Struggling Young Woman

  • Thread starter Thread starter hellosunshine
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Chevaleresse said:
I also forgot to mention the fact that you took a risk. There are lots of threads on this board and others about husbands going back to sinful practices.
Click to expand...
And I can absolutely guarantee you that if I ever mentioned something like…“hey honey, I don’t think I can trust you because you were intimate with someone else other then me…based on that fact alone…I think you will be unfaithful to me”
his jaw would drop and he would be HURT!

Devastated actually. He’d ask me what was the point of all that development of a relationship and why in the world did I marry him?

You take a chance with every single relationship you become involved with…regardless of someone’s past.

In fact…I think it’s wise to become involved with someone who has made a mistake and learns and grows from it. He becomes a better person and a better man. He matures and develops and realizes what love is.

Does everyone learn from their mistakes? Of course not…but that is why you discern a marriage.
You take the time to get to know someone and what makes them function and tick.

If I couldn’t see that he had learned anything from a past mistake the relationship would end.

Therefore…I don’t believe I took a risk at all. We got to know each other on a deeply personal level.
We sought advice from more then one priest and took pre-cana classes. We went to RCIA together. We talk candidly about our faith to one another.

We both made mistakes in our relationship…I won’t lie. The difference is…the second we decided we were to remain Chaste…we did…for 8 months…without issue and with the support of one another. We did it for our marriage and there was no complaint or whining from either party.

That is how I know I made the right decision and I know I didn’t take a risk and that I trust him completely and would never dream that he would stray from the marriage.

These forums have plenty of bad marriages…but I can clearly see the issues posted. My marriage does not have those issues…if something happens we work through it…no marriage is perfect…no one is perfect.

People make mistakes and want to come back to the faith and be a better person. I was one of those people. My husband was one of those people.
I would have been heartbroken if my husband had turned me down because I had a less then perfect past and wouldn’t want anything to do with me. You give them a chance. If it doesn’t work out then fine, move on.
I dated a lot of people and met a lot of people over the years as I was searching for a husband.
This included a former drug addict that had been clean and sober for several years. I stopped dating him immediately, not because of his past, but because I knew I wouldn’t be a good influence on him. Plus, we had absolutely nothing in common…🤷

I believe people can evolve and grow. I have faith in humanity. I believe that one can grow within their faith enough and change their lives. Those are the people I want to know and hang out with. Those are the people that inspire me…like my husband.

He came from a broken family and from a tough city. He barely graduated high school and has yet to get a degree in college. He joined the army but got involved in a very destructive relationship and racked up quite a lot of debt.
Red flags all over the place.
I took a chance and watched him change and grow. He got rid of all of his debt, moved to the air force and got an amazing job that pays very well and this concluded with our marriage and purchasing a house…against all odds. He changed his life for me and I did the same for him.

I wasn’t lucky…I knew someone else was working with us. I knew God helped in many, many ways and we were meant to be together.
Plenty of Saints have done just that.
 
scree said:
She’s obviously repented of her actions, which is why she came here. Her question was simple and the answer is simple: yes, she is still a virgin.

Virginity reflects purity, but it’s not the same thing as purity. Manuel stimulation, masturbation, viewing pornography, lustful thoughts, and sexual fantasizes do not remove somebody’s virginity. If you were to consider somebody to be a virgin only if they’ve never had any impurity ever, then nobody would be a virgin (except the virgin Mary, of course).

And come on now… was it really necessary to use underlines and an exclamation mark when she made it clear this is a topic that hurts her?
Click to expand...
What about oral sex then? There’s penetration involved in that technically. It’s not vaginal penetration? If sodomy is considered sex I imagine oral and manual would be as well?
 
SaintPatrick333 said:
What about oral sex then? There’s penetration involved in that technically. It’s not vaginal penetration? If sodomy is considered sex I imagine oral and manual would be as well?
Click to expand...
Of course. It’s absurd to call someone who has been willingly penetrated (i.e. not raped) a virgin. There are many kids today who call themselves “technical virgins” – they engage in sodomy but say it “doesn’t count” since it didn’t involve vaginal penetration. One who has knowledge of sex in these ways is no virgin. You don’t need to be religious to understand this.
 
Chevaleresse said:
Yes, I think we women really do have low standards. LOL. Why would you be bitter and angry though?
Click to expand...
Low standards that seemed to have worked wonders for me…:rolleyes:
I’d be bitter and angry because I’d be spending my life looking for a specimen that just doesn’t exist.

I’d die and go to heaven…God willing…and ask God…why didn’t you send me a man?
He’d say…you know I did…several times…and you turned him down.
You know…I had this list in my head of this perfect guy I wanted to marry.

I couldn’t find him…despite all of the dates and dating I did in my early twenties.

The second I threw out the list and decided to accept someone for who they were…I opened the field up and I found him.

By the way…that story i told…in no way indicates any woman needs rescuing from a man.

God however…🤷

Well, everyone needs rescuing from God…which in turn makes you a better person by default.
 
