Stuck Again (I really am Romantically Clueless!)

  • Thread starter Thread starter Rose71
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

Rose71

Guest
Three weeks ago, a friend who is part of the group I solcialise with announced out of the blue (to me anyway) that he’s really smitten and wants to be more than friends.

Good points are that he’s Catholic; never been married before; we share a lot of interests and I know his family and they are a friendly and decent bunch. I love him to bits … as a friend, but he’s 9 years younger than me and I see him as almost a lovely younger brother or cousin 😦

I’ve been single a long time and I would be the first to acknowledge that I’ve become very wary about sharing my life with anyone. I love my job; I have bought myself a nice house and I’ve got loads of friends and I’m never short of company. I’m used to fighting / working hard for what I want in life, so being presented with ‘Mr. Perfect on a Plate’ just doesn’t work in my brain!!!

I sat him down and we told him, as gently as I could, that he’d taken me by surprise and above all, I valued him as a friend and was not prepared to do anything that might compromise or spoil that dynamic. He agreed (or so I thought) and we agreed to see more of one another, outside the usual crowd, and see how we got along - but just as friends with no pressure on either of us.

Fast forward a few weeks and he’s wonderful in many ways, but with my ‘friend / big sister’ hat on, I can see he’s putting himself under pressure and he keeps saying how nervous he is. I hate feeling like I’m the cause of that, because I’ve been there and its not nice at all. He’s really keen, still, but I’m 9 years older and no matter what anyone says (I know it can work very well for some couples and the actual number isn’t an issue) I feel I’ve lived more than him. I actually think he’s very intelligent, thoughtful and emotionally mature - but he can’t see that. He’s constantly saying things like ‘oh, you’re so clever’…which winds me up because I’m not clever: I’ve worked hard and been lucky enough to have supportive friends and family. Yes, I do love to learn and I have lots of interests and a much wider general knowledge than him - but that’s something I can share with him.

Over all, I’m beginning to thing that I’ve given it a go and I still think friends is the way forward. There is that nagging doubt that I might just be throwing away a really dependable, thoughtful and caring man…because I can’t bring myself to take a few risks.

However, chaste courtship aside, there has to be some physical attraction, surely, even if you resolve not to act on it? I can’t feel anything! Just fear that I’m going to end up hurting him:confused:

I know I’d give up my career for the right man, but right now, my brain is firmly in ‘survival’ mode. I was brought up like many women my age, to work hard. It’s not about money (I’, not in the most lucrative profession) but about using your brains and respecting yourself. We’ve been lead to believe that women who are unable to support themselves and have to resort to finding a man to enable them to have a roof over their heads are weak and desperate and not much better than prostitutes. Shocking, when I type it - and actually not nice at all - but that’s the minset we’ve been programmed to have: work hard, keep your knickers on and your options open :rolleyes:

Even if this man isn’t ‘the one’ I know I have to break out of that mindset somehow! But if I take my foot of the accelerator and let things slip at work or looking after my home, I am sunk! I have no ‘Plan B’; there is no second income coming in. I really don’t feel I can afford the emotional upheaval that comes with a relationship.

I’m sorry if I sound quite brutal, but I am being brutally honest. I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I could find a man I was truly confident in. I joke that when I find Mr. Right, I willl sleep for a week, just because I can!
 
That’s a HUGE gap in ages. Almost 10 years! I don’t know what the respective ages are, but at any point in time, that’s still a big gap in what you have done/seen/been through and what he has. I don’t think you should try to force yourself to have a romantic relationship with this man. There’s a big imbalance there - as represented by his “You’re so clever” comment. It’s one thing for a man to admire you from a place of equal stature - “You’re a very determined woman,” would be different coming from a man your own age or slightly older. But his comment is more adoration than admiration, if you know what I mean.

I’m sure he will make someone a fine husband one day, but it doesn’t have to be you.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
That’s a HUGE gap in ages. Almost 10 years! I don’t know what the respective ages are, but at any point in time, that’s still a big gap in what you have done/seen/been through and what he has. I don’t think you should try to force yourself to have a romantic relationship with this man. There’s a big imbalance there - as represented by his “You’re so clever” comment. It’s one thing for a man to admire you from a place of equal stature - “You’re a very determined woman,” would be different coming from a man your own age or slightly older. But his comment is more adoration than admiration, if you know what I mean.

