Struggling Young Woman

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hellosunshine

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Im a woman in her twenties and I’m struggling with a question. My boyfriend and i are devout Catholics, but we have slipped several times and went to third base. What I mean is that we had manual sex. I let him finger me and penetrate me with his fingers. We have not done anything else: nothing like oral or vaginal sex. And I know he did fingering when he was a young teen. This also stresses me out because I feel like he didn’t wait for me and that part of him should be mine.

Just want to know: are we still virgins if we’ve done that and nothing more?

Note: please be sensitive. I have emotional problems and this whole topic hurts me tremendously.
 
A virgin is somebody who has not had intercourse. So yes, you are still virgins.
 
In my opinion, you are not a virgin.(!) Virginity reflects purity. (I am not at all trying to condemn you cuz I pretty much have my own issues. ;))

What you really should be concerned about is your relationship with God rather than whether you are a virgin or not.

I mean, IMO, your question would have been: did our action please God?
 
kelvinf said:
In my opinion, you are not a virgin.(!) Virginity reflects purity. (I am not at all trying to condemn you cuz I pretty much have my own issues. ;))

What you really should be concerned about is your relationship with God rather than whether you are a virgin or not.

I mean, IMO, your question would have been: did our action please God?
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She’s obviously repented of her actions, which is why she came here. Her question was simple and the answer is simple: yes, she is still a virgin.

Virginity reflects purity, but it’s not the same thing as purity. Manuel stimulation, masturbation, viewing pornography, lustful thoughts, and sexual fantasizes do not remove somebody’s virginity. If you were to consider somebody to be a virgin only if they’ve never had any impurity ever, then nobody would be a virgin (except the virgin Mary, of course).

And come on now… was it really necessary to use underlines and an exclamation mark when she made it clear this is a topic that hurts her?
 
kelvinf said:
What you really should be concerned about is your relationship with God rather than whether you are a virgin or not.

I mean, IMO, your question would have been: did our action please God?
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👍

You are obviously stress out by your previous actions. You need to remember that God loves you no matter what and He is more than happy to help you. But you need to take responsibility in trying to change your behaviour. Set boundaries where you will not be alone with your boyfriend.

Also, I understand it hurts that your boyfriend has done things with his ex he should have saved for you. So think of it this way, if you do not marry him, how will the next guy feel about what you did with your current boyfriend?

CM
 
scree said:
She’s obviously repented of her actions, which is why she came here. Her question was simple and the answer is simple: yes, she is still a virgin.

Virginity reflects purity, but it’s not the same thing as purity. Manuel stimulation, masturbation, viewing pornography, lustful thoughts, and sexual fantasizes do not remove somebody’s virginity. If you were to consider somebody to be a virgin only if they’ve never had any impurity ever, then nobody would be a virgin (except the virgin Mary, of course).

And come on now… was it really necessary to use underlines and an exclamation mark when she made it clear this is a topic that hurts her?
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Virgin: an absolutely chaste young woman
merriam-webster.com/dictionary/virgin

Of course you can always choose the definition that suits you. I chose the one I believe applies to us Catholics. Other definitions are pretty much used in life sciences.
 
kelvinf said:
Virgin: an absolutely chaste young woman
merriam-webster.com/dictionary/virgin

Of course you can always choose the definition that suits you. I chose the one I believe applies to us Catholics. Other definitions are pretty much used in life sciences.
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That’s not how the Church defines a virgin. The Church defines a virgin (for the purposes of consecrating a virgin) as someone who has lived in public or open violation of chastity.
 
cmscms said:
👍

You are obviously stress out by your previous actions. You need to remember that God loves you no matter what and He is more than happy to help you. But you need to take responsibility in trying to change your behaviour. Set boundaries where you will not be alone with your boyfriend.

Also, I understand it hurts that your boyfriend has done things with his ex he should have saved for you. So think of it this way, if you do not marry him, how will the next guy feel about what you did with your current boyfriend?

CM
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I AM hoping to marry him. We have talked a lot about it. I have terrible anxiety over his past. I’m on high medication because of it.
 
We are talking about marriage, but his past kills me. Is what he did so terrible? Is this something I can get past? I saved my first kiss for him. And everything.
 
So if he had been sexually assaulted previously you would feel the same way? I think the fact that he CHOSE to do something you do not agree with BEFORE he met you is a seriuous hangup for you.

If he has been a good person to you, then why are you worried about his past? My siggestion is to move past this problem. If you can not, then it will bother you for a LONG time. You either love him for who he is NOW or you move on.

Saving your first KISS is sort of a silly thing. Did you ever kiss your mom, dad, sister, brother, grnadmother, etc.? Of course you did. You mean you are giving affection to this man and now you regret it? Would kissing him on the cheek be any different than kissing him on the mouth?

You did not have sex with him so you are still a virgin. The Church does NOT forbid kissing as long as it does not lead to lustful inclinations. I kissed MANY girls on the cheek and several on the lips before I met my wife. Do I have agnst over any of it? Not in the least.
 
He’s a virgin too. I mean, is what he did so bad? Does it spoil him for me? Is it not as l when we have sex because he did that? Previous poster just made me feel worse by reminding me that he chose to finger someone before me 😦
 
Sunshine,

Remember we are ALL human and make mistakes. We can’t change what we did in the past, we can only move forward.

