can you do Jr.'s bedtime while she freshens up? Ask her what she feels like she needs to get done that day–the list is probably much longer than you realize–and is what is weighing on her mind around the time you’re thinking “Maybe we can…you know…” & it (physical intimacy) is not even on her radar.

As for her feeling like intimacy is “wrong” since becoming a Catholic…that worries me, and might be something for you both to discuss together with a priest or Catholic counselor.

 

[PennitentMan]

Thank you so much for all the replies, advice and active roll in my concern guys! You are all wonderfull, I’m so glad I found this forum!

Even if it is just to get it off my chest, you have been a great help! And all the advice on top of that!

Thanks a bunch guys!

In Christ,
PM

 

[Ray_Scheel]

A few posts back, stadre mentioned asking your instructor. I wanted to folow up on that - if you were self taught, take an NFP class or lookinto distance education, it sounds like your situation would benefit from some personal guidance from an instructor, and I woudl be tempted to suggest oneo f the more rigorous methods (e.g. Creighton or CCL) to try to get more usable days.

You might alos suggest that your wife start participating in someof the NFP-oriented communities, like the one
at forums.delphiforums.com/nfptalk/start so she can interact with a group (predominately Catholic women) that see the marital union as very right as part of a healthy relationship with their spouse.

 

[PennitentMan]

A few posts back, stadre mentioned asking your instructor. I wanted to folow up on that - if you were self taught, take an NFP class or lookinto distance education, it sounds like your situation would benefit from some personal guidance from an instructor, and I woudl be tempted to suggest oneo f the more rigorous methods (e.g. Creighton or CCL) to try to get more usable days.

You might alos suggest that your wife start participating in someof the NFP-oriented communities, like the one
at forums.delphiforums.com/nfptalk/start so she can interact with a group (predominately Catholic women) that see the marital union as very right as part of a healthy relationship with their spouse.

Thanks, we were taught, we went to classes and they were quite thorough, but I may mention a “refresher course” on that.
We do not have an instructor so we’d have to find out where they do the classes and speak to them.

We have had only plesant experiences with Billings though, but I like the idea of more usable days…

I’ll also try to work the NFP-communities into a converation and see if she is up for that, thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut!

In Christ, PM

 

[sfj1]

Maybe you are trying too hard ?
May I suggest , Grandma or someone take the kids when the time is right. Unplug the phone and put on romantic music.
Night time isn’t the only time either.
Some times early morning is great .

 

[PennitentMan]

Maybe you are trying too hard ?
May I suggest , Grandma or someone take the kids when the time is right. Unplug the phone and put on romantic music.
Night time isn’t the only time either.
Some times early morning is great .

Thanks, that is definately a possibility! I’ll have to keep that in mind and see if I can put that into practice.

In Christ,
PM

 

[LittleRose]

I would also suggest reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, either separately or together. It could be it will help you to understand what you can do to make your wife feel especially loved. On our engaged encounter they used some of the concepts from the book, and it helped us to understand each other better.

I know you posted earlier that you help out around the house, make her tea, rub her back, etc. which are all wonderful things that many wives can only wish their husbands would do for them. My husband does a lot of sweet things for me, but there are certain ones I notice more than others, and those tend to be the ones that make me feel more attraced to him. They tend to be a little different for every person.

You also mentioned she gets headaches during the last week before her period. Many women get migraines as part of their PMS. She should speak to a Doctor to see if that is what she is getting, and to explore treatment options, if only for her own general comfort.

 

[AirForceMama]

I would also suggest reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, either separately or together. It could be it will help you to understand what you can do to make your wife feel especially loved.

I second this book. It can give GREAT insight for both of you. You need to BOTH get your love tanks full There is a man’s version of this as well. I bought a copy for my husband, and we’ve seemed much more in tune with each other since reading it a few years ago.

 

[PennitentMan]

I would also suggest reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, either separately or together. It could be it will help you to understand what you can do to make your wife feel especially loved. On our engaged encounter they used some of the concepts from the book, and it helped us to understand each other better.

I know you posted earlier that you help out around the house, make her tea, rub her back, etc. which are all wonderful things that many wives can only wish their husbands would do for them. My husband does a lot of sweet things for me, but there are certain ones I notice more than others, and those tend to be the ones that make me feel more attraced to him. They tend to be a little different for every person.

You also mentioned she gets headaches during the last week before her period. Many women get migraines as part of their PMS. She should speak to a Doctor to see if that is what she is getting, and to explore treatment options, if only for her own general comfort.

Thank you, that’s great, i’ll definately have to look into that!

In Christ,
PM

 

[mariam1976]

another thing could be that you are a perfectionist… so she gets so stressed out doing everything right that she does not have the energy for anything else…
dont know if you are that kind of person but just speaking from personal experience!!!

 

[PennitentMan]

another thing could be that you are a perfectionist… so she gets so stressed out doing everything right that she does not have the energy for anything else…
dont know if you are that kind of person but just speaking from personal experience!!!

Naw, certainly not a perfectionist…she’s probably more one than I am.

 

[Jennifer_J]

You and she might want to check out the book Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn Shannon available through the Couple to Couple League (ccli.org) . It might help make her cycles more regular and get rid of those headaches (and pms), just by adjusting her diet and adding some vitamins.