I’m sure he will make someone a fine husband one day, but it doesn’t have to be you.
Click to expand...
🙂 Thanks for your thoughts: I am inclined to agree with you. Much as I’d like to kid myself otherwise, I’d say he’s besotted as much as anything else. I know there are exceptions that prove the rule; for example, one of my former colleagues has been hapilly married to his wife (11 years older than him) for 10 years now and she’s just given birth to their first child at 48 years old. However, she is stunningly beautiful and looks younger than him! I’m not saying relationships should be based on looks, but nobody would guess the age gap there.

I know he’s a really amazing and lovely and intelligent man and I’d love to think of him happily married with a family.

Our ages, which I forgot to mention: he’s 31 and I am 40. The exact difference is 8 years and 10 months (or as TRJ said 'nearly 10 years :D)
 
It doesn’t matter about the agedifference if it doesn’t matter to him and you feel you are equals intellectually and emotionally…and in the faith.
What matters here is you dont have romantic feelings for him.
I experienced that too… and tried to force myself… I dont recommend it 🙂
 
Rose71 said:
I’ve been single a long time and I would be the first to acknowledge that I’ve become very wary about sharing my life with anyone. I love my job; I have bought myself a nice house and I’ve got loads of friends and I’m never short of company. I’m used to fighting / working hard for what I want in life, so being presented with ‘Mr. Perfect on a Plate’ just doesn’t work in my brain!!!

However, chaste courtship aside, there has to be some physical attraction, surely, even if you resolve not to act on it? I can’t feel anything! Just fear that I’m going to end up hurting him:confused:
Click to expand...
Seems to me you’ve got a nice life built up for yourself. There’s no use in upsetting that to make room for a romantic relationship with someone you’re not attracted to. I can’t see that ending well.

As far as hurting him - be gently honest. “Joe, you’re such a kind and decent man. I’m positive you’re going to make a lucky woman a wonderful husband some day.” So long as you’re not brutal, he should recover. Much crueler, in my mind, would be to allow yourself to become romantically entangled for months or years and then try to break it off.

Luna
 
Rose71 said:
🙂 Thanks for your thoughts: I am inclined to agree with you. Much as I’d like to kid myself otherwise, I’d say he’s besotted as much as anything else. I know there are exceptions that prove the rule; for example, one of my former colleagues has been hapilly married to his wife (11 years older than him) for 10 years now and she’s just given birth to their first child at 48 years old. However, she is stunningly beautiful and looks younger than him! I’m not saying relationships should be based on looks, but nobody would guess the age gap there.

I know he’s a really amazing and lovely and intelligent man and I’d love to think of him happily married with a family.

Our ages, which I forgot to mention: he’s 31 and I am 40. The exact difference is 8 years and 10 months (or as TRJ said 'nearly 10 years :D)
Click to expand...
“Besotted,” yes, that is the word I was looking for! LOL I guess it could work for some people…And probably does. I had a guy in high school who was besotted with me. His puppy-dog panting after me was flattering at first. I did go on a date with him, although I wasn’t attracted by him in the least. But then I had to let him know that the spark just wasn’t there for me…otherwise I would have been using him, knowing that I had no feelings for him but he was crazy for me. Man, that was difficult! Because he really was a nice guy, and I hurt him without intending to. I was careful not to string him along, but any attention from me was enough to give him hope, so I did end up hurting him in spite of trying not to.

Now I wonder what it would have been like to be put on a pedestal…I definitely chose a man who does not do that for me.

The age difference may not be the most important thing at the ages you mention…I do think it’s that you aren’t interested in him in the same way he is with you. That’s a real problem.
 
My husband and I are 13 years apart (I’m older) - it hardly matters to us. Only when we try to decide on music on the radio. LOL 😃

But not being attracted to him is the biggie. If it’s not there, it’s not there. Stay friends and don’t push it.

Who knows, maybe later, after some time has passed and neither of you are all nervous about this, it might turn into something. But in the mean time, just be friends.

But don’t let the age thing bother you, 9 years is really not that big a deal.

~Liza
 
Hello Rose,

As I mentioned in the previous thread, I was once in a situation where I was considering a relationship with an older woman with a similar age difference to yours. Although relationships with an older woman and younger man can work (I’ve actually seen it work), I think there are some bad dynamics that are unique to this age pairing. In our case, we recognized this and broke it off. The issues that you’re having (the lack of gravitas and confidence on his part) are different from those that we had, but you’re seeing them all the same. From what you’ve said so far, this relationship does not sound promising.