Remember some of the greatest saints lived very bad lives before the cleaned up their act:
  • St Paul.
  • St. Thomas
  • St. Augustine
You need to work on letting go of the ideal that you built up for so many years. It is a fairy tale. You many not want to hear it, but almost EVERY boy masturbates and many adult males fall into that temptation too. God doesn’t expel the sinner because of the sin, he helps him to overcome it and forgives him when he repents.

Unless your boyfriend is mocking you or forcing you to do something that violates moral law, I would move past this and focus on your future.
 
hellosunshine said:
I AM hoping to marry him. We have talked a lot about it. I have terrible anxiety over his past. I’m on high medication because of it.
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If you’re having so much anxiety over this that you’re needing such medication, you may need to rethink marriage or at least put it off until you can free yourself from this anxiety. It won’t get better upon being married, in fact it may be a stumbling block with causes things to be worse.

You need to talk to him and ask why he has such desires? It is not chaste to make use of another’s body in such a manner, while its not as sinful as fornication it still needs to be questioned and rectified. If he views you and others as objects to use for his sexual desires and the implications on your person are so adverse believe me when I say you need to get this ordered before even considering marriage.
hellosunshine said:
Previous poster just made me feel worse by reminding me that he chose to finger someone before me 😦
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This statement concerns me, are you feeling bad because he did this with someone else before he did it with you or because he did it at all?
 
“Sexual sin: bad enough that it will eternally damn someone, but trivial enough that you must accept it in a future spouse.”

Oh, ignore moon1234 and kelvinf. Their posts aren’t worth the effort to read.

And: there is the rare person out there who hasn’t done “anything with anyone”, so don’t settle if you don’t want to.
 
*And: there is the rare person out there who hasn’t done “anything with anyone”, so don’t settle if you don’t want to. *

Just keep in mind that this was NOT the ideal Christ chose. He chose to associate with Sinners, Fornicators, etc. He specifically AVOIDED the pharisies who thought themselves better than the rest. He even went so far as to say that they received their reward here on earth and not in heaven.

Worrying about past issues of another person, when they don’t threaten her life, etc. is not healthy.

From your post it sounds as if you allowed him to go as far as he did. If you would have said no, would he have respected that? If yes, then what is the worry? Having sexual desires towards someone you have affection for is NORMAL. It is when they are acted on or dwelled on to the point of sin that is the problem. Does he KNOW that you worry about such things? If he loves you and knows that this bothers you he will not bring it up again.

People are NOT perfect and no marraige is PERFECT. Everyone is NOT perfect all of the time. We all fall into sin at one point or another. To dwell on previous sins that have been forgiven is NOT healthy.
 
moon1234 said:
Worrying about past issues of another person, when they don’t threaten her life, etc. is not healthy.
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Oh really? You’ve heard of temporal consequences of sin? She is free to be concerned of his past. It is prudent of her to be concerned of his past.
moon1234 said:
People are NOT perfect and no marraige is PERFECT.
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Translation: settle.
moon1234 said:
Everyone is NOT perfect all of the time. We all fall into sin at one point or another. To dwell on previous sins that have been forgiven is NOT healthy.
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Forgive: yes, accept: not necessarily. You don’t have to accept someone’s past if you don’t want to. I wonder if moon1234 has a stake in this that he isn’t revealing.
 
@Chevaleresse

Ohh please. Like I have a personal stake in a post on an internet board. I am trying to re-assure her that her worry is UNFOUNDED.

Many women who worry about these minor issues remain single their whole lives. If they are bothered this much by these things, then maybe the single life is what they are called to.

Eventually, you need to realize that NO ONE is perfect except God. We ALL have past issues that we would not repeat if we had a chance. Wasting your life worrying about MINOR issues is not going to help a future relationship.

If she follows your advice, I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty, that she will NEVER find a perfect man. Being able to fogive and move forward is REQUIRED in a marraige or it will fall apart. Especially from a mans standpoint. If my wife constantly was bothered by my past faults that I can NOT change now, it would make like miserable.

I am not telling her to forget about past issues, but being on medication because of these problems would seem to indicate that she has not been able to deal with them.
 
Kenny_Kamel said:
If you’re having so much anxiety over this that you’re needing such medication, you may need to rethink marriage or at least put it off until you can free yourself from this anxiety. It won’t get better upon being married, in fact it may be a stumbling block with causes things to be worse.

You need to talk to him and ask why he has such desires? It is not chaste to make use of another’s body in such a manner, while its not as sinful as fornication it still needs to be questioned and rectified. If he views you and others as objects to use for his sexual desires and the implications on your person are so adverse believe me when I say you need to get this ordered before even considering marriage.

This statement concerns me, are you feeling bad because he did this with someone else before he did it with you or because he did it at all?
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I’m concerned that he did it at all, and I feel like I’ve lost a part of him to someone else. 😦

He is not a sex maniac. He tries to be chaste every day. He does not masturbate and he tries to respect me and steer me away from sin. Because of my anxiety, I am the one tempting and seducing him do that I can be even with the ex and try to keep my mind off the anxiety.
 
Chevaleresse said:
“Sexual sin: bad enough that it will eternally damn someone, but trivial enough that you must accept it in a future spouse.”

Oh, ignore moon1234 and kelvinf. Their posts aren’t worth the effort to read.

And: there is the rare person out there who hasn’t done “anything with anyone”, so don’t settle if you don’t want to.
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But now I’ve done it too :’(
 
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