I will also add, I’m one of those women who has a lower drive than her dh. I have to remind myself of the Chruch’s views about marital relations and the renewal of our marriage vows when we engage in the act. It’s the only way I’m able to put my selfish “no” aside and say “yes” to my dh when I would rather sleep. I must say, we have 5 children so the chances for the marital embrace are trickier to find, lol, but when the chance occurs, my dh is usually able to convince me, as well…

God bless,
Jennifer

 

[LovedForever]

You sound like an incredibly wonderful young man and husband! God Bless you!

Your angst is certainly understandable!
God made young men the way he made them - with a high libido and a physical need for sexual release far more often than a woman. That is just a fact. You should not feel guilty whatsoever for having the feelings and struggles that you do.

I think you hit on the head the root of the problem in your first post. That your wife is “shy” and feels sex is somehow “wrong.”
PLEASE - do not underestimate this. Because this is what is causing her to be an “avoider.” She is finding many excuses to avoid having sex because her perspective on it is skewed. (Headaches, fatigue…)
Trust me - I’ve been there and I know!

As fast as you can please get her a copy of Christopher West’s “Theology of the Body” and some audio tapes if you can. This will help her realize that sex is not only NOT “wrong” - it is beautiful and wonderful and designed by God! It is SUPPOSED to feel good! It should be intimate and fun and something to look forward to (to first of all please and love your spouse - what a motivator that is for two people who LOVE each other! )
God designed it this way. The “two become one flesh” in order to bind you closer together. Of course you will desire each other. Both physically and emotionally. THIS is what it is supposed to do.

Another really great book is Dr. Laura’s book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” I highly recommend in your situation to also buy her a copy of this book. Read it yourself too. It is an eye opener and has changed thousands and thousands of marriages.

Lastly, without sounding too harsh - Does your wife know that refusing the marital embrace is a mortal sin? Fatigue doesn’t cut it. Headaches don’t cut it (as a priest once said, perhaps it was on this forum in fact - “Take an aspirin!” … Unless it’s a severe one of course like a migraine)
So she unknowingly has it backwards: It’s not the sex that’s wrong - it’s the refusal to engage in it with a loving spouse when requested.

You will be in many prayers! God Bless both you and your wife! Do not give up. God will heal this area of your marriage. Trust in Him.

 

[PennitentMan]

Thank you LF for the great post, I’ll note that book down and see if I can find it.

In Christ,
PM

 

[crosstimbers]

I admire your courage for even asking the questions!
I well remember as a young mother, how tired I was at the end of the day. But it was different than the “tired” I felt in the workforce. A mom is often “touch” fatiqued and “needs” fatiqued. All day long, you have children needing to be held, wiped, etc, so that by the end of the day you just need a break from physical contact. This is even more pronounced if you are breastfeeding. Add to that, you spend all day also meeting the constant needs of a child/children, always with your “radar” on trying to be aware of where they are and what they are doing. So if your husband is also asking you to meet HIS needs when you need a break…well there is the conflict. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it is right to ignore your husbands needs. I’m just offering an explanation from my experience. Personally, I always found Sunday afternoons to be an optimal time. Naps were required at our house on Sun. afternoons! I wasn’t exhausted and could participate more. And we could usually get a nap in ourselves afterward.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

Also the thing is with NFP is that for a woman, on “go” days you don’t usually feel like it. My sex drive plummets during my infertile time along with my hormones. I am tired, ratty, and just not in the mood.
Of course, when I’m ovulating…
NFP is probably a burden for your wife then as well.

 

[PennitentMan]

In addition, feeling that sex is “wrong” is very serious indeed. Perhaps your wife would benefit from some counseling as that may be the root of your problem? \QUOTE]

as per my next thread, we did actually chat about this, and luckily she’s not seeing it as wrong anymore, at least she worked through that bit…

No, this is not how life should be (in my opinion). Being tired can be a good excuse on occassion, but should not be a lifestyle…besides, even if she is tired an intimate evening with your husband can be quite relaxing! Most people have never had satisfying intercourse and regretted it later hahaha!

 

[exiled]

Well, you sound like perfectly wonderful man, so I probably cannot compare you to my husband.
In the first few years of our marriage I could not keep up with his drive. It was exhausting. And I was truly not turned on by him because he was a grumpy ol’ bear a lot. His temper always flared at the kids and me, and he would soften up right before he wanted to be intimate. Basically, he knew that I knew 5 or 6 days had passed and I would be feeling the pressure/obligation to put out. All of a sudden he was nice, and inevitably the next day (after intimacy) he was a bear again.
Anyway, years have passed and he has become a more Godly man. That has been a big “turn on” for me. He is patient with the kids, rarely yelling. He reads to the little ones and teaches them bits and pieces. Seeing him be a kind, involved and loving father has been the greatest thing for our marriage and our unity.
He also does many of the things I’m sure you do, little gifts, cleaning the kitchen, etc. But, he did that before and it had no value because 5 minutes later he was blowing up at one of the kids for something stupid.
Anyway, his change was not a demand on my part. It happened to him internally, and the desire for him increased in me.
So my point is, if you suffer from any demons like that, perhaps you can work on it.
May I ask how long you have been married for?