The problem in your case is that you perceive the mismatch, and he apparently doesn’t. On second thought, though, maybe he does see the mismatch, but he’s trying to convince himself that it’s something that can be worked around. It’s so hard to find good companions in this world, and it’s difficult to break it off with someone who’s “almost perfect” when there’s a major flaw in the relationship. However, if an essential element of a relationship is missing…then both parties eventually have to admit it and move on.
Rose71 said:
Even if this man isn’t ‘the one’ I know I have to break out of that mindset somehow! But if I take my foot of the accelerator and let things slip at work or looking after my home, I am sunk! I have no ‘Plan B’; there is no second income coming in. I really don’t feel I can afford the emotional upheaval that comes with a relationship.

I’m sorry if I sound quite brutal, but I am being brutally honest. I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I could find a man I was truly confident in. I joke that when I find Mr. Right, I willl sleep for a week, just because I can!
Click to expand...
Beyond the situation you’re in with this man, though, what you wrote above worries me quite a bit. Even if you meet the perfect guy tomorrow, will you be ready for him? Will you be emotionally available and ready to share your time and presence? I would urge you to find a healthy balance in your life before meeting “Mr. Right”…
 
Hi ack! It worries me too 🙂 although I actually think I have as healthy a balance in my life as it is possible to achieve. One thing I will never do is get myself into a relationship because I have to, in order to make ends meet, so working hard is a necessity, not an indulgence. I have a really great circle of friends and family close by and I definitely enjoy my life.

However, I would love to find someone to share it with. As far as children go, I know it’s possible, as opposed to a probable; but I also know that it’s up to God and that having children is an honour and not a right.

I’m still trying to work out in my own mind whether I’m deliberately throwing up problems where there are none, because I’m afraid of the reprecussions should it all go wrong…or whether I’m doing the sensible, decent thing by telling him kindly (again) that it’s not going to work.

I’ve arranged to meet him tomorrow evening and we’ll talk about it again. I know both of us can get pretty lonely sometimes, just because of the nature of our jobs and I know he appreciates the company as much as anything (as do I)

:thumbsup:Thanks for all the advice so far…definitely appreciated!
 
Another deja vu. Several months ago, just as I was wondering if I the girl I’d been looking at for the last couple of whiles wasn’t perhaps too young for me, it turned out she was actually “almost 40” (in her words, and yes, that was true, though I never learnt the number) to my 28. Extremely captivating, lovely sense of humour, she had whatever it took to make a man skip whatever was going on around him in favour of conversing with her. But the age difference was there. I had to realise it sooner or later and it was sooner than later. I’m perfectly sure she must’ve realised that as well if her thoughts had actually ever gone there. This said, she did say a thing or two that a person my age, equally charming etc. wouldn’t have got away with saying. Otherwise who knows what would have happened (and at what stage). But, at any rate, if you want to go that way, you need a guy who knows what he’s doing and you need yourself to know what you’re doing. The way I see it the lack of physical attraction is reason enough on its own not to go there. Two infatuated people skipping over a big obstacle could one day wake up with mutual dissatisfaction and a mutual sense of mistake.
 
Rose71 said:
Hi ack! It worries me too 🙂 although I actually think I have as healthy a balance in my life as it is possible to achieve. One thing I will never do is get myself into a relationship because I have to, in order to make ends meet, so working hard is a necessity, not an indulgence. I have a really great circle of friends and family close by and I definitely enjoy my life.
Click to expand...
Hi Rose,

Just remember that everyone (well, except teenagers and such) has to work hard to stay afloat. Working hard is a necessity for everyone – even the young man you’re writing about. Yet, most people are able to balance themselves in a way that allows them to expend some energy on relationships without the rest of their lives falling into disrepair.

For some reason, this thread is reminding me of some young doctors I know who are working as residents. They’re absurdly busy, but they manage to find time to build relationships – usually with other doctors. It seems like those who are very busy are better able to understand the plight of other busy people, knowing how to find the right balance in their relationship.

I’m not sure if this is related to your situation, but that’s how I interpreted what you wrote.
 
Read the Jewelers Shop. By (before Pope) Bl. John Paul II

It is not long.

Before you do anything else.

(remain friends for now)
 
I told my wife --no.
…that it would not work.

We would be friends only.

And was dead certain.

(we though are around the same age…both studied theology… etc etc)
 
chevalier said:
I took the liberty to insinuate, jokingly, that you had learnt the magical “yes, dear” phrase. 😉 Hope this wasn’t offensive.
Click to expand...
Seeing how she was not yet my “dear” but rather a friend at that point…

I must be a very quick study.

