Struggling with wholeheartedly accepting my vocation

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mflaschner

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Any suggestions of prayers or books about accepting (not discerning) the vocation of marriage?

Background: I feel God calling me to the vocation of marriage. More than that, I’ve found the man I’m going to marry. He’s perfect for me. He encourages me and supports me. We communicate beautifully. We trade off the burden of being each other’s “rock” in times of hardship. He lets me help him through tough times, and he’s helping me learn to trust him to help me through mine. He sponsored me through RCIA and my budding faith has inspired him to reinvest himself in his own. He’s motivated, strong, patient and caring. I could go on, but it’s sickeningly sweet and it makes me nauseous thinking about it so I can’t imagine how others feel … I simply want to establish that I feel confident that this is the path God is leading me down.

In the past year, my life has changed drastically. I’ve completely turned myself around (becoming Catholic isn’t just RCIA – it requires a complete overhaul of one’s entire life! Who would’ve thought :rolleyes: ). I am slowly learning to let go of my life, and surrender to God. I’m so very thrilled and happy with the direction “my” life is taking, and yet … the part of me that was independent and didn’t answer to anyone other than my own will is not entirely on board with this change of plans!

I used to dream of wearing an Ann Taylor suit, running out the door of my loft with my Samsonite briefcase in hand, grabbing an espresso from Starbuck’s on the corner before catching the train to meet Larry King (who is determined to work forever) for an interview to discuss my latest ground-breaking book on antimicrobial resistance or my travels to Africa and how I helped a tribe institute a drinking water system … Now my dreams consist of baggy sweat pants, diaper bags, minivans, and Sesame Street (there is still room in my new life for the espresso ;)). I know there’s much more to single life/working & married life/motherhood than this, but these are just anecdotal snapshots of the lives I’ve dreamt of experiencing.

The problem is, when I get stressed out, I think of my old life and part of me wants it back. It was so easy!. I didn’t have to concern anyone with my own business. I did what I wanted when I wanted to. Now, that’s not the case. I’m much happier with my life now, but try telling that to me when I’m having one of those moments. I feel like I’m being split down the middle. Half of my heart is independent and the other half wants to be a wife/mother. It’s like I’m tearing myself in half, but trying not to lose my identity in the process. Any advice?

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mflaschner,
Praise be Jesus Christ.

I have two book recommendations for you;

1. Story of a Soul, Saint Therese of Liseux. Believe it or not, you can learn alot about marriage and family by reading a book about a cloistered nun. The book contains numerous examples about how her parents raised St. Therese. But more than this, the Church tells us that marriage and the religious life support one another, and are inseparable to one another. The more you learn about marriage’s ultimate fulfillment (the mystical marriage between Christ and His Church), the more you will understand the vocation to marriage (the earthly forshadow). As Christopher West states, religious men and women are beacons pointing us up to heaven; they “skip” the earthly forshadow in favor of the heavenly reality. (if you have already read SoS, then I would strongly urge you to read Saint Faustina’s diary).

2. Discipline that Lasts a Lifetime, Dr. Ray Guarendi. If you are sure you are called to marriage, then it may be prudent to begin learning practical approaches to parenting. Dr. Ray Guarendi is one of the most practical and straightforward experts on parenting, particularly in the areas of discipline; what it is and what it is not. He has a popular radio show on EWTN’s “The Docotr is in” and Ave Maria Radio.

A final note: The Saints remind us that we should never make any important decisions about our lives in moments of inner conflict. When the Holy Spirit works in our lives, it is always confirmed in us through inner peace.

My prayers are with you.

Blessings.
 
Thank you for the book recommedations & prayers. I will be sure to read them both. Perhaps it’s entirely obvious I ought to be praying to the Holy Spirit to guide me, but often times I forget that I can address each individual Person of the Trinity (I’m still new at this 😛 ).

Thanks again.

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I think that there is no better way to understand the uncertainty, the gifts, and the burdens of both marriage and children then through your parents or your experiences as a child. While you can always read about it in a book, nothing can replace the one on one conversations with close family.
 