Chevaleresse said:
Umm… I was referring to mortal sin. The example I used would be equivalent. Either way, you’re side-stepping what I’m saying.
Click to expand...
1858 Grave matter is specified by the Ten Commandments, corresponding to the answer of Jesus to the rich young man: “Do not kill, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and your mother.” The gravity of sins is more or less great: murder is graver than theft. One must also take into account who is wronged: violence against parents is in itself graver than violence against a stranger.

You are making too much noise here but can’t answer a simple question. Why is it had for you to say which sins are okay for marriage?
 
A person marries a person. The dignity and worth of each person is infinite. One must discern whether a person is the person who will help himself/herself get to heaven more easily together in marriage or not. Obviously you must have standards. However, marrying someone who has sinned - in any manner - in the past and has clearly repented and lived well since, is possible marriage material. It’s not so much a matter of lowering one’s standards to marry someone who was convicted of a DUI or white collar crime… it is discerning whether that person is a good candidate with who he/she is as a human person in his/her totality and predictable behavioral patterns to marry. Clearly the risks for infidelity are higher for a person who has engaged in sexual activity of one kind or another. However, I happen to know some people who have a “past” whom I would absolutely trust would never be unfaithful. Others, I would evaluate to be too risky. Yes, there are virgin males/females out there… but they may not be right for you as persons. How many people out here would have loved to have married St. Augustine after he converted to the Faith? I for one, might have considered him, if all his other qualities were compatible. Yet he had a past!

To me, the important thing is to evaluate the person AS a person. It is up to you if you want to exclude certain people from your prayerful discernment and consideration as potential spouses. Virginity is not a requirement for marriage. What is a requirement is for the spouses to be mature, to love each other as persons not sexual objects, and so on. Yes, it is beautiful to be someone’s first “love” and vice versa, but that is not the point of matrimony. The bottom line for matrimony is whether this person and I will get to heaven more easily married together than not. If the answer to that question (after weighing all the relevant details about oneself and one’s potential spouse) is yes, then marriage might be in order! I might add that I’m not saying that I condone unchaste actions - after all, I am a virgin - but that God expects us to act maturely when choosing one’s spouse. Should a person marrying a widow/er be jealous of the first husband/wife and the affection they shared? No. The **person **they happen to be marrying has been a spouse before, but that is part of their history, what has built up some of their strengths and weaknesses and experience and maturity levels.

On a related thought, this is what God has to say about an unfaithful bride:

It is commonly said: If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and marry another man, shall he return to her any more? Shall not that woman be polluted, and defiled? But you have prostituted yourself to many lovers:** nevertheless return to me, says the Lord**, and I will receive you. 2 Lift up your eyes on high: and see where you have not prostituted yourself: you sat in the ways, waiting for them as a robber in the wilderness: and you have polluted the land with your fornications, and with your wickedness. 3 Therefore the showers were withholden, and there was no lateward rain: you had a harlot’s forehead, you would not blush. - Jeremiah 3: 1-3

It’s interesting that God will overlook the “prostitution” of His bride… and regard her as a favored “person” and “bride” when she repents and returns to Him. His intention is holiness of life and happiness for His people. That is the final goal of marriage. Holiness of life for the couple. If this is reasonably doable in the concrete circumstances and risk analysis has been done… why not marry a repentant sinner?
 
Hello! I am also a young woman in my early twenties. I have lived all over the world and have met many different people and studied theology, ethics, and philosophy for four years at College. In a nut-shell, human nature is the same everywhere. It boils down to this: If you mortally sin like that your chances of actually marrying the person is very, very slim. Believe me, not only have I been there, done that, I have seen many, many other people go through the same thing.

I know how hard it is to wait for marriage to be intimate on even “lesser” levels, but waiting is blessed abundently by God.

I would suggest praying to Saint Philomena for help with chastity. There are many Saint Philomena chaplets and bracelets to be found on Etsy.com and also the Saint Philomena chastity cord which you wear around your waist.
 
Chevaleresse said:
“Sexual sin: bad enough that it will eternally damn someone, but trivial enough that you must accept it in a future spouse.”

Oh, ignore moon1234 and kelvinf. Their posts aren’t worth the effort to read.

And: there is the rare person out there who hasn’t done “anything with anyone”, so don’t settle if you don’t want to.
Click to expand...
Hey, hey, hey…it’s Mark Shea! I can smell that sarcasm 3000 miles away!
 
Chev,

I read some of your posts here.

And my, my. All I can say is you deserve to be venerated.

The beauty.

Someone who understands.
 
hellosunshine said:
I AM hoping to marry him. We have talked a lot about it. I have terrible anxiety over his past. I’m on high medication because of it.
Click to expand...
hellosunshine said:
We are talking about marriage, but his past kills me. Is what he did so terrible? Is this something I can get past? I saved my first kiss for him. And everything.
Click to expand...
hellosunshine said:
He’s a virgin too. I mean, is what he did so bad? Does it spoil him for me? Is it not as l when we have sex because he did that? Previous poster just made me feel worse by reminding me that he chose to finger someone before me 😦
Click to expand...
Sounds like a jealousy issue, not a morality issue. You’re unhappy over the fact that there were, are, and will continue to be other people in his life besides just you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top