(but I would agree that the whole “yes dear” thing …is not how I think we ought to view marriage…)
 
Bookcat said:
Seeing how she was not yet my “dear” but rather a friend at that point…

I must be a very quick study.
Click to expand...
Well, she had it her way despite all your reluctance, didn’t she? She prevailed on you, no matter how you look at it. 😉 But I have a nagging suspicion you don’t mind a tiny bit.
 
😃 Update!

We went out for a drink and some food after work today and had a good natter about life. Now he’s less nervous and over eager to pour out the compliments, he’s almost like the man I thought I knew before he decided he was in lurrrve! I actually found myself looking at him and thinking ‘yeah - he’s lovely - this could work :rolleyes:’ (BTW - no, it wasn’t beer goggles because I’m virtually T-total)

Then he went and spoiled it again by going on about how much more experience of life I have and how I’ve learned so much…It’s just bringing it home to me that the dynamic is all wrong. One minute I feel like a potential girlfriend and the next, more like a big sister:confused: If he was even 5 years older and wasn’t so seemingly in awe, I’d not hesitate to give it a go, because it’s the too eager to please thing that I is a real passion-killer.

You’d be hard-pressed to find a more wonderful person and friend. I told him at the very start, when he told me how he felt, that above all, I valued our friendship and I was not prepared to do anything that might compromise that. When we’re just hanging out together and doing stuff we enjoy, I totally forget he’s 9 years younger and he forgets I’m (allegedly) a bit scary - and it’s so nice. My gut feeling is still that he’s a Mr. Nearly Right and as his friend, my duty as a good friend is to keep listening, keep talking and treat him with respect.

😃 any single Cathlolic girls in their 20s out there who love the countryside, dogs and lovely down to earth Catholic men - send me a self-addressed envelope and I will send you some plane tickets 😃 (or I would if I could afford it!) This man deserves the very best!
 
Rose71 said:
😃 Update!

We went out for a drink and some food after work today and had a good natter about life. Now he’s less nervous and over eager to pour out the compliments, he’s almost like the man I thought I knew before he decided he was in lurrrve! I actually found myself looking at him and thinking ‘yeah - he’s lovely - this could work :rolleyes:’ (BTW - no, it wasn’t beer goggles because I’m virtually T-total)

Then he went and spoiled it again by going on about how much more experience of life I have and how I’ve learned so much…**It’s just bringing it home to me that the dynamic is all wrong. One minute I feel like a potential girlfriend and the next, more like a big sister:**confused: If he was even 5 years older and wasn’t so seemingly in awe, I’d not hesitate to give it a go, because it’s the too eager to please thing that I is a real passion-killer.

You’d be hard-pressed to find a more wonderful person and friend. I told him at the very start, when he told me how he felt, that above all, I valued our friendship and I was not prepared to do anything that might compromise that. When we’re just hanging out together and doing stuff we enjoy, I totally forget he’s 9 years younger and he forgets I’m (allegedly) a bit scary - and it’s so nice. My gut feeling is still that he’s a Mr. Nearly Right and as his friend, my duty as a good friend is to keep listening, keep talking and treat him with respect.

😃 any single Cathlolic girls in their 20s out there who love the countryside, dogs and lovely down to earth Catholic men - send me a self-addressed envelope and I will send you some plane tickets 😃 (or I would if I could afford it!) This man deserves the very best!
Click to expand...
“Beer goggles!” LOL

I think this (highlighted) is the problem - It’s just an unequal relationship, you are more his admired “idol” than he is your equal…He is going to be GRATEFUL for your attentions because in some way, he doesn’t feel worthy of you. That’s not how you want to start out. You are right, that is an instant interest-killer. I really think the respect has to be almost equal, or the balance is off. I guess if the younger man were REALLY confident, and didn’t feel in awe of the older woman, it might work. I don’t know. My husband and I are just 2 weeks apart in age. 🙂

I have never felt in awe of him, although when we met, he was a degreed professional and I was just a self-supporting working girl. I respected him but felt proud of my path as well. In fact, I remember thinking that he had been somewhat sheltered from life. (But I observe that about most people, especially those who still have both of their parents.) He had the university degrees, but I had my degree from the University of Life, KWIM?

So we did have an imbalance which might have caused some sort of unhealthy idolization, me looking up to him as someone with a career as opposed to a job. I did end up getting a degree although I still don’t have a career (motherhood was my vocation).
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top