Quoting: mflaschner
The problem is, when I get stressed out, I think of my old life and part of me wants it back. It was so easy!. I didn’t have to concern anyone with my own business. I did what I wanted when I wanted to. Now, that’s not the case. I’m much happier with my life now, but try telling that to me when I’m having one of those moments. I feel like I’m being split down the middle. Half of my heart is independent and the other half wants to be a wife/mother. It’s like I’m tearing myself in half, but trying not to lose my identity in the process. Any advice?
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Don’t be too disheartened, this type of quandry and conflict probably comes into all states of life I am sure - it certainly does with mine (single by choice under private vows). I’m having one of those days today where I have wondered over and over again why on earth I am living the way I am and that other ways of living have far more attraction…yet there is something about this way of life that keeps me here and that is the fact, I think, that I am called to it and Grace thus is on my side. Yet the conflict remains and every so often, once it settles, will probably resurface, as that has been my up and down journey since it all began near on 30 years ago now.
About the only advice I could give and one I try to apply to myself is never to make a major decision in an upset frame of mind - let major decisions wait until I am on an even keel again…and today I am in an upset frame of mind.

Becoming a Catholic must be a major overhaul as it is a way of life in itself and one that will continue to present challenges as you strive to follow The Gospel…but entirely rewarding. You are giving your life to Christ and He will reward “one hundred times”.

As much as I am having a lousy day, no way would I change my life - just another hurdle in the journey. Another episode in the syndrome of the “grass is greener” human failing. And I’d place my money on that most all states of life, ways of living, have it to some degree or other now and then.
 
zjl56 said:
I think that there is no better way to understand the uncertainty, the gifts, and the burdens of both marriage and children then through your parents or your experiences as a child. While you can always read about it in a book, nothing can replace the one on one conversations with close family.
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I don’t think either of my parents (divorced) would be the best references for such conversations. My dad wants me to be happy, and his advice doesn’t go much further than that. My mom had an unpleasant experience of being married w/kids, so conversations with her are hard; I’m always having to sort out personal-bias with well-intentioned-advice. I’m not close to anyone else in my family - it’s not a “bad blood” situation, we just didn’t grow up with strong family ties. I can’t remember much of my childhood - after my parents got divorced I pretty much blanked out everything. I have photos, but they capture images, not experiences, and they do little to jog my memory.

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BarbaraTherese said:
Don’t be too disheartened, this type of quandry and conflict probably comes into all states of life I am sure - it certainly does with mine (single by choice under private vows). I’m having one of those days today where I have wondered over and over again why on earth I am living the way I am and that other ways of living have far more attraction…yet there is something about this way of life that keeps me here and that is the fact, I think, that I am called to it and Grace thus is on my side. Yet the conflict remains and every so often, once it settles, will probably resurface, as that has been my up and down journey since it all began near on 30 years ago now.
About the only advice I could give and one I try to apply to myself is never to make a major decision in an upset frame of mind - let major decisions wait until I am on an even keel again…and today I am in an upset frame of mind.

Becoming a Catholic must be a major overhaul as it is a way of life in itself and one that will continue to present challenges as you strive to follow The Gospel…but entirely rewarding. You are giving your life to Christ and He will reward “one hundred times”.

As much as I am having a lousy day, no way would I change my life - just another hurdle in the journey. Another episode in the syndrome of the “grass is greener” human failing. And I’d place my money on that most all states of life, ways of living, have it to some degree or other now and then.
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Thanks for the advice and reassurances!

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mflaschner said:
Thank you for the book recommedations & prayers. I will be sure to read them both. Perhaps it’s entirely obvious I ought to be praying to the Holy Spirit to guide me, but often times I forget that I can address each individual Person of the Trinity (I’m still new at this 😛 ).

Thanks again.

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Dear mflaschner,
Just so you are aware, you can purchase Saint Therese’s “Story of a Soul” on Amazon for only $1.33 – a very good deal. Here is the link;

amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0935216588/ref=dp_olp_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1215788598&sr=8-2

Also, Dr. Ray’s book can be purchased for $5.49;

amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/1569553688/ref=dp_olp_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1215788738&sr=1-1

These are used, but just as good as new.

Blessings.
 
Rising_Suns said:
Dear mflaschner,
Just so you are aware, you can purchase Saint Therese’s “Story of a Soul” on Amazon for only $1.33 – a very good deal. Here is the link;

amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0935216588/ref=dp_olp_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1215788598&sr=8-2

Also, Dr. Ray’s book can be purchased for $5.49;

amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/1569553688/ref=dp_olp_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1215788738&sr=1-1

These are used, but just as good as new.

Blessings.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the link - I just ordered Story of a Soul … if only I had thought to buy this book last week when I ordered the WALLE soundtrack, I could’ve gotten free shipping!

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I had to smile at your “sickeningly sweet” opening. It is precious to read and to be reminded of the newness of love and the foundational friendship that lasting love should be based upon.

You may very well end up married, living in that dream loft and run out the door every morning with your latte and Ann Taylor suit. Who is to say that won’t be? Then again, you might end up with a minivan full of kids, chocolate goo (or what you hope is chocolate goo) on the back of your wash-and-wear tee shirt, and heading down the road with your homebrewed coffee on the way to a homeschooling field trip. Living for the Lord has ups and downs and honestly, if He told you half of the downs, you’d be afraid to go on living. No matter what your vocation, the Lord’s work is WORK. But on the other hand, when you are doing what you love to do, the work seems much lighter… and it IS lighter when we share the burden with Him. No matter what state in life we find ourselves, there will be moments of doubt. Some “moments” last a disturbingly long time. Our decisions to live our vocations and fully commit ourselves to the Lord are where we give Him the room to shine through us.

You’ve mentioned your family of origin isn’t the “go to” place for advice and example, so you need to look around you. Talk to a dedicated priest and/or nun - find a spiritual director. Talk to folks who have been married for a long time and ask them lots of questions. Pray , pray, pray. And remember that the Lord doesn’t expect you to be perfect - he’s going to use your vocation to perfect you with grace. 🙂
 
mflaschner said:
Thanks for the link - I just ordered Story of a Soul … if only I had thought to buy this book last week when I ordered the WALLE soundtrack, I could’ve gotten free shipping!

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Glad to hear it. You will not be dissapointed in your purchase. There is a good reason why Saint Therese was problaimed a Doctor of the Church (one of only 33 Saints to be named so).

-Davide

P.S. I enjoyed the movie Wall-E – one of Pixar’s best to date (next to Finding Nemo).
 
This is a discernment process, and should rightly be directed at what the Lord has in mind for you. He will reveal it through prayer and reflection. Remember that your one world is a fantasy of your own construction while the other remains much more real. Far better, I think to have a mostly satisfying real life than to live in regret of a fantasy that continues unfulfilled.

We invent perfection for ourselves, which is easily accessible each time we reflect on it. However, is it realistic to believe that your briefcase life would not be filled with stress as responsibilities pile up? Would you feel as fulfilled each time you ran to the train while gazing upon a mother with child, or a married couple enjoying each other’s company?

A vocation to marriage has always existed. The lure and attraction of a high-pressure business life has not. The love and family membership that you have through the vocation of marriage will provide much more long-term satisfaction than the fleeting happiness of a life requiring constantly increasing personal achievement.

In any case, you need to pray over this, deeply and genuinely. The Lord will illumine your heart.

Christ’s peace.
 
Hello,
I am almost in the same situation you are in. I am only 19, and I love the idea of getting married. I have also found Mrs. Right, so now its just a matter of finishing school and getting some money. However, more recently, when we have talked more seriously about our futures, it kind of hit me that this is real, that it is not just talk anymore. Real life is hard, and no matter how much you love the other person, chances are you will be scared. There are a lot of changes.

I think about how I will have to have a full time good paying job to support the family, and be there for my family all the time. Basically it does not become about you anymore but about each other and what is best for the children.

So, do you have a right to be scared? Absolutly. St. Therese had second thoughts the day before her final vows. I mean change is scary in general, especially for a young person transitioning from being protected by their family to being the protector. But in the end, I trust God that He will make everything okay.

I know sometimes we say , oh yes, I trust God. But do we really?
I still go on worrying for things that God will take care of. So as you grow in your faith, you will REALLY learn to trust God, to the point where uncertainties in the future don’t seem so big because you feel protected by Him.

Finally, be sure to include God in you and your bofriend’s discernment. Only He can truly see if you are meant to be. And if you do get that kind of peaceful okay from Him, then you won’t be so scared to pursue your vocation anymore.

Best wishes to you from one going through the same. I will pray for you. God bless.
 
Catholic_89 said:
Finally, be sure to include God in you and your bofriend’s discernment. Only He can truly see if you are meant to be. And if you do get that kind of peaceful okay from Him, then you won’t be so scared to pursue your vocation anymore.
.
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To which I can add only that, before deciding on the vocation of marriage, decide to love the Lord more than your future spouse. This may seem backward to some, but is the only true foundation upon which to base a lifetime Sacrament. As long as you consciously place the Lord first, all else will naturally follow, under the umbrella of God’s love.

Christ’s peace.
 
momtimesfour said:
I had to smile at your “sickeningly sweet” opening. It is precious to read and to be reminded of the newness of love and the foundational friendship that lasting love should be based upon.

You may very well end up married, living in that dream loft and run out the door every morning with your latte and Ann Taylor suit. Who is to say that won’t be? Then again, you might end up with a minivan full of kids, chocolate goo (or what you hope is chocolate goo) on the back of your wash-and-wear tee shirt, and heading down the road with your homebrewed coffee on the way to a homeschooling field trip.
Click to expand...
Chocolate goo!
:rotfl:
Living for the Lord has ups and downs and honestly, if He told you half of the downs, you’d be afraid to go on living. No matter what your vocation, the Lord’s work is WORK. But on the other hand, when you are doing what you love to do, the work seems much lighter… and it IS lighter when we share the burden with Him. No matter what state in life we find ourselves, there will be moments of doubt. Some “moments” last a disturbingly long time. Our decisions to live our vocations and fully commit ourselves to the Lord are where we give Him the room to shine through us.
Click to expand...
You’ve mentioned your family of origin isn’t the “go to” place for advice and example, so you need to look around you. Talk to a dedicated priest and/or nun - find a spiritual director. Talk to folks who have been married for a long time and ask them lots of questions. Pray , pray, pray. And remember that the Lord doesn’t expect you to be perfect - he’s going to use your vocation to perfect you with grace. 🙂
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice! I am very close to the director of religious education at my parish, and when I see her on Tuesday I will bring this up to her. Perhaps she can point me towards someone I can talk to.

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po18guy said:
This is a discernment process, and should rightly be directed at what the Lord has in mind for you. He will reveal it through prayer and reflection. Remember that your one world is a fantasy of your own construction while the other remains much more real. Far better, I think to have a mostly satisfying real life than to live in regret of a fantasy that continues unfulfilled.

We invent perfection for ourselves, which is easily accessible each time we reflect on it. However, is it realistic to believe that your briefcase life would not be filled with stress as responsibilities pile up? Would you feel as fulfilled each time you ran to the train while gazing upon a mother with child, or a married couple enjoying each other’s company?

**A vocation to marriage has always existed. The lure and attraction of a high-pressure business life has not. **The love and family membership that you have through the vocation of marriage will provide much more long-term satisfaction than the fleeting happiness of a life requiring constantly increasing personal achievement.

In any case, you need to pray over this, deeply and genuinely. The Lord will illumine your heart.

Christ’s peace.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice. I especially appreciate the distinction you made [in bold].
po18guy said:
To which I can add only that, before deciding on the vocation of marriage, decide to love the Lord more than your future spouse. This may seem backward to some, but is the only true foundation upon which to base a lifetime Sacrament. As long as you consciously place the Lord first, all else will naturally follow, under the umbrella of God’s love.

Christ’s peace.
Click to expand...
I completely agree - thanks!

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Catholic_89 said:
Hello,
I am almost in the same situation you are in. I am only 19, and I love the idea of getting married. I have also found Mrs. Right, so now its just a matter of finishing school and getting some money. However, more recently, when we have talked more seriously about our futures, it kind of hit me that this is real, that it is not just talk anymore. Real life is hard, and no matter how much you love the other person, chances are you will be scared. There are a lot of changes.

I think about how I will have to have a full time good paying job to support the family, and be there for my family all the time. Basically it does not become about you anymore but about each other and what is best for the children.

So, do you have a right to be scared? Absolutly. St. Therese had second thoughts the day before her final vows. I mean change is scary in general, especially for a young person transitioning from being protected by their family to being the protector. But in the end, I trust God that He will make everything okay.

I know sometimes we say , oh yes, I trust God. But do we really?
I still go on worrying for things that God will take care of. So as you grow in your faith, you will REALLY learn to trust God, to the point where uncertainties in the future don’t seem so big because you feel protected by Him.

Finally, be sure to include God in you and your bofriend’s discernment. Only He can truly see if you are meant to be. And if you do get that kind of peaceful okay from Him, then you won’t be so scared to pursue your vocation anymore.

Best wishes to you from one going through the same. I will pray for you. God bless.
Click to expand...
Wow, we are in similar situations! Finishing school (he has one year of college left), saving money, supporting a family, learning to trust God - these are all things my boyfriend and I discuss. Trusting God is by far the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. I hope it gets easier with time, but right now I really want to trust Him, but often times I fall short of actually placing myself into His hands. I’m working on it.

Thanks for the prayers, I’ll pray for you as well!

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